Hello, Twenty-One

Hello, Twenty-One

Hello, twenty-one.

I thought you would feel different.

I thought I'd wake up

with answers in my hands,

a direction in my heart,

and a life that finally made sense.

But here I am—

wanting to be loved

while desperately trying

to build a life

I can be proud of.

I want someone to hold me

when the world gets too loud.

But I also want a job

that makes me feel independent,

a reason to wake up,

money in my own hands,

a future that belongs to me.

And somehow,

I feel guilty for wanting both.

Because love is beautiful

until it becomes a distraction.

And ambition is beautiful

until you're lying awake at night

wondering who you're going to come home to.

Everyone keeps saying,

“You're only twenty-one.”

But nobody tells you

how heavy twenty-one can feel.

You're old enough

to be expected to know what you're doing,

but young enough

to still be terrified

that you're doing everything wrong.

Some days

I want romance.

Some days

I want success.

Some days

I want to disappear from everyone's expectations

and just breathe.

I don't know if I'm looking for love

or simply looking for someone

to make this confusing life

feel a little less lonely.

And that's what scares me.

Because I don't want to choose someone

just because I'm lonely.

I don't want to abandon my dreams

just because someone makes my heart beat faster.

But I don't want to become so focused

on building a future

that I forget to live in the present.

So here I am—

twenty-one,

standing somewhere between

the girl I used to be

and the woman

I'm terrified of becoming.

I don't have the perfect job.

I don't have the perfect relationship.

I don't have my life figured out.

I only have this strange, aching hope

that somehow,

one day,

everything I've been crying over

will finally make sense.

Until then,

I'll keep choosing myself

even when I feel lonely.

I'll keep chasing my future

even when I miss being loved.

And maybe that's what growing up is—

not having the answers,

but learning to live

while you're still searching for them.

Hello, twenty-one.

Please be gentle with me.

I'm still becoming.