Tell Me You Love Me

Kieren

I woke up in the middle of the night again and ended up staring at nothing in particular.

Rose is laying beside me, sound asleep.

She looks so beautiful laying there peacefully.

I smiled as I took in her appearance.

Long, silky black hair. The cutest little button nose, soft lips with a lovely Cupid’s bow. Her face is soft and rounded. Her eyebrows are thin and dark. Her long lashes kiss her cheeks every time she blinks.

And then there’s the gallery of tattoos on her arms, chest, and legs.

She’s perfection in every sense of the word.

She’s been the only person in my life to believe in me. She’s the reason I changed myself.

I met Rose years ago, not long after I dropped out of high school. She was the daughter of some asshole I frequently had to send Trevor after for payments.

She didn’t know about what I was doing with her father. She knew about my past, but had no clue I was selling to her father.

She and I got close though. We had a lot of the same interests. Shared music tastes, interests, everything.

Then I had my first fall from grace.

Got locked up for a few years, let out and then fell right back into old habits.

She refused to have anything to do with me until I got my shit together.

I tried three times before the third one actually worked.

I sighed, pulling myself out of bed and going downstairs to the kitchen. I know I'll be up for a while, so why not get up.

“Watch out you dick,” I grumbled at the lazy Saint Bernard that Rose couldn’t live without.

I don’t like him. He drools all over everything and he fucking hates me. He growls if I go near Rose, and he always gets up under my feet. But, I’d do just about anything to see Rose smile. Including putting up with her baby.

He let out a huff of air, rolling onto his side.

I scoffed, stepping around him so I could get to the kitchen. Once there though I just stood there by the sink.

Why even come down here?

It’s not that I didn’t remember, I just don’t think I had any reason to other than just being awake.

I sighed again before pouring myself a small glass of rum. Afterwards I settled down on the couch, breathing out slow.

You are not bored Kieren. I kept telling myself, staring at the blank TV screen.

I can’t deny that a huge part of me misses the rush. Misses the fun. Misses being at the top.

I was making thousands every night...

But I was also blowing those thousands on protection because more and more people had it out for me.

I miss Trevor and Beck having my back the way they did when we were teenagers. Aiden too, kind of, but he was out for himself more than anything else.

They were the best at protecting me. They were actually my friends.

I took advantage though. I was so caught up in the rush of it all, of the drugs, of the money.

Beck and I have at least made up. Aiden too, though he’s not even around anymore, moved off to Europe with his husband.

Trevor though?

Last I heard he’s still got issues after the last encounter he and I had. Can’t do crowds, flinches when he’s touched most of the time.

I wonder if the panic attacks ever got better? I heard from Aiden that he was having them pretty frequently right after the incident. More than once had meltdowns in places that weren’t his own bedroom.

I didn’t plan for them to beat him almost to death. I had no intention of leaving him in the street with broken bones and cuts that were bleeding. I just wanted them to rough him up a little, scare him into silence.

I was so scared to be caught back then, I had barely been heading things for long, and the idea of fucking it up so soon terrified me.

I can still remember the way he looked laying there, curled into the fetal position. He was crying, if the noises he was making could be considered that even, he was fucking terrified that he was going to die in some street that nobody ever goes on unless it’s for drug deals and prostitution.

I don’t think he knows I was the one who called for help.

I waited, cradling his head in my lap for the ambulance to come.

I stayed with him in the hospital until his father arrived.

I felt so guilty looking at his father who was so beyond concerned, and lying straight to his face.

Lying that I had no idea what happened.

I swallowed thickly, taking in a deep breath.

It’s my fault, and I know it is. But I am happy he’s doing better. That he’s okay now.

At least, I think he’s doing better.

I hate grocery shopping. It’s genuinely the worst.

Of course I have to though because Rose isn’t in town, and won’t be for over a month.

She’s going on some girls trip to Europe with her mother and her step-sisters.

At least Beck is running the register today so I can sit and bullshit with him.

I groaned to myself, grabbing what I needed. I hate shopping, it's so miserable, plus I barely know what to look for, not the way that Rose does.

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” I heard someone cuss. “Fucking asshole sending me to get shit he knows I can’t reach,” the person continued to cuss and complain.

I almost laughed.

