Chapter 1
“I’m such a loser.”
I’m stirring. I can see Carly standing in front of me crying.
“Carly!” I call out.
“Carly!”
My alarm goes off.
Tears stream down my cheeks.
“Cassie?” My roommate, Juliana comes into my room.
“No!” I’m crying. “Come back, please!!”
Juliana wraps me into a hug.
“She was literally right in front of me!” I’m crying.
Juliana takes my hands.
“Dear Heavenly Father,
please bring Cassie peace and healing today.”
“I’m sorry.” I’m crying as she finishes the prayer.
“Cass. It’s fine.” She takes my hand. “Want to get some breakfast?”
“Are you making cinnamon rolls again?”
“Yep.”
The sticky smell of cinnamon rolls is literally so comforting right now.
I grab my speaker and turn on some worship music, before heading into rhe shower and getting my scrubs for work.
Another day as a CLS.
I’m a child life specialist at the hospital. I’ve always been so passionate about working with children.
And thanks to a Congenital Heart Defect, becoming a CLS is helping me deal wjth my Early Childhood Medical Trauma. Hashtag E M D R.
“Hey!” Juliana calls, snapping me out of my worship shower session.
“What??!” I’m laughing.
“I’m leaving. The cinnamon rolls are on baking sheet.”
Yay!
“Okurrr!!” I call.
“Love you!”
“Love you!” I turn off the shower, and get dressed.
I have a few hours before TOA comes to take me to the hospital.
But I like getting up early.
I FaceTime mom.
“Hi honey!” Mom answers. “I’m going to breakfast with aunt Sophie.”
“Hi, mom.” I answer.
“Do you work today?” She asks.
“Yeah. From Ten to seven.” I sent her my schedule three times.
“Do you get a lunch break?”
“Yes, mom.” I’m laughing.
“Okay, good.”
I grab a cinnamon roll from the baking sheet.
They’ve cooled off enough.
I pour some cold brew into a glass, and fill another cup with ice.
“You doing your science experiment?!”
“AAH!”
I forgot I was FaceTiming mom.
Dad is looking at the screen, laughing. “Hi, sweetie.”
“Why do you insist on doing that?!”
He laughs. “It’s fun.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Okay, sorry.” He answers.
“Anyway.” Mom comes back into the picture. “Hey! Stop drinking my tea!”
I laugh. “If you guys don’t mind, I’m going to eat breakfast now.”
“Okay.” Dad says. “We’ll wait here.”
I roll my eyes, laughing and hang up.
I open the dishwasher after finishing my cinnamon roll, and clean the baking sheet.
Then I head to my room to do half of my Bible study.
I read the Psalms in the morning, then the chapter I’m reading in chronological order at night.
I open the Bible and read the verse.
“The Lord is close to the Brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit,.”
Tears stream down my cheeks.
It was almost two years ago.
She passed away almost two years ago.
Why is it still affecting me like this?
Juliana texts me.
Have a good day, princess 🩷
I want to tell her that I’m crying.
She answers me.
I know you’re crying. I love you. Have a good day.
I text her back.
Love you too. You too. See you when you get home. Chicken or shrimp Ramen?
She answers immediately.
Is that even a question? Do you want me to disown you?
That makes me laugh.
Ok. Shrimp it is.
TOA calls.
Good! They’re coming early! I can read my book!
I grab my purple Jansport backpack and slip my favorite book in there.
I’d rather read a book then socialize.
I only socialize at church.
Celeste, my preachers wife sends me sn encouraging bible verse.
Try to socialize today! 🩷
Reading is more fun! I want to be in my bubble!
Try to socialize today! 🩷
I’m smiling. I can read and socialize.
The bus pulls up to the front of my apartment complex.
Great!
I barrel down the stairs. “Sorry!”
He laughs. “It’s okay. Cassandra?”
“Guilty as charged.” I answer.
He smiles at my badge, that’s clipped to a pink landyard that says.
Anxiety hates Psalms 23
“I like that.” He smiles.
“Thank you.”
He heads to the hospital.
I notice someone sitting outside when I get there.
He looks familiar.
“Is your name Cassie?” He asks, right after I head towards the courtyard.
“Depends on who’s asking.”
He smiles. “I’m asking for a friend.”
“Okay. Then yeah I’m Cassie.”
He’s wearing a gray button down shirt with black pants, and a smiley faced tie.
“Do you go to Still Waters Church of Christ? He asks.
“Okay, now you’re borderline stalking ne.” I’m laughing.
“No! I’m sorry.” He smiles. “You look familiar. I actually just moved here, and my first time there was yesterday.”
He does look familiar.
“I do!” I’m smiling.
“Hi.” He smiles. “I’m Evan.”
“Nice to meet you.”
He smiles. Looking like he wants to give me a hug.
Instead, he shakes my hand. “You too.”
I hoist my backpack onto my shoulders. “Do you live around here?”
“Yeah, I live in Pembroke Falls.” He answers. “You?”
“Yeah. I live in Pasadena Lakes.”
The pager clipped to his belt loop turns red, and starts vibrating.
“Sorry.” He says. “I’m needed.” He looks at the pager. “In the CICU.”
“Have fun.” I’m smiling.
“Thanks. It was nice to neet you.”
“You too.”
That’s your husband.
I hear a voice in my head, and feel something giving me a hug.
“Bro, chill.” I hoist my backpack onto my shoulders, and breeze through tue automatic doors, heading to the Starbucks line that’s already almost out the door.
