The Opal

The bell signaling the start of 8th period rings and I slowly walk through the empty hall. Usually Alexis is hanging out by her locker here, knowing I have 8th period off, waiting to see what I am up to. Just a few weeks ago she would jump at any opportunity to skip creative writing class and go for a drive with Kyle, Zach and I or just smoke cigarettes with us near the gate. Last week it took a bit of convincing to get her to come and this week she is nowhere to be found. I would think that maybe she acquired some new found love for writing except that she has been strangely distant from me all week. I slam open the door to the school parking lot and feel the crisp fall air on my face. I think over the past few days while I walk to the back gate where I meet Kyle and Zach on our off periods. Alexis didn’t return my texts on Monday night, she practically bolted for the door when I walked up to Jessica and her in the cafeteria on Tuesday, and when I tried to ask her if everything was okay in the bathroom today she just said yea her mom has been making her nuts this past week and she had to get back to class. I hope she’s okay. Her mom can be pretty nutty, one second trying to act like her best friend and the next screaming at her saying she doesn’t show any respect. Alexis told me she thinks her mom is just jealous of her life, that watching Alexis and I go out and have fun doing teenager things makes her lament the loss of her youth. I stop walking when i’m outside the school gate and look up to the sky. Alexis’s mom had her when she was only 20. My parents had me at 37. It’s just one more difference between us to add to the long list. Well, I guess not that long a list, just that she is tall, blond, and has perfect boobs. Those three things feel like everything when you live in Long Island, the superficial suck hole that it is. A flock of geese glide silently through the air overhead and I wonder about their friends. If any of them were gassed recently when they killed what they said was an over population of geese that had become hazardous to landing airplanes even though the airport is miles away. It’s their molting season and I think people didn’t like the look of old geese feathers on their pristine lawns.

I hear the gradually louder sound of sneakers slapping the ground in a run and turn around just as Kyle tackles me to the ground into a huge pile of leaves on the lawn behind me. He’s laughing hard and I begin hitting him on his arm, struggling to get up.

“Let me up, I’m going to kill you, why did you do that?”

“What?! You were asking for it. You were standing next to a giant pile of leaves” He gets up laughing and tosses some of the leaves in my face.

“You are such a child!” I get to my feet and kick some leaves back at him, destroying the already messed up pile that was probably made by a poor immigrant worker getting paid less than minimum wage because most of the families in our town had a personal landscapers.

“Come to Terrance Ave with us. That will make you feel better.”

When he says “us” I know he means him and Zach and I turn to look at the back of the school. Zach is casually walking out the back gate grinning.

“Sorry, he took off running, you know how he is” he says as he picks a leaf off my jacket, aplogizing as if he’s Kyle’s babysitter.

“It’s ok.” I smile back then turn to glare at Kyle who’s still cracking up. “Let’s go.”

It’s only a 20 minute drive to Terrence Ave but Kyle likes to make sure he makes it in 15. Not that we have a schedule or anywhere to be. It’s Friday and the drug dealers at Terrence work 24/7 anyway. I’m sitting in the back seat and Zach hands me a cigarette from the front. Thanking him I roll down the window to smoke and zone out of his and Kyle’s conversation. Zach’s only been to Terrence Ave. once since moving out to Long Island two months ago. For the first month and a half he had this amazing weed that he brought with him when his family moved out here from Los Angeles. It was like nothing I had ever seen or smoked before. It had some fruity sounding name that is meaningless to remember when you can’t just call up and order more which I guess is how he got it in the first place, from a dispensary, with a prescription. California really did seem like the promised land the way he talked about it.

“I can’t believe all these kids move out here to pay thousands of dollars to go to a school in a ghetto” Kyle says as we whiz by HOFSTRA into Hempstead the town Terrance Ave is in.

“Yea, well it’s a ghetto on Long Island, its not like it’s in South Central” Zach was always doing that. Comparing Long Island to LA. He’s right but so was Kyle. Parents from around the country send their teens, full of potential, off to a reputable expensive private university. When the teens arrive they realize it’s in middle of one of the poorest neighborhoods on L.I. where, until recent new security measures, you had a 50/50 chance of getting jumped in the school parking lot. If they survive that though it works out great since in that neighborhood you can buy booze when you aren’t 21 yet, you can buy drugs on the street and it has the only Planned Parenthood on the island.

“The streets here are named after the ones in Brooklyn near where Biggie lived” I say.

“How do you know?”

“My dad told me, he grew up in Brooklyn. See.” I point to the street signs. “There’s Clinton, Washington, Fulton’s that way.” Kyle already knows my parents grew up in Brooklyn because I’ve know him since I was 10 but Zach doesn’t. I’m sure he’ll be interested in this street sign fact because of all the 90’s rappers Biggie is his favorite even though he’s form the east coast, the rival to Zach’s west.

“Why did your parents move out of Brooklyn?”

“I think they wanted to live in a house not an apartment. They don’t talk about it much.” What I don’t say is that when I told them i wished we lived in the city near my cousins and that I’m moving to Manhattan as soon as I’m able they get flustered and say I don’t understand what it’s like to live in the city and storm off. It’s happened countless times.

We turn right onto Terrence Ave and Kyle slows down. I see his eyes darting around until he spots a young guy in grey hoodie. We pull over and he rolls down the window.

“What’s up man” Kyle says.

“My man Kyle, how are you” Grey Sweatshirt opens the passenger side door behind Kyle and slips in next to me. “What up, ma” he says looking me up and down. “Hey” I reply quietly. This guy was new to me and besides that I already felt awkward when I had to make conversation with strangers it was even more awkward to make conversation with a stranger who we are buying weed from who was checking me out while sitting next to me in a small car. Sometimes I want to kill Kyle for putting me in these situations.

