Out of Control.

Do you know do you understand what it means to have no one nothing to fall back on? Does it matter that one is thrown out like a leaf of cabbage, and one must find work at ten?

Why no fault of one's owns. I married at seven add to that my husband was a violent man who had killed his wife. My dad was also my brother. My mother had no morals. One thing led to another, and I find myself stranded in a house which has many things to bother about and practically no inheritance.

"This is what happens," would have said Zeks," I told you get married and have a husband."

"The house is mine." She added.

"The shop too."

"The husband too."

"You are just a cast off." she added.

I did not speak. I did nothing but went and swept the floor. She went agh.

But is marriage the answer to every problem that a woman has? As my dad is a brilliant actor and wants to marry me, because he asked me to several times. Then he said he would make me his mistress if that was what was on my mind.

I did not feel safe at all. I would be at the alter and he would be laughing at me. Just like he had done to Mother. She had a stroke because he told her he was marrying her and she got married to her boyfriend. Her half brother Sulei.

Dad loves to play and he did play when there was no policeman about. Nothing because we were in the fifties treated like we did not exist. So, we did the parties and mostly girls as young as four ended up unsuitable.

"Your country is not recognised,"

"We know and if you recognised us, you would understand what went wrong in the world. What went wrong why you all were robbed and what happens when a gangster world with no morals comes down for breakfast and stays for dinner and then stays overnight."

"We the little people have become a tower."

"Come here you must marry then you can become family."

"No thank you."

"But it is the natural order of life."

"I wish no more be said about it."

"We are still seeking what went wrong?"

"Terrorism women murdered in their beds and men too for their homes."

"No compassion as if the whole world is a kind of cake they must eat and eat."

"Nothing doing we love people."

"Go and eat something and allow others to pay and then ask for patrol saying no money and allowing your daughters to have plastic surgery because their tits must allure. And he is the good guy his kids are below sixteen."

"My daughters must attract and marry then I can be rid of them."

"I dislike you because you are assuming the position of responsibility when your mother owns you."

He was right my mother pretended to own me, and I should have flushed her out of my life years ago.

Nowadays we have got rich through gambling we have the best casinos in the world. Mostly we are what we do and that is hotels and most of them four star.

We do everything cater and car wash and that makes us nice when we do nothing, we do a little weed. So, a little party and then the boss comes over and makes for more weed. Then he has an idea and makes us more money. All of it win and most of its money in the coffers.

"So, if he wants to bed his kids that is his business it is his kid so what. None of our concerns and if it were we would be dead or poor. "

"Being poor means, we get sick and being poor means we have nothing in the pot. And being poor means our wives have nothing to do with us at all."

"We would be still married."

"Yes, of course but I would have no say."

"Of course not."

In Cyprus on holidays we learn, and I ear mark stories so that I can write them when I can. I am supposedly an author and do not love the stories so far. I can become too involved with them. Because sometimes I feel them more than at other times.

Dad also is a writer.

He writes for the Turkish radio rims of it.

We had the vote too I did not use mine because I said I did not know the politics as it was not a place of residence. But mother said she knew so much more about Cyprus than London where we live.

Now mother is no more she used to love going and getting involved and behaving like she was important. The politics of the situation is when it is important it is usually for the politician.

The thing is when a country feels unwelcoming and no longer safe it is the concern of mine not to visit that country.

"Passport control?"

"Who did you vote for?"

"She did not vote for the great man?"

"I am sorry I dislike his style."

He appeared to be very pleased and said no more but I knew as much as he did. He would not let me through next time. It was only because of Ma he did.

He whistled looked at my passport again and said this is good. He photographed it and we were released.

I disliked this sort of behaviour he did know he was not recognised did he not?

I must go now he said and he did. His friend was bored and he just stamped the passport. I was shaken.

I am so into all this must have missed something because Zeks said something I missed. I did not hear her the whole thing was inside me and being not a beast. I went to the only country I felt free in. It had a house it had a garden and I worked in the garden most days.

The phone was ringing as we got back it was uncle dad asking how we did? Mostly enjoyed ourselves so much.

"Life is so sweet."

"Enjoy it sister just enjoy."

Dad is a pompous president who goes in and out of character. Sometimes he is not the president he is someone else.

I pray I am right or wrong. But there are moments when the gong would start and I would go mad with shame and self-blame. Because if I am wrong, I am wronging my flesh and blood.

So carefully I sketch in my mind the parts of dad and the family. How they got to power what reasonable cause did it make them so rich?

The cries of whoopie we got what we wanted. Then the second chances and marriages all the time. Happiness and hope.

Like children they live and wear their gowns and then most of them have the balls to carve out a killing. We just had to in order to join the clan. In order to make ourselves respected.

"Did I get it wrong or right."

"I go over the gossip and the telltale signs and I read books and then go over the films and the documentaries."

It had to be correct.

I am wrong I am right. This is what it takes to be a detective. Not a one-night soap opera. As I was speaking to no one about my finds nobody knew what I was doing and sometimes, I heard the family laughing out loud at me.

"Don't take it too hard." Fidel would say, "I failed too."

Yes, I suppose a lifetime of researching does sometimes not pay.

"Stamped out."

"And I assumed no we are not that impolite." said the second man on the desk.

"What a waste."