I peeked my head around at the end cap where some blond was standing there, staring angrily at a pack of paper towels on the top shelf.

He’s kind of short. And the shelves are really tall.

He rolled his head back, groaning. “Fuck me,” he muttered.

I saw the tattoo under his ear and I got excited.

I recognize that little pentagram.

I was there when it was done.

Blondie.

“Do you need some help?” I asked, leaning on my cart, watching in amusement as he put a foot onto the bottom shelf ready to climb up the shelf.

He flinched and whipped his head toward me.

He stared at me intently for a moment before nodding slowly. “Uh, please,” he mumbled.

I moved over to the shelf and reached up for the paper towels, barely managing to grab them by the corner of the plastic they were wrapped in. I tugged them out and braced a hand under them before pulling them down fully.

“Thanks,” he nodded once I passed them over.

I nodded at him.

God I don’t think he even recognizes me.

Do I look that different? Beck didn't recognize me at first a few years ago either.

“Uh, this is like, so fucking awkward to ask but uh...can you help me out in a different aisle?” He asked timidly, his face getting all red.

“Yeah, sure,” I nodded.

Before we made it too far Beck showed up.

“Holy shit, blondie, I thought you were too cool for this place,” Beck smirked at Trevor who flipped him off in response.

Beck glanced between me and Trevor when he noticed me.

“What’d you do to piss Simon off now? I see the paper towels and I know those are a top shelf thing,” Beck laughed.

Trevor grumbled. “I didn’t do anything...” He rolled his eyes at Beck. "He grabbed them," he motioned at me.

He was always the victim of Beck’s short jokes. To be fair, he’s barely five seven, five eight tops.

Beck rolled his eyes before he looked at me. “I thought Rose did your shopping?”

“Unless she’s shipping it from Italy,” I laughed.

“Jesus, Beck when did you become social,” Trevor asked.

“I didn’t, but I know you two morons, we were all in school together,” Beck responded.

Trevor raised a brow.

“Dipshit here dropped out,” Beck elbowed me.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Like you weren’t planning the same shit,”

“Holy shit,” Trevor mumbled.

“Finally realize who’s grabbing your towels? Unless you lied and climbed on the shelf,” Beck looked at Trevor, raising a brow.

Trevor took a step back, eyes fixed on me.

I held my hands up. “Trevor I’m not-”

“Don’t you fucking spout out that I’m not going to hurt you bullshit!” He hissed.

“Whoa, whoa,” Beck stepped in. “Trev’, chill man,”

Trevor looked distraught at Beck’s words. “You know what he fucking did to me?” He hissed, voice breaking.

“Yeah, Trevor, I do. We all do. But Kieren isn’t that person anymore, and neither are you,” Beck responded, tone a little softer.

Beck was one of the others who got it the worst...he knew what I could do. To know he sees that change gives me hope that Trevor will too.

Trevor bit down on his lip.

His lip ring was gone. You could still faintly see a scar where it was torn.

He shook his head finally. “Fuck you,” He spat at me before storming off.

“That...could’ve gone better,” I spoke, letting out a breath.

“You did kinda have a part in his whole life getting totally fucked for years,” Beck shrugged, grabbing an opened bottle of soda someone had discarded on the shelf.

“I know,” I sighed. “I feel so fucking bad about it still.” I nodded. “You know he was my best friend,”

“You should feel bad, you left him in some alley to die, Kier’,” Beck replied.

His bluntness stung.

“I didn’t leave him,” I shook my head. “I stayed with him. He was so delirious and out of it from being beaten to hell that he had no idea. I wasn’t allowed in the room with him and I left before he woke up. That shit still haunts me, Beck,”

“What?” Beck asked. “You stayed with blondie?”

“I know I started the whole thing, Beck,” I spoke. “I know what I did. But I also know that I stayed. He didn’t deserve to be alone in what very well could have his last moments alive.”

Beck nodded slowly. “Does he know?”

“No,” I responded, frowning. "I don't think he does,"

“Maybe you should leave him be, Keir’,” Beck suggested, frowning a little too.

“I got stuff to do,” I muttered, heading to get the rest of my things.

I stopped an aisle down, taking a slow breath in.

That night was replaying in my mind again. The way it has for over a decade now.

I remember the feeling of panic when I saw him laying there, barely moving. He was barely even making noises as he sobbed from the pain. He could have died right there...

