Dear Liam

“Do I have to go?” I groaned, throwing on my favorite gray sweatshirt. “You know I don’t believe in that stuff.”

That stuff I’m referring to is God.

There’s absolutely no way that He’s real—especially after what happened to my little brother, Hudson, a few months ago. No loving God would let a sweet, innocent child die of cancer. So, I’d rather just believe He doesn’t even exist—it’s the better of the two options.

My mom stared at our reflection through the darkness of the TV. Her gaze was soft—accompanied by a smile as she gently squeezed my shoulder. “Well, it’ll be good for you regardless. You’ll make lots of friends there,” she planted a kiss on my forehead—staining it with red lipstick. “Trust me.”

I wiped the cherry colored mark off with the back of my hand and scrunched my nose. “I don’t even have a choice, do I?”

She walked towards the door. “Nope. Dad and I are going out tonight, and you know our rules about being home alone.”

Yeah, I’m 16, and they still don’t trust me to stay at home by myself. I’m not even that rebellious.

I bit my lip to stop myself from saying something I shouldn’t.

“Let’s go, hun. Dad’s waiting for us in the car,” mom motioned for me to follow her, and we stepped outside. The cool, October air chilled the tip of my nose and my bare hands. It smelled kind of like maple and cinnamon.

I shivered—getting into our small, red Beetle. Dad already turned on the heat, and my cold skin silently thanked him as I clicked my seatbelt into place.

The car ride to church was mostly silent. I had my headphones on the whole time, so I didn’t have to say anything.

“Have fun, Hallie!” My mom waved as I got out of the car.

Sure. I will.

I waved back and forced a smile—letting it fade after they drove off.

All I have to do is sit through this, pretend I made a friend, and my mom will be happy.

I took a deep breath and headed towards the large double doors. They ominously loomed before me—stretching higher and higher the closer I got. I could see around twenty or so teens gathered around the lounge area. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans—determined to avoid any social interaction.

Leaves crunched beneath my Ugg boots. I stared down at them—memorizing the scuff marks that chipped away at the brown fabric. I kept my eyes on them as I wrapped my hands around the cold door handle and pulled it open.

Here goes nothing.

Before my foot hit the carpet, I was instantly met with a wave of chatter. Piercing voices swarmed into my head and engulfed my brain.

I winced—taking a seat on the couch farthest from everyone. I relaxed slightly against the leather cushion once I believed no one noticed me. However, I may have been wrong. Scratch that—I was definitely wrong.

“Hey,” a slightly frail, velvety voice said. “What’s your name?”

I didn’t look up, but I felt the spot beside me sink down. “Hallie,” I muttered—hoping they would hear my tone and leave.

“It’s nice to meet you, Hallie. My name’s Liam.”

At that point, I did look up. At first glance, Liam looked like a normal sixteen year old boy. He had fluffy blonde hair, brown eyes, and was wearing a sports hoodie. He even smelled faintly of cologne. However, his skin looked slightly pale, and dark circles clung to his undereyes like he hadn’t slept in days.

My heart dropped.

I know that look all to well.

Memories of Hudson flashed through my mind like a horror film. Wires and tubes attached to him—connecting to beeping monitors and machines that flatlined before I had the chance to react. I could still smell the slightly metallic aroma of antiseptic that wafted around the hospital room. It burned my nose and my eyes, but I pushed back the tears.

I had begged God to save him—promising that I’d believe in Him if He did. But He didn’t, and that’s exactly why I can’t stand being in this awful place. It’s just too much.

“Are you okay?” Liam asked, concern laced in his tone.

I snapped out of my daze—tensing from his voice. I desperately wanted to be alone.

“I’m fine,” I said flatly, shakily standing to my feet.

He stood up next to me, but I avoided looking at him. He reminded me too much of Hudson.

“I can grab you some water.”

God, why does he care? I don’t even know him.

“I said I’m fine,” I snapped—accidentally coming off ruder than I intended too. My face grew red with embarrassment, but before I had the chance to respond, a man in his early-thirties stepped out of the double doors that led to the sanctuary. He smiled—clasping his hands in front of him.

“Good evening guys!” He exclaimed, his voice echoing throughout the room. “For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Pastor Josh. I like to begin our time here with a couple games, and tonight we’ll be playing a very well-known, popular one! Follow me to the sanctuary, and we’ll get started.”

Everyone broke from their groups and flooded excitedly towards the doorway. I waited for a moment before slowly dragging behind Liam.

The sanctuary was fairly large with several chairs lined near the stage. The rest of the room was empty—like they hadn’t got the chance to do anything with it.

My original plan of sitting in the back was now out the window.

I picked a spot a few chairs down from Liam and slumped into it.

I watched as Pastor Josh ran up on stage and stood in front of the podium. “Who’s ready to get this thing started!”

Everyone cheered but me.

“Tonight we’ll be playing a game that you all know and love.” He grinned, pulling a ziplock baggy from his pocket. There were 2 seperate stacks of cards inside—both of them neatly secured with a rubberband. “Holy-Wars!”

