When dreams do die

The sun had just set, the light was still warm and rather lovely, as it often is in winter. He had been to the village earlier that day to get some supplies and then he had spent the evening in the stable, taking care of his destrier and the elegant paint mare he had bought to use as a hackney. The cabin wasn’t very large but it was homely and held everything he needed to get through the hard winter.

He had arrived in this area three years earlier, the area had suffered from a great deal of unrest and chaos due to some rogue tribes of mountain orcs and also a few bands of raiding humans who had exploited the fact that the army and the king’s knights had been busy fighting the orc rebellion. Kyall had managed to straighten up the army a lot, he had fought the raiders too and it had taken time but now the land was returned to peace and prosperity once more. But he was finished in autumn and he didn’t want to travel this close to the winter so he chose to stay there. He was given the cabin and everything he needed and he found that he looked forwards to a relatively calm winter with little to do except thinking and relaxing.

He had sent some letters off to the academy and told of the situation and where he was, he had received an answer from Ayfrem and it had strengthened his decision to stay, apparently the academy had seen more than its fair share of intrigue and drama over the last months, some of the students came from privileged families and had a hard time understanding that there everybody were equal. He had laughed when he read it and found it hilarious, he was rather sure that Ayfrem had been tearing at his hair more than once.

He had been alone solving his task, Ayfrem had sent a young mage to aid him in the beginning since the orcs had a shaman who was rather powerful and caused some real problems. The mage had returned to the academy after just one year and Kyall had trusted more in solid steel to solve the problem. He had fought the orcs with everything he had and he knew they already feared him, they knew what he was and they would never try something like that again, or at least, those tribes wouldn’t go to war again. He was rather proud of what he had accomplished. The cabin lay within a forested valley which was peaceful with lots of game and there was a small river not far from it, he had everything he needed there.

He was used to being lonely, it had been his life for many centuries and yet he sometimes missed his friends. He had met up with Ayfrem and Ealeah some years earlier, they had been on their way to the coast to search for some ancient scrolls with almost forgotten magic, apparently they were from before the cataclysm but they returned empty handed. Kyall wasn’t too surprised, very little had survived the disaster. He had travelled a lot with Atzwha as well but some years earlier things had taken a turn he hadn’t really anticipated. She had never really revealed all that much about her dreams and wishes for the future and he had been a bit surprised when she revealed that she dreamed of having a family, of settling down in peace. It had made him think a lot and he wasn’t too sure if that was a good thing for it made him melancholic. A family was the one thing he couldn’t offer her and settling down would never work for someone like him. Death chased him every day or rather, he would lead and death would follow with absolute certainty.

They had quarrelled a bit, then they had made up and things were good for a while, until the next quarrel. She had a restlessness in her he didn’t exactly thought of as a good thing if you want to create a peaceful and steady existence. They had been visiting a city near the coast to escort some merchants when he saw her last, she had been drifting away from him slowly over time, her eyes revealing that she was thinking of those dreams she had described, he was rather sure that it was a folly for she wasn’t cut for ordinary domestic life, she couldn’t truly know what she really wanted, or did she after all? He had realized that he didn’t truly know her that well, she was a warrior like him, she was also a mystery and she had a past he didn’t really know much about. She had the right to do whatever she wanted as did he and in that city she had met someone new. At first she had just mentioned that she had met this half elven scout at the market and he had shown her the way to some merchants who sold some cloth she had been looking for.

Then she started mentioning him rather often and she would leave the rooms they had rented and be gone for hours, then almost the whole day. Kyall had been unsure of what he felt about this whole thing, a part of him was glad on her behalf for apparently Dhaolan was a very nice person and exactly what Atzwha was looking for, but it felt sort of sad too. This tall blond elf would be able to provide her with a life he never could offer her and he had searched through his own mind and his own heart and come to the conclusion that the old saying about letting those you love free was true. He wasn’t sure if he loved her, or if it was a sort of friendship he felt, but he had struggled a bit accepting her obvious infatuation with this half elf.

He had met Dhaolan, and at first he had liked the man, he was charming and obviously very taken with her and also a person who beyond any doubt could provide for a family. But it hurt, it truly did and when she came one evening and told him that she intended to follow Dhaolan to his home town Kyall had felt like getting royally drunk. He didn’t, he couldn’t take the risk but he was not in a very happy mood for many days. He had wished her luck and it came from the heart but he had a strange sensation whenever Dhaolan was near, the voices which followed him had been whispering within his mind and he had no idea of what they were saying but it didn’t feel right at all.

But she had left and then he got the call to go to the mountains to the northwest and he had decided to put it all behind him, he didn’t own Atzwha and she didn’t owe him anything, they had enjoyed good days together and some not so good ones as well and if he got too lonely, well, he had money and the tavern wenches were not picky with who they bedded for a night. The task of saving the population from the orcs and bandits had taken all his time and all his energy and he hadn’t had time to miss her, or at least, not really that much. Now the winter was at its height and he was spending his time just reading, hunting and waiting for the sunlight to return to its full strength. He had time, he had all the time in the world and a winter was not that long after all.

He had gotten the things he didn’t manage to make on his own down in the village, the people there were friendly and very grateful so he could buy things rather cheaply. He had gotten some flour, a ham and some sausages and tea, and he had also managed to buy a wheel of cheese and a small jar of moonshine of dubious quality. He didn’t drink but it could be used for other things too. He had some peppermint leaves stored and mixed with the alcohol it could be made into a rub for sore muscles.

There were often storms there and he was glad the cabin was shielded by the forest, the small barn behind it held his horses and enough hay for a winter, it was quite nice knowing that he wouldn’t have to go out there and fight for a few months. He had fought well, and he knew it. It was a bit of pride in him when he fought of the battles, and he had added a few scars to his collection. They would fade with time, all such things eventually did, and he was also proud of his own strength. He had been very active and that showed too, most elves don’t change at all once they are mature but he could. He had been very tanned during the summer but now his skin was paler, he had also put on some muscle, the constant activity had marked him for sure.

