Seventh Heartbeats Of Stone

It was a mess, it had always been a mess. When I look back at it, I feel like_how? how I was able to survive it without losing myself. Then I get a reminder, oh! if I had not lose it than how I am the way I am, am only like this because I did lose.

But 'lose what?', He asked, a nice question. But I fear I don't know the answer, What had I lose? what had I gain? what was the process? I don't remember anything. I wish, i could have remember it, at least remember enough to blame them with a reason.

I blame them knowing that they DID something to me which was wrong but...what? what was that which hurts me? what was that which offended me? what_ i wish, i could have remember.

I was use to be of one of those unlucky person which do remember the worst part of their lives, the unbearable pain, the unsaid struggle but cant remember a single moment of happiness. But than what happened? what happened to me that i start to forget the things which had hurst me badly enough to make me bleed, than suddenly the next moment i wake up from sleep it was vanished. There was ghost of pain in my head, i try to remember what is it? which had hurt me? but no matter how hard i try it all in vain.

Firstly i use to think, those who can remember pain but forget happiness, remember past but never live in present, always stuck in nights of what had been pass and never gonna come back but never look at the light Infront of them are real unlucky ones,

for me lucky were those who could remember pain and the lesson it teaches, darkness and the path they made to get out of it, love which makes them live in present and helps them to move forward no matter what is stopping them. Which are not just addicted to pain but also treasure there own self respect, love themselves and can keep learning instead of just stucking in one damn phase of life. These were people i use to consider lucky and if they can forget the pain and only remember the happiness, can remember the lesson, the path while being able to forget the reason why they were lost are 'blessed', why? they will never get lost as they now figure it out but they are not even stopping an inch of themselves as they don't even remember the pain but do remember the lesson.

How can someone forget the pain but remember the lesson they learn from it? be happy that no memory hunt them at 3 am but don't fall for tricks which might led them to same mistake they had done before because they remember the lesson and path obviously because they are blessed. That's why i call them blessed and not all of us are blessed. The people who was just stuck in one damn moment who live which took everything from them in that instant, no matter what life give them they are just stuck on what life took from them, no matter how brighter the sun shines they force themselves to look for any dark corner just to make themselves comfortable because that is what they are immune to, that is what they had made themselves use to, this is what they call 'normal', so no matter whoever come to give them a hand or shoulder in that corner to help them to come out the assume it themselves that its not real.

How? how can someone actually love them? how can someone actually show care to them? and these all 'assumption' they make themselves help them to never take that hand, never allow themselves to relay on that offered shoulder. This was my definition of unlucky peoples, and if these people cant even bring themselves to give voice to those assumption, can never speak loud about them Infront of anyone than they are 'cursed' in my eyes.

But suddenly, the core of my concepts starts to tremble. I felt like an idiot to have these believes, i was an unlucky one but suddenly i fall in nothing, no category, no believe, nothing which can define me anymore. I become a question in my own self, what can people around me expect from me when , i, myself don't know my own self. I am no more the unlucky one nor the lucky, am not the blessed one nor the cursed one, than what i am? These questions become my reality and the reality i use to think are reality becomes nothing more than an illusion or may be just a world which no more than importance because it is not the answer of question i have in myself, it can never be.

"hye~ where are you lost again?", His voice, The voice which knows how to bring me back from the void i don't know from where and how settled in me. "I was asking, what you lost this time?" He asked, with that mischief smile decorating his soft face,

his voice sounded part of tease and part of that child who gets happy every time i come to him to tell "i lost something" because apparently he is the only one who knows that i am an 'amnesiac'. "um...i," I hesitate, than i look at his bright light brown eyes which was shinning under the sunlight, he is blessed with those eyes. Those eyes, which can make any normal person forget how to breath than how can i blame myself to forget that i had to breath. Does he knows? his eyes speaks to me like they have secrets to whispers, the world around me gets extra quite when he looks at me like that,like_a desperate child who is excited to listen night time story from his favorite person. Than again, did he look at everyone with those eyes? like that? or- i flinch. "Ayattttttt!!!" he said loudly,

