Atonement

Valerian H. Marie

Alec could see. He could finally see. For the first time in ten years, he saw color. He had spent almost half his life blind. Then he woke up in a pool of red.

He should have been happier than this.

He used to fantasize about the day he would see again. About all the broken lies that were told to him about reclaiming his vision.

Yet he felt nothing. Not when he woke up and discovered her body was nowhere to be found. Nothing was. All traces of the witches were wiped away. The only lingering scent was in the round room. Outside the room, their scent had been wiped away, leaving nothing to follow. That was the hardest part. His throat closed up when he smelled nothing but death.

In that round room, he could smell Leah. He could also smell the corners of death touching her scent, like it was enforcing the fact that she was now a memory.

For the longest time, he spent his first couple of hours staring off into nothing. Enjoying the colors of the world that now bled into darkness because nothing mattered anymore. Everything was gone, and his wolf shut him out.

He had everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe it was pure madness. Inside it felt like little cracks of a mirror were starting to form.

Alec didn’t know what caused him to stand in that moment. To have the willpower to continue. The pain wasn’t fully there. Maybe that’s why. It felt numb. Like he was seeing himself being stabbed but was under anesthesia. Watching himself get hurt and laughing about it. What a funny thought…

It started low, the laughter building in his gut until it was spilling over. Tipping out in broken shards. That didn’t sound half bad to him, to be honest. Getting stabbed. Maybe he would feel it if it was done by his own hands.

He found it ironic that when he woke up, his wounds were mostly healed. A silent gift from Draevan as he refused to speak to Alec. That was fine.

Alec didn’t even want to share a body with him anyway. Maybe he could rip Draevan out. Maybe if he mutilated his body so much, he could separate Draevan. Take the wolf out of the man. Tear his consciousness out and look him in the eyes before killing him.

Claws formed from his fingertips. Immediately, he dug them into his side, wanting to feel the pain. It wasn’t enough.

That’s what he was going to do. Rip himself wide open and pull his other half out. Even if it would kill him.

It didn’t take long for Alec to carve deep wounds into his body. They only healed the faster they came, pissing him off more, so he continued. He didn’t stop until he was too tired and exhausted to continue.

At some point, he realized he was walking. Through the snow. Heading back to the cabin.

It was the constant thoughts and images that never left his mind, torturing him. He hadn’t thought about what he would tell anyone. What could he even say? His mate was dead. He had failed her.

So it wasn’t a surprise that when Alec finally returned to the cabin where Ace was staying, he wanted to be tortured. He truly believed, in that moment, that he deserved to be in that cellar again.

The change in the atmosphere was evident immediately. It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving only the brewing storm.

The first thing Ace noticed when he saw Alec was the color of his eyes. They were like his own. Brown.

Ace was smiling from ear to ear before pulling Alec into an unrequited hug. Alec stood stiff as a board, his throat tense and raw.

“Alec! I’m so happy for you.”

When Ace finally released him, he looked around. A flicker of confusion crossed his face. It was quiet and without the familiar sound of bubbly laughter.

“Where is… where’s Leah?”

The storm raged outside. The wind was so harsh that it caused the door to slam shut, rattling the thin walls. Under any other circumstances, it would have made Ace jump like a pussy, but he was too focused on the empty space where Leah should have been. Damn, he wouldn’t even mind seeing Sere again if it meant Leah was there.

Ace pulled away from Alec completely, a look of betrayal flashing across his face. It felt like a punch to the gut for a reason he didn’t yet understand, or at least couldn’t explain. He knew something was wrong.

“Alec… where is she?” he asked again.

A moment of silence passed as Alec’s eyes burned into the floorboards. “You want to know what happened that night?” When Alec spoke, his voice was deep, devoid of any emotion.

At that point, it felt like Ace’s intestines were twisting into knots as a light sweat broke out across his palms.

Ace could feel the hairs rising on his arms. Why did he have a feeling he wasn’t going to like the outcome of this conversation? “Alec…” Ace warned. His teeth clenched so hard he almost broke them.

“I did it…” Alec admitted, angry at himself. “With my own hands.” His lips turned upward wickedly. He knew exactly what he was doing. Alec wasn’t dumb. He had figured out long ago that Ace was developing feelings for Leah. He also knew that Ace was fiercely loyal to those he cared about. The biggest thing…

He knew how to taunt him.