The winter nights were so very quiet there, just the occasional natural noise would disturb it, owls were hooting from the forest, some bucks would bugle, and the ravens crowed from the tree tops. It felt good, it was what he needed now. He was in the process of going to bed, the hearth was almost cold and there was just a few candles lit there, he had eaten and was only in his sleeping pants when he heard a distant sound that made him tilt his head and get up. It was hooves, approaching the cabin. His stomach dropped, and the voices were whispering again, they sounded almost desperate but they didn’t want him to fight, they sounded more as if they were sad. There was someone out there. He took a deep breath, whatever this was, it couldn’t be good for nobody travelled at this time of the year unless they had to.

He was armed, and the cabin almost dark, he was in no danger the way he saw it for it was just one horse, and a single rider was no threat to him, at least not the way he saw it. He waited, the horse stopped and he stepped away from the hearth and the candles, using the shadows to his advantage. There was a tentative knock on the door, so, hardly an enemy. He called out and the door swung open slowly, bringing a gust of cold air. A figure covered with fur coats and winter clothing stood in the doorway, and he had to blink. He could barely believe what he saw, it was Atzwha.

She looked down, her face oddly drawn, her eyes a bit bloodshot and she was shivering. Kyall didn’t know what to say, he couldn’t find the words and she closed the door behind her, her body language spoke of uncertainty and fatigue. She trembled. “You were right, I made a mistake”

He blinked again, she looked down, it wasn’t like her, this subdued behaviour wasn’t Atzwha the way he had experienced her, she was fire and action and the feistiness of a lion. She gasped for air, her face contorted by feelings which were obviously painful. She pulled off the heavy fur coat and he had to gasp and stare, her condition was very visible, she had to be close to the end of her pregnancy. “Atzwha??!”

His voice spoke of his shock and disbelief and she sobbed, tears started to run down her cheeks and he got busy, he grasped a chair and she sat down, heavily, without the normal elegance. “ I was so sure…and he left me”

Kyall froze. “He did what?!”

She hid her face behind her hands, shivering visibly. “He…he was only using me, oh gods, I was such an idiot”

Kyall felt his head spinning, wrath and disbelief fighting for dominance within his mind, what she said…He had to do something, to get it out of his system. “Your horse?”

She nodded, looking extremely vulnerable and also extremely broken. “Yes, please, she is…tired””

He got a coat on, left the room. Atzwha’s black mare stood there, it looked as if the horse had been ridden hard and he put it into the stable together with Zharykk, the stallion knew her from before and then he rubbed the horse down and fed it some oats and hay. He felt terribly shocked, and a part of him wanted to rage against fate itself. To elves a child is incredibly valuable, a treasure for the whole family. To leave a pregnant female, and in special one carrying your child, was heinous, unthinkable. He couldn’t wrap his head around what that bastard had done. He had been raised by elves himself and their view on life had been embedded in his mind from an early age. It was simply something he never had been able to believe that someone of their race could do. He finished taking care of the mare, then he returned to the cabin, feeling a bit more calm. He didn’t want to startle Atzwha, she was in a very difficult situation and he had no idea of whether or not she would be able to handle it if he acted out his emotions there and then.

She sat in front of the hearth when he entered, she had lit the fire again and she looked lost, like some child someone has abandoned. He put a shirt on and sat down next to her, for a few moments the silence hung between them, heavy and loaded like a catapult. She made this whimpering sound and he wasn’t sure of what to do, should he say something? But what? He took a deep breath. “Atzwha, what happened? Please, you can tell me”

She closed her eyes, she looked so very vulnerable and so very tired. “I was an experiment, can you believe that?!”

She hid her face in her hands again, shivering slightly. “He just wanted to find out if he could get a full elf pregnant.”

Kyall froze, eyes wide. “What?!”

She made a scoffing sound. “Yes, you heard me right. He was a scam, a selfish and nasty one. He was all about riches, about power and influence”

Kyall felt stunned still, his mind was reeling. “Our people doesn’t think that way…”

She nodded with a deep sigh, leaning her head back, the broken expression even more visible like this. “No, we do not, we do not fake love, we do not pretend to care when all we really care about is ourselves”

He frowned, leaned forth a bit. “Explain, please”

She took a deep breath. “He was a half elf remember? Raised by his human mother, and her new husband, a real piece of work. Their attitudes must have gotten into him from an early age. He was only thinking about climbing on the social ladder”

Kyall blinked, he had a hard time understanding how this was possible. “And he wanted someone with status?”

She sighed, deeply, her arms hanging idly, her face oddly bare. “Yes, he had set his eyes on this elven girl, from a very powerful family, with lots of wealth and power, and he knew he wouldn’t be accepted by her family, so he had a plan, a devious one”

Kyall felt a cold chill running down his spine. “Don’t tell me…”

She had an expression of sheer agony on her face. “Yes, he wanted to be with me, just to check that he could put a bun in my oven, for if I got pregnant that girl could too. He would seduce her, and make sure she got pregnant and then her family would have to let him marry her to avoid the shame and his future would be secure”

Kyall was silent, everything was silent, a silence so heavy he had hardly ever heard anything like it. It was simply too much, he couldn’t believe it. “And he just…abandoned you?!”

Atzwha had to smile at the tone of his voice, the disbelief, the growing anger. “Most certainly, as soon as I told him I was with child he just left the next day, pretended to be glad that night but the next morning he was gone and he didn’t even say goodbye. He left a note though, explaining it all”

She took a shuddering breath. “I didn’t know such pain existed, such betrayal. I was in utter shock”

He took her hand, felt that it was shaking. A deep sense of pity filled his very soul, he didn’t think he would wish such a thing for even the worst of enemies. “I can understand that, so he left to get that high born lady he desired and you were nothing to him? Even if you carried his child?”

Kyall felt a cold sensation of wrath building up on the inside, this bastard was definitely not a usual elf, he was a monster. To be able to father a child and then just leave to get some other female pregnant was horrific. Atzwha nodded slowly, her eyes dull. He caressed her hand. “How far along were you then? And how far are you now?”

She took a deep breath again. “I was just three months along when I discovered it, I think. I am not sure, it was seven months ago, I have travelled since, trying to keep going. I sent a letter to Ayfrem and he sent one back, telling me where to find you”

Kyall felt a strange sensation, she had sought him out? When she could have tried to go to her own kin? He knew there were shadowelves some places in the high valleys, and she would have been very welcome there. “And you expect to go for how many months?”

She looked down, bit her lower lip. “I have no idea, I will probably go for a year, like what is normal for our people, but he is half elven so….”

