Chapter One
Every turn brings me closer to the winter I’ve been dreading for months.My mother’s convertible winds slowly along the snow-covered road. With only a few minutes left to our destination, she suddenly decides to lower the roof. I pull my coat tighter around me and sigh as I stare at her. Between her sunglasses and that pink faux-fur jumpsuit, she looks like a Barbie fresh out of the box. When the road finally clears, the resort comes into view : brightly lit storefronts, packed cafés, and ski slopes stretching into the distance.
Old memories threaten to surface already, but I keep my eyes fixed on the road, forcing myself not to think about them.The car finally stops in front of an isolated chalet overlooking the mountains. As soon as I step out, I spot Jacob waving enthusiastically, dressed in a brown sweater and faded jeans.
My mother rushes toward him and throws her arms around his neck. “Jacob! One more day without seeing you and I swear I would’ve died!”
I close my eyes, desperate that she couldn’t even wait a minute before saying exactly the wrong thing. It’s been one year since Alex, her eldest son, passed away.I hang back slightly, watching the scene unfold.
Jacob, this quiet, kind-hearted old friend of my mother’s, contrasts so sharply with her constant need for attention that I still wonder how their friendship has survived all these years.
My mother turns toward me, barely able to stand still.
“Aren’t you coming?”
I shake my head, unable to bring myself to go inside just yet.
“I’m going to see my friends,” I murmur, offering Jacob a polite smile.
After a theatrical sigh, my mother loops her arm through Jacob’s and heads inside without even glancing back at me. I immediately walk away, following the path downhill toward the resort center. Less than twenty minutes later, I find myself on the main street, glowing with holiday string lights.I push open the door of the only bar I usually frequent.
My gaze is immediately drawn to the wooden walls decorated with mounted animal heads, until voices from the back of the room catch my attention. As I approach their table, a natural smile returns to my face.
“Anaïs!“Mel stands up to hug me warmly.
I step back slightly to take her in : she’s swapped her usual long black hair for a short, dark blue cut.
“I love it, it suits you perfectly.”
Clearly delighted by my approval, she smiles as Judith and Kyle come over to hug me too. I’ve barely had time to sit down with them when Dan returns from the bar, setting a beer in front of me. He’s probably changed the most physically, having likely joined the hockey team he always wanted to be on, he’s gained muscle and confidence, right down to the way he carries himself.
Each of us holding a drink, Mel raises her glass, and we all toast to our reunion.
“Alright, so?” Judith asks, dropping into her chair with a smirk. “What’s the plan this year?”
“I vote for as many parties as possible,” Kyle replies, taking a sip.
Dan turns to Mel.
“By the way, your New Year’s Eve party, is that still happening?”
“Yes, but on one condition,” she replies, pointing at Kyle. “You don’t touch anything fragile this time. My parents gave me that whole precaution speech again... and it’s been three years!”
“It was just a vase,” he protests, feigning indignation.
“A collector’s vase!”
“Honestly, it was super ugly,” Dan adds mockingly.
“Ugly or not, it was expensive...”
I just listen, trying to anchor myself in the present moment to forget the painful memories constantly trying to resurface.
“And you, Annie, anything specific you’d like to do?” Judith asks, sipping her beer.
“Just... hang out with you guys. Get some distance from the city,” I say with a shrug.
Mel gives me a worried look.
“Same as usual, then,” Kyle remarks with a smirk.
“Hey, shut up,” Mel cuts in, tossing a peanut at his face.
“Don’t start being a jerk on our first night together again.”
“I’m just stating facts,” he protests.
“Alright!” Mel exclaims, slapping the table.
“Now, the big question! Annie... whose place are you celebrating your birthday at this year? Because, let me remind you, I’m the only one with a heated pool,” she adds proudly with a confident smile.
I let out a small laugh.
“I’m not sure I really feel like celebrating this year,” I sigh, staring into my untouched beer.
I take a sip, look up, and notice their surprised expressions. I raise my hands innocently.
“Relax, I’m kidding! Mel, I love you, but we’re already doing New Year’s at your place. So... I guess it’ll be at the twins’.”
“Yes!” Kyle exclaims.
Beside him, Judith looks equally pleased with my choice, watching Mel pout before sinking back onto the booth seat.
The truth is, my birthday is the last thing I want to think about. If I decide to celebrate, it’ll be for them, not for me.
“By the way, guess what?” Judith says, sitting up straighter. “Kyle and I are entering the downhill competition this year!“She proudly adjusts one of her two braids, then adopts a more serious expression and glares at us.“You better come cheer us on. No excuses.”
“To celebrate that, I’ll get us some shooters. Especially now that Annie’s officially an adult,” Dan says, standing up.
“Welcome to the team, you’ll see, it’s awesome,” Kyle adds, raising his glass toward me.
When Dan returns, Judith takes one of the two trays and starts handing out the shots. As the hours pass, a gentle warmth spreads through me, momentarily erasing the heavy memories weighing me down.We move on to silly little competitions : who can finish their drink fastest, who can still stand in a certain position... Until I lose count of how many drinks I’ve had.
Stepping out of the bar, the dry mountain cold helps clear my head a bit. Mel and the twins have already left in a taxi, but for now, I prefer to walk.
As I start down the path I took earlier, a slight dizziness makes me stumble, and Dan catches me just in time by the arm.
“Need a hand?” he asks, chuckling softly.
I nod, relieved to have him there to walk me home. Once we reach the chalet, I stop in front of the entrance door, one hand pressed against the wall to steady myself. Before leaving, Dan hugs me, but as he pulls back, he presses his lips to mine.I instinctively pull away, and he steps back further, looking awkward.
“Sorry...”
“It’s okay... It’s just... I’m not really in the headspace for that right now.”
He forces a smile.“Good night, Annie.”
“Good night.”
A mix of anxiety and confusion washes over me as I stand alone facing the door. Dan’s kiss replays endlessly in my mind. He’s my friend, not someone I should be sharing that with, not now, not with this hollow ache in my chest. I pull myself together and finally step inside the darkened chalet.
Looking around the living room, I notice nothing has changed : that awful plaid couch is still there.I head toward the bedroom that’s been mine for years, but in the hallway, I pause for a moment, my gaze fixed on the door opposite mine. Tears well up again, and I rush into my room, shutting the door behind me.One hand pressed to my chest, I try to steady my racing breath, but tears stream down my face anyway, and I collapse, sitting on the floor. I clutch my necklace tightly... but despite my efforts, the memories flood in.
His room is dimly lit. Only a few moonbeams filter through the curtains. He’s there, close to me, his warm breath against my skin.He runs a hand through my hair.
“Do you think it would really be that bad... if we talked about it? Would it change anything?”
He looks at me for a moment, as if weighing every word.“Maybe... but I’d rather we keep things as they are, for now.”
I nod and kiss him softly, sliding my hand into his hair.
The memory blurs, and I sit up before lying down, still fully clothed, on my bed. I curl into myself. It hurts. It hurts too much.He’s not coming back... Ever. And I wonder how anyone is supposed to breathe with such a void in their chest.
