THE LOVE I WASN'T READY FOR

“I thought losing him would be the hardest thing I would ever experience. I was wrong. The hardest part was realizing that I had loved him with a heart that was still learning how to love"

I didn't know love could find you when you weren't looking for it.

At twenty, I thought I knew what love was.

I had seen it in movies. I had watched couples hold hands on campus and whisper things into each other's ears. I had listened to my friends talk excitedly about their boyfriends and their first kisses.

But for me, love was something that happened to other people.

I was too quiet for it.

Too reserved.

Too inexperienced.

At least, that was what I believed.

University life had taught me many things, but the most difficult lesson was learning how different people could be.

Some students walked around campus as if they owned the place. They laughed loudly, made friends effortlessly and seemed completely comfortable wherever they went.

Then there was me.

Shine.

The girl who preferred the back seat in class.

The girl who would rather listen than speak.

The girl who could spend an entire afternoon with a book and never feel lonely.

I wasn't unhappy. I simply enjoyed my own company.

My friends sometimes called me an introvert, and I never argued with them.

That afternoon, after a particularly exhausting lecture, I walked to my usual spot beneath a large tree behind the faculty building.

It was quiet there.

Perfect.

I dropped my bag beside me and pulled out my notebook.

I had barely read two lines when I heard laughter approaching.

I ignored it.

Then the laughter became louder.

I looked up briefly.

A group of boys was walking across the field.

They were joking, pushing one another and arguing about something that obviously wasn't important.

And in the middle of them was a guy I had seen several times around campus.

Julius.

I didn't know his name then.

I only knew him as that handsome guy who seems to know everybody.

He was tall, confident and effortlessly attractive.

He wasn't even trying to draw attention to himself, yet people noticed him.

Two girls passing by smiled at him.

He smiled back.

One of his friends said something that made everyone laugh.

Julius laughed the loudest.

I looked down at my notebook.

Not my business.

I tried to concentrate.

A few seconds later, a shadow fell across my page.

I looked up.

It was him.

The handsome guy.

He was standing directly in front of me.

"You're always alone."

I blinked.

"I'm sorry?"

He smiled.

"I said you're always alone."

I looked around.

Maybe he was talking to someone behind me.

There was nobody.

"I don't understand."

He laughed.

"I've seen you here several times. Always alone. Same tree. Same serious face."

I frowned.

"Do you monitor people?"

His eyebrows rose.

Then he laughed.

"Okay. That was good."

"What?"

"You actually have a sense of humor."

"I didn't make a joke."

"Exactly."

I couldn't help smiling.

He pulled his phone from his pocket.

"What's your name?"

"Why?"

"Because I've been talking to you for almost a minute and I don't know your name."

"You could leave."

He stared at me for a second before laughing again.

"You really are funny."

I shook my head and looked back at my notebook.

"Shine."

He repeated my name slowly.

"Shine."

I nodded.

"Nice name."

"Thank you."

"I'm Julius."

"I know."

He looked surprised.

"You know me?"

"I've heard people call your name."

"Oh."

He smiled.

"So you've noticed me."

"No."

"Then how did you hear my name?"

I looked at him.

He was smiling like he had just won an argument.

"I've heard people call you," I repeated.

"That's still noticing me."

I rolled my eyes.

He laughed again.

There was something about his laughter.

It was warm.

Easy.

The kind of laughter that made you want to smile even when you weren't part of the joke.

He sat beside me.

I immediately looked at him.

"You can sit somewhere else."

"Why?"

"Because I was here first."

He laughed.

"I didn't say you weren't."

"Then why did you sit here?"

"Because I wanted to."

He was unbelievable.

I returned my attention to my notebook.

For a few seconds, neither of us spoke.

Then he leaned slightly toward me.

"What are you reading?"

"My notes."

"I can see that."

"Then why did you ask?"

He stared at me.

I stared back.

Then he burst out laughing.

