Chapter 1
It's the end of the week again. It's always the end of the week. I can't remember the last time I found myself in the middle of the week. Only sometimes at the beginning. I wave goodbye to my colleagues leaving the office as I prepare to leave myself. Keys, wallet, headphones, laptop, and mints. Perfect. I always double check my drawers and my pockets to make sure I haven't forgotten something, and sometimes because I feel awkward having to say goodbye to the middle aged man who works at the desk facing me who never says a word besides good morning, and goodbye. And I have to always say it first. He's very strange, the type of man you can't figure out no matter how long you sit at your desk going over it again and again in your head. After checking my drawers three times before it becomes painfully obvious that I'm being awkward stalling for time I tell him good evening and head towards the exit by the elevators. He says it back in the same tone as always. Despite my awkwardness, I do find a certain type of peace in his lack of ability to communicate. It means I also don't have to use much energy every single day with the person sitting closest to me and I can be left to my own devices without any forced expectations of socializing. I guess we could actually be more similar than I think.
I exit the elevator on the ground floor. The fancy restaurant is already full with all the workers from all the other floors. It is the end of the week. Everyone has switched work mode off, and now it's time for cured ham and cheese boards with a bottle of wine for the table or a pint of beer in their suits and dresses. Not that I necessarily think it's a sad existence. I do actually enjoy indulging in the small happiness I can get from the sense of relaxation and peace of mind that comes from Friday evening. In fact, I'm actually heading to one of my favorite local spots tonight right now. An Irish bar a short train ride from my office. I make my way towards the local station, every day you find yourself lost in the drowning crowds of rush hour. It's been 2 years since I moved to Tokyo, and I'm still not used to it. But I do enjoy how the chaos of Tokyo helps my mind wander at everything and everyone around me, keeping me occupied. There's a certain pleasure that comes from people watching in a city like Tokyo, I can't really explain it to my friends and family back home. It's the cathartic kind.
I don't get a seat on the train. I never have since I arrived, but that's fine, I don't mind standing. It makes me feel more relaxed and I just find it easier to get on the train and stand somewhere by the door. And besides, I usually only ever travel for a few minutes. The perk of companies here paying for your rent to live close to the office. A perk we don't have back home. Then again, I can't really remember any of the perks of living back home. Just the reasons why I left and moved to one of the biggest cities in the world where I can get lost and find myself. Learn to swim again, or drown.
I exit the train at the station the Irish bar is located. It's always hot down here, I don't think the AC units they have on wheels on the platform work. Or they're really old. I make my way towards the stairs queuing in an orderly manner about 14 people long to squeeze my way up 2 flights barely wide enough for 3 people per step. There's an order for everything here. Even public stairs. Finally I'm outside the stations underground. They really don't lie about the neon lights in Tokyo. It adds an electricity to the atmosphere, there's not many views as captivating as it. Especially on your first night here. It's euphoric. The lights hit your eyes from every direction and it's almost an impossible task during your first few nights to keep your eyes focused away from them.
I make my way down the pedestrian shopping street. Familiar with the route now as I'm somewhat of a regular at the Irish bar. I always wondered if people thought it a waste that I moved to Tokyo but still go to Irish bars. I do actually go to traditional Japanese bars with my colleagues sometimes, and I do enjoy Izakaya culture here in Japan. But there's a homely comfort in a good Irish bar and familiar company. I think home and Tokyo have that much in common when it comes to the social aspect of drinking. There's a sacred connection built over it for fellowship and respect.
The bar is not too busy yet. It's only 7pm. Most people here don't finish work until 8 or 9. I guess I'm lucky to have the certain privileges that come with being a foreigner working here. I greet the owner, Stefano, he's from Italy and moved here 28 years ago and opened this Irish bar. I'm glad that he did.
I take a seat at the bar counter and order my usual Guinness. I really wouldn't be lying if I said that it is the best Guinness in Tokyo, or one of them for sure. I have a personal game where I try Guiness in every bar that sells it and then rate it out of 10. As you can imagine, most of them aren't great. It's actually rather difficult to find a good Guinness when it's been imported. But this place somehow managed to keep the quality high. Though it's still nothing like the good stuff back home.
The Guiness has rested for 80 seconds and Stefano hands it to me. He looks good for his age. He's an older man but he is handsome and has a certain charm to him. Maybe that came with years of practice running your own bar, or maybe he's a natural. I ask him how he's been and he tells me that he took his daughter to a firework display at Sumida River recently with his ex wife. Stefano is divorced from the woman he moved to Tokyo for and opened the Irish bar with. But they still have some kind of mutual respect relationship, with a few bumpy instances from what I've seen at my nights at the bar.