“I...heard what you said,” Trevor’s voice caught my attention from behind.

I looked at him.

“You...” He trailed.

I looked at the floor, suddenly not being able to find my voice.

“You stayed with me,” he asked, voice soft, quiet.

“I did,” I nodded.

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

I still remember cradling his head in my lap, hands sticky from blood, his blood.

“Trevor, please, come on don’t close your eyes,” I begged. “Come on,”

He let out a pitiful noise, almost a choked sob.

My hand felt wet.

Blood. His blood.

Oh God he's going to die here.

Cooper, the largest, and dumbest, of the guys who guard me, body slammed Trevor. He must have cracked his skull open when they hit the ground.

“Trevor please,” I pleaded. “Just a couple more minutes, you’ll be okay, please,” I begged. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as I stared down at him.

This isn’t what I wanted...

"Only a few more minutes. Only a few minutes until the ambulance will be here, please hold on,"

I wasn't sure if I was reassuring myself or him with every time I repeated that the ambulance was coming.

He had a glassy look in his eyes as he stared up at me. Through me.

His icy blue eyes looked dull and glazed over almost.

I didn’t want this. This isn’t what I wanted them to do.

“Kieren,” Trevor’s voice drew me back to reality.

“Huh?” I looked up at him, meeting his eyes.

“You still with us?” He tilted his head a little.

“Yeah, just...” I shook my head. "Yeah,"

“Kieren,” He spoke. “Why did..?”

“I was stupid, I was afraid. I took over everything after I got that asshole locked up, and then the three people I relied on the most just...left,” I sighed looking anywhere but at him. “I’ve spent the last decade regretting everything I did to you guys,”

“You were stupid.” Trevor spoke.

Despite everything, deep down past all the hurt, blondie is still blondie. He says what's on his mind without a care in the world.

“Trevor,” I spoke, meeting his eyes again.

He made a noise of acknowledgement in response.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened that night. I’m sorry for causing everything they did, I’m sorry for everything that came from it happening,”

“It’s...in the past,” Trevor shrugged, avoiding looking at me. “I don’t like to think about it, I already went through therapy, I already did all the shit to let it go,” He shook his head.

I nodded, unsure what else I could say.

“Kieren,”

I met Trevor’s eyes again, waiting for him to continue.

“I don’t forgive you, but...I can move on.” He nodded. “I know you’re better, I can see it just looking at you now, and...I’m proud of you,”

“Thank you, Trevor,”

I was out taking a walk through the little park I’ve spent weeks at a time sleeping in. It feels like two lifetimes ago that I was some homeless teenager who got abandoned by his mother.

It’s been three days since I ran into Trevor. I’ve felt lighter since our interaction, honestly. It’s been a nice feeling.

He doesn’t forgive me, but he’s willing to move on and accept that I’ve changed. Even if we aren't friends ever again I can rest easy and know that he accepts that I'm not that stupid kid anymore.

I breathed in slowly as I took a seat on one of the benches along the winding narrow path through the park.

It smells nice here. Smells like Spring.

I stared up at the sky, remembering the gorgeous view of the stars I had most nights when I slept here.

I smiled at the memories of that time.

I’ve been sleeping in the park for two weeks now. It wasn’t awful, it’s mid-July, so it’s nice and warm.

Trevor found out though and forced me into staying with him for a couple days.

I remember him sneaking me into the house so his step-mother wouldn’t see us.

She would’ve accused him of sleeping with me probably.

We shared his bed for nearly a week, he’d sneak me in every night. He lent me his clothes. Hell, he sat in the bathroom with me twice so I didn’t get caught taking a shower.

I remember having a crush on him back then. He was so head over heels in love with some guy in my grade though. He didn’t notice me, or Aiden.

I was so consumed in my daydreaming that I completely failed to notice Zac until he shoved me when he sat beside me.

“Hey, shorty,” I smirked at him.

He rolled his eyes. “Hey, asshole,”

“Where’s Beck and Joey?” I asked.

“They’re with the dogs,” Zac answered as he fished some cigarettes out of his hoodie pocket. “Where’s your wife?”

“Europe,” I answered. “Some girls trip with her sister and mother, or something like that,” I added, shrugging.

“Well, shit,” Zac hummed, lighting his cigarette.

