The Tutor

New Year’s resolutions have always seemed silly to me. Most of the time people don’t keep them, yet every year they make them anyway. If you ever have made and kept a resolution, then I salute you. Funny thing is, this year, I actually want to make one, and there is only one person I can confide this in: my best friend, Lorna. As soon as she gets here, I am going to sit her down and tell her what is on my mind. Probably. Or we’ll get chatting, watch a movie and then another and then before I know it, I’ve wasted all that time away, so I won’t actually be able to tell her before she goes home. 

Then I’ll wake up tomorrow, on the first day back at school after Christmas and my resolution will be out the window, just like that.

“No,” I tell myself. I will not back down from this. This is the first time I have ever bothered to even decide to make a New Year’s resolution, so I am going to do it. And when Lorna gets here for our first girls’ night this is going to be the first thing we

talk about so it’s done and dusted. Also, so I can get over the slight embarrassment at admitting what I want to do out of the way.

I head into the kitchen to raid the cupboard and fridge, hoping to find any kind of snack we can have. I come up empty and sigh heavily. Why is there never any good food in this house? Okay, that is slightly unfair as we have decent breakfasts and dinners, but there’s never any chocolate, popcorn, or biscuits in the house.

Granted that is probably because as soon as mum brings the shopping into the house, they would be gone in two seconds flat, but it wouldn’t hurt to have some of that sometimes. Especially when they know that Lorna is coming over – it’s not exactly our first girls’ night at mine.

“Looking for some food?” I turn to find Hunter, my older brother just coming down the stairs to the kitchen.

Maybe that’s the other reason we don’t have junk food in the house very often, because the stairs lead right to the food.

“Yep, and surprise, surprise, there is none!” I fold my arms and lean against the counter, suddenly realising that he has his leather jacket on. The only jacket he ever wears. Even his best friend, Blake, always wears a leather jacket, whatever the weather. I used to assume they were part of some leather jacket club, but maybe they are just going through a normal twenty-year-old fashion phase or something.

“As it happens, I am about to run to the shop, so I can grab something if you want.” He straightens his collar, before zipping it up.

“Please.” I hold my hands in prayer and he laughs.

“Anything in particular?”

“Chocolate, cake, biscuits, popcorn…” I count them on my fingers. “That should be enough.”

“I think that is more than enough.” Hunter muses as he heads for the door.

“Alright, dad.” I follow him to the door and when he stops my words finally hit my ears. “Sorry.” I mumble as he turns to face me.

He gives me a small smile and pulls me in for a hug I didn’t realise I would need. “It’s okay. I know it’s been tough since dad…” He skips over the hardest word. “I’m not trying to replace him, but I did promise him I would look out for you and protect you.”

I nod, knocking my face against his zip. “I know.” I pull back at look up at him. “But, you also have to remember I am eighteen now – I’m not a little girl anymore.” Hunter sighs. “Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to not be aware of what you are doing and where you are going.” He takes a step back. “Now, you are not to leave this house while I’m gone.” He gives me a mock hard stare and a points his finger at me.

“Yes, sir!” I salute him and we both finally have a laugh as he heads out the door.

As soon as he has gone, I curse myself for the dad joke. It’s been six months since dad left this world and while for some that might feel like a long time, it still feels like yesterday for me. I had to start my last year of high school without him there to drop me off and we had to spend our first Christmas at home without him.

I guess in a way that is why I am making a new year’s resolution this year, because when someone close to you dies, you realise you need to get on with life, make stuff happen and do what you want to do. I may only be eighteen and in theory have decades ahead of me to do all those things, but as people say, no one is guaranteed tomorrow – we found that out the hard way – so why shouldn’t I finally put myself first and do something that I want to do?

***

When the front doorbell rings, I run down the stairs and wrench it open. Yes, we another set of stairs that leads straight into the living room – it’s great.

I smile wide when Lorna turns to face me. “Happy new year!” She pulls me in for a hug. “How are you?” She whispers in my ear, and I nearly break down there and then.

“I’m okay.” I pull away from her. “Christmas was tough, but we made the best of it.”

She gives me a small smile. “Well, you know what I always say…”

“Take it a day at a time.” I smile back. I usher her in and shut the door keeping the cold air outside. Annoyingly it’s not cold enough to snow. It never is, but that’s living in the south of England for you.

“So, what are our last night before school starts plans?”

I have my new year’s resolution on the tip of my tongue, but for some reason, it suddenly seems like a silly one to have. I usually can tell Lorna anything and everything, but this… I don’t know. Maybe I can’t. Not that I think she’d make fun of me in the slightest, but after everything we have been through as a family, it suddenly feels like it should be very low down on my list of priorities. I push it to the back of my mind for later.

“Well, Hunter has gone out to get food because we have no snacks in the house so until he gets back, we could just chill.”

“Sounds good – I can’t remember when I last had some decent time to just chill and do absolutely fuck all.”

