AS LONG AS YOU’RE BREATHING
UNTIL YOU COULD STAY — BOOK THREE
CHAPTER 1 — AS LONG AS YOU’RE BREATHING
CASSIA
I’d thought closing my eyes would make everything easier.
How stupid of me.
As if the things I couldn’t see couldn’t hurt me.
I stood in the doorway, eyes squeezed shut, hands trembling at my sides.
I was trying to erase the image I’d just seen from my mind.
Charles.
And that woman.
The woman standing so close to him, her hand resting on his shoulder.
I could still hear the sounds from inside the room.
Charles’s strained breathing.
The things she’d been saying to him.
The time they’d spent together.
And everything I didn’t know.
Maybe I was afraid that if I opened my eyes again, I’d see that expression on Charles’s face.
Maybe I couldn’t bear to hear him tell me again that he didn’t want me.
“Cassia?”
It was Charles’s voice.
I didn’t open my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I… I came at the wrong time.”
“What?”
“I’m leaving.”
I tried to turn around.
“Cassia, wait.”
His voice still made my heart ache.
Even after everything.
“Please,” I said. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Open your eyes.”
I shook my head.
“No.”
“Cassia.”
“Charles, please!”
The room fell silent.
Then the woman spoke.
“Wait a minute. What’s going on here?”
I heard footsteps.
“Cassia, right? I’m Emily. Charles’s physical therapist.”
My eyes flew open.
“Wait… What?”
Emily raised her eyebrows.
“His physical therapist.”
I looked at her.
Then at Charles.
He was sitting in his wheelchair, wearing nothing but sweatpants. His chest was bare, and sweat beaded on his forehead.
I turned back to Emily.
“You’re… his physical therapist?”
“Yes.”
“But… I… you two…”
Emily tilted her head.
“We two what?”
My face began to burn.
“I thought you were… I mean… together.”
Silence.
Long.
Horrifying.
Emily blinked.
Then suddenly burst out laughing.
“WHAT?”
I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me.
“I heard noises coming from inside,” I mumbled. “Charles breathing like that… The things you were saying to him… And then when I opened the door…”
Emily covered her mouth.
“Oh, my God.”
“And you were fully dressed, but Charles wasn’t wearing a shirt…”
Emily doubled over.
“No! No, no, no!”
Charles closed his eyes.
“Emily.”
“Hold on!”
She was laughing so hard she could barely speak.
“Cassia, sweetheart, I’m into women. I have a girlfriend!”
I blinked.
“What?”
“Yes! And believe me, I’d rather spend the rest of my life planning this man’s exercise routines than have a romantic relationship with him.”
“Emily,” Charles said sharply.
“You be quiet!”
Emily planted her hands on her hips.
“We’re trying to get this man back on his feet. Trust me, that’s already a difficult enough job. I have absolutely no intention of adding another problem to my life.”
I glanced at Charles.
He still wasn’t looking at me.
And that was when I noticed something.
Emily was laughing.
I was dying of embarrassment.
But Charles…
Charles hadn’t tried to explain anything.
Emily’s laughter slowly faded.
She looked at me.
Then at Charles.
Her expression changed.
“Wait a minute.”
Charles clenched his jaw.
“Emily.”
“No.”
She stepped closer.
“Don’t tell me this was your idea.”
Charles remained silent.
Emily’s eyes widened.
“Charles.”
“This has nothing to do with you.”
“Nothing to do with me?”
Emily placed a hand against her chest.
“I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!”
Charles leaned his head back.
“I know.”
“YOU KNOW?”
I flinched and stepped back.
Emily pointed a finger at him.
“And you let this poor girl believe something was going on between us?”
Charles looked away.
Emily’s mouth fell open.
“I don’t believe this.”
Neither did I.
But I was beginning to understand why.
Why Charles had pushed me away.
Why he’d been so cold.
Why he’d told me he didn’t love me anymore.
Why he’d built an invisible wall between us every time I tried to get close.
“You…” I whispered.
Charles didn’t look at me.
“Cassia, you should leave.”
Something broke inside my chest.
But this time, it wasn’t heartbreak.
It was anger.
“Are you an idiot?”
Emily’s eyebrows shot up.
Charles finally looked at me.
“What?”
“ARE YOU AN IDIOT?”
“Cassia—”
“No! Answer me!”
Emily slowly stepped back.
“I think I’ll just…”
“No,” I said. “You stay. Because this man needs a witness.”
Emily pressed her lips together.
She was trying not to laugh.
Charles, on the other hand, didn’t look remotely amused.
“Lower your voice.”
“No!”
“Cassia.”
“Were you trying to make me believe you were with another woman?”
Silence.
“Look at me.”
Charles turned his head away.
“Charles!”
“YES!”
The word echoed through the room.
We both fell silent.
Charles took a deep breath.
“Yes,” he said more quietly. “I wanted you to think that.”
It felt as though someone had punched me in the chest.
“Why?”
“Because I want you to leave.”
“That’s a lie.”
“Cassia—”
“You’re lying.”
Charles placed his hands on his wheelchair’s wheels.
“I’m not the man you used to know.”
I stared at him.
“What?”
“Look at me.”
“I am looking at you.”
“No. Really look at me.”
His fingers tightened around the wheels.
“I can’t walk, Cassia.”
The pain in his voice silenced my anger for a moment.
“Sometimes I need help just getting out of bed. Showering, getting dressed, transferring into my wheelchair… Things I never used to think about are things I have to plan now.”