Zach turns around and makes conversation as we drive down the street. Grey Sweatshirt is pulling out baggies and then Zach is deciding between them. After a long decisive moment he keeps one, hands back the rest with a wad of money. A second later we are stopped at the corner and Grey Sweatshirt turns to me as he opens the door “See you later beautiful. peace Kyle” and we speed away

“CeCe, you should hang out with that guy, maybe he’ll cut us a deal next time”

“What the hell Kyle. I’d appreciate you not trying to pimp me off” I say turning red, embarrassed.

Zach chuckles and says we should go to his house to smoke. I suddenly feel the color drain from my face, my beet red embarrassment turns quickly to sheet white fear.

I hadn’t been to Zach’s house in two weeks, not since we had been making out and he tried to unbutton my pants and I stopped him. It’s not that I hadn’t wanted him to but that I was scared. Terrified is actually more accurate. I wasn’t a virgin, I couldn’t count the times I had sex but guessed it was under thirty, and I had a long term boyfriend who took off my pants countless times besides that. With Zach it was different though. I felt young and inexperienced. Even though we are just two years apart in age his laid back confidence makes it seem like he is light years beyond the world I’m familiar with. It wasn’t the first time we made out and I knew it was coming but I just wasn’t ready, or drunk enough, to let him that day.

Kyle parks in front of Zach’s house and walks around to the trunk where he had put the beer we picked up on the way over. I get out of the car and follow Zach up the leaf littered pathway to the house. His parents aren’t home and we clamor upstairs to his bedroom. As soon as he opens the door to it I smell the familiar scent of stale cigarettes and cologne. It comforts me to think nothing has changed in the past two weeks so I sat down in my usual spot on the bed. Kyle sits on the floor and leans against one of the giant speakers and tosses me a beer while Zach puts music on, the usual mix of Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Biggie.

“I’ve got Sour Straws, Gummi strawberries, pixie sticks, or tootsie rolls. What you want?” Kyle holds out a brown bag for me to choose from.

“Nothing. I already ate three of those gooey chocolate chip cookies from the cafeteria today.”

“Are you on a diet? Why are girls always on diets.”

“I’m not on a diet, I just already ate a bunch of sugar. It’s just gross, I can’t believe you eat like that all the time. Wait, are you saying you think I should be on a diet? Who even eats tootsie rolls anymore besides my grandma?”

He smiles and tosses a wrapper at me. Zach comes and sits down next too me. I feel the beer warm me up and start to feel more comfortable being at Zach’s house again. Hadn’t we spent countless days hanging out like this in the past few months? There’s nothing for me to feel uncomfortable about, nothings different. Except something was missing. Alexis isn’t here and she often was. I glance at my phone. It’s 4pm, schools out and she hasn’t called. I don’t know what she’s up to these days at all.

“Have you guys spoke to Alexis lately?”

“Yea.” Kyle replies but it doesn’t offer me any answers.

“Oh. I just haven’t really talked to her. She said her mom has been being nuts. I hope she’s okay.”

“She’s fine. I wouldn’t worry about her.” Zach says taking a swig of his beer and standing up to get the weed we just bought out of his coat.

I glance at Kyle who’s digging around in his candy bag and hasn’t looked up. I get the feeling he knows something he isn’t saying but I don’t want to push him. Maybe he’s being considerate to Alexis. Zach’s a new friend so maybe Kyle doesn’t want to tell what’s up with her in front of him. Or maybe he’s just being immature and not paying attention which seems more likely. Zach sits down to roll a joint and then hands it off to me to light. I figure that’s my cue to drop the subject.

Two joints and countless beers later we are all laughing when Kyle looks down at his cell phone and abruptly jumps up. “I forgot to pick up my sister! My mom is going to kill me!”

“Pick her up from where?” I ask. She could be at any one of her numerous after school activities ranging from her competitive dance team rehearsal to vegetarian cooking club. Overachieving ran in their family. Besides the fact that Kyle was a huge pothead he managed to be a high-jump champion, head of our schools math league and volunteer tutor junior high kids.

“She had a basketball game. Come with me to get her.”

Usually by now Zach has his arm around me or I’m leaning back on him on the bed. If other people were hanging out with us and they were getting ready to leave he would give my shirt a little tug from behind and I’d casually say I was gonna hang out for a bit more knowing we were going to hook up. Today is different though. Zach has stood up and sat down so many times he’s starting to make me dizzy, though that may just be the combination of the weed and beer I’ve consumed. Whichever it is he’s definitely keeping his distance.

“Cool, I probably should go home anyway.” I start to gather my stuff and put on my jacket. I make sure to grab some empty beer cans to throw in the garbage on the way out. I hope holding stuff makes it so don’t have to give some sort of awkward hug to Zach on the way out who’s quietly drinking a beer sitting on the corner his bed.

“Later Zach.”

“Later Cece. What are you doing tomorrow? We should hang out”

“Yea. Call me tomorrow.” I follow Kyle out the door after he says bye full well knowing I won’t see Zach tomorrow. Even if he does call I know I can’t hang out with him. I don’t want to give him that power that I can just be around when he wants, that familiar tug of my shirt. Whatever it was that we had is over. Goodbye smoke filled room make-out sessions. The buzzy numbness in my head makes it not matter.

“Cece, wakey wakey.” My little sister climbs on my bed and lifts my my eyelids open.

“Emmmmmaaaaa. Emma! Stop doing that.”

“Mom wants to know if you want her to take you to yoga?”

Yoga. It is all I hear about these days from my parents. I casually mention I enjoyed it when we did it in gym class and the next thing I know they are buying me a yoga mat and signing me up for classes. Just because I like something doesn’t mean I want to do it everyday. Actually, maybe not true. I would smoke weed or drink beer everyday. I pretty much do at this point. I know that’s what they are trying to counter. I can’t tell if they know when I have been doing these things or not but in the summer when they realized my friends and I were drinking in the backyard I was grounded for a solid three weeks. They really have the ability to kill any interest I have in something with their overzealous attitude.