I take my first sip of the Guinness, it's cold and crisp, it feels nice in the summer weather here. Even at night time it's hot and humid. When I was younger and first tried Guiness and a beer I was convinced that no one actually liked this stuff. It tasted absolutely disgusting to me at the time and I couldn't fathom why everyone sits around drinking the stuff looking so happy. But after a couple of years, I can appreciate the taste that comes with them now.
The night moves along and before I know it the bar has filled up and has a lively atmosphere. The type I enjoy, and enjoy a bit more after I've had a couple of sips of drink.
A woman has sat next to me now. She seems a similar age to me and is also in her work suit looking slightly relieved to have reached the end of the week. Her suit is black with thin white lines running down it, and she has black heeled shoes on, with a black leather satchel on the bag holder under the bar counter. Her hair is as black as her bag and is just above her shoulders. I think that style of hair is some kind of rites of passage or social expectation for women in Tokyo. As soon as they start working at a company they cut their hair short. Or maybe she just prefers shorter hair. She has ordered fish and chips and also a Guinness.
During a conversation with Stefano about how he might have to relocate the bar next year due to a development company buying the land and planning to build luxury condominiums here, me and the woman meet eyes and exchange a small greeting. She introduces herself as Haruka.
That's a nice name, I say, what's your family name? Japanese people often greet each other with their family name, so I find it polite to also ask. Suzuki Haruka, she says. Nice to meet you Haruka, my name is Conor. I raise my glass and give cheers, also followed by a kanpai. Haruka quickly follows up with a question. What brings you to Tokyo, are you here for work or do you live here? She asks me. I actually live here, unfortunately for Stefano, I say. Raising my glass to him and his smile, and also Haruka's which is surprising but pleasant. How long have you lived in Tokyo for? She asks me. I moved here about 2 years ago now, times felt really slow but fast at the same time since I arrived. Yeah, I know what you mean, Haruka says. I moved here 3 years ago from Ehime. Ehime is a prefecture in Japan on the island of Shikoku. It's south of Tokyo, rather far down. Oh, no way, I say. How come you decided to move to Tokyo? It's probably the same reason as everyone else, I think. Everyone always moves here because it's where most of the jobs are and the salary that comes with them in Japan. I moved here for a job after, she says. Correct. My hometown is really small and there's not much work there besides agriculture and factory work, Haruka says. So I moved to Tokyo after I graduated for my job. We actually are similar in age as I thought to myself earlier. Ahh, that makes complete sense now, I reply to her. My town back home in Ireland is actually the exact same. There isn't much there besides small town jobs. I left for university and I never really went back. I guess we have something in common then, I say with a friendly smile, to which she replies, I guess we do.
The night goes on and I stay sat at the bar with Haruka having more drinks. I bought us the next round but she insisted on buying the next, apparently she's always wanted to do rounds. Haruka's English is surprisingly really good for Japan, almost native. People here tend not to really have good English, and I'm still practicing my Japanese, so I say what I can when I have the chance, just like they try themselves. But my Japanese really isn't great. So here we are speaking the language of the colonizers.
You know, I studied abroad in Sweden for one year, Haruka says. Oh no way, that sounds really cool. What did you study over there? I reply to her. I studied biochemistry, she tells me, and now I work for a Japanese pharmaceutical company. Wow, I say, your job sounds a lot more interesting than mine. I'm glad you actually got to have a job where you enjoyed studying the same thing at university. No no, she replies to me, I actually got placed in sales at the company, she says loudly laughing. I return the laughter and enjoy the humour. How on earth did that happen? I say. My company likes to transfer us to different departments every couple of years to make us 'well rounded' she says, so here I am now working in sales. I laugh at her emphasis on well rounded. I've missed sarcastic humour a lot. It makes me feel at home. I raise my glass and say a cheers to being well rounded with her, she laughs and our glasses meet.
How do you find working in Tokyo? She asks me. The work culture must be really different and difficult, right? I actually work for a foreign company, I tell her, so I haven't really had the chance to experience the work culture difference to be honest. Ahh, you're lucky, she says to me. It's very different from the west, there's a lot of age hierarchy and respect, it can be difficult even for me sometimes and I'm Japanese, she says hysterically and we laugh. I'm familiar with what she's talking about. I have some friends who work 15 hours a day and have to do everything their boss or seniors tell them. Even outside of work and at work parties and events too, it is very different from what I know.
Do you ever plan to leave Japan? I ask Haruka. I think I will try to in the future, she says to me, but for now I'm just saving up and trying to get more experience before I do that. I hope you do, I say to her, it'd be a fun adventure for you and life experience, you'll love it, I'm sure. She laughs. So, why did you move to Japan and Tokyo? she asks me. It's been a couple of hours now since we started speaking so I feel comfortable around her. Hmmm, I say, that's actually a really long story and I only have about 2 sips of Guinness left. Looking at the glass in my hand and she enjoys my humour. Well, the night is still young and I have a lot of time, but also only about 2 sips left myself. Another round? I say. Another round, she replies enthusiastically.
