Stigma

I’m crying uncontrollably. People kept laughing at me, just because I liked a boy. No… this has been going on for as long as I can remember, I’m fourteen now and it’s still happening. I’m fourteen now, and it’s still happening. Even though the days go by, I can’t stop thinking that school is hell. I can’t stop crying. It’s like my life is destined for this bitterness, like despite all my attempts to be optimistic, there’s an avalanche of curses trying to bury me six feet under. But one day… I didn’t feel alone while I cried, there was someone, someone who in some strange way is a part of me, someone who has been with me for a long time, crouched down in front of me. His name? Milovan…

Milovan: Come on Annie, cheer up. You’re crying quite a lot, have you achieved anything with that?

Anastasia: I can vent.

Milovan: Yes, but you’ve been in the same mood for hours, you can’t just lock yourself in this room. —He says, taking my chin in his right hand.

Anastasia: I’m not alone, I’m with you. —I look at him listlessly—. Besides, you say it like it’s so easy.

Milovan: It’s not easy. —This time, he cups my cheeks in both hands—. Although I really don’t like seeing you like this, I understand you need to let out what you’re feeling, but please, don’t tarnish that beautiful face with just pain…

Anastasia: I wish I could be like you. —I take his hands away from my cheeks—. You’re everything I want to be. You’re such a gentleman, polite, you keep your problems to yourself, and you don’t easily let yourself get hurt. Not to mention you’re also intelligent and handsome.

Milovan: Yes, but you’re forgetting that we have things in common. —That catches me off guard.

Anastasia: Like what?

Milovan: Like… uh… —Just as I thought.

Anastasia: You don’t know. —But Milovan surprises me.

Milovan: We can’t sleep at night, for example, that’s why we have those cute marks under our eyes.

Anastasia: What else? Name three things, you’ve already got one…

Milovan: Hmm… We also both like to draw and we learn things quickly and efficiently. —He’s convinced me.

Anastasia: You win.

Milovan: So, Annie, you have to be yourself.

Anastasia: Be myself? What do you mean?

Milovan: Yes, look: On the one hand, I don’t open up easily, but on the other hand, by doing so, you just show that you’re honest with people. That makes you even prettier. You’re a princess, after all, remember? —I melt at his words, and that rigid posture I had vanishes.

Anastasia: Yes… Hehe, I’m a princess, I have to behave like one. Crying for hours isn’t worthy of one, is it? —I play along.

Milovan: And although it’s natural to cry, you’ll get a headache afterward, and we don’t want a princess in pain.

Anastasia: Actually, I already have a bit of a headache, hehehe, hmmm… Thanks, Evan, you’re the only one who’s always there for me.

Milovan: I’ll be here until you’re ready to leave me. —That demotivates me.

Anastasia: That way you’ll only make me ruin my life even more. —It’s true, after all, he’s only with me when I’m feeling down—. I don’t want to let you go.

Milovan: Someday you’ll understand… —He gets up and wipes his knees over his pants—. Consider me until I disappear. —I get up too.

Anastasia: It’s... It’s okay.

Days go by, I keep going to school, but this time, on my way out, I see a boy. I think he’s cute. He’s a year older than me, and I see he likes anime too. I should talk to him.

Anastasia: Hey… —I greet him confidently.

Boy: Hey! What’s up?

Anastasia: I don’t think we’ve met. My name is Anastasia, although my friends—Milovan—call me Annie.

Boy: Haha, cool. I’m Ezekiel, Ezekiel Crawford, but you can call me Eze. —He stands up straight with his hands on his hips.

Anastasia: Eze… —I playfully punched him in the shoulder—. I’ll keep that in mind! —I don’t know why I punched him, but I have to admit I have a lot of energy.

Ezekiel: Ouch! Haha, if you want, we can exchange phone numbers so we can hang out during recess. —Another rush to my body fills me up inside.

Anastasia: Yes! —I’m trying to calm down—. I mean… Yes, I would like to.

That’s how I met the boy who would change my life. We hung out during recess, just like he said, and I was so happy, it was a dream come true. A week later, he asked me to be his girlfriend with a letter, and I accepted. It was the first time in my life I felt wanted, loved, something I’d been searching for so long. I didn’t feel unworthy of being loved. Finally, there wasn’t anything wrong with me, I just had to meet the right person.

Anastasia: Evan! Guess what. —I speak to him with enthusiasm and to my surprise…

Milovan: I know everything! I’m so happy for you, see? You were never wrong, just like I told you, you’re the queen of the world.

Anastasia: I am! Hahaha, I’m so happy!

Milovan: I know, Annie, I know, I love you so much… —He hugs me— Are you going to sleep or are you going to draw what happened to you? —I return the hug for a few seconds and then gently let go.

Anastasia: I’ll probably draw, hehe, see you later.

Milovan: Of course, queen, I suppose you won’t need me for the moment, so I’ll come back when you need me.

Anastasia: Of course!

I don’t need Milovan anymore, I finally have someone who loves me, who supports me, and who isn’t a part of me.

Anastasia: LET GO OF ME! STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! I-I DON’T WANT TO!

Until I went to Ezekiel’s house.

Ezekiel: Your mouth says no, but your body says yes, come on, don’t play hard to get…

I struggle, I try to defend myself, I can’t, I freeze, he takes advantage of me, and my mind shuts down.