“No, please tell mom I have a book to read and paper to write for school”

“Ok.” She bounces away. Emma always has energy and is always jumping around. I don’t remember being like that, having that much energy. I bet Kyle did, he still does. It must be all that sugar he eats. I close my eyes again and turn over to face the wall. My brain feels fuzzy from last night. Kyle and I picked up his sister and went to his house. His mom wasn’t home from work yet so we made a cocktail from her liquor cabinet taking only a little bit form each bottle so she wouldn’t notice. We took a water bottle with us and shared it while we walked to Greenfield, which is just a patch of grass between a woodsy area and two parkways. Every once in awhile someone organizes a big keg party there but usually its just small groups of kids hanging out and drinking. Overall the night was uneventful and whenever the thought of Zach crept into my mind I took another sip of our homemade cocktail. I wanted to tell Alexis about it but she was no where to be found again even though the majority of our group of friends was hanging out at Greenfeild. I called her and sent her a text but she didn’t write back. No one seemed to have spoken to her. She was my best friend and the one I was suppose to talk to about boy troubles but I also didn’t want to burden her with it if she was having a tough time with her mom.

I dodge my mom until she leaves the house to run errands and I finally sit down to do my homework. I’m not to worried about finishing my paper because school is easy for me so I stall by going on Facebook. Good thing Zach isn’t on here because I’m sure I would compulsively check his page. I look at Alexis’s and she hasn’t updated her status in days. That figures though. We both hate it when people are constantly updating their status messages. Who really cares if you ate an amazing grilled cheese sandwich today. Our classmates live the most mundane lives and most of my time on here is looking at my cousins pages and their friends who live in the city. They always have photos from recent art openings, new bands they saw or pictures from huge parties. The house phone rings and I go pick it up even though ever since I got a cell phone last year my friends call me on that.

“Hello”

“Oh, hey Cece.” It’s Alexis.

“Hi. Why do you sound surprised and why did you call the house phone?”

“I’m not surprised. I must have gotten confused. What are you up to tonight?”

I tell her nothing thinking about Zach’s request to hang out but who knows if he’ll really call anyway. She invites me to Courtney’s house to sleep over. She knows my parents don’t let me sleep over at other people’s houses but I tell her that I’d come by for awhile.

“Well, I’m probably not going to go there until ten and you have to be home at 11 anyway right?” As she says this I’m starting to think she doesn’t actually want me there but can’t understand why she would invite me in the first place then.

“Actually no, the past few weeks my parents have let me come home at 12. They’ve been pretty cool about my curfew I just forgot to tell you because we haven’t hung out. How’s stuff with your mom?”

“It’s fine.” she says brushing off my comments and question. “Well I guess I’ll see you at 10 then. “

“Okay.” I say hesitantly.

“Ok bye” and she hangs up. Just like that the conversations over. If you can even call that a conversation. It sounded like she was expecting me to say I couldn’t come. What is she doing until ten anyway that she can’t invite me to? Now I’m fully distracted and am never going to be able to focus on this paper. I grab my jacket and cellphone and decide to go for a walk.

The ground is wet and the leaves are slippery. It must of rained at some point this morning and I hadn’t even noticed. I walk up to the main avenue in town. Its overcast which only highlights the glowing lights of the stores. I walk past the Starbucks and am bathed in a green glow, then a McDonalds and I turn an orange red. I don’t see how people can eat at these places. Corporate America disgusts me and sometimes I think I belong to a different time when there were little mom and pop shops that would’ve lined this street. At least when you are in Manhattan the chain stores are mixed in with small vintage shops or cafes and you have more choices. That is the problem with Long Island. The lack of choices. Or maybe that wasn’t the problem. Not the only one anyway. Having clear thoughts doesn’t seem possible this moment because I keep thinking of Alexis and the phone call. I need to find someone to hang out with for distraction. I scroll through the Contacts on my phone, send a few texts and walk over to the elementary school. Jessica calls me back and says she’ll come meet me so I climb to the top of the monkey bars to wait for her.

It’s almost ten o’oclock when i set out from my house to walk to Courtney’s. She only lives about 15 minutes away so I wander around her neighborhood a bit and walk slowly so I don’t arrive exactly at 10. My phone rings and it’s Zach. He did actually called. I’m surprised and excited but I don’t pick up the phone. Please leave a message, please leave a message. A couple blocks later my phone beeps and I breathe a sign of relief, he left a message.

“Hey, Cece. Just seeing if you want to come over. (muffled: What? Shut up, dude. ) Yea so give me a call I’ll borrow my mom’s car and come get you.”

It sounded like Kyle was with him in the background. I guess he was going to leave because oherwise why would Zach need to borrow his mom’s car to come get me, usually Kyle does that. I can’t go over there. I won’t. And I am not calling him back. It’s already ten anyway we would only be able to hang out for two hours but then again I’m going to Courtney’s house now for two house only. It is just annoying to me that he thinks I would just drop whatever I’m doing to go over there. I quicken my pace and try to forget it, I’ m only a block from Courtney’s house.

Courtney’s room is the whole attic of her house. She’s the youngest of 4 kids and two years older than Alexis and I. Her room is a mix of weird relics from each of her siblings teenage years. From posters of Nirvana to a Lava lamp and a weight bench. She also has a bong that had belonged to her brother, he was the third kid. This was definitely her most prized possession. I walk up the creeky steps to her room and already smell weed. She doesn’t bother hiding the smell with incense or perfume like some other of my friends. She told me once that her parents gave up fighting with their kids about it around the time her brother was 15 and took the stance that they’d rather their kids smoke in their house then a with strangers in an alleyway. I laughed when she said this. My parents had also used a reference to an alleyway in a warning about illicit drug use. There are no alleyways in our town.

“Hi guys” I say making my presence known. Court and Alexis look up from a book they are staring at, say hi and move over to make room for me on the couch.

“You have to take a look at this.”

Alexis shoves the book book at me. It’s open to an pattern of repeating flowers.

“Um, What is it?”

“Do you see it? It’s a Magic Eye book. Do you see the butterfly? It’s like an optical illusion. Soften you eyes and look at it.”

