The Older Coworker

I don't know what it was about this man, but I was extremely attracted to him. It was just my luck that my first day on the job and I already developed a crush on a coworker. Luckily, he was in another department so I didn't interact with him much, but every time I did I could feel my heart race.

He was older than me, twelve years to be exact. He had white in his trimmed beard and always wore a blue and white meshed baseball hat. His eyes were golden brown and inviting. And when he smiled, it seemed so innocent; no hidden motive, and simply because he was happy to see me. I wasn't sure what it was that made him happy to see me, I surmised that I reminded him of his daughter. But, I didn't view him in a fatherly way. I knew I was attracted to him and decided it would be best if I steered clear of him.

It never failed though, we always bumped into each other. I would see him and my mind would race, thinking of a song I could write to express my desire for him.

I knew he was married. Happily. And he had two children, a boy in his twenties and a girl now a teen. They were happy children. A happy family. Something I always craved. And so my mind and heart would race even more.

Then, I dreamt of him. A gentle dream of a soft and welcoming love. This led me to daydream about what it would be like to be with him. I thought of endless reasons why he would be single. The most popular was that his wife cheated on him numerous times with numerous partners and that our courtship was innocent. These daydreams went on for weeks. Until, the Monday after a four day weekend due to a holiday. I asked him if he enjoyed his time off. He seemed happy to be asked and he went into detail on how he went to his all-year rented campsite. How he drank all day in the water. How he preferred going to the lake over the pool because he couldn't drink in the pool. How he and his wife drank and played corn hole. I smiled sadly to myself, remembering my sobriety date and all my imagined dates with him null and void. He didn't notice my disappointment and he continued telling me of his adventure, his experienced voice becoming more gravel-y and I noticed his cigarette pack in his front pocket. I absentmindedly rubbed my chest, my lungs too sensitive to be around the smoke. Suddenly, he changed his happy tone as he told me he was sad his little girl wasn't there this time; she had been with her boyfriend hours away.

His beautiful world that he and his wife worked so hard to create had quickly grown, flourished, and was now morphing into something he couldn't fathom.

His eyes were still kind, beautiful, and just as easy to fall into. But now, I noticed they were never mine to worship.