5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Five things you can see: a chair, a pencil, a ruler, a book, people.

Four things you can hear: a desk wobbling, the fans, a teacher yelling, crumpled paper.

Three things you can feel: the breeze, my jersey, my chair.

Two things you can smell: glue, pencil led

One thing you can taste: iron

I look around, it happened again. I bit my cheek 'til it bled. I know it's a bad habit but it works. Every time I do the rule of five and get to taste, the taste of my own blood snaps me back to reality. It's the only thing that has worked, the only way I don't have a full blown panic attack. What's a bad habit if it stops something far worse? Well, a coping mechanism.

Even though it wasn't a full panic attack, I'm tired, I just want to be at home. At home where there's no expectations of me, where I can just breath on my own. I check the time, it's been 10 minutes, 10 exhausting minutes. I look at the board, a whole page of notes done in the time I was writing. I'm not going to do it, quite frankly, I don't care right now.

I just want to go crawl in a hole and die, please. I'm not suicidal, I'm way too scared of pain to commit and I do like my life, just... sometimes it sounds way easier than life. So what? It really isn't like I'd commit. No thank you. I'll just suck it up and keep going because it probably will get better. Probably. If it doesn't? Well, life gave me an answer either way.

I wish I had a person I could tell all this, someone I trust with my life. I don't though. I have friends but I'd rather not tell them the deep stuff. It's far easier to keep it to myself. I don't want anyone to worry, to freak out and ask if I'm okay all the time. I know that means I won't have a shoulder to cry on but that's fine. I'll absolutely fine.

I'm so bored, yet, at the same time so freaked. I'm writing this in class and if someone reads over my shoulder, they'll know. My secret will be out and everyone will know. I don't want anyone to know. I don't write to show to others I will write for people that need it. That need to have something familiar. I might put my writing on AO3 but