When my mate chose her

I leaned against my desk, face hidden behind the curtain of my hair. My breathing was deep and controlled, contrary to what I felt inside. Could he hear it? The way my heart thumped uncontrollably in my chest? To be honest, he probably could but he was just too distracted. My eyes were just slightly open as I feigned sleep just so I could silently observe every movement around me, especially his every movement right next to me.

Darien was bothered by something. It was the fifth time he nibbled on the tip of his pencil after stabbing it multiple times into his eraser. His eyebrows scrunched up slightly as he tried to hold back his expression as best as he could. His gaze was glued to a blonde-haired student laughing carelessly with another male classmate. If his gaze could have killed, it would have dug a grave and sent invitations to attend the funeral.

Nobody could blame him. Stella was bright like a little sun that people wanted to keep for themselves and Darien was no exception to the feeling. He always tried his best to keep a poker face but it was like watching a child play at the adult’s table. Everybody in the pack already knew he was smitten with her.

His eyes followed her every movement unconsciously. They tracked the way she tucked her hair behind her ear as the breeze blew and the way she placed her hand on her classmate’s shoulder and laughed with ease. All the while Darien could only tighten his grip around his pencil with irritation. He watched the way her eyes crinkled at the end, smiling with her. His ocean eyes always fell into a trance whenever he watched her. Stella beamed as people naturally flocked around her to gossip about the mating ceremony later tonight.

Even I, myself, thought that Stella was a little sun that should be protected because Stella was also my best friend. The three of them grew up together and so they were the closest in their friend group. Darien’s parents adopted me in the Azure Moon Pack when I was ten years old. Yet I still didn’t know how I’d ended up in this family — only that I had, and that I’d been careful, for eight years, not to trust it completely. But I was grateful, because it was always better than where I was before.

Maybe it was because of the environment that he grew up in that made Darien the way he was. He was more on the quiet side than Stella was, but still more of a talker than I would ever be. He was the type of person who would show up at your door at midnight and want to go out for a late-night snack. Darien’s natural kindness was magnetic in its own way, but it belonged to everyone, not just to me.

I couldn’t help but think back to when they were kids and how easy it was for Darien and Stella to get along, not just with each other but with everyone else too. I was always there but not there. They played the same games, sang the same songs and laughed at the same jokes. I did too, but differently. I never said the things I wanted to say and I never said the things I didn’t want to say. My words and feelings always just stayed between me and my wolf. I didn’t have the privilege to complain like I could when my parents were alive.

This wasn’t my home. No matter how much my mind wanted to make it my home, my wolf always cried out not to. This place wasn’t where we would belong. I never wondered why because my instincts were never wrong. Those years alone taught me that. Things can change and people can change. So I just followed my gut. But even a stone would warm up after being cared for so well in their family. Whispers of the mating ceremony spread throughout the whole school, not just in my class.

Everyone was excited. Only at eighteen could wolves find out who their mate was. The ceremony was important to me too, because I always craved that type of fascination, like the way that Darien looked at Stella. I wanted a mate I could trust, who would love me and a place I could always call home.

“Are you going to keep sleeping?”

Darien asked as he finally blinked back to reality and looked at me quizzically. I was usually quiet and to myself, but for some reason I seemed a bit more down recently.

“You finished smelling the lilies?”

I lightly teased him as I changed my position to support my head on my hand and stare at him. Stella’s scent was always like lilies in bloom to him. He faked a cough and averted his eyes. But his eyelashes always fluttered twice as fast, his neck turned red, and then he scratched the back of his neck with his index finger. It was like he thought I wouldn’t notice he was embarrassed. I knew the process like the back of my hand.

Just like I knew that he was scared of cockroaches and would squeak like a little girl. I knew the country music he liked and played quietly because he was embarrassed that it wasn’t manly enough and God forbid Stella found out and teased him about it. I knew the way his eyes would sparkle when he did something mischievous. I knew it all. Because just as Darien stared at Stella and she remained clueless, I stared at him while he remained clueless. But was Stella really clueless the way Darien was?

“You seem quieter than usual.”

He tried to evade my questions but the worry in his eyes was still evident. They were basically like siblings. At least one of them thought so.

“Just thinking, it’s something you don’t usually do much so I have to do it twice as much.”

“Oh please, my marks are just as good as yours.”

“IQ and EQ are different though.”

“Your EQ is as bad as mine.”

I wished it was.

“Are you ready for tonight’s mating ceremony?”

He was trying not to fidget. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought his nervousness was for me but I was always aware that that gaze would never be mine. The mating ceremony was the most important day in a wolf’s life. I should have been happy at the thought of meeting my future mate. The one person that would let me be myself without worrying. But my wolf was silent and my stomach was twisting as I stared into Darien’s clueless eyes with a sorrow I couldn’t quite place.

Adjust yourself, breathe

I wanted to look at him, even if it was just for a few seconds longer.

“Mm.”

And then, like the devil, Stella appeared in the flesh.