He had to take a peek at her again, she was rather large, the stomach impossible to ignore. “There is a very skilled midwife in the village, I bet she could help you determine a due date?”

She sighed, her shoulders sank a bit. “That would be wonderful, I…”

She looked ashamed again. “I so wanted this, so desperately. I guess I was getting tired of the life I was living, the constant danger, the restlessness. But I was not prepared at all, I am not cut for such a life, I see that now.”

He held his breath for a moment. “You can be excused, we all long for something we don’t have and yet perceive as better than what we have now”

She had to nod, her eyes distant. “I was ill for months, it was terrible. And I was so angry, so disappointed and mostly in myself. I was blind for what I really already had”

He caressed her hand again. “Wanting to be loved is never wrong Atzwha, never”

She sent him a faint smile, held his hand. “I hope I may stay here? The winter is getting colder and…”

He smiled, tried to look safe, like a person who would take care of her. And in a way he was ready to do just that, he just knew it from deep within. She had nobody else, and even if the child wasn’t his he couldn’t bare the idea of it being unloved, or unwanted. “You can of course stay here, for as long as you wish, you know that.”

She leaned towards him. “Thank you, oh gods, I am so relieved. I was afraid I wouldn’t find somewhere to stay, and end up having the baby in the snow somewhere”

Kyall cringed, it was a terrible thought and he knew that even if elves are way stronger and more resilient than humans even they have a limit to what they can endure. And an infant is an infant, regardless of race. He caressed her hand slowly. “Are you hungry? I have food.”

She nodded suddenly, there was a sort of fire burning in her gaze all of a sudden. “Yes, oh please, I am…famished”

He got up and put more wood onto the hearth, found a kettle and started making some stew, he reckoned she would need some real food and lots of it too. He knew so very little about expecting females and he was rather sure he had heard that they could have peculiar cravings. Atzwha looked absolutely exhausted, he took a few swift peeks at her out of the corner of his eye. She had never looked this defeated before, even after having lost fights or battles. This had to have been so very hard on her and he promised himself that he would do his very best to help her in any way possible. The stew was not exactly the height of cuisine but it was edible and she attacked it with a startling ferocity. She ate like a pig and he was staring at her with shock written all over his face, she had always been very focused on being a lady. She looked apologetic but continued to eat, he had only tea to offer and she accepted that too, with some degree of relief. “Oh I have dreamed of something warm, for days I think”

He took a deep breath, there was just one bed and it was large but still, it felt odd thinking that she was there with him yet again, he had never even dreamed of a situation like this. It felt somehow a bit sore, he wasn’t jealous of the bastard who left her but she was after all carrying someone else’s child, a child he never could have given her. This should never have happened, at least not like this. He did pity her, immensely and without restraint but he was still angry, on her behalf. And he was bitter, his heart had been almost broken when she just left and he could understand her very well, yet it hurt.

She finished eating and he got up. “It is late so I think we better get some rest. Tomorrow we will go to the village, there is a bath house there and I will call for the midwife to give you a swift check up”

Atzwha nodded, she looked drowsy and he shook his head and prepared the bed, he just hoped that she would be able to rest well. It turned out that this was the least of their problems, she fell asleep the moment her head hit the blankets. She was obviously beyond tired. He had a weird sensation of mixed joy and sorrow, he was glad she was there with him again, that he could be the one to keep her safe. And he was sad that her dreams had been so brutally crushed by some selfish monster who had only used her for his own sick ideas. He swore to himself that he would hunt down that son of a bitch and make him regret he was ever born.

The next morning was cold but there was no wind and the skies were almost clear. He found that she had barely moved at all during the night and she was almost completely covered by the thick fur blanket he had given her. He smiled and sniffed her hair, she smelled like before, and yet there was a change there, it was very subtle and he was rather sure it was because she was pregnant. It felt good laying there, the warmth from her was so very pleasant and brought forth old memories which he was very fond of. But the sun was up, he needed to pee and the hearth was cold. He sort of snaked his way out of the bed and got the fire started before he went outside and did what he had to do. Then he found some bread and cheese and prepared a simple breakfast. Since he would be going to the village again he ought to use the chance to buy even more food, it would be needed.

Atzwha woke up, she looked very confused but then she smiled at him and his heart leaped when he saw it. She looked so very innocent like that and she pushed herself up with a grimace, rubbing her back. She looked a bit sheepish, then she got up and almost ran out the door, he guessed that she too had a full bladder. She returned and shook herself, then she made a grimace of pain and rubbed her belly. “He is active today”

Kyall tilted his head. “He? Are you sure about that?”

She nodded with a grin. “Yes, I just know, it is a boy”

She got her clothes back on and sat down beside him, he watched her for a few moments. “I think you shouldn’t ride now, I have a sled and the mare I own has been harness trained, it will be safer, and way more comfortable”

She closed her eyes in obvious relief. “Praise the gods Kyall, I was so tired of having to climb on board my horse, she is tall you know, and I am heavy”

He nodded. “Yeah, do not worry Atzwha, I will make sure you don’t have to do anything which can harm you from now on”

She would have blushed if her skin wasn’t black, she looked down. “I am grateful Kyall, you don’t have to do this you know”

He sighed. “And that would make me just as much of an asshole as that no good piece of shit who left you, we are more than friends Atzwha, there is no denying that”

She sighed and smiled, there was melancholy in her gaze. “Yes, and I was blind to that fact.”

They ate and he was a bit shocked by how much she needed before she was done. He got outside and fed the horses, then he returned inside and saw that she was having problems getting her boots back on. He bent down and helped her and he could actually see that her belly moved, that the child was kicking her. She smiled and took his hand. “You can touch my belly if you like?”

He hesitated, then he put a hand against her stomach, very gently. There was a distinct movement and he almost startled, staring at her with wide eyes. She grinned. “You felt that? Like I said, he is active today. Sometimes I get kicks I swear could break my ribs”

She looked sad, stroked her belly again. “At least he will be strong, there is little doubt about that.”

Kyall was a bit fascinated, it wasn’t really until now that he truly realized what this all meant, there was a baby soon to be born, and for some reason it made him feel oddly nervous. He knew that women died in childbirth rather often and that even happened to elven females, although it was very rare. She got up and got her cloak back on, smiled. “Well, we better get going then?”

