To Die For

PATRICIA

“Breathe.” I heard a voice say. The voice was encouraging. It was calm and clear, but it sounded faint to me. “Come on, don’t give up, breathe. In, out, in, out...”

I tried.

I really tried to stay awake, but I couldn’t. My eyes were dim and images were blurry. Nothing was clear.

Oh William, Why did you do this to me?

I felt myself being raised onto a stretcher. I tried to move my arms, my legs.

Nothing moved.

Oh God, have I become paralysed?

I wanted to ask the person hovering over me, telling me to stay awake. My mouth didn’t open, my tongue wouldn’t move.

It seemed my ears were the only sense organ still functioning, because the sirens from the ambulance and the police vehicles were blaring loudly inside them.

My whole being ached. Every bone, every muscle, ached.

William, this is all your fault... I’m in this state because of you.

Tears rolled down my face again. I felt it.

Even in my state of paralysis, all I could think of still, was william, my boyfriend. Or rather my ex-boyfriend.

Yeah. We broke up today, thirty minutes before this accident.

We had been dating for three years and finally, three days ago, after so many months of fighting, so much cajoling, and a few break ups and make ups, I finally gave him my v-card.

William got tired of making out alone a year into our relationship and he wanted the real thing. He called it deep intimacy.

I wasn’t ready, until three nights ago, when he called me over to his apartment at Ikeja, Lagos state.

His apartment was a simple room, self contain. Comfortable enough for a young hunk, like himself.

Well, I used to think of him as a hunk, until today. Now, I can only think of him as a worthless bastard who used me.

That night at his apartment, he seduced me. He wanted us to celebrate his new promotion at the office. He graduated from the university, two years ago and finished his service, October, last year here in Lagos, and was retained by Thomson telecommunications because of his impeccable brilliance.

It’s only been nine months, and he has been promoted to supervisor. It was an achievement and I was very happy for him, because if he was successful, so was I. Since he was my future, or so I thought.

We celebrated with alcohol, Magic Moments, to be precise. And I am not much of a drinker. I am not a drinker at all, period.

And he knew. But he kept filling up my glass, telling me to drink up. I did as he said, because I was in the mood for celebration and I wanted to please him.

He poured more into my glass and finally, the bottle was empty.

“Wow... My babe is all grown up.” He praised me as I downed the alcohol in one shot.

I smiled as I put the cup on the centre table. He rose and stretched his right arm toward me and said. “Dance.” I nodded, my brows lifted as I wondered when he had put on the music.

At once, I knew that I was drunk, as I stood up. I stumbled on my feet and landed solidly on William’s chest. He landed on the floor and we started laughing uncontrollably.

Our laughter, turned into chuckles and suddenly we were kissing. I welcomed it, felt ready at last.

In no time, the tempo of our kiss changed, and we started touching each other. The feeling wasn’t new to me, not the touching and kissing.

Finally, he was entering me, and it was worse than I expected. He entered me in one stroke and I screamed with the pain. I started push him off me, regretting my hasty decision.

It was so painful, and he wasn’t being gentle.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He said, when he realised what he’d done. He kissed my lips, my cheeks, my fore head. “I got carried away and forgot you were a virgin. I’m sorry.”

His words calmed me, and I stopped fighting him. He didn’t move either. He waited until the pain subsided.

When he started moving, the sensation was different, Pleasurable. I liked it.

At last, it was over and we were breathing hard. He remained splayed on top of me, and I stroked his back up and down. And he kissed me again, moving off me, to lay by my side, on the floor.

“That was good.” He muttered.

I didn’t know what to say to that. What he said made me feel cheap. I decided to brush it off, I didn’t want anything to ruin the moment. I turned toward him, wanting to cuddle with him and rest in his arms.

William stood up, and left me there without saying anything. He walked over to his room, and I knew he was heading for his bathroom.

Even if it was my first time, I knew that his behaviour wasn’t right. He made me feel like a prostitute who had forced herself upon him.

I sat up too, and started putting on my clothes. I went back to my parents house that night, with the aching soreness between my legs.

***

“Where have you been, Patricia?” My mother asked me, the minute I stepped into our six room duplex. I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore her. But my mum is a very insistent woman, she doesn’t give up until she got what she wanted.

She didn’t leave me alone.

“Young lady, it’s you I’m talking to. Where have you been?”

I rolled my eyes again, didn’t stop walking until I was in my room, and unsurprisingly, my mum was right there with me. She’s like a stalker. “I stepped out for a minute.”

“To do what?”

Gosh, she really was insistent.

“Mum, I was out with Richard, and then I went on to see William. He got promoted.” I was getting irritated by her interrogations and stalking.

My room was my privacy, and I wanted nothing but to take a nice long bath and wash away the musky smell of sweat that was clinging to me.

My mum seemed satisfied with my explanation, but she still eyed me. It wasn’t a new thing that she didn’t trust me. I had done a lot of things to be undeserving of it.

I used to be reckless and wild when I was younger. I got into lots of trouble and mum got called a lot for meetings in my secondary school. I got grounded and punished quite often as well.

