Hands up
Ed Dancer was filing trays with screws at the woodworking counter in the Johnson Hardware store when two individuals approached. Both were dressed in tactical gear, looking ready to face a mob of angry mobsters.
“What can I do for you boys?” Ed asked the men.
One of the men, Dash Rock by name, set an envelope on the counter and said aloud. “We have come to take you into custody.”
Shocked, Dancer asked, “For what?”
“For a crime you will commit in 2032; the details are in the envelope.”
Dancer picked up the envelope and read the charges. “This says I will murder twelve people in the office of Penner Digital Media.” Who is Penner Digital Media?”
“They don’t exist yet,” Rock replied. “But rest assured, you do kill twelve of their employees, including the owner and manager, Ted Lang.”
“How do you know this?”
“We are from your future. We are bounty hunters, and you have a large price on your head.” Rock pulls out a flyer from one of his many pockets and lays down a wanted poster with Dancer’s picture at the top. Below his face, the copy reads, “Ed Dancer-Wanted, dead or alive. Twenty-thousand-dollar reward.”
“Did I escape from prison?”
“No, if we can capture you before you kill, the crime can be prevented. The bounty was raised by the families you affected.”
“But why did I kill these people?” Dancer asked. “Allegedly.”
“There is no ‘allegedly ’; I can show you the video. Facial recognition identified you, and there were witnesses. The reason listed in the court documents says you did it for revenge.”
“Revenge for what? Stop playing around and get to the point!”
“Evidently, you were charged with public indecency. You were caught showing your junk to passersby in the park. The paper, as you used to call it, ran a story on the front page. You got pissed and as soon as you made bail, you purchased a rifle, entered the office of Penner Digital Media and started shooting.”
Dancer shook his head and replied, “There is no way I was exposing myself to anyone in the park. That is pure lunacy.”
“I’m not hear to argue the court case. I am here to arrest you and take you to the future so the crime will not occur.”
“But that creates a time paradox, don’t you see?”
“I’m not interested in your theory,” Rock stated.
“Hear me out. If you take me to the future, there will be two of me. The me of today and the me of the future.”
“I suppose I need you to put your hands forward so I can cuff you,” Rock stated.
“How can I be in both timelines?” Dancer asked with a grin.
“I don’t know and I don’t care. We do this all the time and have never heard of any issues.”
“What if I meet myself?”
“We need to get back soon before out time portal evaporates.”
“How do you explain me disappearing from today?”
“I don’t have to explain shit! You will probably be listed as a missing person, just like a million others.”
“Is that how all the missing persons go? Do you snatch them up and take them to the future?”
Rock turned to his partner and asked, “Should we taze him?”
Randy Bell, Rock’s partner, blinked his lizard-like eyes and said, “I don’t want to have to drag this fat fuck all the way to the portal.”
“Do you have a better idea?”
“We can cuff him to one of those carts and wheel him out.”
“What if he screams and fights us all the way?” Rock asked.
“Put a gag on him. If you tase him, we will have to load him onto the cart, and he is fat.”
“I don’t think he will go willingly, will you?” Rock asked.
“You know, I don’t have much going on here at this time anyway, and a trip to the future might be fun.”
“I doubt it,” Bell replied.
“If you take me now, the crime does not occur, so the families will be happy, and I can live in the future and drive a flying car like on The Jetsons. And I just thought of something. If I travel to the future, won’t my future self just disappear?”
“I don’t know. It wouldn’t make sense that a younger you could exist in the future. Time wouldn’t like that and something would have to give.”
“And you don’t know what that is? How long have you been bounty hunters?”
“About a week,” Rock replied.
“Do you have a license? Did you have training, pass a course?”
“No, we paid five hundred dollars each, filled out a form and we were legal,” Rock replied.
“So you really don’t know what happens when you drag someone from the past into your future… fantastic,” Dancer replied.
“There was a poster at the license office that warned to take all bounty to the Law enforcement center as soon as possible. There was a hazard symbol at the bottom.”
“So there is a time dilation paradox after all,” Dancer replied.
“That’s above my pay grade. My job is to capture you, take you back and collect my bounty.”
“Sounds risky to me.”
“From what I have read of your file, risk is the least of your problems. You seem very brazen to walk into an office and murder twelve people.”
“Do you have a list of who they are, or were?” Dancer asked.
“It’s on the back of the flyer.”
Dancer picked up the wanted poster and read from the back. “Oh, my God!” Dancer said loudly. “I killed Mildred Penner?”