He nodded and made sure the hearth wasn’t too hot, he got outside and harnessed the mare before hitching her up to the small sled. It could only take two people and he brought his sword and an axe too. The path was covered with snow but it wasn’t too deep, and the mare was strong, she could keep a rather swift pace.

The village was quiet, and he was glad to see that the owner of the small inn which also held the baths was awake and ready to receive guests. The man was a bit shocked by the sight but he was friendly and when he saw that Atzwha was with child he became consideration incarnate. He made sure that she got a large tub with water which wasn’t too warm and that there was soap readily available. Kyall asked if he could send someone to fetch the midwife and he agreed immediately, got one of the servants there to run off and tell the woman to come to their aid. Kyall didn’t need a bath, it wasn’t so long since the last one and he just sat there and kept Atzwha with company. She was thrilled to be able to get clean again but the sight of her was a bit shocking, he hadn’t really realized how much the body of a woman change when she is pregnant. Atzwha had always been rather modest when it came to chest size but now she had rather full breasts and there was a roundness also in her face which hadn’t been there before. Yet she was beautiful and again he felt that sting, the feeling that the child she was carrying ought to have been his.

There was some time passing by before the midwife arrived, she was an elderly woman with a kind but stern face and she looked very experienced. She was a bit stunned by the fact that her patient was an elf but she was professional and managed to gain their trust almost immediately. She let Atzwha exit the bath and then she very gently started feeling Atzwha’s belly, then she counted her heartbeats and felt her breasts too, Atzwha looked a bit embarrassed but the woman didn’t allow that to affect her. She smiled and patted Atzwha on the top of her head. “You have milk, not much but it is coming inn. I would say that you have perhaps a month left, no more. And the baby seems to be very strong and fit.”

Atzwha looked very relieved and she smiled in gratitude. “Oh thank the gods, then I know how long I have to prepare”

The midwife nodded. “Yes, but remember this, no hard work, no lifting and I am sorry but no bedtime fun, and no wine or liquor.”

Atzwha scoffed. “As if I would ever consider drinking now.”

Kyall nodded. “We live in the cabin up by the glen, can we trust that you can help when the day comes?”

The woman smiled. “Of course, just send for me. I am Ewha by the way, and I live in the grey building next to the mill”

She tilted her head and stared at Atzwha. “This is your first, so be prepared for it to take some time”

Atzwha sort of cringed but managed to smile, suddenly Kyall could see a hint of insecurity in her eyes. He paid Ewha a rather generous amount of money, then he went to get some provisions while Atzwha continued to relax in the baths. She needed the warmth and the inn keeper had brought her some food, he was obviously trying to be a very good host.

Kyall returned with two bags and Atzwha didn’t really want to leave but she had to. They drove back to the cabin and she was rather quiet the whole way, she seemed to be deep in thought and he knew her well enough to know that something was bothering her. He leaned forth and caressed her cheek with a swift movement. “Dear, something is eating at you”

She grunted and moved a bit. “Yes, Kyall, I am…I am scared. I have attacked orcs and huge groups of enemies without even getting nervous but this…”

He had to admit that he too was realizing just how serious this was, and it was a daunting thought. “I bet most are when they are in this situation”

She turned her head, stared at him. “I guess you are right, but I haven’t really thought about…the end of this”

She petted her belly and he sighed. “You have never been the type of woman to truly think about such things, you are a warrior at heart, and what other women consider everyday life is alien to you in oh so many ways”

She nodded, her eyes distant. “You are right, this is…unfamiliar terrain to me”

He hesitated, then his voice got low, intense. “But you do want…this? You do not regret it?”

She looked down, pulled her cloak tighter around herself. “Oh I was thrilled when I realized that I was with child, I felt so blessed. Then he betrayed me and left me and I was no longer sure. I am still glad Kyall, but I am so sorry my son will have to grow up not knowing his father”

Kyall just nodded, his eyes distant and his expression rather cold.

They arrived at the cabin and now they sort of settles into a routine, Atzwha was sewing clothes for the little one and at times she was very sparkly and filled with joy and anticipation. Other days she was more sombre and he tried to keep her occupied then, to keep her thoughts away from her situation. Still he enjoyed having her there, they would relive old memories and joke and laugh and he was fascinated by her silent strength. And he was also very taken by her beauty, like ever before. She had a sort of inner glow which was stunning and he often caressed her and tried to make her feel loved and appreciated. If that piece of shit who abandoned her failed to do what was right he was sure as hell going to.

He went to the village a few times for more food and by now the whole village knew that he had a pregnant woman in his cabin, some came with baby clothes they didn’t need anymore and others gave food or bottles of ale since that was thought of as very good for expecting women. Kyall was very grateful and he had to explain to the inn keeper that although he wasn’t the father of the baby he was ready to take the role. That made the innkeeper even more respectful and Kyall was told that they were free to visit the baths whenever they needed to.

He got used to her presence, and to having his daily routine changed in such a fundamental manner. Atzwha seemed to be more relaxed now, she knew she could trust him, and she knew that he never would betray her the way the man she had believed to be her future mate had. He had a feeling that they in fact could become a family and oddly enough that idea didn’t affect him, maybe the gods were good after all, gifting him with the chance to have at least some years of a more normal life. But she was struggling more now, she had problems getting out of bed at times and her back hurt terribly, as did her breasts too. She had become very busty and she joked about it, claiming he would want her to stay this way since most males favoured women with large boobs. Kyall answered by claiming that anything larger than a handful was a waste and they made jokes like that much of the time. He saw through it, she was scared and tried to keep up a joyful façade. They were getting close to the day the midwife had believed to be Atzwha’s due date, and then she went over it. She was very large now and stayed in bed most of the time, she didn’t really feel very well at all and Kyall was trying as best as he could to make her more comfortable. He bought more pillows and blankets, even some new sheets and clothes for her too. He bought her a white nightgown and some soft pants made from a very nice velvet.

When she was out of the bed she usually stayed near the hearth and she was still eating a lot but her appetite had fallen a lot. He had a feeling that he ought to make up for not having been there with her for the first leg of the pregnancy, he had been convinced that she would do alright with her new lover but he should have listened to the voices, they were never wrong. This could have been avoided but then there would have been no child, no new life.

