Chapter 1
Kierra
— "How much was it again... Ugh, where's my phone?" I woke up the instant the sunlight hit my face. Only then did I realize where I was and what I’d done last night. I could only close my eyes and press a hand against my forehead. I hadn't even been drinking. That wasn't part of the plan, but... Why?! I was still wearing the same clothes as last night. I was being extra careful not to wake the man up. Shit, it would be so awkward if he saw me leaving. I mean... It was just a one-night stand, right?! I need to leave right now! How did this even happen, Kierra? I need to leave right now! How did this even happen, Kierra? We were just eating bingsu. We started laughing and talking about other things... and then came Truth or Dare. Truth or Dare! Right, that was the reason it happened. I wasn't the same woman I’d been yesterday. I saw my phone charging on the nightstand next to my wallet. I checked to see if anything was missing from my wallet, but nothing was gone. I’d even accused this guy of being a thief in my head. I looked for the menu from the restaurant where I’d eaten last night so I could pay for the meal. The guy had charged it to his room! I have to pay for it! I don't want to owe this man anything. Especially since I don't even know him. Actually, it's better that I don't know him—so I can forget him immediately, and he can forget me just as fast. I had just placed four thousand-peso notes on the side table before heading to the bathroom to wash my face and get ready to leave. My hair was a total mess! I hadn’t expected any of this to happen. "Shit," I whispered to myself as I remembered what had happened last night. "Wrong... so damn wrong..." I regretted it deeply, yet it hadn't been a bad night. I was... distracted. For the first time in months, I hadn't cried over Miguel at night. I had even forgotten that I’d been carrying those thoughts around with me yesterday. Time had flown by without me even noticing. For the first time... I wasn't thinking about him. Last night, I had finally been able to breathe again... but today, reality was catching up with me. I can't escape the past forever. I walked into the kitchen first, glancing back at him as he slept. "Damn," I whispered to myself before doing something I never would have thought possible. I simply wanted to leave him something extra—on top of the money for the food I’d ordered last night. After all, it had been nice talking to him. I’ve already done more than enough, so I don’t owe him anything anymore! As soon as I left the hotel room, I swore to myself I’d forget everything that happened last night. It was only for one night. I was someone else. I wanted to be free for a night... but it was all just an illusion... because in the end, I’d return to my true self... to what I really feel. Nothing has changed. What gave it away? Why did it happen? Why did I let it happen? Was it my desire to prove to myself that... I could handle anything? What triggered it? What is it worth? For one night, I felt free. For one night, I didn’t cry. I no longer felt like the person who was broken and hurting inside. I felt... normal... like everyone else. I let myself get swept up in my emotions. I thought it would be like in the movies. I used someone else to forget him, but afterwards, I felt even worse. It was never like in the movies or books. It was never like that. "Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you since last night! When I called you at dawn, a man answered! I was so scared, Kierra! I was on the verge of calling the police!" My cousin Luna scolded me the moment I got home. She looked angry, her hands planted firmly on her hips. "I lost my phone last night," I said, avoiding her gaze. She knows me too well; she always notices when I’m lying. "And why do you keep hiding things like this?" She immediately snatched up the cardigan I’d been wearing since the night before. Her lips parted when she saw what was on my chest. I quickly covered it up and looked away. "Kierra?! Who hurt you?! Damn it—" "Luna!" I interrupted. I covered my face in shame. "H-he wasn't rough..." I couldn't look her in the eye. "What?" she asked, confused. “I’m tired... Let’s talk later.” I went straight to my room and closed the door, but she followed me right inside and grabbed me by the shoulders.
I could tell by looking at her that she’d realized what was going on.
“Holy shit... You have a new boyfriend? Y-you beat me to it?!” she asked in disbelief.
I shook my head.
“Not your boyfriend?! Kierra, what is wrong with you?!”
“Luna... It was nothing.” I still couldn't look her in the eye.
It was so embarrassing! I couldn't even explain myself because I didn't know how it had happened either.
“It was nothing?! Say what?!” She looked shocked.
“A one-night stand?! Or... Or... Do you have a friends-with-benefits thing going on now?!”
“It was just a one-night stand,” I explained, trying to end the conversation. “It won’t happen again. Okay?”