I covered my ears to drown out the intense clapping and explosions of cheer.

“I need two volunteers,” Pastor Josh said while scanning the crowd. For a moment, we locked eyes. He was about to call on me, but I quietly shook my head no. He smiled softly like he understood and chose 2 random people from the crowd who’s hands were shot up in the air.

I relaxed a little, but kept my guard raised.

Two boys ran up to either end of the podium.

Pastor Josh set the ziplock bag down in front of them. “For those of you who don’t know what this game is, you have to choose one card from each pile. One card is a Bible character while the other is a random attribute. You have thirty seconds to come up with why you think you’d win in a battle with your opponent. Once you’ve both gone, you each have the opportunity to give a one sentence rebuttal. We choose the winner based on the loudness of applause.”

I raised an eyebrow and leaned forward in my seat. That did sound interesting. Most of the other Youth Group’s I’ve attended in the past were very boring.

Both guys, who’s names are apparently Ethan and Andrew, picked up two cards. Andrew—the one with wavy brown hair—laughed after reading what he got.

“Dude,” he ran a hand through his hair. “I got David, and my attribute is I have an army of one thousand tiny soldiers.”

I covered my mouth to keep a small chuckle from escaping my lips.

That’s definitely not what I expected at all.

“Okay, but hear me out,” Ethan broke through the laughter. “I got Elijah, and apparently I have the power to untie people’s shoelaces with my mind.”

Let’s just say that game lasted like fifteen minutes, and it was very entertaining. Ethan won in the end because he “untied the soldier’s shoes, so they’d keep tripping over themselves and each other.”

By the time that the game ended, I had loosened up enough to unclench my jaw. However, I was still kind of tense because I was not looking forward to the service. I knew it was gonna be the same old fairy tale I get told every time I go to church.

‘Jesus died to save everyone.’ Well, he didn’t save Hudson. So.

“Those of you who don’t have a Bible can share with a friend,” Pastor Josh said, setting his down on the podium in front of him. “Let’s take a look at 2nd Corinthians chapter one.”

That’s the part where I tuned him out.

“Hey, Hallie,” Liam whispered, patting the spot beside him. “You can share with me if you want.”

I blinked, confused.

Why is he still being so nice to me?

Hesitantly, I scooted over and sat next him. As much as I didn’t want to, I felt like I had to be nice this time.

The entire service flew right over my head. I acted like I was paying attention, but I was just staring blankly at Liam’s Bible. He had one end on his lap and the other on mine.

The only thing I noticed, though, was the amount of highlighted verses and notes he had written down in the margins. He really is devoted to this whole Christian persona. I just can’t understand how people believe this stuff.

I thanked Liam for sharing and slipped out of the sanctuary. Everyone was grabbing snacks and chatting in the lounge area. I avoided the couch I was sitting on earlier and just stood near the entrance.

Ding!

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

I pulled it from my jeans and clicked on the text notification. It was from my mom.

Mom: We’re about to pull in, sweetie. We’ll come in and get you—dad and I would like to meet the Youth Pastor.

Great. Now I have to be here longer.

Just as my mom said, they walked in through the double doors just a couple minutes later. They headed to the sanctuary where Pastor Josh was packing up his things. I understand why they want to meet him, but do they have to? It’s not like I’m gonna come back.

I stood impatiently by the entrance—watching as a couple more families came to get their kids.

After about ten minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore and went into the sanctuary.

My heart sank when I saw my parents talking to Liam and his mom.

“Hallie!” My mom waved me over to them. “Have you met Liam?”

I didn’t move from where I was standing. “Yeah, why?”

“He plays baseball,” she grinned. “Apparently they played against Eastview all the time.”

I raised an eyebrow—glancing at Liam’s hoodie that had a faded baseball logo stretched across the front. “Well, you probably beat us. Our baseball team sucks.”

He chuckled, walking towards me.

No, no, no. This is not what I wanted.

“I’m guessing the softball team is better then?” He asked with a sly smile. His kind eyes now had a glimmer of mischief in them.

I anxiously picked at a loose thread on my jacket. “Yep, only because I’m on it.”

He crossed his arms. “Is that so?”

I nodded.

I really wanted to leave.

“Well, you’ll have to show me your skills sometime.” He held out his hand for me to shake.

I glanced at his pale fingers then back up at him. “Is this a bet?”

He raised an eyebrow. “What do you think?”

I sighed, and shook his hand. “Well, if it wasn’t then, it is now.”

That night, I had a hard time sleeping. I couldn’t stop thinking about Liam. Sure, he was nice, but he’s sick just like Hudson was. If I let myself get close to him, I know he’ll be taken from me.

Life literally treats me like its personal punching bag.

I rolled over onto my side and pulled my blanket tighter around me.

Maybe I’ll never see him again, and I won’t even have to worry about this. I told myself as I closed my eyes.

But guess what—

It never works out that way.