Atzwha became oddly quiet, her eyes distant and her smile gone, she seemed very tired and for some days she hardly ate, he had a feeling that something was happening and it was outside of his control. That was not a good feeling at all.

Then one morning she was having a fever and he realized that he had to go and get help, she was definitely ill and she admitted that she hadn’t felt movement for some days. He saddled his mare and rode hard to the village, his heart racing. He had a feeling that this was bad and the midwife was ready in a few seconds, she just grasped her bags and her cloak and he helped her onto a horse the inn keeper provided for her. They rode hard back and he was impressed by her skill on horseback. She admitted that she had been riding a lot, it was needed in her job, some farms and villages were far from the roads and paths.

They reached the cabin in record time and the old woman almost flew off her horse, and ran inside. Kyall tethered the horses and followed her, Atzwha was sitting on the bed, her skin shining with sweat and her eyes huge with fear and pain. She was grasping her belly and the midwife got busy, she put a kettle with water over the fire, found her equipment and placed it on the table, then she covered the bed with clean sheets. “And now handsome, get up on the bed, she will need your help. Let her lean on you”

Kyall obeyed, he got rid of his boots and shirt and knelt down, suddenly he felt very nervous and out of his comfort zone. Atzwha was whimpering and the midwife felt her forehead and touched her belly, obviously counting. “She has begun the labour, but the water haven’t broken yet”

Atzwha was panting, and he felt helpless, like never before. He would rather face a dragon than this. The midwife had a stern expression on her face, she was a master at hiding her feelings for that was needed. But it was clear to him that she was worried. “How long since you started feeling the pains?”

Atzwha gasped. “I…felt the first…just after Kyall left…”

The midwife nodded. “I will have to examine you my dear, it will hurt a bit but not too bad I think”

Atzwha just nodded and Ewha lifted her gown up over her knees, then she put her hand inn between Atzwha’s thighs and Kyall felt her tense up and she gasped and tried to breathe properly. He had no idea of what the midwife was doing but it had to be something which felt uncomfortable and Ewha clicked her tongue. “No opening yet, and still there are contractions, that is too early.”

She went over to her bag and found a few small jars, she mixed some sort of powder into water and poured it into a cup. She handed it over to Atzwha. “Here, drink this, it will make your body more prepared.”

Atzwha made a grimace but she drank it all and the midwife felt her belly once more, her gaze distant and yet focused. “You haven’t felt movement for a while?”

Atzwha looked scared. “Yes, it was weak the last time, maybe the day before yesterday?”

Ewha shook her head. “Silly girl, you should have sent for me in that very moment”

Atzwha suddenly looked terrified. “Is something wrong? Please, don’t tell me something is wrong!”

Ewha caught Kyall’s gaze with her own, he could almost read her mind and he felt a surge of despair rush through his soul, something was indeed wrong. The elderly woman smiled, a very calming smile. “Do not worry dear, it is just that you are progressing too fast, and yet not fast enough. It is unusual but nothing I cannot handle.”

Atzwha looked at the woman with trust and Kyall closed his eyes, feeling like a bastard for not being able to help her. Ewha felt the belly again, her smile stayed but there was a certain stiffness to her movements which told Kyall that she knew something they didn’t. She turned her head, “Please, place the kettle on the table over there, the water is warm now”

She grasped a sort of tool from the table and put it into a jar of something which smelled strong, then she sort of hid it from Atzwha. “Dear, I think I should break your water, that will speed things up.”

She turned to Kyall. “Grasp those towels over there, and put them under her, then get back on the bed, hold her still”

Kyall obeyed, he was sweating and this was not his best moment for sure, he felt terrified. He made sure that Atzwha was comfortable and held her shoulders, the midwife was under her gown again, doing something which made her scream. At first nothing happened, then there was a gushing sound and the blankets became very wet. Kyall cringed, there was a very pungent smell there all of a sudden, and it wasn’t very nice, it smelled of something sick or just wrong. Ewha swore under her breath and Atzwha was panting with pain, her face contracting and she was slick with sweat. Kyall leaned forth, the liquid hadn’t been clear, it had a nasty yellowish pale green colour and he bit his lower lip. Ewha sent him a very stern gaze, it was a warning, do not say anything. She rearranged the instruments, kept herself busy and Kyall could feel Atzwha tensing up, again and again and each time it seemed to last longer. She was gasping and moaning and he wondered how on earth it could be that someone would put themselves through this out of their own free will. It was incomprehensible. He was no stranger to pain, he was rather used to it, but something like this? No way, he wouldn’t have lasted for more than a few moments.

Ewha clicked her tongue again, she reached inn underneath the gown yet again and Atzwha made some whimpering sounds, she was like a taut bow, shaking. “Still very little opening, you cannot push just yet”

Ewha smiled at Kyall. “We will need more firewood, can you help me carry some inside?”

He nodded, he knew she was about to tell him something important. And that Atzwha wasn’t to hear about it. He followed Ewha outside and she turned around, her eyes held a hardness he hadn’t seen before. “Kyall, this will be about saving her, understand? The child has passed already, and it is not in the right position, If I cannot turn it you will need to go to the village and get my assistant”

Kyall felt faint, almost weak. “It is…gone?”

Ewha sighed and nodded. “Yes, it has been dead for a few days, something must have happened. This can occur you know, but we have to be fast now, and it will be terrible for her, in many ways”

Kyall bit his lower lip, he felt his head spinning, and he felt an overwhelming feeling of pity. “Oh gods, I…”

Ewha stared at him. “She will need you now, your strength, your confidence. Do not let your feelings control you, you have to do what is right, even if it hurts you both, Do you love her?”

Her voice was stern, she stared him straight in the eye and he took a deep breath, he knew the words were true when he spoke them. “Yes, I do”

She nodded sternly. “You are not the father of her child, and still you are willing to go through this for her, that speaks well of you. Good, we will try to find out what the situation is right now, something is wrong beside the baby being deceased, I have to find out exactly what”

She grasped some wood and he did too. Atzwha was laying on the bed, gasping for air and making whimpering sounds the whole time. She grasped his hand the moment he was back on the bed, desperately. Her grip was like a vice, he knew she would have crushed the bones in the hand of a mortal being. Ewha didn’t hesitate, she started touching the belly again and now she was using way more force, he realized that she was trying to figure out how the baby was laying and she made a grimace after a while. “It is breach, trying to be born with its rear end first. I will have to try and turn it around”

Atzwha was grey and her eyes were enormous, he could smell her pain and fear and he would have wept for her if he could. Atzwha let out a wail and she shuddered again, arching against him. Ewha stared at her with a very stern expression on her face. “Listen to me girl, I have to try to turn the babe around, and that will be very painful, but there is no other way. It cannot come out as it is now and you have rather narrow hips.”