“Just?! It was *just* a one-night stand?! What the hell!”
She ran her hand through her hair, as if she hadn't quite grasped what I’d said yet. I know it was hard to believe—even I didn't know why or how it had happened... but I wasn't thinking about it anymore.
As far as I was concerned, that night had never happened. It felt like a dream.
“Tell me everything! What happened?!”
I bit my lower lip and looked away, trying to remember how it had all started.
“Luna...”
“What?”
She sat down next to me and waited.
I looked away and sighed. “It’s just… last night I went out to get something to eat because, naturally… I didn’t want to stay cooped up in my room any longer. You were away, remember? So I was on my own, and that’s why…” “Kierra, I’m only going to be gone for a little while. Are you okay here? Do you need anything? Do you need me?” I looked at Luna and laughed, because there was so much concern in her eyes. I understood why. It had only been about three months since I was discharged from the hospital. I knew she would worry. “I’m fine here. Don’t worry.” Ever since then, she’d hated leaving me alone. She still seemed hesitant, but I smiled at her. She sighed and simply told me to call if I needed anything before closing the door. The smile vanished from my lips the moment the door was shut. I stared at the TV, even though I didn’t understand what I was watching. I buried my face in my hands and leaned my head back against the couch, eyes closed. “Damn it,” I whispered. I couldn’t even watch romantic movies anymore without thinking of him… and the nightmare he’d put me through. I used to love romantic movies. I loved reading romance novels… because I loved imagining what it would feel like to love someone… or to be loved. Wrong. It didn’t feel like that at all. I couldn’t leave the apartment throughout the entire holiday season while I tried to heal myself… and my heart. And then there was the constant fear that he might be out there. I was afraid he might follow me and hurt me again. The mere thought that he could be out there, free, terrified me. That was the unfair part of it... because he could still go wherever he wanted, while I remained trapped in my own fear. I wanted to stay in my room forever, where I felt safe. But the air in that room was already suffocating me. I had to go out. I had to face my fear. I had to at least pretend that everything was normal... that everything was okay. I got up and changed my clothes. I wore a black evening dress, tied my hair back in a ponytail, and put on makeup. I dressed up to hide just how shattered I was. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. It was a pretense... but it was all I could manage today. Just pretending. How could I convince myself that I could do this? That I was being brave today? I wanted to be… someone else… if only for today. I was sick of staying inside. Sick of locking myself in my room. For the first time, I wanted to go out and… be free. I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I just stood outside the lobby, wondering what to do. Should I treat myself to a nice meal for once? Hmm… I think I should. It’s dinnertime anyway, and I’m hungry. I ordered a car to take me to a restaurant I’d always wanted to try. I fought hard not to tremble during the ride… because the mere thought of sitting in a car terrified me. Memories kept flashing back. It was because of him that I’d become afraid of cars—especially the passenger seat. “We’re here, ma’am.” I hadn’t been paying attention to the time. I had arrived. After getting out, I took the elevator up to the floor where the restaurant was located. I felt uncomfortable being alone, but I didn’t know who I could have brought with me anyway. “Welcome, ma’am!” the waitress greeted me. I hadn’t made a reservation, but since Daddy came here often, I got a table. I looked around to see if I recognized anyone. Thankfully, I didn’t. Suddenly, I realized just how lonely I was as I looked around and saw all the couples having a wonderful time. And I tried to forget everything. What was I supposed to do? Pretend. That’s exactly what I would do. Pretending to be someone else… and not myself. “Thanks,” I said to the waitress as she brought the pasta I’d ordered. I rested my chin on my hand while I ate. It was hard. I had no one to talk to. No one with me. I had gone out, sure, but I was still alone, unable to distract myself from my thoughts. Suddenly, I wished someone were with me. Someone who didn’t know me… so I wouldn’t feel sorry for myself. Someone who didn’t know how I was really feeling… so I could pretend everything was normal. I felt like crying right there while I ate. It was so frustrating. I bit my lower lip as it started to tremble, and tears gathered at the corners of my eyes—tears born of all the anger I’d been suppressing. My hand shook as I held my fork. I sighed heavily and buried my face in my hands. I leaned back in my chair for a moment to calm myself. I took my hands away from my face when I felt someone sit down across from me. Confused, I looked at the man. He, too, was wearing semi-formal attire, though his tie was loosened. “Who are you?