End of beginning
There are exactly twelve cracks in the wall beside my bed. I know this because I have counted them every night every night and day since mom passed.
Sometimes I imagine her walking into my room late at night, to talk about the crazy things that had happened at work that day. It was easier pretending she was still here than admitting I would never see her again.
“Izzie!” Lily yelled from downstairs.
“Coming!”
I rummaged through the dirty clothes basket in search of something to wear, since I had neglected to do laundry for the past two weeks. A stack of books beside my desk nearly caused me to trip as I headed for my door.
Me and Lily waited at the bus stop as always, only now it was winter and freezing cold. I rubbed Lily's arms, attempting to give her some warmth.
The bus slowed to a loud stop, the doors opened as the bus driver greeted us.
Lily sat at the front with the other elementary kids and I walked toward the back to take my usual seat beside Haylia.
“Hey girl, how are you doing?” Haylia asked, joyful as always.
I sighed
“Not so great I see.” She understood without me saying anything. “Let me guess, your dad?”
“Yeah, who else would it be.” I rolled my eyes, leaning against the window.
“ You wanna talk about it?” She prompted.
I tilted my head toward her. “No.”
I guess Haylia could tell I wasn’t in the mood, she just rubbed my shoulder and leaned against the back of the seat.
When we got to school, Zayn was beside the front entrance, laughing with his friends. I got off the bus and walked over to join him, Haylia came with me even though she didn’t particularly like Zayn.
“You look awful.” Zayn announced, causing his friends to examine me.
I scoffed. “Good morning to you too.”
“No really, did you sleep at all last night.” He pressed, pushing himself off the ledge he was sitting on.
“As much as I could.”
He searched my face for a moment before landing a friendly punch on my shoulder.
“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about a math test today.” He smiled. “Mr. Hunt moved it to Friday.”
I sighed, kind of relieved “Good, because I don’t even know what we’re learning right now.”
Zayn laughed. “Do you ever?”
“No, she’s too busy flirting with you!” One of his friends chimed in, before I could even answer.
I whipped my head around. “I do not flirt with him.”
“Do too.” Another one of his friends teased.
I rolled my eyes, smiling. “Whatever.”
“Don’t you have a girlfriend, Zayn?” Haylia pressed, deciding to finally speak.
He sucked his teeth. “Not anymore, I was actually about to tell y'all that.”
I gasped. “What happened? I thought you and Cassidy were good.”
“They were, until the whole school found out about them sleeping together.” His friend stated.
“Yeah, she didn’t like what other people were saying about her.” Zayn revealed.
I shrugged. “Well Zayn, you did give her kind of a bad reputation when y'all got caught at the school dance.”
He sighed once again. “Yeah, but I did really like her.”
“Well I’m sure you’ll find someone else, you always do.” I reassured him, kind of teasing him.
“Why didn’t you sleep last night?” Zayn asked, changing the subject.
I watched Haylia’s eyes widen, as she knew I didn’t want to talk about it.
“I’d rather not. It’s complicated.” I shot back, shutting him down.
“Okay.” He muttered, seeming offended.
“Sorry, that sounded kind of rude.” I shook my head in regret.
He smirked. “Don’t worry about it.”
The bell rang, and we all headed our separate ways, except for me and Zayn. We quickly darted up the stairwell, both tripping up the stairs and laughing at each other.
“Late!” Mr.Hunt shouted as we both rushed into class.
“Sorry sir.” Zayn apologized.
Mr.hunt shook his head. “Whatever, just don’t let it happen again.
“Yes sir.” I replied, heading to my seat.
Zayn sat down beside me as always.
“Eat.” He suggested, sliding me a granola bar.
“I’m not hungry.” I insisted, as I slid the granola bar back.
He clicked his teeth. “Come on, you say that every morning.”
I groaned, slouching in my seat. “If I eat, will you leave me alone?”
“I promise.”
I snatched it from his hands and started eating it. “Happy?”
He laughed. “Yes.”
Before I knew it, it was lunch time. For some reason, Zayn always sat with me even though his friends teased him for it.
“Are you excited for your birthday?” Zayn asked as he opened his milk carton.
“Yeah, I guess.” I mumbled.
“You’ll still be a year younger than me.” He joked.
I rolled my eyes.
“Anyways, speaking of my birthday, I’m having a party this weekend. You should come.” I mentioned, hoping he’d say yes.
“Can’t.” Zayn responded, food in his mouth.
I frowned. “Why not?”
“I have to go help my dad with something at his job.” His eyes rolled, like he didn’t wanna go.
“Oh okay.” I nodded
“Sorry, I wish I could come.” He apologized, looking me in the eyes.
I laughed softly. “It’s no big deal, it’s probably not going to be any fun anyways.”
He smiled. “I’ll still get you a gift though.”
I smiled back. “You don’t have to do that Zayn, I never get you anything.”
“Yeah but you come to my party’s, so it makes up for it.” He reassured me.
“Okay.” I agreed. “Just don’t spend too much money.”
He smirked. “I ain’t got much to spend.”
We both laughed.
The rest of the day went by in a blur of messy notes and unfinished assignments. I dreaded every minute that passed, wishing the day would never end.
By the time the final bell rang everyone was already rushing outside. I was about to head to the bus lot when Zayn stepped in front of me, twirling his keys on his finger.
“Come on.” He suggested. “I’ll drive you home.”
“Okay.” I said smiling.
The whole car ride we just listened to music, occasionally singing along. But before I knew it, we turned onto my street.
“Just park in front of the house beside mine.” I advised him.
“Okay.” He said. “Why though?”
I searched for an excuse. “Just do it.”
“Are you okay, Izzie?” Zayn prompted, as he pulled up to my neighbor’s house.
“Yes Zayn, I’m fine.” I fibbed, rolling my eyes.
I reached for my stuff and pushed at the door handle, but it didn’t budge. The locks clicked. His hand was still resting over the button.
“You’re not leaving until you tell me why you’re acting like this.” He demanded firmly.
I groaned, slouching in my seat. “Zayn, come on.”
“No.” His eyes locked with mine. “What’s going on.”
“Okay, you really wanna know?” I quizzed, my voice softening.
“Go ahead, I’m listening.”
I sighed loudly. “You know how my dad is really strict right?”
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?” Zayn pressed, squinting his eyebrows.
“Well he also hits me.” I quickly confessed, before I had the chance to hesitate. “He has ever since my mom died.”
Zayn’s mouth opened, nothing came out.
“Yeah.” I shrugged.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me, Izzie?” His voice faltered.
“I don’t want you to treat me differently.”
“I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
He breathed quietly. “Has he hurt you recently?”
I rolled up my sleeve, revealing a deep, purple bruise on my forearm.
Zayn’s face drained. “Izzie..”
I scoffed, “See, you’re treating me differently already.”
“I’m not.” He shook his head.
“But you are.” I interrupted, crossing my arms.
“Only because I care.” He leaned closer to me. “You’re still the same, Izzie.”
I sighed. “Okay fine, just please don’t tell anyone.”
Zayn smiled. “I won’t, I promise.”
Finally, he unlocked the car, allowing me to get out. I grabbed my bag and shut his car door carefully. Zayn made sure I made it to the door before pulling off.
The wind blew coldly as I stood on the porch, causing the hair on my arms to stand up. My mind told me that telling someone other than Haylia would make me feel lighter. But all I felt was dread, what if Zayn thought I was pathetic, or what if he told someone.
Home wasn’t a place I could relax or feel safe at, it was a place where I had to be in constant survival mode.
