Flame

And there I was, nervous and a little terrified as I walked with the crowd of people coming off the plane. I clutched my carryon bag to my chest, feeling my cigarettes through the material, as I stared at the sign. My name was written across it in bold letters: HANSEL MORGENSTERN. It was held by strangers Susie and Robert Smith—my foster parents for the next eight months.

“Hi, Hansel?” the cheery woman asked, approaching me.

She was short and chunky with big, bleached hair. A powerful shot of perfume tickled my nose as she neared me. It was a sweet smell, but overpowering and dizzying. Her fried hair and leathery tanned skin showed her vanity. Adding in her cheap pantsuit made her out to be nothing more than a pathetically bored housewife.

Robert stalled for a moment, looking me up and down, and then took his place beside his wife. His height should’ve made me look up to him, but I didn’t raise my head; the middle-aged man intimidated me. I focused my eyes on the floor without paying much attention to his blue suit or the way his small, but protruding gut pushed at the buttons.

“Hansel?” Susie asked again.

I nodded and tightened my arms around my bag. What I’d give for a cigarette right now—or something stronger.

I cringed and stepped back as she came closer, barely stepping away in time to avoid her hug. I wasn’t fond of being touched. I glanced between her and the floor, forcing an uncomfortable smile.

“I’m so happy you could come stay with us,” she continued, unfazed by my reaction. “Cliff—uh, Riedel,” she corrected herself as Robert nudged her, “is a great guy for arranging all this and helping you.”

I grinded my teeth and said nothing. He was the only reason this happened. He was the devil.

“Anyway, I’m Susie and this is my husband, Robert.”

Typical American names.

“How do you do?” Robert asked, extending his hand to me.

I grimaced and shook it.

“Do…do you speak English, hun? I thought Riedel said you did…?” the woman asked.

“Yes,” I mumbled. “Well.”

“Right… Um, Robert, why don’t you help him with his bags so we can get out of here?”

Robert stepped toward me and reached for the bag on my shoulder. I shook my head and backed up. “I got it,” I said, keeping my voice soft and meek, and ducked out of his reach with a small flinch. No one would touch that bag but me.

He eyed me and shrugged before leading the way to the baggage claim to retrieve my other bags.

I shadowed my new guardians as they navigated through the airport and the parking garage. I remained as obedient as I could, silently following their every move in an attempt to showcase my proper behavior and dedication to change as if a good attitude would reduce the length of my sentence.

Robert became increasingly irritated and muttered a string of curses as he paid for the parking. I held my face toward the window, but allowed my eyes glance toward them, watching Susie rap his leg and nod toward me, encouraging him.

“How do you like America so far?” he asked once we were several minutes down the highway.

I turned my face toward them, noticing Robert’s balding horseshoe and Susie’s round eyes, eager for my answer as she twisted around in her seat to ogle me.

“It’s fine,” I mumbled. Half an hour was far from long enough to have any opinion.

I hated my parents with everything I had for forcing me do this. Prison might’ve been better afterall.

“Are you hungry? It was a long flight,” Susie said.

I shook my head, staring out the window. At least she was observant enough not to realize I was the one on that long flight.

“Don’t talk much?” Robert commented.

I shrugged. Like I had anything to say.

“Hm,” Susie hummed and turned back around.

‘Give it a chance,’ Mom had said. ‘We just want to help.’ Yeah, right. She just wanted to dump me off like a misbehaved dog.

They left me alone until we pulled into the driveway of their house.

“Well, here we are: home.”

I looked at the large, off-white house. It was two stories with several windows. All the curtains were drawn tight.

I climbed out of the car, stretching and sliding my small bag over my shoulder. My eyes wandered over the building before me. It was bland and boring with tended, but basic, landscaping: a bush here, a tree there, a couple small flowerbeds beneath the large front windows.

I went to the back of the car to get the rest of my luggage, and Robert stepped around to help. He grabbed one bag and reached for the other, but I got to it first, easily carrying it. He looked at me, surprised.

“You’re stronger than you look, Kid,” he commented, looking up and down my frail frame.

’Kid?’ Fuck me…

I rolled my eyes and smirked. I didn’t survive this long by being weak.

But I wasn’t strong either.