I look down at the book and just feel my eyes crossing “I don’t see it maybe you need to be high to see it.” I hand the book back to her getting up to grab the bong and settle into the in the bean bag chair across from the couch.

“Yea, you need to get on our level.” Courtney says and tosses me a lighter. I light the bong and inhale the sweet smoke. I feel everything between Alexis and I melt away. I feel the message from Zach melt away. Everything just melts away.

An hour later I still haven’t seen the butterfly Alexis and Court claim is hidden in the flower pattern. We are laughing about our friend Jessica’s plan to change her outfit every period during school for an entire day. She only wears eight different outfits anyway so it’s going to be an accelerated version of seeing her each day of the week. I go to take a hit of the bong again, then get up to pass it to Court and sit back on the couch.

I don’t know how much time has passed. The corners of the room are folding in on themselves. Folding, folding and getting darker. My eyes are open but everything is going black and I’m trying to see. I hear myself say “why is it so dark” but it sounds so far away. Did I just say that? Then pitch black. Lights out.

I feel the hard ground beneath my face and hear Alexis’s voice before I see her.

“What should we do? Maybe we should move her.”

I groan and turn over to lay on my back.

“Hey sweetie,” Court is crouching next to me. “How do you feel?”

I open my eyes. Court is the only person I know under thirty who uses terms like “sweetie” and can make it sound natural. The last thing I remember is sitting on the couch talking about Spanish class. Court tells me I pitched forward real slowly off the couch and landed on the ground. At first they thought i was joking, enacting my disgust for my Spanish teacher. Then I didn’t move and laid there for a solid 3 minutes.

I mumble I’m fine and maybe it was that weird pill I took before I came over. I crawl over to the bean bag chair and get in it. I knew I liked this chair for some reason, closer to the ground, shorter distance to fall. Do they even make these anymore? I should get one. Alexis hands me a glass of water and asks what pill. Everything feels fuzzy. Covered in moss. Flocked in a furry glow. The water tastes metallic and I feel myself recoil. Why did I say that. I didn’t take any pill. I can’t take that back now. Last week was the first time I took any pills. It was about 7 caffeine pills at once because a friend of mine told me they would create the same effects as tripping on mushrooms. Not true. I quietly threw up in the bathroom for an hour trying to make sure my parents didn’t hear me. My parents. I don’t want to have to talk to them when I get home. My mom often waited up for me and asked how my night was. I would mumble a response trying to hide slurring words and go quickly to my bedroom.

“That must be why you passed out.” Court says confidently. Alexis doesn’t seem as convinced and is eyeing me with a look of concern and confusion.

“I guess I’m going to go home.” I say getting up.

Alexis says she’ll walk me and I hug Court goodbye, assuring her I’m fine.

The cold night air feels good and starts to clear the cloudiness in my brain. Trying to make conversation with Alexis on our walk I ask,

“How did you get over to Courts earlier?”

“Kyle drove me.”

“Kyle. Wasn’t he at Zach’s? Were you there also?”

“I just don’t understand what pill you took.” She blatantly changes the subject. Why won’t she just tell me she was at Zach’s house earlier? Why didn’t anyone invite me? Why did he call me to hang out when Alexis left? I feel myself getting mad.

“Way to care now. You’ve barely talked to me the past few weeks. What is going on? I thought you were having a hard time with your mom but now I’m starting to thing you are just avoiding me since you seem to be spending time with Zach, Kyle and who knows who else.”

“What are your talking about? You’re being crazy.”

“Crazy? How does stating how I feel make me crazy? Why do you keep dismissing everything I say? You haven’t responded to my texts or phone calls in forever.”

She stops walking and glares at me .

“Really? Do you even hear yourself? I called you today” She turns and walks back in the direction of Courts house. I walk the rest of the way home glumly and try to figure out what I did wrong .

Monday morning I get dressed groggily dreading the day ahead. I can’t shake Saturday night and my fight with Alexis. I felt tortured all day yesterday by wanting to know if she was at Zach’s earlier Saturday night and why he would call me to hang out after Alexis and Kyle were planing to leave. I feel alone and unwanted even though Jessica was coming to pick me up for school. Maybe she will have some insight into Alexis’s attitude.

I get into the warm car.

“Morning CeCe, it’s cold out there. I feel winter’s evil chill approaching.” She is not a fan of the cold or winter. I can’t wait for the dark winter days, snow piles and hibernation. It feels my dark mood perfectly.

Jessica launches into a long story about her brothers birthday party on Saturday night. About his drunk friends hanging out until daybreak and her not being able to sleep. I catch a few details but stare blankly out the window. We pass row after row of cookie cutter house. People walking out of Dunkin’ Donuts with their morning coffee to their car, clicking the alarm and driving off in their solitary commute to whatever boring job they have to pay the bills. I feel depressed by the scene and feel a tightening in my chest, a suffocation from the predictability that life seems to have out here. I need to get out of this place, out of this car. I crack the window.

“Jessica,” I say interrupting her, “Did you talk to Alexis this weekend?”

“Yes, on Saturday. She told me you both were going to Courtney’s house.”

“Did she say anything about going to Zach’s earlier?”

“Yea, she mentioned it when she said she couldn’t come by my brother’s party.”

Why would she tell Jessica and not me. Only seniors are allowed to park in the school lot so we pull up to the back of the school and park on our usual block. I see Zach smoking leaning against the school gate with some other kids and Kyle running and demonstrating his high jump that won him the track meet yesterday. I had promised him I would go watch but bailed at the last moment because I felt too tired and saddened by my fight with Alexis the night before.

Jessica and I walk up to the group and say our hellos. I try to put on a brighter face, smile and give Kyle a hug congratulating him on his win.

“Thanks kiddo,” he says messing up my hair.

“Kiddo?! I’m six months older than you.”

“And none the wiser.” He jokingly snaps back. A round of “oooh” “he got you CeCe.” comes from our friends and I smile and lean into him, fake trying to push him over. Kyle puts his arm around me and says let’s go inside. Kyle may annoy me more than anyone, even more than my little sister Emma, but his presence is comforting.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come yesterday. I just didn’t feel too well.” We walk into the school.

