An Unexpectedly Bitter Doctor's Visit
It all started when the governor of New Mexico, Karen Richardson, took her 12 year old son Jeffery for a routine 7th-grade physical.
The 12 year old had become grossly overweight, thanks in large part to his habit of drinking two liters of sugared Coca Cola a day, as well as downing lots of his favorite brand of Herschel-brand Blue Raspberry Cotton Candy Bites. Despite being just five feet two inches tall, he weighed almost 250 pounds.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Richardson," the doctor said, "His blood sugar is over 350."
"What the hell does that mean?" asked Gov. Karen Richardson.
"It means that your son has diabetes. Advanced. And I've noticed his foot is looking a bit off color. That can mean damaged blood vessels from too much sugar!" said the doctor, "I'm calling an ambulance."
"Wait! Why can't we start him on a GLP-1 or something?" asked Karen.
"I'm afraid we're past that stage now. If you'd brought him in when he weighed 190 pounds, we could've done that. Now it's emergency room time!" said the doctor.
"Oh my gosh!" said Karen.
Luckily for Jeffery, an ambulance was already on scene, having responded to a hysterical woman thinking her son was having a heart attack when in fact he just had heartburn.
When they arrived at the hospital, the ER doctor realized something absolutely awful: "Mrs. Richardson, I'm afraid we'll have to amputate Jeffery's right leg. His diabetes has utterly blocked blood flow there to the point of gangrenous infection."
"Oh my gosh!" said Karen, "Jeffery, I'm so sorry! You were doomed the minute we moved to Herschel, New Mexico!"
The doctors rushed Jeffery into surgery. Thankfully, they were able to save his life... but not his leg.
"As Baphomet is my witness, I will put Big Sugar to death on an inverted cross by any means necessary! I will fight it until they take me out in a casket! Starting with Herschel Candies Incorporated!" said Karen to Jeffery.
"Don't be so dramatic, Mom!" said Jeffery.
"You could've died, Jeffery!" said Karen, "Mark my words, you're going to be their LAST nearly-dead customer!"