Atzwha just nodded, the fear in her eyes made Kyall almost leave the room, he could barely stand it. Ewha laid one hand on the huge belly, then she obviously reached inside of Atzwha with the other. Atzwha shrieked, he had never imagined that anything even remotely human could create such a sound, it was beyond terrible. He gasped too, and Ewha sent him a swift and very hard glance. Atwha was writhing and he had to hold her, it was just horrific, but he knew he had to, the alternative was way worse. Ewha was struggling, using all her strength and it didn’t seem to be enough. She tried again and again and Atzwha was just wailing, thin desperate sounds which cut him worse than any blade ever could.

Ewha straightened herself up, she tilted her head. “There is one more method, I will see if that works.”

She nodded at Kyall, “Now it is very important that you don’t allow her to break free.”

She grasped Atzwha by the shoulder. “Alright dear, get up on your knees, put your arms around his neck, follow my instructions”

Kyall couldn’t believe it, the midwife asked this of Atzwha when she was clearly suffering? It was not like anything he had ever imagined and he had to swallow his own horror and help her get into position. Ewha nodded at them. “Now, rock her back and forth, up and down, it may help change the position”

He did as he was told, her body was slick with sweat and he had to struggle for she was trying to fight him, she had gone absolutely mad with pain and Ewha was still reaching inside of her. It had to hurt horribly and he tried to whisper calming words to her, she didn’t listen at all. Ewha was pushing at her and he was trying to swing her back and forth as he had been told to do, Atzwha was screaming and Ewha was swearing, it was obvious that this didn’t truly help. She got back up, her face drawn. “It has changed, but not enough. Kyall, you have to go get my assistant, I need an extra pair of skilled hands here”

He hesitated, the idea of leaving her now in such a state was horrible. Ewha grasped his arm, her low voice. “Remember, it is about saving her now”

He nodded and got his clothes on, put on boots and a coat and tried to ignore Atzwha’s laboured breath and the odd smell in the room. He felt nauseous and he ran to the stable and saddled Zharykk. He rode hard, the huge stallion was capable of reaching the village very fast and he found the house Ewha had described to him, the assistant was a younger woman with a wife’s hood on her head and a ruddy round face. She looked very calm and collected, Ewha had probably warned her that she would be called upon if it came to it. She didn’t have a horse so Kyall lifted her onto the stallion and they took off. He kept praying as he rode, it was among the worst situations he had ever been in. They returned to the cabin and the assistant who had presented herself as Aida ran inside. Kyall had to take care of the horse before he entered and he saw that Atzwha seemed to be more or less delirious by now. His heart sank and he grasped onto her hand, she looked at him with desperation but she didn’t manage to say anything. He just kissed her hand, feeling extremely sad and confused. “I know, I know my dear, I…”

He couldn’t say the words and she moaned, eyes closed, body twitching with another hard contraction. “Kyall…don’t leave me”

He shook his head. “Never”

Ewha sighed and petted him on the top of his head. “You are a very honourable male you know, and brave. Men usually pass out at this stage”

She waved the assistant over. “We have to act now, and pray that it isn’t already too late. So now handsome, it is time for you to leave the room”

Kyall frowned. “No, I will not leave her, even for a few minutes”

Ewha stared at him, her gaze shot daggers. “You must, this is for women alone, I do not want to take care of both a woman with a potentially life threatening complication and a hysterical male at the same time. So out you go, I will call you back”

He hesitated still, torn between his respect for this very stern woman and his fear and love, finally the authority of Ewha won and he kissed Atzwha on the forehead one last time, praying it wasn’t the last time he saw her alive. He hurried outside, knowing that if he stayed even one minute more he wouldn’t be able to leave her at all. He went to the stable and sat down, trying to think of everything else than what was happening. The child was dead, that brought tears to his eyes, and he knew that he would be mourning for quite a while, The little one had never had the chance to meet this world, never had the chance to laugh and live and love and that was a tragedy. Elves are very unfamiliar with the idea of losing a child, and even if this little one had never been his it affected his feelings a lot. It was horrible and if Atzwha didn’t make it…he couldn’t even bare the idea, she had shared so much with him and the idea of life without her was simply not conceivable.

He startled when he heard her scream, it was a horrible scream, raw and filled with an agony he couldn’t even imagine, he put his hands against his ears, tears flowing down his cheeks, body shaking with emotion. Each scream cut into him, tore at his heart and brought him close to desperation. Nobody could survive something like that? What were they doing to her in there? He knew that midwives and doctors sometimes cut the woman open to save the baby but then the mother would die and this baby was already dead, there was no point in that. He sat there, trying to hum, trying to stop himself from breaking down, weeping like a kid.

It took forever, or at least it felt like that, the moon was up and the horses were acting up too, scared by the sounds. When silence fell he felt his legs turning into jelly, and he was sweaty and shaky too. He waited, heart hammering, mouth dry and his mind reeling with the possibilities. There was a voice coming from outside and he got up, left the barn. It was the assistant, she held something wrapped in cloth, it was bloody and he couldn’t make a sound, his shock and his sorrow too great. “She was right, it was a boy, and he was dark like her but his hair was light.”

He didn’t know if his vocal cords would work but he managed to croak forth a few words. “Why…why did he die?”