We laugh as the front door opens. I turn to find Hunter is back but furrow my brow when he doesn’t shut the front door even though he only has one bag in his hand and could have done so. The reason why is evident when Blake Parker follows in behind him and shuts the door himself, another bag in hand.

“Well, good evening, ladies.” He smirks at us and I roll my eyes.

“Blake.” I turn away from him and realise that Lorna has a slight blush to her cheeks. “Well, we’re going to grab snacks.” I pull her from the sofa and drag her into the kitchen. Thankfully Hunter has already left the room.

I grab a glass of water and dip my hand in, before flicking some at Lorna.

“Hey!” She wipes her face and I smile. “You can’t tell me you don’t think Blake is all kinds of hot.” She hisses so as to not be overheard.

I have a rummage through the bag. “Lorna, please. He’s my brother’s best friend – I have never thought about him like that.”

“Never?” She widens her eyes. “How? Have you seen him? Have you seen what he looks like in a leather jacket?”

I laugh. “Yes, every day of my fucking life.”

“Language!” I turn to the vaguely serious warning voice of my brother and give him a sweet smile. “Sorry.”

He grabs a couple of cans of cola from the fridge. “Well, Blake and I will be in my room battling to save the world. Don’t disturb us with your laughter, talking about boys or whatever it is girls do.”

“Yes, sir!” I salute him and he shakes his head as he walks off.

“Hunter is so cool!” Lorna stares after him a little too long.

“Excuse me?” I wave a hand in front of her face and get the glass of water ready again. “That’s my brother.” I hiss.

“Sorry.” She blinks a few times and holds up her hand. “I’m good – I swear.” She grabs the bag from the kitchen counter. “Girls’ night can officially start.”

We head up to my room and as per the house rules, even though Mum isn’t home yet to enforce them, I leave my door ajar. Hunter would give me a bollocking if I ignored the rules, even though I bet he hasn’t done the same with his door.

“So, what are we going to do first?” Lorna stretches out diagonally across my bed, propping herself up on an elbow.

“I actually have something I want to tell you.” I settle in my desk chair.

“Oh?” She raises an eyebrow.

I close my eyes and take in a few deep breaths. When I open them, she is still in the same position with her eyebrow up. “You can release the eyebrow now.” I laugh as she relaxes.

“Come on, then, tell me the gossip.”

“It’s not gossip exactly… I just…” I sigh. How do I do this? I don’t know how to tell her my plan for the rest of the school year. Bu, if I can’t tell her then I can’t tell anybody. “Okay.” I sit up straighter. “I have made a New Year’s resolution.”

“Intriguing…”

“I want to end our last year of high school having had some experience.” “With what?”

I tilt my head at her. “You know… experience.”

“Still not getting it.” She shakes her head.

I can’t tell if she is being deliberately unaware of what I am saying to get me to spell it out or she really doesn’t understand.

“I don’t have any experience… romantically and I want to…” I trail off and her eyes widen. By George, I think she’s got it.

“Oh…” Her smile slowly spreads into a wide grin. “So, who is the lucky guy?” She waggles her eyebrows.

“That’s the problem – who could I ask and how the hell do I ask without seeming desperate?”

“I don’t think you can get through this without seeming desperate.” She sits up. “But tell me, why now? You never seemed overly bothered whether it happened before or not.”

“Ever since my dad… I just want get on and experience the world. I want to do things.”

“Or people?” Lorna smiles again making me laugh.

“Okay… so there are some certain things I want to do.” We laugh again and the more we laugh the louder we get. “I just feel like the only person in school who hasn’t… you know.”

“You can call it sex, you know.”

I shake my head. “No, I can’t.”

“If you can’t say it, then maybe you shouldn’t be trying to have it.” Her pointed look makes me realise she might be right.

“Okay, fine.” I close my eyes briefly and look at her. “Before the end of the year, I will have had…” I pause, the word on the tip of my tongue, but refusing to be let out. “When we leave for university, I will no longer be a…” I pause again. “This is ridiculous.” “Would it help if we watched 50 Shades of Grey?” Lorna offers.

“What?” I shriek. “No! How would that help?”

“Well, Jamie Dornan for one thing…” She waggles her brows again and I laugh. “And maybe it will make you realise, it’s normal to have… urges say we say.”

I shake my head. “You are terrible.”

We fall into fits of giggles again and a knock on the door has us abruptly stopping.

“Sorry, to interrupt.”

“Blake.” I ignore how silent Lorna has become and stare at him. “What do you want?”

“Hunter sent me in here to ask you to keep it down.” He enters my room properly, closing the door. “And while I’m here, I also thought I’d offer my services.” His voice is suddenly quieter.

“What services?”

“Well, I couldn’t help but overhear about your new year’s resolution.” For the first time while talking to Blake, I feel heat creep up my cheeks. “And I just thought I would let you know I would be willing to help you out with that, if you want.” He turns and leaves without giving me time to respond.