ATTITUDE

" Don't worry boys, I'm sure the next doctor will be better, this stronzo clearly has no idea of what he's doing. Can you imagine..."

I tuned out my moms ranting as we took the short walk to her SUV. I sighed trying to rid myself of the misplaced, unexpected disappointment festering inside me. One would think all the hope and faith inside me had died due to endless disappointments.

Expect nothing and bear no disappointments

Nothing ventured, nothing lost

That might not be what the original idioms say but those were my versions. Despite the fact that we can't control the way we feel, I felt mad at myself for being disappointed.

"Christopher, I know the next one will be it, we'll find a doctor that will help us okay? "

I groaned at my twin brother Christiano.

"That's what you said about this one and the one before this one, and the one before that one," I sighed " We might as well drop out of high school, work, save up money and use up our college funds for liposuction"

Christiano rolled his eyes,

" You know we can't do that."

" Why? It's not like I even like school "

" Well I do."

"Yeah, you do, and I have no idea why, all we do there is get bullied and I have bad grades to ice off the depressive cake, at least you're smart."

" And whose fault is that? "

" Boys! Stop it." My mom scolded as she started the car, driving us to the only place I felt relatively safe and comfortable in, the only place where I didn't have to tuck my gut in as discreetly as I could, the only place I could eat without hearing insults, the only place where I didn't have to lighten my footsteps......home.

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"I'm gonna ask Avery out. " Christi squealed.

I paused, causing the girl behind me to slam into me in her hurry to get lunch.

" What the fuck pig? Ew, I think he got his fatty virus sweat on me, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!"

One of her friends handed her a wet wipe and I sighed as she wiped her face and palms vigorously.

" I'm sorry" I whispered in my typical bored tone,

" You're gonna be more than sorry when I'm done with you."

A voice - probably her boyfriends - boomed from behind me and before I could say jack, I was slammed into the lockers again and again as most students laughed and cheered, to my relief, a teacher was spotted causing everyone to scamper.

" Oh my God, I'm so sorry. " Christi gushed as he helped me up.

" It's alright, I'm fine, " I replied "just don't ask Avery out." He paused,

" Why?" He asked, narrowing his eyes and getting defensive

"Firstly, she's a bitch, I don't think she deserves someone as pure and refreshing as you are, secondly, what the fuck brain washed you to forget that she's way out of your league, she's a cunt level bitch and you're a sweet little angel. Forget it, it won't work out."

I finished, dusting myself of as a headache began to bloom.

" I knew it, I knew you'd say this, but guess what Christopher? Everyone is sick and tired of your pessimist, sarcastic and cynical mentality and I'm not going to be swayed by your antics. " He spat and stormed off.

I blinked in shock then sighed and made my way to the bathroom.I turned on the faucet and splashed water on my face.

I and Christiano never fought, it wasn't our thing. I stared at the two hundred and eighty pounds, seventeen year old in the mirror, I had a split lip and a deep bleeding gash on my forehead and they hurt like hell. I closed my eyes and did what I always did when it got hard, I prayed,

" Father, please help me to survive high school, I need your grace because this is really hard, living everyday in a world where looks are pretty much everything."

Lookism is what it's called and it's everywhere, in schools, churches, public places, and its grip on humanity is so deep that even babies cry when 'ugly' persons carry them, its why good looking serial killers get away more easily than not so good looking serial killers, people instinctively trust good looking people over bad looking people and if you're good looking you would never consider this but it's not about being fat, its about not fitting into the beauty standards of society, that standard differs for different societies, for some, it's blonde, long hair, a body weight below 140 pounds, flat tummy and perfect teeth, for others, it might be a robust and healthy body of above 160 pounds, curly dark neatly braided hair and good manners.

But those are by the way, I wasn't just ugly, I was fat too, in addition to not being viewed as attractive, it was unhealthy, a whole load of health problems came with it giving people the opportunity to disguise and express their hate as care without being labelled evil.

I walked into the cafeteria in time to see Christi kneel, I face palmed.

" Avery, I've always loved you, right from kindergarten when you walked up to me to ask me why I was fat,"

I remember that day, Avery had come right up to us to ask in her evil six year old voice

' What is wrong with both of you?'

Apparently, I had felt so mad and embarrassed while Christi had fallen in love.

" You're the sweetest and most beautiful girl I've ever met, please be my girlfriend."

I scoffed. Avery? Sweet? Love really was blind.

I looked from my twin to Avery who had a constipated look on her face which quickly transformed to something vile and purely evil, then...she burst out laughing and the whole cafeteria which were videoing or live streaming this spectacle joined in to ridicule Christi. When the laughs died down, she snorted,

" Let's get something into your fat, stupid, retarded head." Everyone gasped. Too far, that was too far.

Then she bent to meet his eyes to enunciate while poking his forehead,

" I. Don't. Date. Fat. Dirty. Sweaty. Pigs."

He blinked back tears as it settled in that I was right and damn, I had never hated being right about something as I did now. He suddenly shot up from his kneeling position only to loose his balance and fall to the ground on his back, the whole building roared with laughter as he struggled to stand. I gasped, pushing through the crowd to help him up. Caitlin our friend, also came to help me pull him up, leading him away from the room.

The cafeteria was always a bad place for me, people would watch or film me eating and while I became self conscious and stopped eating, Christi didn't mind them.

It was kind of our dynamic, I was the pessimist and he was the optimist.

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" Christopher? " Christiano called later while we were at home doing our homework at least I was, Christi was scrolling through his phone.

" Yeah?"

" Do you think it's worth it?" He asked in a really soft voice uncharacteristic of his loud persona.

"What's worth it?" I asked chewing the bottom of my pen.

"Living, is it worth all we have to go through?"

I blanked then pulled his phone out of his hands to see if what prompted a question like that was on it, a glance was all it took for me to gasp, he was reading the comments on the videos of his shame. I stuffed the phone into my pants,

"Ewww, Christopher...!"

" Oh come on Christi, you never read the comments, don't tell me you're turning pessimist cause of that bitch. The only thing that's not worth something is Avery not worth your tears." I said smiling to myself for being able to say something unlike my pessimist self.

But I was truly worried by his train of thoughts, Avery had been really mean and I think she had broken something in Christi's head.

" Boys?! Dinners ready."

My mom called and we quietly made our way to the dinning unlike usual where we race and shove and yelled in excitement.

"But she was right," he whispered as we sat at the table after greeting my mom and dad,

" I am fat."