“I held her down.” Alec stepped forward, abrasively.

Ace stepped back, looking at Alec differently. “What are you saying?” Ace growled. His lips twitched, his eyes hardened. Fangs started to poke through his gums, and claws formed.

Alec pressed on. “I pinned her down, spread her legs, and fucked her.”

Ace practically flinched, his face twisting quickly before going back to normal. “No. You’re lying. You wouldn’t…” Ace flew back away from him, shaking his head, completely unbelieving. He clutched his head like a madman. “It was consensual. It had to be.” When the words left Ace’s mouth, they weren’t strong. Far from it. It was merely him trying to convince himself. Yet he did know Alec.

He wasn’t taking the bait as quickly as Alec wanted. Alec wanted to feel this. No. He needed it. He got up in Ace’s face and shoved him. “I listened to her screams, and I forced her to beg my name over and over again. She begged me to stop!” he yelled.

Ace refused, shaking his head as he backed away from him. “No. You’re fucking lying to me.”

Alec scoffed. “At one point, she managed to get away… She was running to the door.” He laughed. “Probably running to you.”

Ace’s head snapped back toward him, and for a second, Alec wished he couldn’t see. The look on Ace’s face was unbearable.

“Then I dragged her back. Slammed her down on a table and did it again.”

“Shut… the fuck up.” Ace dragged his hands down his face, teeth gnashing. “Don’t.”

“And the best part?” Alec taunted him. “I enjoyed every moment of it.” His heart skipped a beat. Even telling that lie hurt him or it would have if he wasn’t already dead inside.

Still, he wasn’t taking the bait. It was pissing Alec off. “Especially when she called your name for help—” Another lie, but this time, it was cut short. Ace was breathing heavily after Alec’s head snapped sideways, a grin nearly breaking out on his face.

Ace held on to the closest thing keeping him up like the emotional betrayal of hitting Alec destroyed him. It didn’t take him long to figure out that Leah wasn’t coming back, but he needed to hear it himself. “For the last time. Where. Is. She?”

“Dead. Good thing I got to fuck—” Another punch to the face.

It barely made a difference. Alec barely moved an inch. Although his lip did get busted a little after the second punch, it barely looked like it phased him. Alec watched him.

Ace was seething, breathing heavily as he looked away. He couldn’t stand to look at him right now. “You raped her?” he asked heavily. His eyes glowed in the dim darkness the snowy storm cast inside. The wind whirled around him, but it wasn’t silencing anything. If anything, it only made it worse as every single interaction he’d ever had with Leah flashed before his eyes.

He wanted to confirm it.

You could see the exact moment he held his breath, waiting for an answer. His breath stopped. The only steam in the air came from Alec’s long, steady breathing. “Yes.”

Green, glowing eyes locked onto him. “You fucking bastard!” That’s when Ace lunged at his alpha. He threw punches left and right, not thinking about the consequences. He was too overcome by hatred and grief for reasons he couldn’t explain. It was all too confusing, but regardless, the minimum was that she was his friend.

He punched Alec in the face again. This time, the blow finally sent him stumbling backward, knocking over a lamp as he landed against the wall.

At first, Ace didn’t want to hurt Alec, but now that was changing. He wanted to kill him. He extended his hand and dug his claws into Alec’s side while pressing his forearm against his throat. Ace snarled in his face. “I’ll kill you.”

Alec didn’t say anything. Instead, he bared his throat. A silent plea. Slit my throat. Ear to ear if you have to. That threw Ace off. He wasn’t fighting this like he would have. Almost like he wanted it because he felt guilty.

The look of realization must have moved Alec into speaking again. “You should have heard the pretty sounds she made when I carved my name into her skin—”

Ace punched the wall beside him, leaving a hole, then grabbed Alec and slammed him back before delivering a punch to the gut.

Alec only leaned in slightly. Pain radiated through his already battered body. He hadn’t slept or eaten properly. He was exhausted. Ace hit him again. He didn’t stop until Alec was bleeding.

Blood dripped from his mouth. Yet not one time did he ever dodge a punch or even hit him back. If anything, he was welcoming it. That’s it! “HIT ME BACK!” Ace roared. “COME ON, YOU BASTARD!”