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. He looked familiar… but not *that* familiar. I didn’t even know his name. “Is everything okay?” he asked; there was concern in his eyes. An English speaker. “Did you get stood up? Why do you look like you’re about to cry?” One of his eyebrows shot up. So many questions. I wished he would ask them one at a time. “That’s a long name, though,” I retorted sarcastically, rolling my eyes without answering a single one of his questions. I heard him laugh. My answer seemed to amuse him immensely. What was so funny? “Mind if I sit here?” he asked this time. “I got stood up, too.” The corners of his mouth turned up into a smile. He was a damn good liar. But I was getting better at spotting lies. “You’re asking, even though you’re already sitting down,” I said grumpily. His amused smile widened at my reply. He even rested his elbows on the table and leaned in slightly. I didn’t budge; I just raised an eyebrow. Who is this guy, and why is he sitting here? “You’re pretty grumpy, huh?” he said with a grin. “Better keep that expression instead of the one you had before.” “What other expression?” I asked, pretending not to know what he meant—even though I knew perfectly well. “Wait a minute... Were you watching me?” “No, you just caught my eye,” he said casually. “I wondered why you looked so scared... thought someone was bothering you... so, where is he? I can handle myself, you know.” I didn’t ask. “He isn’t here,” I said firmly. “So there *is* someone,” he concluded. What is wrong with this guy? Why is he so nosy?! He was even watching me from across the room. Maybe *he’s* the one I should be afraid of! Who even is this guy?! He raised his hand and ordered dessert for two from the waitress, then gestured for me to finish my meal. I shook my head and went back to eating my pasta while he pointedly looked away. It seemed to me that he was avoiding eye contact because he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable.
It worked.
When the ice cream he’d ordered for both of us arrived, he looked at me again. He leaned forward as he ate his ice cream with a small spoon. He stared at me as if he could read my thoughts, so I tried hard to hide my own.
“Please tell me ice cream is your favorite food.” He raised his eyebrows. “Otherwise, I’d feel really bad about ordering the wrong thing.”
“Yes, it is my favorite food, but you ordered the wrong flavor. I like chocolate, not vanilla,” I replied.
I didn’t even know why I was still talking to him.
“Damn.” He looked genuinely frustrated at having guessed wrong. “Hmm… dark chocolate suits you better.”
“Is guessing ice cream flavors based on people’s personalities a hobby of yours? Do you charge money for it?” I asked sarcastically.
But somehow, everything I said made him laugh. I hadn’t even tried to be funny. What is wrong with this guy?
“Why? Do you want to pay me?” He raised an eyebrow. “Just buy me an ice cream next time.”
“There won’t be a next time.” I raised an eyebrow and shot him a sarcastic look.
“Believe me, there will be.” This time, he gave me a smug grin. We stared at each other for a long moment before I shook my head and went back to eating my ice cream. We finished our desserts in silence, but surprisingly, I didn’t feel uncomfortable. All I could think about was coming up with a snappy comeback for whatever he might say next. What would his next quip be? How on earth was I supposed to shut him up?
“Do you drink alcohol?” he asked after finishing his ice cream.
“Sometimes,” I replied.
I hadn’t really been drinking lately, since I hardly ever left the house—or my apartment.
He nodded and ordered a glass of water from the waitress. I’d thought he was going to order alcohol.
“How are you getting home? I’d offer you a ride, but I know you’d probably be even more scared since I’m a stranger. So, I’d advise you to take a taxi. If anything happens, call me.” He wrote his number on a napkin and handed it to me.
I gave a derisive laugh.
“Is this your line for picking up women? Pretty lame.”
“Did you assume I was trying to pick *you* up?” He leaned forward and grinned. “Or are you projecting...? Am I your type? Then why don’t *you* try picking *me* up?” He sat back up straight and crossed his arms over his chest.
I stared at him for a moment; he stared back, waiting for my reaction.
He even thanked the waitress when the water arrived.
Then the words just blurted out: “Do you want to sleep with me?”
