Iron Veil: Strong Emotional Start, Some Pitfalls

"Disclaimer: This review is written as of Chapter 6, so some of this may be addressed in later chapters. I understand the author is using AI in their writing, which I have no complaint about; it's disclosed as the platform requires. --- The Iron Veil appears to be a by-the-numbers start after six chapters of world-building and character information. However, this story has been given to us in a pleasant and enjoyable fashion thus far. Chapter 6 is the strongest emotional chapter so far and has some of the best momentum (to be expected, with the setup from earlier chapters... I believe we're finally getting to the meat of the story!). Even so, I find myself at odds between the writing and the core story. I understand the desire for a 3rd-person omniscient point of view, but omniscient needs its shifts to happen at deliberate beats, or it reads as head-hopping. Across these chapters we bounce among Callum, Liora, and Martha, and within Chapter 6 alone the jumps come fast. We're with Liora as she opens the dress, then inside Martha's guilt over the screams she dismissed nine years ago, then back in Liora's embarrassment about the scar, then in Martha's head again wondering whether Liora is jealous of Maren. The jump that hurt most for me was Martha's passage about Callum "falling completely in love with her." It tells us outright what he feels, which takes the air out of Liora's "like a brother" line and the Maren hook a few paragraphs later. I'd like to see dedicated scenes, beats, or even chapters per viewpoint, so we can get fully in the weeds with a single character before jumping around. I also understand this is a style choice, so to Jade: I encourage you to keep using omniscient... perhaps just limit the jumps? My other main issue as a reader is the dialogue. It does a **lot** of heavy lifting in telling us the emotions. A couple of spots where characters announce their feelings: Liora's "He's always been like a brother to me," and Martha's "Callum has always been incredibly strong-willed." Compare that to Martha admitting she told the dressmaker the fabric was for her. That one line shows the shunning, Martha's loyalty, and her stubbornness without naming any of them. More of that, please! The narration does this too ("genuinely touched," "her voice rich with sincerity"). I suspect that if we can sit inside a single character for more than a few paragraphs, this issue might resolve naturally. It's also a common pattern in AI-assisted drafts, so it's something to watch for as you continue developing the story. --- Final Thoughts: The Iron Veil has a good structure with some craft issues. I fully believe the story's payoff will outweigh any detracting moments from the flaws I pointed out, and I look forward to the continued development of Callum, Liora, Martha, and any other characters that get added. Please keep building on the bones of this story. I think you've got something really worth reading."