But I’m changed now. I’m older, and I value people and my relationships with them. Especially my family and my boyfriend. But mum is yet to realise that, hence, her lack of trust.

“So, where’s your brother?”

“Richard should be on his way home.” I paused and stared at her, waiting for her to take her leave. But she just stood there in front of me and stared back at me.

“I want to take a bath mum, can you please excuse me?”

Her brows raised at my words, she eyed me from head to foot. She opened her mouth to say something again, then she closed it back and walked out of my room, to my relief.

If only she knew what had happened tonight, she wouldn’t have left so easily.

After taking my bath, I laid down on my bed and waited fruitlessly for William’s call. I slept off, still waiting.

Next morning, the first thing I checked was my phone. Still no call from him. I didn’t want to call him. I wanted to act like the mature young woman that I was. He often said I was clingy, I didn’t want to hear that again.

I felt so hurt, but still had hope. The day has just begun, and it was just eight am. There was still time. Maybe, his battery went dead, and there was no power to charge it.

6:30 pm in the evening, I started getting worried. And different thoughts started crossing my mind. Bad thoughts.

Perhaps something bad had happened to him, perhaps he had a dead phone battery, or perhaps, he’d been using me all these years. I was eager to know the answer, but I decided to wait till the next day, today, to find out.

Sleep eroded me throughout the night. My mind kept wandering and my heart kept beating. There was this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that made my body feel dull and heavy.

It clocked 6:00 am in the morning and I couldn’t wait anymore. I quickly took my bath and rushed to wear my clothes.

At that moment, I became reckless again. Taking my older brother’s car keys, I sneaked out of the house without telling anyone. I was dying to see William.

I got the shock of my life when I got to William’s apartment.

The place was empty.

He had moved out and left me.

The feeling of being used overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stand on my own any longer. I slumped onto the wall and held my head in my hands. My heart felt heavy.

I loved William. I gave him everything. My attention, my love, my body. I was always there when he needed me. What more?

And he left me stranded like this? He couldn’t even face me. He didn’t wait to face me.

God, I hate him so much. I detest and loath him with all my being.

Mustering up my strength, I walked out of the empty apartment, and there, I bumped into his nosy neighbour, Mrs Kachi.

She always gave me this look that made me uncomfortable, as if she knew so many secrets of mine. It gave me the impression that she was nosy.

She was staring at me in that same way right now and I didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of this damned, godforsaken building.

She put a hand on my hand, stopping me as I started to move away.

“William asked me to give you this.” She stretched a brown envelope to me and walked away, into her own apartment.

With each passing moment, as I walked out of the building, I felt ready to break down and roll into a corner where I could be alone. Curiousity, hurt, and the anger I was feeling, made me stop at the exit to see what ever was in the envelope.

I tore off the sealed top and pulled out the sheet of paper in it and hastily unfolded it. It was a letter.

A combination of sentences and words that lacked feeling and emotion and mercilessly ripped out my heart.

It simply read,

Patricia,

Honey, I left. I had to go.

I finally had you. A night with you was all I always wanted. And now that I’ve finally got it, there’s no reason to keep pretending that I want to be with you. I never loved you. I only wanted your body.

Now, I’m out of your life, I really don’t want to ever meet or see you again. It’s that simple.

Oh and, I forgot to tell you that night, that I don’t enjoy being with virgins. I didn’t enjoy being with you either.

Good luck, now that you’ve become an experienced woman. Thanks to me.

William.

I laughed sardonically as I tore the letter to shreds. I laughed like a possessed girl. And suddenly I was chocking and coughing wildly. I took in deep breath and calmed down until my coughing ceased.

Tears began to pool in my eyes as I marched angrily to my brother’s car.

I drove like a maniac. Fellow drivers rained cusses at me and i got angry looks from pedestrians.

That didn’t stop me, or calm me, I wasn’t even close to caring about them.

I realised that my mind hadn’t even register that day had finally broken and everywhere was bright.

My phone buzzed and rang loudly on the passenger’s seat where I had thrown it earlier this morning.

I glared at it, using my left hand to wipe off the angry tears running down my face, while my right hand gripped the stirring wheel.

The phone kept ringing non-stop. And when I finally decided to pick it up, I realised it was a wrong move. My eyes went off the road for one minute, and the next thing I heard was a blast.

I had bumped into a police post at the centre of the road, and another unsuspecting car hit me from behind. I hit my head on the stirring wheel, and it swerved forcefully to the left, sending the car drifting toward the left, hitting another truck that was trying to avoid me. I was swung bodily unto the wind screen by my side.

The pain that covered me was unbearable, and still, the car kept drifting noisily, until I heard another loud blast as a tire burst.

The car, shook violently, I thought it was going to tumble, but it mercifully came to an abrupt stop.

The smell of smoke and bursted tire filled my nose, and it was becoming hard to breathe.

In very short time, I felt movements and heard voices. I tried to move out of the seat, but the seat belt held me down. I didn’t even have the strength to move.

Someone battled with the door, tugging forcefully until it opened.

I just sat there slumped, hanging between consciousness and unconsciousness.