“That’s okay. Alexis said you passed out at Courts so I kinda figured. What pill did you take?”

I had forgotten about this imaginary pill. I never really thought before about how much work lying is.

“Oh just something from my parents medicine cabinet. Probably a painkiller from when my dad got a tooth pulled. No big deal. I think just that, the bong hit, and I hadn’t eaten, you know, made for a bad combination.” I hadn’t actually given the passing out much more thought since it happened.

“Alexis was pretty freaked out. She said you were acting crazy.”

I felt the anger rising in my chest. How dare she call me crazy. Again.

“I don’t know what that even means “crazy.” I tried to tell her how I felt because she has been so M.I.A lately and then she gets all freaked out because of this pill? Who cares about the stupid pill, I’m fine. It’s her who we should be worried about. She has been all distant and, and..” I start to stammer and I feel tears start to well in my eyes and my face go hot. I will not cry in front of Kyle about this. Kyle has only seen me cry once before. Last year when Chris Caraway was hit by a truck riding his bike on Route 110 Kyle was at my house with me when my mom showed me the article in the newspaper. Kyle had never met him but six months earlier heard me swoon over him after we shared a kiss on the last day of camp. He is the first person I have ever known that died and I cried more tears than I knew I had. Kyle held my hand through days of it.

“I have to go to Chemistry.” I practically run down the hallway and even though Kyle is calling after me. I don’t look back and I go directly to the bathroom in the west wing. Usually the senior girls hang out smoking cigarettes out the window before class. If Nicole came to school today I can find her there. Nicole is 3 years older than me and full of worldly wisdom. She spends a lot of time in Manhattan going to auditions. She’s been in some commercials and even an off off Broadway play. She picked me up from my house when I told her I wanted to run away and let me drive her car. She always invited me to parties, took me to the city and showed me where all the best vintage stores were. She was a good friend unlike Alexis currently.

I burst through the bathroom door and two girls I don’t know turn around.

“Hi CeCe.” Court hopes down off the sink. I don’t see Nicole.

“How do you feel?” I hope Alexis didn’t tell her about our fight. It’s likely she did though because the way I had Nicole as my older senior friend, Alexis had Court.

“I’m okay.” I go to the sink, run the cold water and splash some on my face.

She hands me a cigarette and lights one herself. While we smoke she tells me about a time one of her sisters passed out at a party they had when she was only 8. Court saw it happen got scared and turned to run outside. She ran directly into the glass door going to their patio promptly passing out also. The paramedics were called and she woke up in the ambulance with her sister awake lying on a cot beside her, repeating. “I am so dead, I am so dead.” I think the story is ment to be funny but I can barely smile. I just focus on the cigarette and the glowing ambers at the end of it, brightening as I inhale. I don’t feel like brightening. I am sad and angry. The bell for class rings.

“Let’s go ladies.” The school guard opens the bathroom door and shouts in just as I flick my cigarette out the window.

The rest of the day is hazy. I smoke some weed at lunch with a girl from my Pyschology class and I avoid any of the usual places Alexis, Kyle or Zach may be. I get home from school and my parents are both still at work so I aimlessly shuffle around the house until I decide to get into bed and take a nap until dinnertime.

I slept straight through til Tuesday morning only disturbed once by my mom checking on me. Luckily, she is a big believer in sleep healing all aliments so she just let me go back to bed after telling her I felt sick. I hear the horn of Jessica’s car out front and try to put on a more chipper face this morning than yesterday.

“Hi!” I say getting into her car. “Your hair looks nice!” Even though it pretty much looks the same as everyday.

“Thanks! What happen to you yesterday? I thought I would see you at lunch. Kyle was concerned about you.”

“Yea, we had a fight I guess. You know how annoying he is. The younger brother I never wanted.”

“I totally know what you mean,” she says laughing. “Yesterday at lunch he kept tossing this rubber ball against the cafeteria wall and of course Coach Miller just ignored him but Mr. Mancini starts yelling at him.....”

I am smiling and nodding, I am fully engaged in this conversation. I am happy and not bothered by Alexis being a total jerk lately. I am not bothered that Zach and I haven’t made out since the pants unbuttoning episode. I will have a fun day at school today. Self-hypnosis. I remember reading that chapter in my Psych book. I am going to use it and it is going to work.

I laugh when Jessica does. Even though I am not sure at what but feel like I can do this. I can convince people I feel fine.

By the time Thursday rolls around I feel decent. So what if Alexis wants to be a jerk. I have plenty of other friends. It is only uncomfortable when people ask me where she is because it is known that we are best friends and usually are together. I have successfully avoided her for three days now but have also been avoiding Zach and Kyle too. I feel bad about Kyle. He’s just concerned and I know I keep brushing him off by responding to his texts with one word answers but I just need the space. Plus it’s nice to feel wanted, at least he cares what I have been up to.

The lunch bell rings and I check the cafeteria for him and then the back gate. I find him talking to a freshman girl I know he thinks is cute. I walk up to them and he gives me a giant hug spinning me around. “Cece I missed you!” I see the freshman out of the corner of my eye tense up and look around uncomfortably. She is one of the girls who already has a Mercedes but can’t even drive yet. Her purse is Prada and her ring catches a glint of the fall sunlight and practically blinds me.

“I have to go back inside.” She says

“Ok cool, see you later” Kyle replies still looking at me and holding me at arms length.

She huffs off and I feel bad for her. I hope she doesn’t think there is anything going on between Kyle and I. Even though she is exactly the type of spoiled Long Island girl I despise I don’t want to mess it up for Kyle.

“I thought you liked her? I don’t want to interrupt, I just wanted to say hi.”

“No, No. It’s fine I’ll see her later or something. I am just happy to see you since you’ve been avoiding me.” He looks down and kicks a rock between his feet.

“I’m sorry. I just. Stuff is just weird with Alexis and I didn’t want to run into her.”