I tried not to laugh, but I failed.

For the first time that day, I forgot how tired I was.

"You know," he said, still smiling, "you're not what I expected."

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know."

"Then why say that?"

He shrugged.

"I thought you were probably boring."

I gasped.

"You came here to insult me?"

"No."

He smiled.

"I came here because you looked interesting."

My smile disappeared.

For some reason, that sentence made my heart beat differently.

I looked down at my notebook.

"You're strange."

"People say that."

"I believe them."

He laughed.

We continued talking.

At first, it was about school.

Then our departments.

Then our favorite foods.

Then music.

I was surprised by how easy it was.

Julius talked more than I did, but somehow he didn't make me uncomfortable.

He asked questions.

He listened to my answers.

And whenever I became too shy to continue, he filled the silence without making me feel awkward.

After a while, his friends called his name from across the field.

"Julius!"

He looked back.

"I'll be there!"

Then he turned to me.

"I have to go."

I nodded.

"Okay."

He stood up.

I thought that was the end of our conversation.

Then he looked at me again.

"Give me your phone."

I stared at him.

"Why?"

"So I can save my number."

"Why do you need my number?"

"Because I want to talk to you again."

I hesitated.

He smiled.

"Unless you don't want me to."

Something about the way he said it made the decision feel completely mine.

I slowly handed him my phone.

He entered his number and called himself.

A few seconds later, his phone rang.

He looked at the screen and smiled.

"Now I have yours."

I reached for my phone.

"Goodbye, Julius."

"Bye, Shine."

He took a few steps away.

Then he turned around.

"Shine?"

"Yes?"

"Don't sit here alone tomorrow."

I frowned.

"Why?"

"Because I'll come and disturb you again."

I smiled despite myself.

"You're already disturbing me."

"Exactly."

He grinned.

Then he walked away.

I watched him join his friends.

They immediately started teasing him.

One of them looked in my direction.

Julius said something.

They laughed.

I quickly looked down at my notebook.

My heart was beating faster than it should have.

I picked up my pen and tried to continue reading.

I couldn't.

My eyes kept moving over the same sentence.

I wasn't thinking about my lecture anymore.

I wasn't thinking about my assignment.

I was thinking about Julius.

The boy who had walked into my quiet afternoon without an invitation.

The boy who had made me laugh.

The boy who had asked for my number.

I shook my head.

"He's just being friendly."

That was what I told myself.

He was probably like that with everyone.

He seemed like the kind of person who could talk to anyone.

So why was I smiling?

I didn't have an answer.

That evening, I returned to my room and dropped my bag on the bed.

My roommate wasn't around.

I sat down and picked up my phone.

Nothing.

I put it down.

A minute later, I picked it up again.

Still nothing.

I laughed at myself.

"What am I doing?"

I had known the guy for less than an hour.

Why was I waiting for his message?

I placed the phone beside me and started arranging my books.

Then my phone vibrated.

My heart jumped.

I grabbed it immediately.

One new message.

Unknown Number: You got home safely?

I stared at the screen.

Then another message came.

Unknown Number: Or have you forgotten me already?

A smile slowly appeared on my face.

I saved his number.

Julius.

I typed a reply.

Yes, I got home safely.

I hesitated before pressing send.

Almost immediately, the three dots appeared.

Julius: Good.

Then:

Julius: Goodnight, beautiful.

I froze.

Beautiful.

I read the message again.

And again.

I had no idea that four simple words could make my heart feel so full.

I placed the phone against my chest and stared at the ceiling.

I didn't know what was beginning.

I didn't know that Julius would become my first love.

I didn't know that I would spend three years loving him.

I didn't know that one day I would cry because of him.

And I certainly didn't know that the same boy who made me feel beautiful would eventually make me question whether I was beautiful enough.

That night, however, I knew only one thing.

Julius had noticed me.

And somehow...

I wanted him to keep noticing me.