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THE EXACT SCIENCE OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Summary

Edit Duke has spent most of his life trying to stay out of the spotlight—a difficult task when his father is the President of the United States. All he wants is a quiet life far away from politics, cameras, and his father’s increasingly bizarre decisions. Then a birthday trip to Greenland goes spectacularly wrong. A strange encounter in a cave introduces Duke and his best friend Rick to Enni, an Anunnaki with some disturbing news: many of humanity’s most ridiculous conspiracy theories are not theories at all. Reptilians influence world leaders. Bigfoot exists. Secret societies perform very real rituals. The Vatican knows far too much. And the barriers separating Earth from other worlds are beginning to break. Soon Duke, Rick, Enni, and Erica—a journalist with her own dangerous connection to the conspiracy movement WhyAnon—find themselves caught between creatures, governments, cults, and civilizations, each convinced they know what is best for humanity. Unfortunately, the people responsible for saving the world may be the least qualified people imaginable. A satirical sci-fi adventure about conspiracy theories, friendship, power, and what happens when absolutely everyone turns out to be at least a little bit right.

Status
Complete
Chapters
38
Rating
n/a
Age Rating
18+

Chapter 1

“Mr. President, are you ready?”

“Yes, thank you.”

The makeup artists fluttered their brushes around the President’s face and neck like butterflies. He was ready. He was always ready. His face radiated confidence bordering on insanity. He absolutely did not give a damn what anyone thought of him. He was the fucking president, elected by his own people.

Except sticky sweat was trickling down his back.

“People of America! I officially declare that today is the day when I must admit: we need the territory of Greenland. We need it! The enemy could attack us from the north, and we must be prepared for such a turn of events. Military bases in northern Greenland must protect the safety of our citizens, the prosperity of our country, and the peaceful skies above our heads. As long as I am President, you will sleep soundly. God bless America!”

Camera shutters started clicking from every direction. The President was used to it. His eyes would recover from the flashes soon enough, and his vision would return. Everything had gone better than he expected. People were used to his bold statements, and the journalists immediately started shouting questions over one another. His people would deal with them.

He hurried to his office. Closed the door. Exhaled. The office was dark and cool. Just as he had ordered, there was no one there. He wanted a drink. Damn it, he deserved a good glass of aged Scotch. It had been a hard day.

He walked over to the bar, took out a heavy tumbler, and picked up the decanter. He rarely drank. But today he needed it. He wanted silence in his head. After tossing in a couple of ice cubes, he started pouring the drink into his glass when a sudden ringing from inside his desk drawer made him spill the contents of the decanter.

“Shit.”

The President froze, unsure what to do. No one had ever called him before. He hadn’t even known there was a phone in there. He put down the glass and the decanter and cautiously approached his desk. Opened the drawer.

There was a phone inside. No caller ID.

“Hello?”

“You did everything right today. Good boy. We didn’t make you President for nothing.”

The voice cut off. The phone died. From that moment on, it was nothing more than a useless device. For a second, the President felt afraid. Sticky sweat broke out across his back again. Maybe today he deserved two glasses of Scotch.

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