SECRET LOVE

August 25th was the day I decided to let my feelings out to the person I had been secretly admiring for about 4 years. My heart started to thump at high speed. I hurriedly had my breakfast, grabbed my backpack, and rode off to school. On the way, I used to stop near the bus stop, where he would board the bus to school, just to catch a glimpse of his handsome face, filled with peace and calmness. As I saw him, a series of past incidents flashed in front of my eyes.

4 YEARS BACK...

It was summer, and everyone was preparing for their vacation. My family had planned to go to Manali. Just as we were getting off the train, I heard a voice calling out to me, “Excuse me.” As I turned to look, a handsome boy was raising his hand toward me. “You forgot your jacket.” That was the first time I saw him. His face was so fresh, and I could see the purity of his heart through his brightly shining eyes that were looking at me. I was so astonished that I couldn’t even say thank you. We were separated then. My trip was filled with thoughts: “Who is he?“, “Will I ever get to see him again?“, “Where does he live?“, “What is his name?” and so on.

Summer ended with thoughts of him. School started again. As I was riding my bicycle to school, the cool sun rays fell on my face, and anyone could tell that the rainy season, which washes away our sorrows, had begun. Suddenly, a bus stopped right in front of me near the bus stop. A boy in uniform, with headphones on, seemed like he was in a world of his own as he boarded the bus. It took me a moment to regain my senses, as that boy was the one I had been searching for on every street. Even though I might be late, the only thought that made me follow him was the need to know who he was. It was as if the boy already knew I was following him; he increased his pace right after getting off the bus near his school. For a moment, I felt relieved, as that school was near mine. It took a great deal of courage for me to stop one of his classmates to ask his name and the year he was studying.

His name was as beautiful as he was, and to my surprise, he was my age as well. That was the moment I decided to follow him every day. As I followed him daily, both in the mornings and evenings, I realized that he wasn’t very fond of the people around him. He would sit calmly at the bus stop, with headphones on, waiting for the bus to arrive. He didn’t have any particular hobbies to speak of, except for the habit of listening to songs all the time. I always wondered what those songs were that kept him company. While I was watching him every day, I slowly realized that I wasn’t just admiring him, but I had fallen head over heels for him. Even the smallest things he did left me amazed.

I slowly managed to learn about his likes and dislikes, what he wanted to do in the future, his dreams, and his goals. He aspired to be a writer—not just someone who entertains people, but also someone whose writings provide the kind of company everyone longs for.

Four years passed, and with each passing day and night, I got to know him more and more. The more I learned about him, the more I fell in love with him.

AT PRESENT....

He got on the bus, and slowly, the bus picked up its regular pace. I went to my school. After an hour, I eagerly waited for the last bell of the evening to ring so I could go and confess my feelings to him. Finally, the bell rang. I grabbed my backpack and started heading toward his school. Almost every student had left, but I didn’t see him coming out of the school. Anxiety took over me as I waited under the tree near the school gate. Suddenly, I saw one of his classmates coming out of the school. I went up to him to ask where that person had gone.

As he was talking to me, tears rolled down my eyes. I felt as if I were an egg that had hit a boulder. My heart started to sink, and my legs felt as if they were no longer touching the ground. My voice trembled as I took my leave from him and rode my way back home. That night was the longest night of my life. I cried and cried until my eyes were swollen. I spent that night questioning myself: “Why did he transfer to another place?” “If only I had dared to tell him my feelings a little sooner, I wouldn’t be facing this day.”

It was June 26th, and as I was heading home, rain suddenly started pouring down. I took shelter at the bus stop, where he usually got off the bus. As always, he got off the bus and took refuge beside me at the bus stop. I extended my hand to feel the rain and said to him, who was standing right next to me, “The rain is beautiful, isn’t it?” “Yes,” he replied. It was the first time I heard his voice. It was a melody to my ears. That moment was both the first and last time I had a conversation with him.

There was a belief in one place where people in love didn’t often say “I love you” to each other. Instead, to express their feelings, they would use phrases like, “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” or “The rain is beautiful, isn’t it?”

And maybe I seized that opportunity to tell him how I felt about him on that rainy day, when I said, “The rain is beautiful, isn’t it?

Even though he might not have known the meaning behind my words, for once, I felt content in letting him know how much I loved him in my way.

August 25th was also the day I decided to show my true feelings to that person, rather than regret and dwell on thoughts like, “If only I had told him how much he meant to me,” or “If only I had shown him my love, he wouldn’t have left me.”

As days passed, I could only see him in my dreams. It was very hard to forget him because he was my first love. And as we all know, it’s incredibly difficult to forget the first love—the one that allowed us to experience the essence of love for the very first time.

Even after two years had passed, my heart was still filled with glimpses of him, and somewhere deep inside, I was hoping for that miracle to happen—where I might find him again, just as I once did. A miracle that would come true, where I could tell him how long I had waited for him and how much that waiting had torn me apart, to the point where I felt like giving up everything all at once.

Anyways,

What is life without the radiance of love?