Ramón and the Extremely Inconvenient Prophecy

Chapter 1

Case File #001 – The Dragon Kidnapping

Part 1 – A Perfectly Normal Morning... Until the Goat

The marketplace of Briarbell had enjoyed exactly four minutes and seventeen seconds of peace.

That was considered a new record.

The morning sun bathed the cobbled streets in warm gold while merchants cheerfully shouted over one another.

“Fresh apples!”

“Best bread in the kingdom!”

“Magic mushrooms! Mostly harmless!”

A bard stood in the center of the square performing an emotional ballad about true love, destiny, and a turnip.

No one questioned the turnip.

Then everything went terribly wrong.

“IT’S GOT THE HELMET!”

The scream echoed across the marketplace.

Every head turned.

A goat burst from an alley wearing a polished knight’s helmet that was far too large for its head. The visor had fallen shut, leaving the poor animal completely blind as it sprinted straight through the market with all the confidence of a charging warhorse and absolutely none of the steering ability.

It crashed through a vegetable cart.

Cabbages exploded into the air.

Carrots rained from the heavens.

An old woman caught a pumpkin without spilling a single drop of her tea.

“Again?” she sighed.

The goat bounced off a barrel, ricocheted into a flower stall, emerged wearing three garlands around its neck, and continued charging blindly toward a fountain.

Three city guards appeared moments later.

“There it is!”

“Corner it!”

“It stole Sir Gregory’s ceremonial helmet!”

The goat immediately proved it had no intention of surrendering.

It leapt over a stack of crates.

One guard missed the jump and disappeared into a barrel of fish.

Another slipped on a cabbage leaf.

The third tripped over the bard.

The bard somehow continued singing.

“...and love shall bloom like—AAAAAH!”

The goat blasted through his lute.

Chaos spread through the marketplace like spilled soup.

Children laughed.

Merchants screamed.

Someone shouted, “Protect the cheese!”

Nobody knew why.

From the far end of the street, another figure hurried toward the commotion with remarkable enthusiasm.

He wasn’t carrying a sword.

Or a shield.

Or even a weapon.

Instead, he carried a leather satchel bursting with notebooks, rolled maps, crumbs, loose papers, and what appeared to be at least three sandwiches.

He wore a long emerald-green investigator’s coat with gold trim, sturdy brown boots, and a magnifying glass hanging from his belt. His curly dark hair bounced with every step, and his warm tan face wore the widest grin imaginable, as though he’d just been invited to the greatest party in the kingdom.

Rather than looking worried...

He looked excited.

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “A mystery!”

He reached into his satchel.

Not for a notebook.

For a sandwich.

He took a bite.

“Can’t investigate on an empty stomach.”

A merchant stared.

“...You’re eating?”

He nodded thoughtfully while chewing.

“It helps me think.”

The merchant looked around at the complete destruction unfolding behind him.

“...Now? and Who are you??”

He takes a deep breath My name is Ramón Carlos Boyer García Sánchez Santa María La Niña Pinta Pacífico Benito...BANG

A cabbage struck Ramón squarely on the shoulder.

He glanced down at it.

“Hmm.”

He picked it up.

“Fresh.”

The merchant blinked.

“You... Eating that?”

“It was still warm from the sun.”

“...What?”

Ramón smiled.

“Lovely cabbage.”

The merchant slowly backed away.

“I’m... going somewhere safer.”

“Wonderful idea!” Ramón replied cheerfully. “Please tell me if you see anything suspicious!”

The merchant looked around at the burning level of chaos.

“...Besides all of this?”

Ramón nodded seriously.

“Exactly.”

Before the confused merchant could answer, the runaway goat charged straight toward Ramón.

People screamed.

“LOOK OUT!”

Ramón calmly stepped sideways.

The goat sailed past him by inches.

As it rushed by, Ramón noticed something.

Tiny blue feathers were tangled beneath the helmet’s chin strap.

He frowned.

“Curious.”

The guards finally reached him, panting heavily.

“You!” one shouted.

“Are you the investigator?”

Ramón smiled brightly.

“I most certainly am.”

He placed one hand over his chest.

“My name is Ramón Carlos Boyer García Sánchez Santa María La Niña Pinta Pacífico Benito Alejandro Rodrigo Fernando Miguel Antonio Sebasti—”

A fish flew across the square.

Nobody knew where it had come from.

It struck Ramón directly in the face with an impressively wetSLAP.

Silence.

The fish slid slowly off his nose.

Ramón stood perfectly still.

He blinked once.

Twice.

Then calmly picked the fish up.

“...Fresh.”

The guard stared.

“...Did...”

“...Did a fish just interrupt your name?”

Ramón sighed with practiced disappointment.

“It happens more often than you’d think.”

He handed the fish back to the horrified fishmonger who had come sprinting over.

“My apologies.”

The fishmonger accepted it.

“...Thank you?”

Ramón smiled.

“We’ll try my introduction again later.”

He looked toward the goat, which had somehow climbed onto the fountain and was proudly bleating at a marble statue while still wearing the oversized helmet.

Ramón’s smile grew even wider.

“Now then...”

He reached into his satchel.

The guards finally looked relieved.

“Excellent!”

“He’s grabbing a weapon!”

Ramón pulled out...

...a small notebook.

“...”

“...”

“...Why a notebook?” one guard asked.

Ramón clicked a charcoal pencil into place.

“Because,” he said with complete confidence, “before we decide what happened...”

“...we should ask why the goat stole a helmet.”

The guards exchanged slow, confused looks.

One finally whispered,

“I have a terrible feeling this investigation is going to be very strange.”

Ramón tucked the notebook under his arm, adjusted his satchel, finished the last bite of his sandwich, and walked toward the goat with the confidence of a man greeting an old friend.

He had no idea that before the day was over, one runaway goat would lead him to the first clue in a prophecy forgotten for nearly a thousand years.