She sighed and looked down. “The umbilical cord had been twisted and squeezed, cut off the blood supply”

He closed his eyes, swallowing a sob and she touched his arm gently. “Go inside now, she needs you, more than ever”

Kyall could only nod, he felt numb, as if he was walking through some bizarre dream where nothing was real. The room was rather dark now and he could smell blood, it made his senses reel. Atzwha was laying down, looking grey still and very weak. She could barely turn her head and tears were streaming down her face. He went over, got down onto his knees and took her hand, held it with a desperate hope that this hadn’t completely broken her. Ewha sighed, she was removing her equipment and she was pale too. “She will probably live, you elves are tougher than us mere mortals, but she has been damaged, and she is very weak, she will need a long rest”

Atzwha gasped and her eyes were so very dark, he didn’t know what to do, or what to say. Ewha placed a hand on his shoulder, she sent him a faint smile. “My assistant has taken the body away, Atzwha haven’t seen it, we didn’t deem that wise. We had to…”

She looked down, “I will leave it to you to find out, and I will leave it to you to make a grave, I am old and the soil is hard now. “

He took a deep breath. “What can I do, for her?”

Ewha sent him a sad smile. “Be there for her, she will mourn, she will be in pain, pain both of the body and the soul. You are a warrior but now you also have to be a healer”

He looked down, feeling a need to cry, to just let loose and let it all out. Ewha patted him on his shoulder once more, looking him straight in the eye. “More than anything else she needs to feel loved, be her cliff, and do not let her fall”

He tried to smile. “How am I to care for her practically? She has been hurt badly hasn’t she?”

Ewha sighed again, her eyes distant. “Yes, she has lost much blood, and she has tears as well, we have stitched them so she should return to normal but it will take time, I guess you elves heal faster and better than us humans”

He nodded and caressed the hand he was still holding onto. “Yes, that is correct, we do”

Ewha got over to the hearth. “That is good, she will need a lot of food now, rich and nutritious.”

He swallowed hard and Ewha put her things into her bag. “I will return here each day for the next weeks, she needs to be taken care of, so we avoid an infection”

He could only nod vaguely, she was breathing but her body seemed almost limp, as if she had absolutely no strength left. Ewha laid a hand on her shoulder, her expression gentle. “I am so sorry dear, I wish there would have been anything we could do but there wasn’t. It was not your fault at all, nothing you did or didn’t do. Fate can be cruel at times, and in special to us women”

Atzwha just nodded, slowly. Ewha had already changed the bed and given Atzwha a clean gown, she tilted her head. “In a few days you will be able to go to the village, and have a bath. I have washed you but you will use weeks cleansing yourself, and you will be sore and stiff too”

Atzwha gasped for air. “I want to see him”

Ewha shook her head, her gentle eyes got stern yet again. “No pretty one, you do not want to see him, better you don’t have any memories of him, it will make it easier to recover”

Atzwha sobbed. “Recover, how will I recover from something like this? It is impossible.”

Ewha took a deep breath. “Listen, I have helped welcome more than a hundred souls into this world, and among them at least twenty were dead or dying as they were born, and the mothers recovered. Yes, you will always carry the grief with you in your heart but it will soften with time, become something you can endure. Do not allow this to ruin your future, you are stronger than you think”

Atzwha didn’t answer and Kyall bit his lower lip. “I know that these things happen a lot to mortals, but to us elves it is devastating, since it is so rare”

Ewha sighed deeply. “And thus you are blessed above all others, like I said, be her cliff now.”

She grasped her cloak and her things and Kyall had to leave Atzwha for to drive the midwife back to the village, the assistant would stay until the morning in case something happened, she would sleep on the floor.

He was quiet when he let the horse find its way through the snow, Ewha turned her head and stared at him. “In all this do not forget your own grief, I know how you feel about her”

Kyall swallowed hard. “I pity her, so so very much, and I am angry, angry at fate for this blow to her and angry at the male who left her like this, when she should have been supported and worshipped.”

Ewha made a grimace. “I guess that this is a thing special for you elves, that you do not abandon your loved ones no matter what.”

Kyall nodded. “No elven male would do what this idiot did, she was to give him the greatest gift imaginable and he just left, it is incomprehensible.”

She shrugged. “There are bound to be a bad apple in every barrel, remember that. If he has tried to do this again to someone else there are bound to be someone who knows the truth, and remember, karma is a wonderful thing”

He had to grin at her, if karma didn’t get to work rather fast he sure as hell would. Dhaolan would not be allowed to escape this unscathed.

He delivered the midwife in the village and knew that the news would spread like wildfire, when he returned Atzwha was asleep, she was exhausted and the assistant had made her drink something which dampened the pain and made it easier to go to sleep. The next days became a strange blur, a feeling of nothing being truly real fell over him. He dug a grave, he broke two shovels doing it but in the end it was done and he buried the child without saying anything to Atzwha. He didn’t really want to, but he checked the body, they had somehow dismembered it, he cringed at the sight but realized that it had been no other way to remove it from her body without her dying.

He would sit with her, just holding her as she wept and raged and grieved. He felt grief too, but most of all he felt a deep soul wrenching pity, for she suffered. The midwife was there each day, made sure she healed as well as she could and she turned out to be healing well. Her body would slowly return to what it had been and he was very dedicated to his task. He made her lots of food, he managed to get the best most tender meat and she ate, but it was very obvious that something had changed within her. The villagers were not the type of people who showed emotions a lot but they understood her and they would leave small gifts at the bathhouse, to show their compassion.

She was more quiet than before and when she spoke it was with little joy and her voice tended to be oddly flat. He knew that such grief was unnatural for one of their kin, for how often did really something like that happen? He couldn’t remember ever having heard of someone he knew losing a child like that and of course that would add to the misery. Ewha had told her not to blame herself but he knew she did, she wouldn’t speak of it but she was not very good at hiding her emotions from him. He tried to let her rest within his calmness, to support her and if he ever became frustrated he didn’t let her know. She would throw tantrums and shriek at him, then she became melancholic and sad again and he wondered if she would ever become who she had been, the flame he so associated with her was gone, reduced to a faintly glowing ember, barely alive.

But she recovered, he had a feeling that she had more grit than anyone could have guessed, she was stubborn and she didn’t want to let Dhaolan sort of win. She had lost the child but she hadn’t lost her self respect, and slowly she started to get out of the pit of grief she had fallen into. She insisted that they find the bastard and punish him as soon as summer returned and Kyall agreed. If he had done this to her, and planned on doing it to someone else, that someone else deserved to learn the truth, however painful it may be.

