The Oasis and the End of the World

Deleza Banks

October 3rd, 2019

Looking back, it seems that I have sat on the floor many times during my life. Something about doing it grounds and comforts me, I guess. It helps me to put things in perspective. Sometimes I'll do it because of grief, or when I'm processing deep hurt. Sometimes I'll be laughing myself silly while joking with my big brother. Perhaps just trying to figure out what steps to take next in my life. Right now though, I'm contemplating what led me here, to the most perfect, finished hardwood flooring that I have ever contemplated on!

Freedom, finally! It feels so good to be independent. I am finally getting a taste of true liberation. Well, as liberated as I can be while living with Chay, my big brother who is always in my business, and in an amazing penthouse apartment that my sister, who set ground rules and could probably drop by without warning at any time, got for us.

All we had to do was roll up our sleeves to dust, sweep, clean and paint and the place was ours, a beautiful two-floor penthouse apartment in the Big Apple! This makes up for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life! I'm ready, so excited for my new start, just me and Chay. I wish my father could have come, he is such a sweet man, but everyone knows that his loyalty to my mother could be the downfall of all of us, so we had to leave him behind, not even telling him that we had planned to move.

Chay starts his job hunt tomorrow, but until then, our sister has given us enough money and resources for us to be alright for a good while. I was so glad to find out that we had these connections to New York. When I was at my lowest, I thought I'd never get out of the dark place I had no choice but to stay in. God, I hated living in the South, but now, I've left it in the dust. My life is finally starting and it is nearly perfect.

The thing that is gonna make it perfect is when I'm 18 and I can finally get my High School Equivalency. Until then, I have to fly under the radar which I think is gonna be easy to do in a fucking penthouse! The new me will not have any connection to North Carolina, my mother, my defecting bitch of a sister, or the southern schools I went to. I'll have to work on losing this country accent as soon as possible.

My brother and I were in a bad spot, living with our sick mother who took every chance to let us know that we didn't measure up to her standards, but our sister told us that once Chay turned 18, she could set us up in her friend's penthouse in New York. I really owe Chay. I was nervous to come at first, but he said he would take care of everything that she didn't. We just had to promise not to burn the place down. I'm only 16 now, so if anyone asks, you haven't seen me.

This place has everything. Its already furnished and its two floors. As long as we stay out of this one room on the second floor, everything should be alright. We definitely don't want to step on any toes, so that won't be a problem.

"Lee, did you see my black bag? The one with the neon zipper?" Chay stomps into my room as I hang up the last bit of my clothes. I chide him for dropping food crumbs onto my newly cleaned floor.

"Yea, I put it in your closet. You almost left it in the cab."

"Ok, responsible one. Good lookin out. You and me, we got this, we don't need anyone else. Except," he pauses at my doorway. thoughtfully, "remind me to thank what's-her-face for this sweet apartment. What's for dinner?"

Chay has three sisters, and according to him, I am enough of a pain that he doesn't need to have a relationship with the other two. He and my big sister never got along and we don't even know our oldest sister. I guess its her guilt that got us this place, but I understand where he is coming from, so I don't ask questions.

"Her face is Amaryllis and you can eat whatever your new girlfriend makes you. I ain't cha cook."

"She's not my girlfriend, ugh, I hope I don't ever see her again." he says shaking off the willies this girl who was staring at him in the lobby apparently gives him.

"Why don't I get us some McDonald's? It's only two blocks away."

"Sounds like a plan."

20 minutes later, I'm walking out of McDonald's with dinner and a job application. My interview is in a few days and I have to bring in the proper-ish paperwork. I kept an old ID with my name spelled wrong, so that pretty much sums up my current plan to stay under the radar.

I don't want to work at McDonald's, but I'm 16 with no job experience and an incomplete high school education, but that's all gonna change soon. I'm gonna get my High School Equivalency, do an adult continuing education class, get a better job and start saving up to go to college.

It has always been my dream to live in New York City and I've made it here earlier than I could ever have imagined. I'm not gonna mess this opportunity up!

~~~~~~~~

Wow, I don't even know who this girl is.

I found these words, a page from the journal I kept when I was young, in my old studio. It tells of the optimism coursing through my veins the very first few days I lived in this apartment, in New York.

God, I wish I could feel that again.

The long forgotten account of my first days in the city was covered in dust in my abandoned studio. I'd made such great memories in this room back then. When it all went out the window, I locked the door and didn't turn back. I haven't set foot in this room for almost a year.

I see my current self in some of young Deleza’s sentiments. Never missing a chance to mention what annoys me or makes me unhappy, but back then, they were just sprinkles, a mere brief sun shower. Now, the rain won't stop.

What happens when the rain shower turns into a deluge? I happen. Dahlia Banks, age 22. A shell who has seen how the world really works, who, as it turns out, has almost no support and little hope for the future. Jeez, I swear I'm not known for being so bleak, I'm getting on my own nerves. All I know is that the rain cloud followed me from North Carolina. I thought it couldn't touch me but now, I am the rain cloud and it all stemmed from a text message I received two weeks ago.

~I know who has been impersonating you. Don't talk to anybody. You can't trust anybody.