Chapter 1
I don’t know where to start
Sometimes i’m afraid you will read this
Good day in the morning, i actually hate my job. I have to go to that place in the morning around six a clock. I hate this job. Seriously. God, please let me get outta here. I don’t want to work in this place, but i have to.
What’s my job? It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to know. The point is i hate my job. I’ve got several disease since i work there. Luckily, i can get rid out of it. I always tired work in there. Not because i’m lazy but the distance. Oh my goodness, it’s very far away from here. Around 25 km or 16 miles to get there. Dammit.
Loneliness is a paint of reflection that depicts the anxiety and beauty of fear. You can feel it and sometimes you taste it in your heart. I imagine reaching someone that i really loved when i have to face depression. I work for life, for my family, and for survival. That’s the reason i have to do this. To catch my dream like catcher in the rye, i guess i have to face this terrible dark twisted road of life. Do i like this thing? No, i don’t think so. I am not a psychopath who likes violence or agony. I’m just trying to survive in this world. However, with facing this challenge, i am not sure i can handle it. I am not sure that i can be what i want to be. Otherwise, i am just corporate slave that they always want me to stay here forever. BUT I DON’T WANT TO!! I have to reach my goal, my dream, but how?! I don’t know. I need something or someone that i can depend on.
Until one day, i meet someone in my workplace. I think i know her. Yes, sure, i know her. She works in there longer than me. I heard that she has been worked in that place for 3 years. She’s lovely. I want to talk to her everyday but i don’t have much time. One day, she eats her lunch alone in the canteen. Fortunately, It is only me and her at that time. Therefore, i try my best to talk to her. I sit at the same table with her.
“Hello, mam. How many children do you have?”
“What? I don’t even have children.”
“Well, how is your husband? What does he do?”
“No, i don’t even have husband.”, said her and she laugh after that.
“Oh, so i should call you miss then?”
“I think so.”
“Hmm... how long have you been engaged?”
“C’mon! Stop asking silly questions. I don’t have boyfriend. What the hell are you talking about.”
“That doesn’t make sense. You don’t have boyfriend. How come?”
“I choose freedom. For me, freedom is the opportunity to get everything. You don’t even know what you get with freedom. It can be good or bad or gray area, ambiguity at best.”
“So, you don’t like certainty? Definite situation?”
“No, i don’t really like it. It’s not fun, you know. Life must be fun. You only live once.”
“If you really like uncertainty and wild life. Why are you calm and quiet in office? It’s like you don’t like anything wild.”
“You don’t have to show it. Just feel it.”
“I don’t understand what you talking about but that sounds great.”
“Feel the wild life in your heart and mind. Then, you don’t have to take the action of it. It is less risky.”
“How are you so sure about that?”
“I’m sure because i know about myself. 100% guarantee, i understand about me. That’s why i’m sure.”
Do i fall in love with this girl? No, i don’t think so. Her mind is too high for me. I don’t even understand what she saying. Also, i slightly regret that i was talking with her. She’s a freak, you know. Next day, it is raining and i want to go home very fast because the road will flood everywhere and you’re not gonna like it. Trust me, it can make your car stop running when the flood is excessive. However, i see her in the lobby like waiting for pickup.
“Who are you waiting for?”
“I’m not waiting somebody. I just standing here, see rain and chat with my friend on my smartphone.”
“Ok.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“I don’t think so. I guess i just wait here with you. Is it okay?”
“It’s okay. Why do i have to be mad?”
“I don’t know. Relationship nowadays is expensive. Some girls will think that if a man wait with them, they will be paranoid or uncomfortable.”
“I’m not that kind of person. Because you know life always changin’. You have to be kind with everybody. Who knows in the future, you will need them, right? And also, if you want to talk about relationship, actually, it’s just a status. Society status. Why do you really care about that?”
“I am depressed, you know. Maybe that’s the reason i really care about status. I want society thinks that i’m a good person. I want my friends admire me. I just want to be success. That’s it.”
“What is your definition of success?”
“Prestige, money, relationship, i guess.”
“You are doubtful person, aren’t you? You always use “might, guess”.”, said her and laughing after that.