I nodded too.

“Heard you spoke to blondie?” Zac asked rhetorically as he pulled his cigarette from his lips, blowing out the smoke.

I nodded. “Yeah, ran into him at the store Beck works in, it wasn't fantastic, not awful either.”

Zac nodded, looking in the direction of Beck and Joey as they approached alongside their animals. Joey and Beck had their fingers entwined, chattering to each other over nothing particular it sounded like.

“Uh-oh, Zac found the local stray,” Beck smirked, snagging Zac’s cigarette, taking a drag off of it.

“Joey, blink twice if you’re being held hostage,” I laughed.

Joey laughed too. “Unfortunately I just deal with this without any kind of threats,”

Beck draped his arm over Joey’s shoulders.

“You should come over for drinks sometime soon, Aiden’s going to be in for a week or two,” Beck spoke. “Might try to get Trev' to come too,” he added.

I nodded. “When?” I asked.

“Probably next Saturday, that’ll give Aiden a couple days to adjust from the jetlag, and I’ll be off work,” Beck answered.

Saturday came. And with it came the disappointment that my wife would be extending her trip by another month. But, at least I had drinks with my friends to look forward to.

Now I’m getting dressed to go over to Beck’s place.

I hope Trevor is there...

Not that I’m expecting he’ll hang out with me, but seeing him again would be nice.

I frowned at my thoughts.

Maybe part of me does still hold feelings for him...

I missed my chance though. He’s happily married now. I’m happily married.

We’re all adults now, and none of the past can be changed.

“Kieren!” Aiden yelled excitedly at me. “Holy shit I missed you man!" I stumbled backward a little as he more or less threw himself on me, hugging me tight.

I didn’t expect something like that from him honestly, but I returned the hug anyway.

“Missed you too,” I smiled, laughing. “How’s Paris?”

“Great,” he grinned. “Seeing Tay so happy to be there is so worth not knowing a bit of the language,”

I never would have seen Aiden as the type to get married, nor to be a dad, or to move clear to Europe for his partner.

“How’s the kid?” I asked.

“She’s with mom tonight, Tay wanted to tag along and get drinks,” he answered. “You should come meet him,”

“Damn, I get to meet your model husband?” I asked, chuckling.

He rolled his eyes, laughing a little. “Unfortunately for him,”

“Is uh,” I began, getting a little nervous. “Trevor here?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Aiden answered. “It’s just blondie too, his husband stayed home,”

I nodded.

“You guys, like, haven’t talked since..?”

“We did at the store, actually, last week,” I answered. “It didn’t go fantastic but it wasn’t like either of us tried to fight or anything either,” I answered.

Aiden nodded along. “Well, good luck, you know how he gets when he drinks,”

I nodded.

Unfortunately I do.

Trevor was always a very aggressive person, but when he drank? He’d fight his own shadow.

Is he still like that though? He’s pretty much all but cut everyone off after that night, so he may have grown out of it.

Everyone was having a good time. I met Aiden’s husband who, rightfully, looked kind of horrified to meet me. Aiden clearly didn’t tell him that I’d changed.

I also wasn’t responsible for his last relapse, by then I was already clean for a few months. Aside from the slight alcoholism that I still struggle with...

Zac was high as shit, so was Joey, the whole house smelled like pot because of them.

Trevor and I had locked eyes a couple times but he very quickly looked away from me each time.

I was also aggressive when I drank when we were younger. It didn’t mix well with Trevor’s aggression. We more than once wound up on the floor hitting each other only for Beck and Aiden to have to drag us apart, still yelling at each other over stupid shit we disagreed on.

Now I’m on the porch, getting some air, trying not to throw my guts up from drinking too much.

I sank down to the floor, leaning back against the waist-high wall that enclosed the porch.

This house is much newer than the one Beck used to live in, but it doesn’t have the same charm as that one did.

“Oh my fucking god,” I looked up when I heard someone groaning as they stumbled outside.

I couldn’t see who it was, just a vague outline of someone who was leaning on the wall heavily.

They got a cigarette out and the flame of the lighter illuminated their face.

It was Trevor.

Does he know I’m out here?

After a minute he got his phone out and after a couple seconds was calling someone.