Stefano hands us our drinks after they've settled again. I hand Haruka hers and then take mine. So, I say, where do I begin. The start would be a good idea, she replies to me. I can't really explain it but her humour brings me such comfort. I think since I arrived here I've always felt on the outside of everything still, but in the time we started speaking I've enjoyed the warm feeling of familiarity and warmth. Good advice, I reply to her. So, after I graduated university I ended up getting a job at a big company, I say, at first it was really great. I felt accomplished, I had that energy of being a fresh graduate and securing my first 'adult job' I say to her, with a sarcastic facial expression. I know exactly what you mean, she replies to me laughing. I was enjoying training and going into the office and feeling like part of society, I say, then I started working in my team actually doing the job and that was fine, but after almost 2 years I just found everything so daunting and boring. I was looking around the office at my seniors saying to myself that can't be me in 40 years. She laughs at me. And then every day just became such a chore and tiring. My job started getting stressful, my life repetitive, I didn't want that for myself so I decided I need to make a massive change in my life, I say. Haruka's paying attention to what I say carefully now, I can tell by her eyes. I never noticed before as I've been enjoying her company, but she is beautiful and this realization actually makes me feel nervous a little bit but I keep it hidden. So I applied for a job in Tokyo, despite never visiting here, I tell her, and then I somehow got the job and here I am, 2 years later. Cheers to that, she says to me. Cheers to that, I say. So are you happier now then? Haruka says. I think I am, yeah, I reply, not in full confidence in my own words, but enough to make her believe them. She smiles at me. I'm glad, she says. It sounds really sincere. And if I didn't do that, I wouldn't be here right now talking to you having a great night and conversation I say to her humorously. She smiles at me, no you wouldn't be, she says.
The night goes on and we carry on talking about many things. Her parents farm in Shikoku and how she visits every summer to help them out. How her younger sister got married this year at only 24. How she had a long distance relationship in Sweden after she studied there and how badly it ended. How she's struggling to save at the moment because the Japanese Yen is so weak and the economy isn't doing great. I don't really want to interrupt her or take the attention away from what she's talking about. I enjoy listening to her speak and what she has to say a lot and I'd stay in this seat until tomorrow morning having this conversation with her. She speaks so well and catches your attention when the words leave her mouth, and her personality is amazing.
Before we know it Stefano tells us it's the last order as the bar closes shortly. I ask Haruka if she wants another drink but she says she's fine finishing the one she has. I agree with her but it was polite to ask. We finish the last of our drinks still talking into the night. You know the government doesn't really help us young people here in Japan, she says to me, they've taken the approach of blaming foreigners for their failings of us and not bringing about any change. Everything is so expensive now and the wages haven't increased at all, she continues. I guess it's easier to point the finger at the foreigners that it's their fault for the current quality of life than take accountability, she says. I keep up to date with politics so I'm enjoying the conversation topic. I agree, I say to her, I've noticed there's been a big change in attitude from locals to foreigners here in just the past year. It's actually very similar to back home and what our government is doing, I say, I think it's the new wave of popular politics right now from the right wing. We continue talking about politics in Japan and The West before Stefano tells us it's time to leave unfortunately. Haruka and I both stand and pick our belongings up before pushing our chairs under the bar. So what shall we do now? Haruka says to me. I'm actually happy by her directness because I was going to ask her what she wanted to do next also. I'm not sure, I tell her, shall we try somewhere else or walk around? That sounds perfect, she replies to me.