We sit down on the curb. Kyle pulls out his ever present bag of candy and unwraps some sort of gummy candy. I pick through the leaves at my feet. I toss aside the symmetrical ones and look for the ones that have multiple colors or seem to be missing a limb.

“I haven’t seen her much actually, you know, she’s just been off with Zach.”

“What?” I snap up and look him in the face. Something like shock passes over it and he looks down at the ground.

“I thought she told you. She said on Saturday she was going to.”

“Told me what?” I already know the answer to this question. I feel pain in my chest already but I need Kyle to say it. Pieces from the past few weeks are forming a solid whole in my mind.

“Alexis and Zach are dating.”

“Dating?! You mean he’s her boyfriend?” The earth is shifting under my feet even though I am sitting down. Do earthquakes hit Long Island? Is that what is happening? I look up and the houses seem to be shifting, wavering back in forth. How can they be dating?

“Yea, you know it just happened so fast and all, so I know she wanted to tell you and he felt bad too because you guys are such good friends.”

Good friends? We had been making out for weeks. Was this because I wouldn’t sleep with him that day? Had Alexis hooked up with him the same time I was. How could she do this to me. I try to get up but its difficult with the movement of the ground and house. Kyle steadies me and gets up also.

“Are you okay?” He’s holding onto my arm and i shrug him off. The ground begins to feel solid under my feet and the houses go still. Anger. Again.

“No, I’m not ok. Why didn’t you tell me this earlier. Some friend you are Kyle. Thanks a lot. You knew this whole time and let me be a fool? Get away from me.” I start to walk off quickly down the street in the opposite direction of school.

“Cece I’m sorry. I thought they were going to tell you. Don’t be mad at me. Wait up.”

“No Kyle. I don’t want to be around you right now. Don’t call me or text me.”

I walk quickly not really having a destination but there is no way I am going back to school. How many other people knew. Did Jessica? Did Court? How come no one told me. I feel betrayed by everyone around me. I am mad at everyone. I thought I had all these friends and really everyone was probably laughing at me behind my back. The worst of all being Alexis. Hadn’t we always prided ourselves on being close and not like the back stabbing girls that were all over all the reality tv shows we watched. We always said how that would never be us. I walk towards the train station. I need to get off this island.

I have enough money on me to get to Manhattan so I buy a ticket and go wait on the train platform. I look at the metal sculpture windmills on a rooftop adjacent to the platform. The sign reads “Breez Designs” with a phone number. I stare at one particular sculpture that looks like a mini windmill made out of rusted metal. The wind blows and the arms spin around. I zone out looking at it wishing it could hypnotize this day away from me and back to before Zach even showed up at our school.

“The 12:40 train to Penn Station is... ontime” The automated voice over the intercom wakes me up and I walk down the platform. I see a Capri cigarette butt on the ground. Nicole is the only person I know who smokes Capri’s. I’m sure there are some old ladies out there in the world who do also but I hope this means she went to the city today. I text her and she immediately responds:

“Yes, come meet me in the east village after school I want you to meet my new friend Ethan.”

She always was meeting new people from acting class or in the park. I always feel shy and young around her friends but reply that I’ll be on the next train and to text me the address.

I walk out of Penn Station and and head to the NR train to go downtown. The fall chill in the air so present on Long Island is replaced by the warmth of people and buildings. I immediately feel the buzz of urban energy and am comforted. I won’t tell Nicole what happened with Zach and Alexis today. I am just going to try to have fun and get drunk which is what I assume she is doing. It’s usually what Nicole is doing. I get off at 8th street and walk down to 5th street at Avenue C. My parents would be mad if I knew I was in the city. Whenever I come they need to know exactly where and what I will be doing, not to mention I’m cutting school. I’ll be sure to be home be dinnertime so they don’t suspect anything.

The building is five stories high and made of black brick. I think I’ve been here before with Nicole but I still get confused in these neighborhoods so it could have been another building entirely. I feel nervous as I ring the buzzer knowing there will be a round of introductions to new people inside. I try to gather myself and seem nonchalant as I walk into the hallway that smells overwhelmingly of cat pee. Someone has cracked the door so I just push it open.

“CECEEEEE!” Nicole shouts my name clapping her hands together. She is sitting on the far side of a table flanked by two guys. Not teenagers but not quite men yet either. One has a scruffy face and brown hair pulled back into a short ponytail and the other has the bluest eyes I have ever seen but looks oddly familiar. Off to the left some people in the livingroom are loudly laughing and talking. There are beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays everywhere, which I find repulsive but I guess that’s whats happens when you don’t have your parents nagging you to clean things up.

“NICOOOLLLEEE” I say back, quieter but with just as much enthusiasm.

“I want to get up and come hug you but i’m making this necklace over here. I’m getting crafty.” She holds up a long strand of beads which I see more of strewn about on the table among a bag of weed and a mirror with white residue next to a small piece of a straw. I’ve tried coke with Nicole before but I’m surprised to see that they had been doing some so early in the day. Maybe it was leftover from last night.

“Hi, I’m Ethan.” Blue Eyes stands up and drags over a chair to for me to sit on from the other side of the tiny kitchen.

“Celia. Thanks” I say sitting down. Ponytails name is Remey or Lemmy. I can’t understand what he is saying because he’s slurring so badly.

“Ethan was at the audition I went to last week for the new play I told you about. He’s going to play the buddha in it.”

I smile and laugh opening a beer. Woops, she’s not joking.

“Congrats.” I take a sip looking at him more closely. He looks nothing like the sculpture of the rolly poly buddha with kids climbing over him that sits on the counter of the Chinese take out restaurant at home. That much was obvious at my first look but now i notice the light sprinkling of freckles he has across his nose and something about his jaw makes me positive I’ve seen him before.

He smiles and asks in a light-hearted way why I think that’s funny.

“You just don’t look like the images of the buddha I’ve seen before.”

