What is your opinion?
Intriguing
"I have to say, I liked this story from square one. The genius boy with his crushed dream, the bullies and friends at school, the mysterious woman at the end. It all wove together in a way that was both believable and fantastical. It felt very real. I thought that your dialogue was very good, not forced or awkward. It leaves the reader wanting more. There were some typoes through the story that were a little distracting, but another read-through should take care of those. I thought I saw you saying something about not liking your writing style on a post, but I thought that it was great for this story! My only critique would be to add more description and feeling to the part where the woman, Carlos, and Adam are soaring up into the air -- that part felt a little vague and rushed. I can't wait to read more of this. Great work! UPDATE: I really like the changes you made here. You eliminated a lot of the typoes (although there are still a couple), and it was a lot smoother. And I thought that your description of the characters flying was a lot better. It made it feel much more real. Great job!"
Observation on the opening & some food for thought
"Hi Vanessa. This comment is a little unusual for feedback but it's based on something my musical theatre course instructor once told me about an audition piece that has stuck with me very strongly ever since, and I believe it applies to writing as well. It was an audition class and we were performing pop songs that week. I chose to sing the song "My Immortal" as I have won many competitions with it. The feedback I got was wonderful. He said it was the best performance he had ever seen from me. Then he told me never ever to sing it at an audition. I was baffled until he explained "The very first lyrics will guarantee that your audience will disconnect right away." The first line of My Immortal is: I'm so tired of being here At first I was angry. I thought, "Don't be ridiculous! They're just lyrics! No-one is going to take a cue from them!" But then I realized that the whole point of music, and of stories, is to court empathy from your audience. Everyone has had times when they have felt bored or tired and wished they were elsewhere. It's a very easy empathetic reaction to court. It's also the least desirable empathetic reaction with which to begin a story. "Carlos Ventresca had stopped paying attention to his teacher’s lecture a long time ago, regardless of his seat in the front row. He clenched his teeth shut and stifled a yawn. Of all the advanced courses his parents were forcing him to take in this private school, A.P. Physics had to be the least interesting." That was what i felt all over again when I read this opening passage. I know this wasn't the kind of feedback you asked for, but I feel it is a very important and much-overlooked point in writing because first impressions will decide whether or not a person continues to read and then they will color memories of the story throughout intervals of reading and decide whether or not a person returns to a story. Of course, only you can decide if this opening is essential to your story, or not, so I make no suggestions. My goal is only to share an observation. One more note. Please count how many times your sentences start with "He" or "His" out of the total 6 sentences in this paragraph. Finding new ways to order your sentences will improve the flow of your story immensely. "He had harbored a dream of becoming an author for years. He even started writing his first novel at age six. He had been so proud of it he decided to give the first uncompleted draft to his parents to read and comment. His mother had smiled sweetly and criticized his mistakes gently, her blue eyes shining with pride. All in all, she had been encouraging of the hobby. His father on the other hand, had all but gone into a flying rage.""