“Charles…”
“Some mornings, even sitting up on my own is difficult. Sometimes I can do an exercise one day and can’t manage it the next.”
He swallowed.
“And the doctors don’t know if I’ll ever walk again.”
He was silent for a moment.
Then he looked at me.
“You have a life. Your research. Your dreams. A future.”
“Our future.”
“I CAN’T BE YOUR FUTURE!”
He shouted so loudly that even Emily flinched.
Charles closed his eyes.
Then he spoke again, much more quietly.
“I don’t want to ruin your life.”
For a moment, I couldn’t speak.
Because that was when I understood.
Charles hadn’t stopped loving me.
He’d stopped believing he deserved love.
I slowly approached him.
“Are you finished?”
He opened his eyes.
“What?”
“Your self-pity speech. Are you finished?”
“Cassia.”
“Because now I have a few things to say.”
I knelt in front of him.
Charles immediately straightened.
“Get up off the floor.”
“No.”
“Cassia, your knees—”
“Charles, I swear, if you tell me what to do one more time, I’ll push you and that wheelchair all the way down the hallway.”
Emily coughed behind us.
It sounded suspiciously like a laugh.
Charles fell silent.
I took his hands.
His fingers were as warm as I remembered.
“Do you know why I fell in love with you?”
He didn’t answer.
“Because you made me laugh. Because you listened to my ridiculous scientific ramblings. Because you pretended to understand them even when you had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.”
His lips twitched slightly.
“It was usually about bacteria.”
“Yes, Charles. It was usually about bacteria.”
My eyes filled with tears.
“Because you believed in me. Even when I couldn’t believe in myself.”
I shook my head.
“When you disappeared, I prayed every single day that you were still alive.”
Charles’s expression changed.
“Every day,” I repeated.
“Cassia…”
“Do you know that at one point, I thought I’d forgotten what you smelled like?”
My voice broke.
“I kept your shirt. I reread your messages on my phone. I watched our old videos over and over because I was terrified I’d forget the sound of your voice.”
Charles’s eyes filled with tears.
“Sometimes, at night, I imagined my phone would ring, that it would be you. That you’d make another ridiculous joke and then come home as if nothing had happened…”
I pressed my lips together.
“But the phone never rang.”
Charles’s fingers trembled in mine.
“And now you’re here.”
I held his hands tighter.
“Right in front of me. You’re talking. You’re arguing with me. You’re still the most stubborn man in the world.”
A tear slipped down my cheek.
“And you’re telling me I should leave because you can’t walk.”
Charles closed his eyes.
“I don’t want to sentence you to a life like this.”
“THIS ISN’T A SENTENCE!”
My voice shook.
“I’m choosing you.”
“You don’t know how difficult this is going to be.”
“I don’t,” I said. “You’re right.”
Charles looked at me.
“Some days are going to be incredibly hard. Sometimes we’ll both be exhausted. Sometimes we won’t know what to do.”
I took a deep breath.
“But we can learn.”
I leaned closer.
“Together.”
Charles held his breath.
“What if I never walk again?”
“Then you won’t.”
His eyes opened.
I shrugged.
“And what if you do?”
He didn’t answer.
“Charles, we don’t know any of those things.”
I gently brought his hand to his chest.
His heart was beating.
Strong.
Real.
“But I know this.”
He looked at me.
“Your heart is beating.”
Another tear fell.
“You’re breathing.”
My lips trembled.
“That’s enough for me.”
Charles’s face crumpled.
He lowered his head.
And for the first time, he couldn’t hide his tears.
His shoulders shook slightly.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him.
But when I moved closer, he pulled back a little.
“Cassia…”
I stopped.
He was still afraid.
Not of me.
Of becoming a burden to me.
And perhaps, more than anything…
That one day, I might want to leave too.
Emily quietly approached us.
“Charles,” she said gently, “let’s call it a day with the exercises.”
Charles wiped his face.
“We’re not finished yet.”
“I know.”
Emily looked at me.
“And I think the two of you have a lot to talk about.”
I stood up.
I looked at Charles one last time.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Cassia…”
“No. This time, you listen to me.”
I wiped my eyes.
“You can tell me you don’t love me. You can yell at me. You can tell me you’re afraid.”
I took a deep breath.
“But you don’t get to make my decisions for me.”
Charles remained silent.
Emily began gathering the exercise equipment.
I headed toward the door.
Then I heard Charles’s voice behind me.
“Cassia?”
I stopped.
“Yes?”
There was a long silence.
Then he spoke so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.
“Are you really going to stay?”
I closed my eyes.
Once, I’d begged for this man to come home.
Now he was asking me to stay.
I turned around.
“Charles.”
“Yes?”
“I’m not finished with you yet.”
He frowned.
“Is that a threat?”
I sniffled.
“Absolutely.”
Emily burst out laughing.
Charles looked at me.
And the smallest smile appeared at the corner of his mouth.
That smile.
The smile I’d missed for months.
My heart ached again.
But this time, with hope.
Because Charles was still here.
And I’d found him again.
Maybe tomorrow he’d be afraid again.
Maybe he’d try to push me away again.
Maybe hundreds of difficult days lay ahead of us that we couldn’t even imagine yet.
But this time, I knew one thing.
I wasn’t going to wait for him to walk again.
I wasn’t going to wait for him to become the man he used to be.
Because the man I loved wasn’t just the Charles from my past.
He was the man sitting right in front of me.
And I…
I had chosen him all over again.
END OF CHAPTER 1
