The Guilt Man

It was heavy, too heavy to endure this sins I did, it fact I want to kill myself, I don't have the right to be alive, I destroyed people trust, take advantage of those trust they have towards me, I am a scumbag, I don't deserve to live happily, I lived by this sins, if that's the consequence of my past action. It was morning, and Tatshiko Hanamura just walk towards the mirror, a bags underneath his eyes a sign of insomnia, a numb lips sign of not smiling often faces himself.

"I want to die..."

He murmured to himself. He is working for the publishing company, a editor for one of the writer in their company. Did he enjoy it? No, even though back when he was young this is his dreams, but the sins built up, he no longer feel the success he did, rather his life is passing by him, the sadness the happiness, but sadness still the most emotion he feels. It's rarely for him to be happy, rather he choice it, because that's his punishment he told to himself. After washing his faces, he grabs his brown wooden color coat and grabs his cigarette pack and heads outside. He was not poor, and wealthy, he is very average salary worker. The street were filled with people starting their day, shops just beginning to open, beggar starts begging for some coins for their morning cigarettes, the sparrows flying and hanging from the wire. Students walking to head to the tram, and couples. One old man and his wife who's been walking with their dogs Tatshiko greets them.

"Good morning." A monotone voice when he greets them, they know Tatshiko, rather the couples were friend of Tatshiko mother who passed away 5 years for now. "Oh, Tatshiko, good morning." Tatshiko didn't try to make an conversation, rather when they greet him he suddenly walk passed them.

"What a sad looking kid he become." Said by the wife. "Well, maybe he still didn't move on by the death of Sakurai. We can't blame him for looking like that."

They misunderstood Tatshiko melancholy, Tatshiko didn't know that it's been 5 years since his mother die, rather the melancholic expression he always have is by the guilt, the shame he did back then.

"I hope he becomes better." The husband said to his wife.

At the tram Tatshiko was standing, because the tram were filled with different kind of people. He was staring at the window, not blinking for a minute, and that made his eyes watery. Beside him, a two students were gossiping about their teacher who was having an intention of their one girl classmate. Tatshiko, heard it but instead of having a bitter feeling towards that teacher they mentioning it suddenly reflect to himself, not because the past he has were similar to the teacher but the guilt. Heaviness occurred, but he endured it. He try to find an attention so he cannot listen to his thoughts that making his chest heavy. Few blocks have passed he was now walking towards the publishing company. The red bricks he saw symbolizing the influence of the westerners. Before Tatshiko hated those westerners influence, he even try to write an essay about them back when he was an college students. But in his current state of life, even hates towards other people didn't get his attention.

Inside the company, one of his colleagues greets him, and which he greets him back, they are very close friend, it was Iori Metsumi, Iori normalize the sight he always saw towards Tatshiko, it's like it's very common to see Tatshiko in that state, but he never asked 'why', or 'what's' he just want to be friend with Tatshiko. Tatshiko was sitting at his desk while Iori were standing in front of him, Tatshiko were reviewing the drafts that the writer he was assigned to assist. "Say, how 'bout we eat somewhere extravagant?" Tatshiko who still reading the draft said to him. "Alright, later." With a straightforward answer, you can tell that Tatshiko didn't try to reason or think of the consequences, it's like he just want to end those kind of question. Then, Iori left him alone with Tatshiko task, a few hours, the draft were confusing, rather each words were not connecting to the next paragraph, and with that a lot of red pens underlined so many words in that draft. Tatshiko suddenly let out a sigh, Iori who just finished his taks head towards Tatshiko.

"What's with the sigh?"

"More job, Hanabi-Sensei drafts were confusing, I will send her a letter that we should discuss this draft she just sent in person."

Iori laughs when he heard that Tatshiko complaining, it's rare for Tatshiko to complain, rather Iori image of Tatshiko is that he was a stoic at his job, but he doesn't know that Tatshiko were just numb.

"HAHAHA! I see well then, let's cancel today's plan and have it tomorrow."

Iori just left the building, while Tatshiko were still there writing for Harumi-Sensei, after he wrote that he sent it to the mailbox near the front entrance, and there he left the building, he grabs his pack of cigarette and place one stick between his lips and lit it.

Should I just kill myself right now?

That's what his thoughts telling him, therefore he didn't do it, not because he was scared, but because if he ended up his life the punishment and the consequences, it's like he was running away from it, he promised to himself that those guilt and shames and hates even sins, he will carry it until he die from old age, or some random illness, or when he got into a car accident, something absurd.

He walks alone beneath the setting sun, he was heading back home, his thoughts asking him what he will do when he got back to his house, anything just to not recognized his guilts. Then suddenly heaviness occurred once again, because he remembered one old friend he has, a friend that he see as brother. The sins he did to him hits Tatshiko. The trust Tatshiko destroyed because he was emotional immature and intelligently immature. He walks, and walks with that sudden heaviness. He was wavering as he was walking, like he wants to lay down, his legs were numbing like it was about to give up walking, but he endured it until he was at the tram.

Hours inside the tram, he began to question his self.

I am disgusted towards myself, why did I do that before? I am smart and yet I did that sinful act.

Inside his house he lay down to his bed stared at the ceiling. He did this almost every night after work.