I expected him to spit out his water, but instead, he just grinned behind the glass as he drank—as if he’d been expecting that question from me.
When he set the glass down, he stared at me as if trying to read my thoughts.
“Sex won’t solve your problems, lady,” he said. "I don't expect you to solve them," I replied. “And I’m not asking for sex, either.” He stared at me again before letting out a short laugh. He raised his hand to signal for the check. He didn’t even look at it; he simply signed it. “Put it on my room,” he said seriously. Putting on an act—yet again. I wanted to be brave that night and forget everything. I didn’t want to seem afraid. I didn’t want to be myself. I was so tired of living in fear. If pretending for one night could hide my feelings, then I was ready to do it. I could have picked any man. It just so happened that *this* man... had sat down across from me. “All right, then... Shall we go to my room? We can order something to eat, I suppose,” he said, holding out his hand. I took it, and we left the restaurant. I bit my lower lip as we stood in the elevator. We were alone, and the silence weighed heavily on us. “You aren’t in a committed relationship, are you?” he asked. I shook my head. “And you?” I asked in return. I didn’t want to get into any trouble. “Nope,” he said, emphasizing the ‘p’. “Never.” The elevator ride felt endless. I suddenly grew nervous when it finally hit me that we were actually heading to his hotel room. I silently thanked the heavens when the elevator doors opened, and I followed him to his room. “Ciandrei,” he said as he unlocked the door with a key card. “Ciandrei Kyle. That’s my name... but you can call me Shan.” I nodded, and we stepped inside. I didn’t tell him my name. I didn’t want him to be able to find me afterwards. I had no intention of ever seeing or speaking to him again after that incident. He took off his tie and draped it over the sofa. I sat down and looked around the room. A moment later, I stood up and walked over to the large glass wall to admire the city lights. "What would you like to order?" he asked, holding out the menu. "They have... hmm... fruit shakes? Oh, here. They have bingsu." "I’ll have that, I suppose," I said indifferently, still gazing outside. He called the restaurant and ordered the bingsu. I had no idea what it was, so I was surprised when it arrived in the room and I saw how huge it was. I sat on the sofa, and he sat down next to me. I slipped off my high heels while he tried to figure out how to eat it without making a mess. "Don't do that. You'll spill everything," I said. I placed the bingsu back on the tray and carefully scooped some onto a small plate so it would be easier to eat. "So, why are you here?" he asked as we ate. "Why did you trust me in the first place?" My feet were resting on the sofa, turned toward him, while he sat a little further away, as if trying to give me some space. "I don't," I replied. "You're pretty brave if you think I trust you. Let me ask you the same question: Why did you bring me here? Do you trust me, too? What if I did something to you?" Suddenly, he laughed. "Scary," he said sarcastically. “I know,” I replied, shoveling another spoonful of bingsu into my mouth. “What if I kissed you?” My eyes widened, and I immediately turned toward him. I was still biting down on the spoon; I hadn’t even swallowed the strawberry yet. “You won’t,” I said confidently, lowering the spoon. “Why?” He frowned. “How can you be so sure?” Despite the distance between us, I looked him straight in the eye and raised an eyebrow. “Want to play Truth or Dare?” he asked with a grin. I glanced over at Luna again to see her reaction to the story. “We laughed, talked, played a game. I lost… and then… boom. One thing led to another…” “What?!” Luna exclaimed. “Damn it, Ke! I don’t get it! Why?! I never thought something like that would happen!” “Neither did I!” I shouted back. “But I wasn’t myself that night, okay?!” “Then who was?!” she asked, confused. “I don’t know!” I roared. “But at least she was free!” She froze and stared at me; suddenly, she was at a loss for words. Concern was reflected in her eyes at those words. I looked away from her. “Yeah… I used someone to forget. I know it was wrong… You don’t have to tell me,” I said quietly. I already knew what she was thinking. “That’s not what I’m thinking,” she replied, shaking her head. “Honestly… just get some rest.” "Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?" I said before she left my room. "I already regret it. It won't happen again, and I'm never going to see that guy again anyway."I shouldn’t have done that… I had just opened the door to another disaster in my life.
Ciandrei Kyle
