One
Shanghai, China 2023. Starbucks. It was six months ago when I first went out and saw her. That woman who has stolen my heart to this day. Nagisa. That is such a beautiful name. When I first heard it, no name sounded as beautiful as hers. Nagisa, the woman who stole my heart. And also the one who shattered all my hopes.
I have failed in my efforts to win her heart. It’s always like this. Ending in futile waiting. Again. I almost succeeded in changing my life. But everything was so brief. It seems my life will continue to be black and white. As usual. We were never compatible. We never truly understood each other.
Not because of cultural background. Well, maybe partly. Now, for me, Shanghai is no longer as special and beautiful as when she was here. What remains now are only memories of the past, and I am trapped chasing shadows. If you think this love is an illusion, then you are wrong. I don’t even know if this deserves to be called love.
What is love? To have or to let go? Why do more people fail in love than succeed in fighting for it? In the end, I am nothing more than a loser who never stops living in the shadows of hope and waiting.
I remember the first time I saw her at a café. An extraordinarily beautiful woman. A face whose beauty is hard to forget. Nagisa Aglaea. A Korean-Chinese-Japanese mix. A true Asian face. She sang with her beautiful voice. A voice that hypnotized my soul when I heard her sing.
Those eyes, those eyes that invited me to dive deeper into her life. That gaze seemed to force me to act further. The song she performed, ‘She Will Be Beloved,’ seemed to ask people to love her. Back then, I was the one who captured that sorrowful signal so well. Before I eventually fell into a state where I could only love a shadow.
So deep without knowing the way back. How bitter that it turns out women are not only capable of misleading men but also of making our efforts to understand them futile. But also, in our efforts to love them. They can be such extraordinary beings. On the other hand, they are far more capable of creating deep and painful wounds.
Even so, they are still worshipped as beautiful creatures, while such cruel demons reside within them. Ready to mislead all men on this earth with their egos and manipulative games. If I must humbly and honestly say, even heaven pales in beauty when God created Eve and diverted Adam from the beauty of paradise.
If there is something beautiful in God’s creation, then I would say it is woman. If you ask, what is beautiful and stored in my heart? Then the answer is Nagisa. I am now alone in a longing that slowly kills me. Nagisa has returned to her homeland.
South Korea. We failed to maintain our relationship. All because we came from different backgrounds. Nagisa left with a broken heart. I cannot forget her tears. How ironic, behind the meaning of love as affection, there also lie such painful wounds. Love is affection and a wound at once.
Love can be joyful and painful. The empty space in my heart is the home where Nagisa should have lived and rested. Now, in Shanghai, the world I have known for seven long years has become so foreign. No more laughter, no more fiery spirit. Everything feels so empty. Love is indeed just an illusion after all this time.
哀 哀 哀