“We’ll take your things to your room and then I’ll give you a tour of the house, okay?” Susie offered, leading the way inside.

I hardly looked around as followed them through a large room, up a flight of stairs, down a hall, and finally to what was to be known as my bedroom, but I glanced through each area as we passed into the next. The house was elegantantly decorated and absolutely alienated me. Everything was in its own perfect place. Pictures were hung straight, figurines, trinkets, and glasses were polished and dusted. Even the floors were spotless, all of them being vacuumed and shampooed or mopped and waxed.

Is this a home or a museum? It doesn’t even look like people live here. The house was out of a magazine, a stock photo.

“Here we are. Riedel said you liked some of this stuff, so I thought we’d get you a little something to start off. We can paint the walls if you don’t like the colors.”

Susie opened the door to an upstairs bedroom. I looked around. The walls were a bleak, pastel blue with a few random posters of movies and bands I hated or had never heard of. There was a short, fat dresser against one wall with a vast stereo system placed on top and a few CD cases around it. The bed was comparable in size with black sheets on it.

At least the black will hide the blood.

“It’s fine,” I said, setting my suitcase down next to the dresser. Robert lifted the other bag high and dropped it on the bed, practically flexing his muscles in a display of male dominance. I turned away, submitting.

“Ready to see the rest of the house?” Susie asked. Even in her diminished height she seemed to tower over me.

I nodded, adjusting the bag on my shoulder again, and began to follow her, determined to show my good behavoir.

“Why don’t you leave that here?” Robert suggested reaching for my bag.

I flinched, stepping back, and looked down. I sighed and tightened my lips before leaving the bag on the bed. I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want to raise suspicion. I would eventually be alone with it.

They took me around the house, showing me the necessities. Robert stayed quiet, but Susie insisted dozens of times that I make myself at home and to feel free to use or eat anything. She continuously stopped to ask if we had certain appliances or tools or gadgets in Germany. Each time I answered with a simple yes or small nod without paying actual attention to the item in question.

I already hated my life more than I ever did with Riedel.

We ended in the kitchen where she nagged me about eating, insisting I was anorexic. “You look like you haven’t eaten in a month,” she argued and raised her hand to poke my stomach.

I pulled my jacket closed with my hands in the pockets, hoping to deter her. Robert grabbed her hand and led her back a step.

“I’m sure he eats fine.”

I nodded in agreement, surprised at the way he became my momentary savior.

“I’m tired. I think I will go sleep if that is alright.”

I was ready to go to my room and be alone. If I’m stuck here until my birthday, I might as well make friends with my room, because it’ll be my only one.

“Okay, Sweetie,” she answered, and I groaned.

Believe it or not, I do actually have a name.

“You’ll start school on Monday. Everything’s already arranged, so you’re all set to go. If you look in your closet, there are some clothes for you and a bag full of school supplies. I wasn’t sure what you needed, so there’s not too much, but we can always go shopping for more.”

I nodded as I turned away from them and nearly ran back upstairs. I felt them watching me as I went; their eyes burned holes in my back.

I dropped my duffel bag off the bed next to the other before going through the pockets of my small carryon. I found a rattling pill bottle, popped it open, and dry swallowed several, already feeling better just knowing they were inside me. I had to use them sparingly with no connections for more in America. After hiding the pills, I turned off the light, opened the window, and sat by it to smoke.

I debated on lighting another, but decided against it, knowing I had a limited supply. I went back to the bed, going through my bag again until I found my small, cheap, and stolen, MP3 player. I put in my earbuds and collapsed on the bed. Turning the volume up all the way, I drowned out the entire damned country, and soon fell asleep, dreaming of nothing.

In the morning I groaned as the sunlight stained my retinas through my eyelids. I rolled away from it, whining at the ache in my neck and head. The MP3 player had long died. I pulled out the earbuds and sat up, muttering curses to myself as I stretched my stiff body. I looked at the clock and rubbed my eyes, taking a double take. I slept thirteen hours. I never slept that long with only a few pills.

I took a moment to collect myself before standing and stretching. I grabbed a cigarette and a lighter and made my way downstairs, careful not to wake anyone.