“Simon, I drank too much,” he groaned as he took a drag from his cigarette. “Need you to get me babe, or Adam,”

I could just imagine how he looked right now if there was more light than the cloud-covered moonlight.

I remember being in high school, thinking he was hot when he smoked. Trevor has always been attractive in that stereotypical bad boy way.

“What the fuck Simon? Are you really still on this shit?” He snapped. “It was a fucking week ago! Come the fuck on,”

I leaned my head back against the wall, breathing slowly. I felt awkward sitting there.

“Never fucking mind then, I’m going to just go find a fucking park bench to crash on or some shit then, fuck you,”

With that he seemed to hang up and put his phone away.

“Fucking prick, asshole,” he cussed to himself. “Am I not allowed to have fucking friends?” He continued to ramble to himself. "Fucking dickhead,"

I couldn’t help but grin a little.

He’s still got that fire in him.

He’s still blondie.

“You’re the fucking reason he told me not to come, asshole,” Trevor snapped suddenly as he kicked my shoe.

I blinked a couple times. “Huh?”

“You fucking heard me,”

“What did I d-”

“You know what you did.” He cut me off. “Fucking asshole,”

“Trev’ I-”

“Shut up,” he hissed.

I obeyed him.

Suddenly he was crying. “Oh my fucking god, I hate you, Kieren!” He hissed through his sobs. “I fucking hate everything about you,”

I completely froze when he sank to the floor beside me, leaning his face into my arm.

“You fucking ruined me,” he whispered in a broken voice. “You took everything from me. Everything that I used to be,”

“I...wish I could go back,” I responded softly. Another “I’m sorry,” wouldn’t fix anything.

He tensed a little when I adjusted our position to wrap my arm around him.

“I’d give anything to go back and stop myself from hurting you,”

I was shocked when his arms came around me.

“I fucking hate you,” he mumbled against my side, sniffling.

We sat there in silence for a while after that.

He wound up falling asleep, leaning into my side, arms around me tightly.

He occasionally made little noises as he slept.

Little whimpers.

Is he having a nightmare?

I perked up a little when I heard someone pulling into the driveway.

Trevor jerked awake when he heard the door of the car shut.

“Sorry,” he mumbled to me when he realized he was still lying against me.

I won’t deny the way my heart felt like it skipped a beat when I looked at him then.

The moonlight was just barely bright enough to illuminate his face. Accentuating every feature of his face. The little scars, the strands of hair in his face...

I had to tear my eyes off of him before I did something I’d regret. “It’s okay,” I answered.

Can he hear the way my heart is racing?

Trevor got up and I nearly whined at the loss of his warmth beside me.

Trevor went back inside for a minute and came back out once the porch light was on.

It cast a gentle orange glow on the porch.

“I thought you were too busy to come get me, asshole,” Trevor spoke to the man who finally came up to the porch.

“You said you were going to sleep outside, dumbass. You know what happened last time you did that,” the man, who I can assume was Simon, responded.

“Oh my God you’re dense. I was going to just crash on Beck’s couch you prick,”

“I don’t care, Trevor, just,” he groaned. “Go get in the car,”

“No,” Trevor shot back. “Don’t fucking tell me what to do, you know how this ends when you do.”

They ended up getting into an argument right there on the porch.

“You have no right to expect me to cut my fucking friends off, Simon!” Trevor yelled. “I don’t fucking care if Kieren is here or not,” he continued yelling. “He’s the only fucking person who was there when I almost fucking died, you know? More than I can say for you, isn’t it you fucking cheating prick,”

They both froze after the last words left his lips.

“You said you forgave me,” Simon responded softly, he sounded like someone just told him his puppy got run over.

“Yeah well, we say shit we don’t mean all the time in life,” Trevor answered.

I could hear it in his voice that he felt guilty about saying what he did but he was doubling down now that it was out.

“You should go home, Simon.” Trevor spoke softly after a minute.

“Yeah,” he replied shortly.

Simon left and Trevor just stayed standing there. He looked lost.

“Fuck you,” he spoke, turning to face me suddenly after a while.

“Yeah,” I breathed out.

He rolled his head back, sighing. “I’m going inside,”

I didn’t respond.

I need to keep my distance from him...

Once Trevor was inside I got up and managed to stumble my way home.

It was late when I got home so I wound up just crashing on the couch in my clothes, shoes still on and all.