Lost

another day. another god forsaken day in this hotel. i had never planned to be stuck here for months. sure, the hotel is beautiful, God it was beautiful, but even the nicest of places can become boring to a human being after the right amount of time, and this place, this place was suffocating. i felt dazed as i stepped out into the long halls, the same way i had felt for the last few months. dazed, like everything i was seeing wasn't truly real. like, i was in some kind of hazy, lucid dream, but this was real. i knew it was real because of the sick feeling i had. that homesick, gut wrenching feeling i had felt for months.

i had thought that this would be a nice getaway, a place to write and reflect. a place to relax, and it had been.....at least for a little while. although i hadn't written much, i was comfortable, cozy, and most of all it was quiet.

i liked quiet.

then, the snow came. oh did it come. a white blanket that seemed to swallow everything in its path. at first, i thought it was beautiful, interesting, but, as it got later and the snow got deeper i began to realize the gravity of my situation.

i began to realize i wouldn't be going home for a while.

but i had thought it would be fine. me and my stupid optimism. what had i been thinking? now, i stood outside my room, tracing the golden numbers on the door plaque over and over like i had done for the last two months. i would do this and look around the halls, dead eyed, until i came back to reality.

(218. 218.)

the numbers echoed over and over in my mind as i traced them. just then i heard the click of a door handle. i looked up, but i knew who it was, who it had to be. of course, i was right. painfully right.

the 30-somthing woman i had seen countless times since coming here. i had only spoken to her once. what was her name? her name? i couldn't remember. she was blonde. pretty. i flashed her a smile. that quick, practiced smile i had spent so many days, so many years trying to perfect. i could feel every muscle move as that smile stretched across my freckled face. it was quick. brief. she had just looked up at me when my eyes wandered down to the blonde little boy that trailed behind her.

that little angel of a boy. so young. so cute. i felt my face stretch into a smile again but, this one was real. genuine. that precious little boy was one of the few things that brought me joy in this dreary place. he had inherited his mother's beauty, this was clear. he was a quiet child. a sullen child. I could tell. but he was sweet, innocent. that innocence was something that, once you lose, you could never regain.

ever.

the mother flashed a not-to-real smile back at me as her boy looked up at me with those large eyes. those large innocent eyes. yet, there was something in them that made me stare for longer than i should have. something in his eyes said to me “i am a kid who has seen too much”. it suddenly occurred to me that i remembered his name better than the mothers.

Danny.

that was the child's name. a precious name to be sure. i watched as his mother ushered him along. i wanted to say something, to start a conversation, but something stopped me. i had a feeling that conversation wasn't going to be appreciated, not right now. it was a good ten minutes after they left before i finally made my way to the lobby. i wandered around, looking for any drawer, cabinet, nook or Craney that i hadnt explored. this proved to be a boring hunt where nothing interesting was found.

nothing. again.

feeling defeated i wandered over to the fireplace and sat down cross-legged, staring directly into it as if the flames might reveal some kind of hidden truth. it didn't. all it revealed was how much i missed everything. my parents. mom. dad. my cats. my dogs. my bed. my things…...my home. i felt depressed. lonely. i felt lost.

i rocked back and forth on the carpeted floor, not really caring about the occasional glances from the guy at the check in desk. i didn't care what he thought anymore, or was i just being bitchy? didn't matter. i needed comfort. i just wanted to be hugged by my parents. i wanted to cuddle my animals. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. well, at least i knew my medicine was working.

the sound of the door opening had been distant, muffled in comparison to my thoughts. i had wanted to pull myself from the depths of my mind and look up, but i was too deep. my consciousness desperately trying to swim back, keep from drowning. when i finally returned to reality i looked at the clock. i didn't know why, it didn't matter anyway. not like i had anywhere to be…...or anywhere i could go for that matter. regardless, i checked the time. an hour? already? i stood up mechanically, making my way up the stairs and to my room like i had done so, so many nights before. this was my routine now. a hazy, lucid dream filled with sickening familiarity. as i made my way to my room, i passed her again. that's who had come in, Danny's mother. but wait, where was Danny? i don't know why, but my heart quickened slightly when i didn't see that little blonde angel trailing behind her like he usually did. i willed myself to calm down. i was being ridiculous. he wasn't my child. he wasn't my business. i turned my back to her as i made it to my room. i stared at the door. the door i had come in and out of what had to be seven thousand times since i had arrived. i laid my hand on the door handle, but then i stopped. i couldn't go in there, not into that awful, hot, suffocating room. i slumped down to the floor, my back pinned against the wooden door.

not now. Not right now.

i sat there, feeling exhaustion creep in despite having done virtually nothing since waking up that morning. i was looking around, trying to stay awake, when i noticed something that made my heart jump. the door to the room next to mine, the room that woman and her husband stayed in, the room that angel Danny stayed in, was open halfway. i heard rustling coming from inside. in that instant, i didn't care if it was my business, i just had to peek. i had to check on that child. i approached the door cautiously and peeked inside. there, i saw Danny playing with his toy trucks. he was quiet. he was content. he was safe. i knew i should have spoken, should have gotten his attention immediately but something about watching him play warmed my heart. in this lonely place, we all only had each other, even if we didn't know each other personally. finally, i spoke, gently, softly, in a happier, higher pitch than normal. it was that voice that i used with kids, but it wasn't some sort of false excitement, it was genuine warmth. “Hey kiddo?”

alex warren.