“You don’t think I look enlightened?” he laughs and I try to stammer out some explanation but he cuts me off touching my arm.

“No, it’s cool. I know what you mean.”

“What’s the play about?”

“Siddhartha’s life, the middle way, four noble truths. It starts when he leaves his kingdom at age 29. He had never seen old or sick people before.”

“He left his newborn son and kingdom to become a ascetic and find a way to relieve human suffering.” I add.

“Ah, You know the story.”

“Cece studies Yoga.” Nicole says drunkenly but continuing to string beads onto the long necklace she is making.

“Not really the same thing Nicole.” I shuffle around some of the beads on the table a bit embarrassed that Nicole told him that. Ethan smiles at me and I hope it is because he is impressed by my knowledge rather than thinking I am just a silly kid. I may be younger but at least sometimes I know what I’m talking about. Sometimes. I read the book for an optional summer reading this summer.

“Well, you should come see it. It’s set in present day giving it a relatable spin”

“Totally.” I reply and think that maybe he does seem buddha like in his attitude. Mellow and balanced. The vibe around him seems serene unlike the raucous energy coming from the living room.

“I’m gonna go see what craziness my roommate is conducting over there.” He pushes back his chair and gets up. Remey mumbles something about sleep and puts his head in his arms on the table. I feel kind of giggly from the beer and haven’t thought about Zach or Alexis for the thirty minutes I’ve been here. I wish I wasn’t keeping track of how often I’m thinking about it. More beer will fix that.

“Ce, come sit next to me.” I slide into the seat next to Nicole.

“Is he going to sleep there?” I am confused by this Remey guy and think he should be awake if they had been doing coke. That’s what it did to me anyway. Kept me awake for hours. I rearranged my bedroom three times then slept for an hour before I had to wake up and go to school the next day.

“He’s just a sleepy head.” Nicole pats his head, a muffled groan is his only response. “He hasn’t slept since last night from what I hear. When I first got here he was mixing margaritas for everyone but now he’s gotten a bit boring.” She whispers this last part turning her head to the side to make sure he can’t hear. “I wonder what happened to the tequila! We should do shots.” I laugh and say sure and she shifts in her chair to call Ethan back over. I hear a low sound similar to that of water running.

“Oh my god Ce.” Nicole says and starts laughing.

“What?”

“I think I’m peeing on myself”

“What!” I yelp getting up. She is laughing hysterically now. “Is that what that noise is? Maybe you should get up.” But now I’m laughing too. I look down at the ground. And fall to it laughing even harder.

“No you’re not Nicole! You’re spilling all the beads on the floor!”

A steady stream of beads is coming out of the bead bag Nicole has been holding in her lap. It has tilted to the side pouring hundreds of the tiny glass beads on the ground. Our laughter increases even more and I sit on the ground to try to pick them up.

“What’s so funny?” Ethan walks back into the room.

“Nicole. pee. the beads.” I can’t even get the words out I’m laughing so hard. He reaches for a bottle of tequilia from the top of the fridge.

“I don’t know if you girls even need this right now.” Still with the same smile from before he pours us all a shot. We all take one and our laughter dies down. I look over at Remey still asleep on the table and burst out laughing again and Nicole and Ethan join in.

A few hours later I decide I need to get going if I want to make it home by dinner.

“You should stay awhile longer. You don’t want to run into your dad on the way home.”

Nicole had a point, my dad did sometimes takes the rush hour train back to Long island from his office in Manhattan. But it was more likely he would take a train around 9pm so I decide to just risk it, avoiding panicked phone calls from my mom questioning my whereabouts on a Tuesday night. The cast in the kitchen had rotated. Remedy moved to the couch in the living room and a girl who had half her head shaved and her equally cool looking boyfriend were sitting with Ethan, Nicole and I. After I hug Nicole goodbye Ethan walks me out.

“If you want to come to the play I can get you a free ticket.”

“Ok. That sounds good.”

“Here,” he hands me his phone.”whats your number.”

I put it in and give him a hug goodbye.

“Are you sure you know where the train is?”

“Yes, thanks. Talk to you soon.”

I walk off and try not to zigzag across the sidewalk. I am definitely drunk. It is definitely 5 o’clock on a Tuesday. I definitely am going to end up with detention from missing all my afternoon classes. My thoughts switch back to earlier in the day and my conversation with Kyle. I feel dread at having to go back there. My afternoon was so fun. Everyone I met was interesting. Not the type of people to back stab their best friend like Alexis did to me. They are mature and older and do cool things like act in plays about the Buddha and drink tequila in the middle of the day.

Being lost in thought has taken me a different route back to the train. I turn up 9th street. On the left side of the I see a store called Enchantments I have never been inside of before. I look through the dusty window and try to make out what they sell. I still have time before my train so I got in. A bell tinkles as I open the door and a grey and black cat darts out in front of me. It smells like woodsy incense. The guy behind the counter doesn’t acknowledge me and continues to flip the pages of dusty looking book that’s in front of him. There is a wall display of thick pillar candles in different colors, twine wrapped around them holds notes that give directions for their use. I read a couple of them:

White- Use for peace, purity, power of a high nature.

Indigo - Use for cleansing, removes fear, can neutralize anothers magick or counteract negative energy

I slowly move to the a rack of books. Encyclopedia of Incantations. The Green Witch. Circles, Spells, and Rituals by the Moon. I flip through a few of them and the cat comes to rub up against my leg. The far back wall is lined with glass jars on wooden shelves. Valerian Root, Cat’s claw, Mugwort read some of the labels. I say hi to the counter guy as I crouch down to look in the glass display case he sits behind. I think he replies to me but I’m distracted by an incredible glow. It’s as if a white hole opened in the universe and light was shining through it.

“Can I see that” I get up and point inside the case to a pendent necklace. A long tarnished silver chain is attached to a flat silver triangle. Hanging below the triangle is a translucent blue green stone pulsing white light.

