Chapter 1
TATE
The past five years have been one hell of a ride. Not a good one either. The kind that makes you wonder if happiness even exists. It’s made me feel like I deserve all the pain and agony I’ve endured. The torture I seem to be putting myself through. Sure, there have been some good times and they were amazing. But the downs have been devastating. Each down, a reminder that my happiness was only meant to be short lived. That I don’t deserve to be happy or get to have the one thing I want more than anything in this world.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. That doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. Each try taking more and more out of me. But I’m stubborn. I keep trying anyway. The thought of not getting to be a mom kills me. Every loss feels like I lose a part of my soul. I’m slowly losing myself and my boyfriend doesn’t even seem to care. Eric says he loves me… but I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t even know if I love myself these days.
I’ve been trying not to get my hopes up. I’m two weeks late and haven’t talked myself into taking a pregnancy test. I’m scared it will say I’m not pregnant and something else is wrong with me or it will say I am pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad, but I’m terrified to get my hopes up with all the losses I’ve had. But I need to take a test. I need to know.
I walk to the corner store and pick up a test. I can’t keep them in the house. That just makes me spin into a deeper darker place that I can’t handle. The cashier gives me a smile, “I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying for you Tate. I know it’s going to happen for you.” I just shake my head and try to smile. I can’t get the words out. But Sasha understands. She’s worked here for the last three years. It’s sad to say, but she’s the closest I have to a friend.
I get back to my apartment and take the test. I flip it upside down and sit on the edge of the tub. Crying as I wait for the results. My timer goes off and I flip the test over. Two prominent pink lines. I wrap my arms around my stomach then look up, “Please, please, let me have this little one. Please!” With every loss, I’m not sure what I believe anymore but it can’t hurt right?
I get myself together, then head to the kitchen to fix dinner for Eric. I’m not ready to tell him. Not until I make a doctor appointment and know for sure. He thinks I’m crazy to keep putting myself through this pain. He doesn’t understand what having a baby means to me. Clearly it doesn’t mean the same thing to him. I don’t mean the same to him.
Dinner was like usual. Eric pretty much came home just to eat dinner. He gives me a kiss on the cheek, then leaves. Saying he was just going to his brother’s club like usual. I’m not so sure of that anymore. But that’s not my priority right now.
I called my doctor’s office this morning and they fit me in. I’m nervous. My appointment’s in an hour and I’m terrified and excited at the same time. I want this so bad.
I’m finally in the exam room. They do a quick urine test. It’s positive. With my history my doctor goes ahead and does an ultrasound. I turn away from the screen as she does the scan. There’s an extra softness to her voice, “You are pregnant, dear.” I let myself turn around, tears in my eyes as I see my baby on the scan. She takes my hand. “I know you are scared Tate, but we are here with you. We will do everything we can.”
“I know… I’m still scared, what if I fail this one too?”
“Tate, you didn’t fail. It wasn’t your fault that you lost your other babies. I promise you it wasn’t your fault. I understand that you are scared. We are going to do everything we can to help you.”
NOLA
Eric just called me complaining that Tate wasn’t home. He said she didn’t fix him dinner and wasn’t answering her phone. Blah, blah, blah, that’s all he does. Complain. I call her to check on her. He may be my brother, but he can be a real ass. I don’t even understand how she has stayed with him this long. I know things have been getting tenser between them. She answers right away. “Hey Nolan, is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I was just checking on you, Eric said you weren’t home or answering his calls.”
“I… I was at a doctor’s appointment. Is he mad?”
“You know how he is…”
“Um, if that’s the case, could you meet me at the apartment, I have some news to tell him.” I could hear the fear and excitement in her voice.
“Of course, anything for you, Tate.”
“Thank you. I’ll be home in fifteen minutes.”
If she’s pregnant, God I hope this one takes. I jump on my bike and race over to their apartment and met her outside. She gives me a hug, “Thank you Nolan.”
I wipe the tear from her eye and take her hand as we head towards the elevator. We make it to the apartment; Eric was sitting at the table. “Well Tate, where’s my dinner?”
“I’m sorry Eric, my appointment ran late.”
He shakes his head, “You could have called or texted me back.”
“I’m sorry, my phone was on silent. We can order dinner, please, I have some news to tell you.”
He turns to me, “What are you doing here? Why are you two together? Was she with you the whole time?”
“Eric, watch yourself. I ran into Tate downstairs, I was worried about her when you said you hadn’t heard from her. Now don’t be a fucking ass and let her talk.”
He just shakes his head. “Fine, what’s the big news?”
She reaches in her purse and pulls out an envelope and hands it to him. He opens it and tosses it on the table. “Great, you’re pregnant. Don’t worry about dinner, I’ll grab something on my way to the club.”
“Stay home tonight, Eric, I don’t need you at the club tonight. Celebrate with Tate. Take her out to dinner, it’s my treat.”
“No thanks, bro. I’d rather grab dinner and work.”
He got up, gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked out the apartment.”
She turns and cries in my arms. “How stupid can I be? I thought he’d be happy.”
I hold her tight, “You aren’t stupid Tate, he is. I promise you Tate, you are perfect. Now order you some dinner, you and that little one need to eat.”
“That’s okay, I have some leftovers in the fridge.”
“Tate.” She bites her lip as she looks up at me. “Dinner is on me tonight, okay?”
She shakes her head and hands me her phone after she picks out what she wants for dinner. I enter my credit card info and make sure it saves. “Use my card whenever you need anything Tate.”
I give her another hug, “Are you sure you are going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I… I just thought he’d be happy. Don’t know why, but I did.”
“Give his dumbass some time, he’ll come around. I gotta get to the club. I’m just a text or call away if you need me.”
“Thank you Nolan. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
I kiss her forehead, “I’m always here for you Tate.”
I leave after that. Before I do something I can’t take back. I won’t put her in that situation. My dumbass brother needs to get his shit together. I don’t know what she sees in him, but I won’t jeopardize that baby getting to be with his mother and father just because I’m in love with my brother’s girlfriend. But I will be there. By her side. Making sure she gets everything she needs. No matter what.