his voice make that chain of questions pause for this moment."Yes!yes!" i replied, almost instantly like he caught something he should not. "You were again lost in thinking some illogical stuff, right?" he said, with that playful role of his eyes which makes lips curved into an unintentional smile which only he can manage to pull out from me. "For hell, how can you just lost into your thoughts when am sitting right Infront of you! Are those thoughts more important than me?". he asked, his lower lips tugging out slightly into an unnoticeable pout, unnoticed i said? yeah. For those who don't have the curse of admiring beauty. "I asked what you lost this time?" H said, this time more like a whine or a complain or may be both.

His eyebrows frowned slightly in such a cute way that make face looks more cute with that pout and wait! he is getting upset and that's makes him look more adorable. "phone." i replied, "huh?" he exclaims as my answer made the train of his complains stop at station. "phone? did you hear me? i latterly yap for an hour about--" i cut him off with a playful sigh. "about am not paying attention, how can i pay attention on what your lips are saying when your eyes are speaking more loudly than the thoughts in my head." i completed that typical line of his which i had heard a thousand times before, with a playful smirk, his cheeks immediately turn

into my favorite shade of pink color, like the God had sign on his fine piece of art. Making my smirks depends father, "Someone is being a tomato again." i said with a playful tease, "S-Shut up! you always do this, what you think huh? if you are just good at this stupid flirting you can make me forget that you were just ignoring me a while ago!!" he said in his defense, more like he is defending that unwanted blush which makes me fluttered every time, for him its the most embarrassing thing, he had not idea how that embarrassing act of his making me feel sane for just a damn second. " If you are done complaining than shall we go and search for it? before the lunch break end." i said, getting up from that grassy flour where we both were sitting.

"Again! you are doing it again!" he said whining like a 5 year old toddler who did not got its candy. " Am telling you! if you keep ignoring me i swear i will stop talking to you!!" he said, genuinely being upset. he had right, right to being upset. I would never admit it out loud that how can i ignore the only reason which keep making me feel human while this void inside me kept eating me from inside that now i feel like there is nothing but this empty void. But before i could even say a single word in explanation my thoughts run deep in my vein making it impossible for my lips to move, my questions spin in my head making the world around me blurred. I saw him walking towards the classroom to look for my 'lost' phone while yapping and complaining about how he always get ignore by me and he still try to be as nice as he can. " I don't deserve this okay! you gotta give me a damn reason for zoning out like that always or i will keep thinking you ignore me intentionally." he kept complaining, while i stand in the classroom door, looking at him trying to find my phone. i wonder if he will find 'me' like that way the way he is searching for my phone if i tell him, its not the phone which is lost but me.

" I was not ignoring you, i was just lost in some thoughts." i said, making him look at me with those precious eyes of his. "You always say this, just tell me a simple nerve send by your stupid brain is more important than the REAL human standing Infront of you, huh?" he asked with that tone which speaks volumes. Like its not some random tantrum but a genuine question which needs to be answered, his voice was serious and God forbid me, when he talk in that serious voice_the voice which sounds like somewhere in the depth of ocean, where just the shadows of sunlight reached, making that coldness of depth warm with merely reaching it. Like one's had ear-blockage and the only sound he can listen is slight motion of water waves while feeling that warmth of sunlight.

"No." i answered, looking in his eyes, really looking at him. He did not break the eye-contact, "They are not. but-" he cuts me off, "But you cant help it. I know, but at least try. Try to be little more attentive. I feel bad when 'YOU' ignore me." he said, looking away. Pretending like he is searching for my phone, but i know the brightness of those eyes fell a little down. How? how should i tell you that if i notice anything, observe anything or actually feel like i am still alive in this world than its only when i am with you, when you are around me, when you look at me with those eyes i forget everything the only thing i remember is YOU, when you talk i get the chance to listen my own heart beating which i though don't even work and you say 'i ignore you'.

How can i?.