“The opal?” I look away from it and notice the counter guy has fangs and his skin looks like white porcelain. His eyes are jet black like his hair. My brain flipflops and I suddenly forget where I am. Have I crossed over into an alternate universe. I have been watching too many vampire tv shows, mom is right.

“Yeees, that one.” I try to wipe the confusion from my face. Obviously he’s not a real vampire. I am a bit drunk and giggle to myself under my breath for thinking such a ridiculous thought. Any one of the girls in my English class who read paranormal romance novels who run screaming now, I try to keep my cool. His manicured hand puts it in mine and the smooth triangle is colder than I expect. It’s inscribed very lightly with a word in letters and a language I don’t understand. The oval shaped opal is hanging below. I touch the stone’s surface and it glows through my fingers.

“How does it do that, that pulse?” I hadn’t really ment to say that outloud. I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid.

“Every stone carries it own vibration, like a magnetic pull, or push. Opal is linked to the heart, it can warm a broken one, help find true love and help someone accept change. It’s also a sensitive stone and if someone wears it while feeling negative emotions it can project that and compound the problem. Maybe it’s speaking to you” He says this all in a bored monotone, is he making fun of me? Can he read on my face the betrayal and hurt I feel from earlier in the day? I’m not sure if I buy Fangs description of a talking stone. I imagine the warmth of the stone melting my heart back together. Not for Zach but for Alexis, I am most hurt by her.

“What does the writing say?”

“Not sure. It’s in Sanskrit, an Indian customer told me that much. Sometimes people come into the store and trade us things. I wasn’t here the day it showed up.”

I’ve never wanted to possess a piece of jewelry so badly in my life. Typically I don’t wear any and find more than the row of studs going up my ear cumbersome but this is more magical than any necklace I have ever seen.

“Here” Fangs say and lifts it over my head. Had I spoken out loud again?

It is pleasantly heavy around my neck and somehow makes my feet feel rest more solidly on the ground. I reach down and hold the stone with both my hands and lift it up to eye level.

“How much is it?”

“$108”

The number of energy lines converging to form the heart chakra. My yoga teacher talked about chakra’s every once in awhile and I specifically remember that number, it seems so even, balanced.

“I think the owner priced it at that because that’s the amount of energy lines in the human body that form the heart chakra.” Fangs really has a way of reading my mind. “Or maybe she just really likes that TV show Lost, you know, because they always use it on there?”

I smile, that’s cute that he’s trying to make a joke. Even if it’s a bad one that I don’t understand because I’ve never watched Lost. So he’s not too cool for TV then. I take the necklace off and hand it back to him. I don’t have the money and will have to babysit at least four times to make enough. I wonder if it will it still be here then.

“If it’s ment to be it will be here when you come back.”

I’m starting to be freaked out by Fangs mind-reading and should really get going. Does he know I’m thinking this?

“Thanks, it’s really,.. beautiful.” The word doesn’t do it justice.

“And powerful.” He adds putting it back in the case.

“Thanks again.”

“Sure.” He gives a half smile and nod and I catch a glimpse of his fangs for the last time before I turn and walk out the door.

I’ve been wavering between a numbness, a fuzzy feeling in my head, heartbreak that moistens my eyes with tears and exhaustion from avoiding Alexis, Zach, and Kyle. Finally it’s Friday but because I have been isolating myself so much, even from Jessica and our other friends, I don’t have plans to do anything tonight. I have no idea if there’s a party or anything else going on. I’m too exhausted to hang out with Nicole and wish I just had someone to sulk with and watch a movie. I hear the key in the front door of the house and I lower my stereo. The only album i’ve listened to all week is Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails, Courtney had introduced Alexis and I to them and we both became obsessed with Trent Reznor. We would talk about what awful person made him feel that bad to write such pained lyrics and how we wanted to comfort him. Now it’s different, I understand every lyric he sings, I’m hurting and miserable and feel mired in darkness just like him. I wander downstairs from my bedroom to see my mom and Emma coming through the front door.

“Hi Cece! Today in school we had cupcakes, and lollipops, and ice cream for all the Fall birthdays! Not my birthday, but Billy’s birthday, and Martha’s birthday....” Emma continues to rattle off a list of names as she walks into the living room to her toy chest.

“Wow, aren’t you a lucky girl.” I doubt she hears me.

“Too much sugar,” my mom says shaking her head, struggling with the door and grocery bags. “Has your father called?”

“No.”

“Well, I assume he will be home late again.”

“When is he not.” I say it and wish I could take it back immediately. She looks exhausted and I try to think about the last time I have actually seen her and my father in the same room together for more than 20 minutes. My birthday in the summer? I have barely seen him between his business trips and late nights working. Sometimes I forget he even exists. “I’ll take those.” I grab the grocery bags and take them to the kitchen and help her put the groceries away.

“Thank you Celia. What do you have planned tonight?”

“I don’t know, I’m pretty exhausted from school this week. I think I am just going to watch some TV.” I know she’s hiding her surprise. I usually go out with friends every chance I can get.

“That’s nice honey. Well, I was just going to order pizza since I didn’t think you would be home for dinner.”

“That’s fine. I’m not that hungry anyway. Do you think you can drive me to Yoga tomorrow morning?”

She closes the fridge door and looks at me smiling. “Of course honey.”

I know she’s pleased. I walk back upstairs am surprised myself. I hadn’t planned before to go to yoga but it just popped out, maybe it will help me feel better for an hour or at least distract me from the racket in my brain. I go to my mom’s home office where the computer is and sign on to Facebook. I click around and look at Alexis’s page (status: blank) Kyle’s (Meet Me at the Moontower, a reference to a 90’s movie about the 70’s) Nicole’s (stitches and brews, maybe she’s crafting and drinking beer again.) I update my status for the first time in a few months: “you know I can see what you really are” and I post a link to the You Tube video of the Nine Inch Nails song The Ruiner that it’s a lyric from. I’m tempted to tag Alexis in it but decide against it. She’ll know it’s directed at her. I hope so anyway. I know she has every word to that album memorized, we both do. I snap the computer off and go watch tv.