We end up walking around the streets of Tokyo with a can of beer from the convenience store carrying on our conversation. I can't help but feel I'm not in real life right now as the night had been something beyond perfect. Usually I have a few drinks and talk to some friends I know then head home. I've actually felt kind of alone since I moved here at times, and this is the first time I've felt something different. Something different in a long time actually. We talk under the neon lights beaming at us and the hot summer air surrounding us. The downside of the moment is that we are both aware of our last trains home. Tokyo doesn't have 24/7 trains, and if you miss it you either have to stay out until the first train at 6am, or pay for a really expensive taxi. Haruka looks at me, I think our last trains are soon. Yeah, I say, I think we've got a couple of minutes. We both smile softly. I've really enjoyed tonight, I say to her, honestly. I think it might be the best night I've had since I've moved here, so I'm really thankful for meeting you tonight Haruka, I say to her. She's smiling again now. I've had an amazing night too, she says, also sincere. I was just expecting to eat some food with a drink then head home to unwind after a long week, she says. But lucky me managed to meet you. I laugh at her words, and also blush, which is definitely obvious. Hey, I say to her, do you mind if I take your contact details? I'd really like to do this again with you. It's not every day I get to meet someone here who likes Guinness or right wing politics just as me as me, I say to her. She laughs, and I do too. Of course, she says. She hands me her contact details and I took them away. As I look back up at her there's a moment. A spark in the air between us. The moment you can feel in your bones, your being, when you've made a special connection with someone and you both know this is the perfect moment, right now, to kiss someone. I give the moment a couple of seconds and now I do feel really nervous, but I know this moment shouldn't be wasted, a moment like this never should, and she's looking at me, comfortable in the moment and stillness. It's been so long since I felt this way about anyone and anything. I seize the moment. I look at her with as much confidence and admiration I think I can in my eyes and I move my head towards her. Haruka's hands meet the side of my head and she kisses me back. I think this moment is one of the ones in my life that felt the most right and perfect. I'm kissing her and can feel myself being consumed by her. I only met her tonight but it feels like I've known her much longer. I have one of my hands on her back and another on the side of her face holding her gently. Her skin is so soft, and she feels so delicate in my hands. Like she belongs there. We stand in the street kissing for a while, before we finally separate. We both look at each other and smile, happiness is radiating from both of us. I pull her back in for another kiss and I want to cherish every single second of it I can. How can this feel so perfect. I want someone or something to freeze me in this moment right now for as long as possible. We stop kissing again. Haruka looks at me and her eyes look like nothing I've ever seen before. They bring me pure warmth. I hope mine are doing the same for her too. We're going to miss our last train, I say to her. She laughs and says she knows. We start walking towards the station, this time when we walk I have her in my arms and she has her arm across my back, pulling me close. We reach the station with enough time to make our trains. Hey, I say, you don't know how much I've enjoyed tonight and how lucky I feel right now to have met you tonight. I really mean it. I think I'm blushing and this time it's obvious because her smile and eyes are different. I think it might be the best night I've had since I moved here, she says. Obviously quoting my earlier comments in a sincere way. I notice and laugh at her joke. We kiss again. I do not want to let her leave my hands, she feels like she has always belonged in them. It's been so long since I've felt this way and I didn't think I would be ready again for a long time. But this is different, I know it. Even still, I know that I shouldn't rush this and I know that I need to make sure I am in the right place for this, I would never want to hurt her. We stop kissing and she keeps her hands on the side of my head for a second and meets my eyes. Hey, I say, I really like you Haruka, I really really really like you, if it's now not obvious. She laughs. I want to see you again when you're free and I want to spend the entire day with you. She finds my childlike excitement cute I think, because now she's blushing. I think I'd like that very much, she says, I'm actually free this weekend or next, and I can make time after work too. The fact she clearly shares my own enthusiasm eases my nerves about how direct I'm being about my feelings towards her. That's perfect, I say, I'm going to message you as soon as we leave to fully book you. She smiles. We notice our trains are soon and we still have to walk to our platforms. I lean in to kiss her again, holding her so she knows I don't want to let her go but we both know we should for now. Thank you again for tonight, and I'll see you very soon, I say to her, staring into her warm eyes. Thank you too, she says to me, I've really enjoyed tonight and I'm glad I met you. Okay then, I say, we should get going. She smiles and we start walking backwards towards the platform entrances still looking at each other smiling. Hey, Haruka shouts, the next round is on me. I can't help but laugh, but a laugh that's emotional rather than humour. She's amazing. I'm holding you to that Ms Suzuki, I shout back to her. She smiles at my words. We leave each other's eyesight as we turn onto the different platform entrances and already I miss here even though it's been mere seconds. How has this happened to me tonight. I don't think I could've created this entire night more perfect for myself if it were possible. I've not been the same since what happened to me shortly after I left for Tokyo. Sometimes I wondered if the medication was actually working, or I needed to try a new one. Sometimes it's that bad I wonder if I'd ever actually be able to love anyone else again as 2 years have passed and I feel worse and worse, nothing has helped me.
I make sure the paper with her contact details are still inside my blazer pocket. It's there. Thank God, she's real, I say to myself.
My train arrives and I step onto it. This time I decided to sit down on a seat and not stand. I'm smiling to myself, allowing my heart to remember what happiness, excitement, and warmth feels like. This familiar feeling I've been missing for so long. But I get an intrusive thought of how long it will last. I push the thought away as quickly as I can. I can deal with this later. I take out my phone and I enter Haruka's details.
Hey, it's the guy who you owe a round too, I type out, I think I'm going to be redeeming those pints very soon. Let me know when you get home so I know you're safe - Conor. Sent.
