PROLOGUE
My face looks familiar enough to be mine,I sometimes recognize my reflection even at first glance. My posture is usually described as severe, it is more accurate to say it is strained, taunt, as though any unnecessary bend may shift other’s perception of me. I keep my appearance intentionally unremarkable, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It reduces the chance of being remembered entirely. I cut my hair professionally short, just the right amount to be a little attractive, but unremarkable. I choose clothing that fits my profession, suits and ties just like everyone else. On most days, this works, but some days, I wonder if intentionally blending is the same thing as being too safe.
In the late 1980s, I was working in London. The details of that time are not always consistent as my work mattered more to me than anything. There are moments in psychiatry when you begin to think that language is not describing the mind, but keeping it constrained. In college I was taught that language organizes thoughts and experiences, that naming an object brings it into clarity. That structure prevents collapse, but it doesn’t. I’ve noticed something more unsettling, that naming does not only define experiences it stabilizes it. Anything that requires stabilization,by definition, is something that is trying to not fall apart. I believed I was observing patients, now I truly understand observation is a part of the process. It selects, reinforces, decides what continues and what does not. There are four patients in my care, or at least that is what my files reflects I begin to suspect the difference between the patient and the observer is not as simple as I once believed.
