Chapter 1: Silence
Enzokuhle Zulu.
The house we made a home no longer felt the same way. It grew cold and distant with time. The conversations and light hearted laughter that once echoed around these ways were almost non-existent. We passed each other in the corridors like strangers, like an unfamiliar feeling. The woman I found solace in every time I walked through the door barely looked at me anymore. We ate dinners in complete silence, her head bowed to the plate in front of her. She could take it as far as being on her phone to avoid any other interaction with me, but she never did. It was like she was always waiting for something, for me to say something but words were difficult to come out. To admit where we were right now, and how to move forward from this.
It was never like this between us, that’s why this drift feels so out of place. It was not giving each other the silent treatment, or the silence that came after a misunderstanding or argument. This was something a whole lot more, it was shattering everything we build our vows.
As her husband, I had failed her. The unspoken words between us were as loud as the ticking of the clock on the wall, every second wasted not addressing what was really happening to us. Lately, sharing meals together in absolute quietness was becoming a norm between us, a rather disturbing one. In the beginning, it was more of not wanting to pry much into her thoughts because she seemed to always have something on her mind but with time we became comfortable with not saying anything to each other.
“Enzo?“, she spoke softly, hardly raising her eyes to look at me.
“MaGumede?“, I answered quickly, I haven’t heard the sound of her voice in a while it became foreign. Things were bad to a point that we slept in different bedrooms. “Talk to me, my love”
“We can’t carry on like this”, she admitted, and instead of racing my heart started beating slower. “I think it’s time we call this what it is and come to a decision of where we go from now”
“I don’t want a divorce”, I blurted immediately, almost like my answers were somehow rehearsed. I’ve had this conversation in my mind too many times. Her eyes raised to look at mine as she sat across me, searching for the true meaning behind my words.
“We’re not getting a divorce, MaGumede”, I stated, firmly. “If you’d like for me to move out and give you space and time to think, so be it but we have to work through this, no matter how difficult it is”
“Do you really think giving each other space is what we need right now, considering we’re now strangers in the very same home we’re supposed to grow old together?“, she raised a brow. Honestly, it was the last thing I wanted because things were bad enough as they were right now.
“I know how it sounds, but I remember telling you to hold me accountable for when I’m not staying true to the vows I made to you. The vows we made to each other. Yes, maybe space is the last thing we need but we do need to reflect and retrospect on a way forward, even if it means doing it in two different spaces...as long as we find our way back to each other again”
She hesitated. “I don’t know”
“Please...“, I begged. “I’m willing to make that sacrifice if you’re also willing to meet me halfway, MaGumede. I know I messed up, I don’t see myself doing this life thing without you by my side”
She fell quiet once again, pushing the vegetables on her plate with the fork in her hand.
Three years since I’ve had the honor of calling her my wife have I seen her like this. She was always humble and not a woman of many words but this was a version of her that was so unfamiliar, and I played a hand in turning her into this. I neglected us at the worst time in our lives, a time when she needed me the most.
“Okay”, she stood to her feet to clear the plates. “If you’re willing to move out then so be it. I’ll be booking us for marriage counselling sessions later this week and we’ll take it from there”
She turned her back to me and walked to the sink to wash the dishes. Subconsciously, I found myself wrapping my arms around her from behind and I could feel her freeze in her spot. This was the most physical contact we’ve had in weeks, I was dying to. I sighed a breath of relieve when she didn't push me away this time, instead she softened under my touch.
“Don’t let me come back home until I become the man you fell in love with, if not better. There’s a lot I need to work on, I agree...and I’ll do my best to get us back where we were. I promise”
“That’s the thing”, she turned and faced me, resting both palms on my chest. I towered above her a little so she had to look up at me. “I don’t want the pressure of getting back where we once we’re because things might not be the same anymore. A lot has changed between us and truth be told we might never be the same again. I need reassurance that we’ll be getting a new start in making our marriage work”
“That’s fair”, I took her hands in mine and pressed my lips on the back of each hand before placing them on my heart. “I’ll do whatever it takes. You have my word, MaGumede”
“Thank you, Mageba”, a faint smile appeared on her face before I wrapped my arms around her and embraced her. It had been a while but a promise was made in that kitchen that day, one that we need to fulfil…