“I don’t know. I don’t like working in here. I even regret took this study in my university 3 years ago. But life is life, right? We have to move on.”
“Why you don’t like the subject?”
“I’ve failed in a lot of relationship. Some happens because i was too busy with my job. One day, i liked a girl. She was really beautiful and cute. Until one day, she got laid with somebody who is a lot older than her.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“Yes, of course. That’s such a disgrace for me. Watching the girl that i really loved did that in laboratory.”
“What? Laboratory? Ew...”
“Yeah, that’s true. Seriously. That’s why i hate this subject but now i have to apply this subject in my work.”
Life is not fair? Yeah i think so. Seeing your loved one doing that in front of you is not really a beautiful scenery. I rather watch the room than see that thing. Sometimes i wondering do i have to be rich first to taste the comfortable magnificent jazzy love because every scene of life that also you might see, you always see that situation. Just grab the money first, then you can take everything. The girl that i loved did that in laboratory because that older man gave her opportunity in science career. Actually, she has bright future and she married to that man at young age, 22 years old. How crazy is that, isn’t it?
Everyday i do the routine activity like this is very boring you know. Sometimes i just stay in minimarket, drink coffee and see vehicles drive away and go inside and out. They move very fast and sometimes very slow. That movement is like want to tell me something that there are a lot of personalities in this world. Some of them are very fast to move on. They just stopping by just for little business that they have to handle. The rest of them, they are slow and they enjoy their trip of life very much. They taste that like taste the flavour of coffee with a lot of sensation. Bitter, sweet, salty,or nothing. That’s what i learn from seeing traffic.
Two months later, i see her again in my office. Now, she doesn’t use her make up but she’s still pretty. I don’t have any work to finish, then i come to her place. I use an alibi about work reason to talk to her as you know, initiative.
“I think you should fix this.”, i give her the paper.
“Are you sure? Because i’m going to fix this. You have to talk this to that person.”
“Yeah, i’m sure. I can handle it. Anyway, how’s life?”
“I don’t know about how’s life because life can’t be measured by anything. It’s a process of fragmented light into smaller pieces and draw itself. I can’t control it even you can’t control it.”
Damn, she’s still freak. I think i talk to her in the wrong time.
“Well, it seems that you’re really okay, right?”
“Yes, i’m okay. I think i can finish this today.”
“You don’t have to finish this today. If you still have a lot of works to do, you can prioritize them.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure with that. Otherwise, i need that next week. Anyway, do you have free time next week?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“I think i want to ask you dinner with me.”
“Are you ask me for a date?”
“I think so.”, said me with laugh.
“That’s too soon, you know. I don’t know that i can dinner with you because i have other things to do.”, said her with smile.
“Oh, ok.”
“Why do you ask me now?”
“Because next week is gonna be my last time as employee. I quit from this company, you know.”
“Why do you quit?”, ask her curiously.
“I have to continue my study.”
“Where do you continue your study?”
“In north. On September, i am going to go to the north.”
“Have you received the letter of acceptance?”
“Yes, of course! If i didn’t get it, why i would go there.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. I am going to miss you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“No, just kidding. I am not going to miss you anyway. I have a lot of friends in here and you’re not special. You’re just ordinary employee in here.”
“Thank you for opinion. That’s nice advice.”
“I know that sarcasm.”
I can’t believe it. However, i can’t judge her, you know. Everything happens for a reason, for me, she teaches me about life a lot especially about relationship. Relationship is just a status? Yeah maybe, i don’t have degree in relationship, so why i care about that. As long as you happy with your life, you can do whatever you want. Independent is high priority right now. Of course, you have to be very happy with that. Boring? Fear? And Depression? That’s just salt of life. Without that, your life also will be boring. That kind of situation will make you realize that everything that you have is precious. Like me talking to her. I actually like her and i wish i could be her boyfriend something like that but is that possible? Learning from my experiences, i think it’s really hard to do because money comes first, not love. That’s really normal. Very normal. You just need to work, make your finance great and boom! You get everything you want. Is that simple? Yes it is! Before i leave that place. I talk to her for the last time.
“Would you want to be my girlfriend?”
“I think you already know my answer.”