I ventured on a small deck attached to the back of the Smith’s house just off the kitchen and lit up, watching the sunrise. It was so different here than at home. The entire atmosphere contrasted my image of a perfect morning. Ideally, I’d wake in the pink room, or at Wilhelm’s apartment, or even in my own basement bedroom still messed up from last night’s party. I’d wake up and keep partying with whoever was around.

Not here, though. Here, the world was sterile. Clean. Neat and tidy. Hospital sanitary and asylum white.

The yard was small and fenced in, blocked off to the outside world by a tall, dark privacy fence. The yard had even less personality than the house. Just…grass with one lonely small tree. There wasn’t a single rock or weed that I could see. The leaves on the solitary tree weren’t even yellowing yet from the changing weather. It was a flawless suburban yard for a perfect suburban house hiding a corrupt suburban family within. It was sublime.

I tugged on the sleeves of my jacket and hugged it closer to me, fighting off the morning chill as I looked back up to the sky, watching the sun infect the horizon. It was just past sunrise here; back home, I bet there was already a party going, and I was missing it to sit on this stupid deck in this stupid country on this stupid continent.

I angrily flicked my cigarette into the grass and tore myself from the chair to go inside.

Susie was in the kitchen, starting coffee. She jumped and squeaked as I came through the door. “Oh, goodness! I thought you were upstairs still. You scared me.” She took a couple deep breaths, holding her hand to her heart. “What were you doing out there anyway?”

I looked down and shrugged. “I woke up.”

“You shouldn’t—”

“The deck is dangerous,” Robert grunted, sitting down at the breakfast bar with yesterday’s newspaper. “Don’t ever go near it again.”

I cowered some and nodded.

Maybe that should’ve been part of the grand tour.

“Maybe if you’d go out there and fix it, it wouldn’t be so dangerous anymore. It’d be nice to have dinner out there sometime,” Susie chirped. “Especially now that we have a family.”

“I’ve told you before, I don’t have time to bother with it.”

“Then let me call someone to fix it.”

Robert slammed his newspaper down on the counter and glared at her. “I swear to god, woman, if anyone but me touches that deck, you’ll be sorry. I will fix that deck when I have the damned time to. I’m not wasting my money on a goddamn contractor.”

She nodded obediently, and he went back to his paper.

“You want some eggs?” Susie asked, her voice pitched, and forced a smile as she looked between me and her husband. She held up a frying pan and turned to the refrigerator.

“No.” I started for my room again.

She turned back to me with a frown. “Oh, Sweetie, you should eat; get a little meat on your bones.”

I stopped and looked at her for a second. I glanced at Robert. The tension between them had already dissipated, but I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

Even if I was hungry, there was no point in eating. I wanted to starve to death. Nothing said rock bottom like your parents shipping you half-way around the planet. There was no point in eating, because there was no point in living.

Robert watched me over his paper.

“Okay,” I whispered and took a seat at the bar again, keeping as much distance from him as I could.

She smiled and busied herself making eggs and toast.

Susie poured herself a cup of coffee. I perked up a little, watching her intensely. My watering mouth opened before intimidation and anxiety prevented me from asking.

“I can have some coffee?”

“Oh, of course!” She set her mug down and grabbed another for me. “Would you like cream or sugar?” she asked as she poured the coffee.

“No.”

“Here you are, Sweetie,” she smiled and set it on the counter in front of me.

After a moment plate of eggs and toast was also set in front of me as I cradled the mug in both hands. I ate few bites and mostly just pushed it around on the plate, hoping she’d think I ate more than I did. When I finished my coffee, I stood from the stool and thanked her before walking off toward my room again.

“Would you like to change before we go shopping?” she asked. “You’re wearing the same clothes you were yesterday, Dear.”

“Shopping?”

I hated shopping. There was no way I wanted to go shopping with her.

“Well, yeah, you could use a few more things. We can get you clothes, things for school, stuff for your room.”

“You do not need to do that,” I politely said, shaking my head a bit. “I have plenty.”

I wouldn’t even go shopping with my real parents. Why would I go with these wannabes? This wasn’t a real family and never would be. I wanted to yell at her, tell her to stop pretending. I wasn’t her son. I was nothing to them but a mirage.

“I want to,” she insisted.

“I am still quite tired,” I lied.