He continued hitting him. “YOU BITCH! HIT ME!” Ace yelled after every hit. Then he stilled, breathing heavily. “Why…” Ace huffed.

Alec was sitting on the ground, eyes closed, resting his head back against the wall as he breathed heavily. “Why won’t you fucking hit me…” Ace asked, glancing at Alec. There was a look of pain on his face. Ace studied him.

Pain didn’t have much effect on him. Ace knew that. This was a different type of pain. The kind where you were the victim. A slave to your own body. Ace’s eyes contorted as he looked at him. He scoffed. I’m so fucking stupid…

Ace stopped walking once he reached the other side of the room. He slid himself down the wall, resting his head against it, almost mirroring Alec. It was the two of them, breathing heavily. “It wasn’t you…” Ace finally broke the silence.

A long moment passed.

Neither knew what to say or do. The whole damn world around them felt so small and insignificant. Like their entire sun had been snuffed out. Their home was gone and destroyed. The destruction left everything in shambles at their feet. How did they put the pieces back together now?

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does,” Ace said. “I hate you. I fucking hate you. You are not my friend. Not my brother. The only thing you are is my alpha.”

That caught Alec off guard. He deserved those words. He knew that, but it was foreign coming from Ace. Alec opened his eyes to meet the hatred in Ace’s.

“I wanted to go with you. If I had gone, none of this would have happened. From the beginning—” Ace scoffed, rolling his eyes and shaking his head as he cut himself off. “Forget it… doesn’t fucking matter anymore.” Ace turned his head away. He wanted to say more. He was angry. He was hurting. Yet he knew he needed to stay silent. For the same reason why he wasn’t attacking Alec anymore. A part of him knew what he meant.

Alec had a habit of reckless behavior when he was punishing himself. It was something the boys—Ace and Rem—were accustomed to. It was his way of making amends. For the mistakes of his wolf. For the things he couldn’t control but fought so hard to try. That’s when he said it. That’s what confirmed it. “Kill me…”

Ace didn’t look at him right away. Yet Alec’s plea sat heavy on his heart.

“If you kill me… you can say it was an accident. Rem will take over and you—”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALEC!” Ace interrupted him. “If you feel guilty for what Draevan did, I understand that because I would too…” Ace continued, “But now you have to deal with it. Deal with the consequences of being—UGH!” Ace interrupted himself again. He was struggling badly. He couldn’t be another reason. Another knife in Alec’s back. Even though he wanted nothing more to call him a weak coward. As much as he hated him at this moment, Alec was still his friend. His brother. The same boy he had helped and even still loved. He had seen the aftermath of the torture Alec endured, and he refused to be another person who would say mean things to him. Words he would internalize.

“Dammit, Ace! Don’t you want me fucking dead? Don’t bullshit with me. You loved her too!” Alec yelled.

Ace froze, ignoring that. It went without saying. What do you say to your lifelong friend? Your brother and alpha? Sorry, I’m a shitty friend and I love your mate? The fuck?

Alec broke again when he realized Ace wouldn’t grant him death. Tears fell down his face as he hid his face in his hands, sobs tearing out of his mouth. “It doesn’t matter if Draevan did it… it was still my hands. It doesn’t matter if it was his will… it was my eyes that saw it. It doesn’t matter because it was still me. Still my eyes, my face, and my voice.”

Ace swallowed hard. Not because of what he was going to say. He knew the truth. Still, it was hard to admit. “No…” Because it meant he had to admit something. “She still loved you.” The fact of the matter was that he couldn’t escape it. He was jealous. He loved her. He had wished it was him instead. He wanted to be her mate instead because then she’d still be alive. They sat for the rest of the time in silence.

Alec was trying to calm the raging storm inside his body. Yet the dark thoughts kept coming, one after another. Ways to end his life. One method more painful than the next. The more he thought about it, the more creative he was becoming.

Alec looked down at his hands. The same hands that had held her. The same hands that had failed to save her. His fingers curled into fists. He didn’t deserve to see the world again. Not when she couldn’t. Alec closed his eyes. For the first time in ten years, he could see.

He wished he couldn’t.

~🖤~