Solar Rangers Return: A Gritty Satire of Sentai Culture

San Diego, 1999

Ray looked over the battlefield. The Komas successfully landed outside San Diego. The only thing standing between them and their conquest of the world was five teenagers.

“They are heading toward the observatory,” Jane said, motioning toward the bubble building in the distance.

“No duh,” Ray mocked. “We all have eyes, Jane.”

“Dax says this time Grim is sacrificing everything to take Earth,” Ken said. He was the shortest and youngest member of the team, and Ray constantly reminded him.

“If you can’t handle it, Kenny, there’s a toddler waiting room.”

“Leave him alone.” Maria shoved him. “We don’t have a lot of time.”

“Grim’s losers never get close to it. She has to know by now how pathetic her attempt to take over the world.” Omar spat.

“This is boring. I am going to end this once and for all. The witch is getting old.”

Ray made a T sign with his arms and pointed toward the sun. His skin began to glow while tiny bolts of electricity danced around him. A blue jumpsuit appeared over his clothes, then a glossy blue chest piece, helmet, shoulder pads, and shin guards magnetically attached to his body. He chopped the air. “Thunder Solar!”

Maria made a triangle sign with her arms and pointed toward the sun. Her skin glowed, a yellow jumpsuit materialized over her, and she donned glossy yellow armor. “Lightning Solar!”

Omar made the sign of a circle and pointed toward the sun. His skin glowed, a red jumpsuit materialized, and he was fitted in Ferrari-red armor. “Fire Solar!”

Jane made the sign of an X and pointed toward the sun. Her skin glowed, a pink jumpsuit materialized, and she was fitted in glossy pink armor. “Magic Solar!”

Ken was last to suit up. He made the sign of an L and materialized green armor. “Nature Solar!”

“Nature Solar!” Ray imitated, making his voice shrill and whiny.

Ray shuffled his hands around, and a giant blue laser rifle formed in his hands.

Maria waved her palm, and her yellow shamisen appeared.

Jane swayed her arms, and her pink magic wand materialized.

Omar made a fighting stance to receive his red fire gloves.

Finally, Ken made a whistling sound to signal his green falcon to land on his shoulder.

The team was ready, and it was business as usual. Jumping literally on top of the swarm of Koma agents, the Solar Rangers began the assault. Maria strummed her hypnotic shamisen guitar, causing the soldiers to scream in pain as sound waves disrupted their brainwaves. Omar punched and kicked, sending enemies flying with fiery haymakers. Jane chanted mystical phrases, transforming foes into gerbils and doves. Ken’s falcon dive-bombed approaching soldiers, intensifying the chaos.

Meanwhile, Ray was off on a hill picking off any Koma soldier that appeared in his rifle scope. A black bolt of energy zapped from his rifle and exploded the head of any unlucky minion.

The battlefield cleared as Koma soldiers disintegrated and returned to the Doom Satellite. But the danger was far from over. Grim Sheila liked to test her army’s limits, saving her strongest defenses for what’s next.

“Forty points for me.” Ray gloated.

“No one is keeping score, Ray.” Maria shot back.

“Because you suck at fighting. I thought all Chinese people knew karate.”

“I am Korean, you idiot." Maria had this discussion with Ray many times before, and he knew it made her mad.

“Guys, we know what's coming soon.” Ken scanned the field.

“Same old mini-boss.” Omar offered.

“Usually it’s here by now.” Jane said.

Suddenly, the ground trembled, and the air grew scorching as a monstrous figure emerged in the open field. Tantoros, a half-bull, half-cyborg behemoth with steaming metallic nostrils and glowing titanium horns, charged forward with relentless fury, steam hissing from his mechanical body as he rammed his horns toward the team, forcing them to scramble for cover amidst the chaos.

The rangers scattered, giving him room to rush chaotically into a pile of dead wood.

“Ugh,” Ray complained, “This is the best she has?”

“I think an easy job is not a bad thing.” Omar rolled out of the way.

Tantoros was determined to double his efforts. He got back on his feet and rammed his metal horns chaotically toward Ken.

Ken backed away as the metal bull came hurtling toward him. The falcon transformed into green wings and attached them to his back. Ken launched into the air and flew clear of Tantoros’ destruction.

“You puss! Just hit the thing.” Ray shouted.

“Leave me alone. It was going too fast.” Ken shouted back.

Omar was in range. He sprinted toward the enemy and socked it in the jaw. Tantoros was knocked off guard.

Jane transformed Tantoros’ metal hoof into a slippery substance. It fell backward on its rear, angrier but still helpless. Maria strummed hard on her shamisen, sending a shockwave that knocked Tantoros further. Ken dug his fingers into the ground. Long vines shot through the dirt and wrapped themselves around the metallic beast. It was stuck to the ground. Weakened and ready for execution. That was always the outcome for Grim’s monsters.

“It’s time for the Final Weapon,” Jane yelled triumphantly.

“That’s my call, Jane,” Ray chastised her. “Don’t forget you are the woman and I am the leader.”

Jane flicked him off even though Lord Darx said that a Solar Ranger is a role model for children.

Every ranger tossed their weapon into the air. The weapons combined, transforming into a chromatic super laser with five handles. When the weapon descended, the rangers positioned themselves to pull the trigger. All five needed to fire it simultaneously to activate the weapon’s incredible power. It was a well-practiced routine for the team, having completed this task over 200 times. Grim’s monsters had been vaporized into oblivion, but they always returned.

The super laser roared like a turbine engine, lit up with white light, and shot a rainbow ray over Tantoros. The metallic bull screamed in defeat, and its atoms ascended into the cosmos.

The super laser broke apart, and everyone took back their respective weapon.

“Another day, another battle,” Ken sighed.

Jane checked the observatory. Grim always tried to install a mega bomb on California’s strongest telescope. She was never successful when facing the Solar Rangers, Earth’s Warriors of the Sun, but they were briefed that the weapon would destroy lives in the billions.

“I didn’t see the Nega Bomb. Usually, Grim’s soldiers are carrying it with them.”

“Maybe she forgot it,” Ken offered.

Ray got right in Ken’s face and flicked him in the head. “Nice move, coward. You wussed out on the attack.”

“I didn’t have enough room,” Ken defended.

“Guys,” Omar interrupted Ray’s usual criticism, “I know these battles are always simple, but something feels off about this one.”

Maria nodded. “It felt like the attack was half-hearted.”

It’s nothing,” Ray confirmed. “Grim is getting old. She is just some witch with dementia going through the motions. I say we bomb the hell out of her space base and call it a day.”

Ray hated that Lord Darx was a pacifist. Lady Grim could be thwarted, but never killed.

“No, this definitely feels…too easy.” Jane looked around.

The San Diego skyline was less than a mile away. The Solar Rangers would need to depower their suits and check in with Lord Darx. It would take at least three weeks before Lady Grim staged another assault on the city. In the meantime, Ray had a football team to carry, Maria was finishing her college applications, Omar’s Ghanaian study Visa was coming to an end, Jane needed to prepare the Fashion Club for the class trip to Paris, and Ken would return to middle school. That was the daily grind of these teens, when they weren’t chosen by Lord Darx, Councilor of the Sun, to defend Earth from a maniacal sycophant.

But that never happened. As the sky turned blinding white, followed by a cluster of fire bombs and a giant mushroom cloud, the day’s fate changed forever. The sonic boom was deafening. Blasts of concussive air fanned out of the city, kicking up sand and dirt. The teens watched in horror as the city they called home was devastated.