“Then why don’t you get some more sleep and we’ll go later? It’s still pretty early anyway. I doubt many stores are open yet.” She smiled and I nodded, escaping back upstairs.

I sat on my bed, looking around and thinking of how severely I fucked up my life. My family didn’t even want me anymore; they didn’t know what to do with me. I pulled my bag into my lap and went through it. I was amazed at what I got through the airports with.

I pushed it onto the bed and stood at the window, leaning my head against the glass and looking out. A week ago I was stoned, bleeding, and couldn’t even walk. I suppose this was better than that, in some form anyhow. At least I got away from Him. Not like I would’ve been alive much longer with Him.

I lost my parents, my friends, my connections, my Anne, but at least I got away from Him. Things could be better if I let it. Maybe I wouldn’t constantly want to die here. Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie all the time anymore. Maybe I could actually allow myself to start remembering my life again. Maybe I could actually like my life again… Yes, without Him, things could be better. They were trying, so shouldn’t I? I had to stop sabotaging my life.

I jumped as someone knocked on the door. Robert didn’t give me a chance to answer before coming in and shutting the door behind him. “Go shopping with her,” he said, crossing the room toward me.

I was wary and side-stepped, making sure I could get to the door. Just in case.

“I know you don’t like us much and this whole thing is very upsetting for you. You and I both know this isn’t real, but she needs it. Make her happy.”

I tensed as he put his hand on my little bag and nonchalantly nosed through it.

“You’re here for a reason, Hansel. We’re supposed to whip you into shape, right? To make you realize you’re not the only one that matters. You hurt your parents, destroyed your family, and forced a very good friend of mine to use all his resources in a useless attempt to help you become a decent human being.”

I panicked as he found my pack of cigarettes. He took one before dropping the rest to the bed. He played with it for a second and then lit it.

“The least you could do, you selfish, little, drug-addicted, alcoholic bastard, is make her happy.”

My entire body went rigid with fright as I waited for him to advance.

Just when I thought things might be better…

“Get dressed. Be downstairs in five minutes. You better give her a great fucking day or you can forget about ever getting more of these,” he barked, flicking his cigarette at me, and left.

I collapsed with a whimper and almost fell to the floor. Muttering a curse I dug out my pills again. I sat on the edge of the bed, barely able to smoke from shaking. Only one other person ever scared me that much.

After a few drags and a few pills, I was calm enough to change clothes. I set my duffel bags on the bed and opened them. My parents had packed these bags. I grabbed a handful of clothing and buried my face in them. Mom had washed them before packing. I expected to smell Wilhelm or his house, but instead, I smelled Anne. I missed her most of all. And, somehow, I knew I’d never see her again.

I pulled on tight black jeans and a fitted black shirt with German writing on it. I rubbed my eyes and checked myself in the mirror beside the dresser. I grabbed a few other items from my small bag and finished getting ready in front of the mirror, lining my eyes and lips, before going back downstairs.

“Oh, are you ready now?” Susie asked, surprised.

She put her hand over her mouth, suppressing a giggle as she saw me. I knew what she was thinking: Makeup is for girls.

“I do not have money,” I mumbled, shuffling my shoe against the carpet.

“That’s fine. I didn’t expect you to, Sweetie.” I cringed.

Hansel. My name is Hansel!

“Hansel,” I whispered, correcting her, hoping she’d get the hint.

“You two have fun,” Robert said, kissing her on the cheek before turning to me. “Don’t get into any trouble,” he warned.

I nodded quick and followed Susie outside, crossing my arms over my chest.

“I thought you were tired?” she asked, trying to dig her keys out of her cluttered purse.

“I—”

“Watch out!” a blonde boy from the street called as a fat newspaper flew toward us.

I watched him as he rode by on a skateboard. We locked eyes for a moment, and then I quickly looked away and turned my back to him, feeling his eyes on me.

“Damn hooligans,” Susie complained and finally unlocked the car, letting us in. “Now what were you saying?”

After the boy passed by on his skateboard, I turned toward him again. Perplexed and mesmerized, I studied him. How did he see me? I was invisible.

“I forgot I drank coffee,” I mindlessly said, looking out the window at the heavy Sunday papers flying across yards by the hand of some stupid, reckless boy.

Like I wasn’t reckless.