“Hey.” Robyn, an RN smiles at me.
“Hey.”
She eyes my backpack. “Same idea as me?” She has a backpack too. “Coffee and reading?”
“You already know. And it’s not raining, so I’m going to the prayer garden.”
The hospital has a garden with benches, surrounded by daises, tulips, and sunflowers.
We call it the prayer garden, because it’s so quiet.
A lot of us that are Christian go there to read, and pray.
Especially before work.
The garden has a small waterfall and rocks leading into a small pond.
It has a bench and flowers.
It’s so peaceful.
“Next in line?” The barista smiles.
“Sorry!” I snap out of my daydream. “Can I please get a Venti iced Caramel Macchiato with extra Caramel, whipped cream, and caramel ribbion crunch topping?”
Diabeetus.
I start laughing at the mental image in my head.
The barista smiles. “Yeah. Your name?”
“Cassie.”
I tap my card, and head over to the counter.
“How are you feeling today?” Robyn asks gently.
“I’m okay.” I’m trying not to cry.
Robyn wraps me into a hug. “You sure?”
It’s September.
I’m not ready to plan for the remembrance.
“Yeah.”
Robyn takes her refresher. “You want some company?” She asks, as I grab my coffee.
“Yeah, thanks.”
She puts her arm around me, and we head to the prayer garden.
“How’s therapy going?” She asks.
“It’s really going well. I started EMDR.”
“Is that like ASMR?” She asks.
“No, but I love ASMR.”
The typing.
The sounds.
ASMR lunch.
I can scroll on Tiktok for hours, watching ASMR videos.
“I know, literally.” She takes a sip of her drink.
“Are you going to church tonight?” She asks.
“I’m working till seven- so unfortunately I won’t be able to make it. But Jules is going.”
“That’s cool.” She puts her head on my shoulder.
“Do you need anything for the remberance?” She asks.
I start crying.
She wraps me into a hug. “What’s wrong?”
“I just can’t believe that this actually happened.”
“I know.” She saya gently.
I take a sip of my coffee.
“This is so good. Diabetes in a cup.”
“Emotional support iced coffee?” She asks
“You already know.” I stir my coffee with ny straw.
“Do you want to pray before work?”
“Yeah.”
Robyn takes my hands, and prays over me.
Then, I pray over her.
“I love you.” She hugs me.
“I love you, too.”
I finish my coffee and write in my prayer journal, before heading to the clock in desk.
“Hey.” Chloe, the receptionist smiles at me.
“Hey.” I punch in.
“How’s it going?” She asks.
“It’s going good, thanks.” I hoist my backpack onto my shoulders.
She hands me the iPad.
“Thanks.”
I check to see where I’m stationed at today.
Rounds.
On what floor?
The CICU.
Thank you, Jesus.
🩷🩷🩷
I take the elevator up to rhe second floor, and head up to the CICU.
“Hi Cass!” One of the CICU nurses that actually took care of me as a baby greets me.
“Hi.” I’m smiling.
She hugs me. “It’s so weird seeing you as a literal adult.”
I start laughing. “Actually I’m a boss baby. I work here to live out my inner child.”
She laughs.
“Have you done rounds up here before?” She asks.
Usually I’m in Pre-op, or the downstairs playroom.
“Actually I have.”
“Okay.” She says. “Have fun.”
“Thank you.” I head into the first room on my rounds.
There’s a little girl with pigtails. She’s wearing a blue gown. And crying.
“Hi.” I greet her. “I’m Cassie. What’s your name?”
“Alyssa.” She answers.
“Why are you crying?” I ask her.
“I don’t want that.” She points over to the IV cart. “Ouchie.”
She’s so innocent.
“I think I may have something in my bag for you.”
I open my backpack.
I open it, and let her look through it.
Bubbles, a coloring book and crayons, books, stickers, Pop- its and stuffed animals.
“Ooh, I love Pop- it’s!” She looks at the butterfly pop- it.
“Me too.” I’m smiling.
“Can I do the butterfly one?” She eyes the pink butterfly one.
“Sure!” I take the Pop- it, and open rhe plastic Ziploc bag. “I love Pop- It’s,”
She smiles. “Me too.”
The nurse smiles at me, and quietly puts the IV in the little girl’s hand.
“It’s done already?!” She seems astonished.
“Yep.” The nurse reassures her.
She looks at me. “You’re good.”
“Thanks.” I’m laughing.
I give the Alyssa a hug, and head to the second room on my rounds.
🩷🩷🩷
“Are you coming to clean the church with us on Saturday?” Juliana is sitting at the Island counter, eating some Half Baked Ben and Jerry’s out of a pint.
“Yeah.” Hopefully Evan is there.
“Hopefully Evan’s there.” I accidentally say out loud.
She smirks. “Who’s Evan?” She asks.
“Someone who goes to our church. He’s new.”
“Do you like him?” She asks.
“Are we in middle school?” I put my dish in the dishwasher, and finish loading it.
She laughs. “Hey, what’s wrong with liking someone?”
I’m smiling. “I want to get to know him more first.”
“Dualy noted.” She smirks. “I’ll put you guys on the same project.”
“What? No!” I try to take the clipboard fron her hands.
“You’ll thank me later.” She puts the ice cream back in the freezer, and goes to shower,
I take a shower and do the rest of my Bible study, silently praying I’ll run into Evan again.
🩷🩷🩷