Ewha didn’t need to check on her anymore and Kyall made sure that the old woman received a very generous payment for her services, she deserved it. She had often sat there speaking to Atzwha and she was the reason Atzwha sort of recovered also mentally. He tried to help in every way that he could, but he wasn’t a woman, he had never experienced what she had gone through and he couldn’t imagine what it was like. Slowly she returned to her old self, being more vigorous, making plans. She would take her mare for rides and one day in early spring she suddenly decided that she had healed enough and wanted him once more. He had been sleeping next to her now for months, not being allowed to touch her and not really wanting to, since he wasn’t sure if she was ready for it. He had to ask if she truly was ready and wanted this before doing anything at all but she was impatient and it became a rather wild night, as if she wanted to forget everything which had come before, put it behind her behind a wall of new memories.

The day they were to leave the cabin and travel south they stood by the grave again, he had made a headstone, it wasn’t much but a small marker. She blamed herself yet again but he reassured her, it wasn’t her fault at all, and they would find Dhaolan and let him know exactly what he had done to her. Kyall felt relieved, she would smile and joke but she hadn’t laughed even once since that fateful day. The journey was long and Kyall found that he liked to travel yet again, staying in the same place over time had become stifling in the end and he hadn’t visited this area before. The city in which Dhaolan supposedly had settled lay not far from the coast and they reached their destination when summer was at its height, it was warm and pleasant and they found that the city was a very nice place, it was well off since the locals made very good wine and also wove flax and silk and Kyall was impressed by what he saw. Atzwha on the other hand had become more like a thundercloud as they got closer to their quarry, her anger had returned with full force and he was a bit afraid she would go too far.

Finding one man in a city this large was not very easy, they visited taverns and inns and after a couple of days they realized that yes, Dhaolan had been there, and no, nobody knew where he was at the moment. It turned out that the only one who may know something was the mayor of the town, a rather gentle looking man with a certain dignity and an air of friendly interest to him. Apparently Dhaolan had sold the mayor a horse and the two sought the man out. They found him on the town square and told him why they were seeking the half elf. The mayor looked very shocked, then he made them sit down by a fountain on the square and he stared at them, eyes going back and forth. Atzwha got nervous, she tensed up and Kyall saw it, he put a hand on her shoulder. “Easy there dear, let the man explain why he looks so odd”

The mayor took a deep breath, then he leaned back in the chair and shrugged. “I reckon that you want to punish the man?”

Kyall nodded, he tried to stay calm but his voice probably revealed his anger. “Yes, what he did to Atzwha here is a disgrace, and if we can stop him from hurting anyone else that is our goal”

The mayor raised an eyebrow. “Let me put it this way, the gods have already punished him. He sold me a lame horse, he has been found with women of a very questionable repute and well, the thing you are telling me about his plans…”

Atzwha frowned. “Yes?”

The mayor bit his lower lip. “Turns out she was very smart, too smart in fact. She had seen through him and there was no way she would want to marry someone of such a lowly birth. But he looked like the man she in secret already had married, a man whom she loved but also a man who couldn’t give her children, he had been injured as a lad.”

Atzwha was gaping. “Are you serious?”

The mayor nodded sternly. “Aye, I am, so she tossed him away like a used rag the moment she knew she was knocked up. “

Kyall could barely believe what he heard, Dhaolan’s own tactics used against him, as Ewha had said, karma can be a wonderful thing.

The mayor continued. “So he was back on the road again, trying to get rich. Too bad his method lead to his demise, a very nasty one by the way, I do not recommend it”

Atzwha was shaking slightly, her eyes wide and her expression one of disbelief. “What happened?”

The mayor sighed. “I suppose you have heard of the very special mushroom which grows in some grooves here near the coast? It is very rare and extremely precious, just a few of them can buy you a fortune”

Kyall nodded slowly, where was this heading? “Yes, it is a spice?”

The man grinned. “It is indeed, a very good one too, a teaspoon could cost you as much as a fine riding horse. But looking for them is very hard and only a few families are allowed to.”

Atzwha frowned. “Why?”

The mayor shrugged. “Because they know how to do it, without any risk. You see, you have to pick the mushroom at the very right moment, if you are just a few hours too late it will release a very powerful scent, of a sough in heat. And the spores it releases can cause hefty hallucinations and ultimately cause you to become paralyzed.”

Kyall tensed up. “Oh gods…”

The mayor nodded, a sort of schadenfreude in his eyes. “Oh yes, the idiot tried to find the mushrooms on his own, on someone else’s land, without permission and without trying to learn anything about the methods beforehand. If he hadn’t found any things would have been good, as it was he did in fact find quite a lot but they were just a bit too ripe”

Atzwha had grown quiet, she was staring at the mayor as if he was a ghost. “Do not tell me that…”

The man shrugged again, leaning his staff against his shoulder. “He inhaled spores, and got covered with the scent. There are plenty of wild boar in the area, the reason why it is a dangerous thing to go hunting for. Let us just say that the boar found him before anyone else did, and one person cannot fight off a whole pack of boar, not while being intoxicated on spores”

Kyall sighed, he didn’t know if he should feel relieved or not. “So he is dead?”

The man smiled. “As dead as dead can be, the boar had more or less torn him to shreds, wasn’t much left to bury.”

Atzwha chuckled and Kyall had to turn his head and stare at her, in slight shock, Then she started to laugh, she laughed and had to hold herself, almost howling with mirth. It was wonderful to see her laughing again, even though the reason was a bit dark. But fitting , very well fitting. It was an appropriate end for a man so consumed with wealth and status he just left the woman he had just made with child.

In the end she sat there with tears running down her face from having laughed so much and Kyall had to chuckle too. The mayor got back up on his feet. “So now you know that the man you seek is long gone, and good riddance”

He bowed and bid them a good day before he walked on and Atzwha was gasping still, her eyes sparkling and it was as if a heavy cloak suddenly had been lifted off of her, the anger was gone, only a certain sorrow remained and that can in itself become something precious, a valuable memory. “Know what Kyall? Now we are going to that tavern back by the gates, I am going to get royally drunk and then we will rent a room and have some real fun. And do not even think about protesting”

He had to grin widely, there she was again, his wild and fierce and free Atzwha, he just nodded and leaned over, kissed her cheek and didn’t care that people were staring at them. They could stare until their eyes popped out for all that he cared, old dreams could be replaced by new ones, better ones even. And he would be the one to present them to her, one by one, for as long as she still wanted him by her side, that was a promise and not one he ever would want to break.