Diary Entry 1
What more could a girl want? My parents tell me what I need to know before I make the choice myself. I never get to figure things out for myself, andit'ss been like that for as long as I can remember. I have no real idea how the real world works because my every movement is dictated by my parents. I'm not allowed to have my own personality, hopes,s or dreams. Some people say it's sad, but I say they're protecting me.
My brothers are allowed to do whatever they feel like because they are boys that will become men one day. They can have hopes, dreams, and a personality. They can live their life through their own eyes, feelings, and thoughts. I can't. I'm not allowed to do what they can do. I'm not allowed to leave the house without someone being around me, but they are. Im not allowed to be a person, but they are. Im not allowed to be a person, but they are. I'm not allowed to be angry at them for taking the majority of my life, but my brothers can. I'm not allowed to experience mental health, but my brothers are. I'm a shell of a person that I've never got to be. I'm someone who is at the lowest rank because of a culture man-made to be horrible. I'm not allowed to be heard or seen. I have to marry so my parents can be happy, and yet no one asked me about how I feel. It hurts, really it does. Whenever I'm interested in someone, they tell me I'm not a,ot aId i sigh and go along with it. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I hate myself more and more for it. I'm not allowed to like people.
My brother had plenty of girlfriends, and yeah, I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend. My brother can get whoever he wants pregnant, but when it comes to me, I'll be kicked out of the family. No one ever sees my point of view. No matter how much I complain, I'm ignored. I've always hated myself. I didn't understand why. I've always hated my family because I've never gotten a chance to be me. That stops today. I'm 21 years old with no real experience. It's time I put my foot down. I have always thought my mom understood me. She used to, but that all stopped when I turned 16 and was almost forced to marry some random man in Jordan. First, I don't speak the language, and second, he was 30. My dad tried to tell me that women should marry young, but that's not what I wanted. I wanted to he successful. I wanted a better education. I wanted to have my own money, house, and car. I didn't want to be some housewife with nothing. Even at 21 years old, my dad is trying to marry me off. It makes me sick. I hate it.
I guessthat'ss all for now. My ranting should be over, but until I'm out of this house, I'll never be finished.
Just like I'll never be free.