“Who is Mildred Penner?” Rock asked.
“She was my fifth-grade teacher. That is so sad. She must have taken a job at the paper after she retired.”
“See, you are a sick fuck. Exposing yourself to strangers and killing innocent old ladies.”
“And it also says I killed Bruce Glass. What a prick he was. Got what he deserved if you ask me.”
“We need to leave.”
“He was a bully, picked on all the kids in school.”
Bell looked at the time readout inside his visor. “We have less than ten minutes.”
“Well, boys, I’m not going willingly, so you will have to tase me and drag me out. Sorry. But before you do, I need to call the authorities and report you as kidnappers.”
“We are licensed bounty hunters, not kidnappers, there is a difference,” Bell snapped. “Kidnappers are criminals.”
Just then, another pair of men dressed in tactical uniforms approached the counter, one holding a wanted poster.
“Sorry guys, we got to him first,” Rock replied with a grin.
“We’re not here for the fat guy; we are here for you,” the bounty hunter said. His name badge read Gustin.
“What the hell?” Rock asked. “You got the wrong guy. This fat fuck is the killer!”
“And so are you. According to court records, you are about to botch this assignment and kill three innocent victims in this store. We are here to prevent that.”
Bell spoke up, We should have tased him and rolled him out of here.”
Gustin replied, “Yep, if you would have, we wouldn’t be here right now. You need to surrender your weapons and come with us.:
“What about him?” Rock asked, pointing to the man behind the counter wearing a red vest and nametag.
“That’s above our pay grade,” Gustin replied, holding out handcuffs.
Ed Dancer was filling trays with screws at the woodworking counter in Johnson Hardware when two men approached. Both wore sleek, black tactical police gear, bristling with high-tech pockets, gadgets, and helmets with glowing visor cameras.
The older one, a thirty-year-old with a robotic right leg named Dash Rock, slapped an envelope onto the counter. The younger one, a twenty-five-year-old named Randy Bell, blinked a pair of distinctly green, slit-pupil lizard eyes.
“What can I do for you boys?” Ed asked, adjusting his glasses over his thinning hair.
“We have come to take you into custody,” Rock announced.
Shocked, Ed smoothed down his red work vest. “For what?”
“For a crime you will commit in the year 2032,” Rock said. “You’re going to murder twelve people at Penner Digital Media because they run a front-page story about you exposing yourself in the park. The families raised a twenty-thousand-dollar bounty to catch you before you do it.” He whipped out a wanted poster with Ed’s face on it.
Ed scoffed, flipping the poster over. His eyes widened. “I killed Mildred Penner? She was my fifth-grade teacher! And Bruce Glass? What a jerk he was, he totally deserved—I mean, this is lunacy! If you drag me to 2045, it creates a paradox. I’ll disappear from 2018. Time won’t like that.”
“How long have you guys even been bounty hunters?” Ed asked, leaning on the counter.
“About a week,” Rock replied. “We paid five hundred bucks, filled out a form, and got our licenses. Look, our portal evaporates in ten minutes. Hands forward.”
Bell, the hybrid, rolled his lizard eyes. “Don’t tase him, Rock. I don’t want to drag this guy all the way to the portal. Just cuff him to a shopping cart and we’ll wheel him out.”
Ed smiled, realizing his captors were completely unqualified idiots. “Well, boys, I’m not going willingly. You’ll have to tase me. But before you do, I’m calling the real cops.”
Just then, heavy boots crunched on the store floor. Another pair of bounty hunters in identical black tactical gear marched up to the counter. The leader’s nametag read Gustin.
Rock grinned, stepping in front of Ed. “Sorry, pal. We got to the target first.”
Gustin didn’t look at Ed. He unclipped a pair of heavy high-tech cuffs from his vest. “We’re not here for the hardware clerk, rookie. We’re here for you.”
Rock froze. “What? I’m the good guy! The killer is behind the counter!”
“Not yet he isn’t,” Gustin replied, leveling a stun weapon at Rock’s chest. “According to the 2045 historical archives, you two completely botch this arrest in exactly sixty seconds. You panic, open fire, and kill three innocent hardware store customers. The families of those victims raised a bounty on you. Click your safety off, Bell.”
Bell looked at his visor clock, sweating. “I told you we should have just tased him!”
“Yep,” Gustin said, stepping forward. “If you had just tased him instead of arguing about time paradoxes, my future wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t be standing here right now. Hands up.”
Ed Dancer slowly leaned back against the woodworking shelf, folded his arms, and thoroughly enjoyed the show.
