What is your opinion?
Chilling
"Although it happened just as I expected it, it was quite enjoyable. I liked the inner dialogue of the main character and the way he carried himself, but I thought that we should have gotten to know more about the character. I hope that you will add more to this. :) Good luck in the contest!"
A Double Cheeseburger and a Funeral
"Your opening dialogue is great. I’m immediately drawn into the rhythm of the piece, and delighted by the inappropriate irreverence of the couple on their way to a funeral. I see that this is part of a larger story about a man killing his way to the family fortune-- what an exciting idea for a twisted protagonist! It's a premise I'd be inclined to read, looking forward to each murder with twisted sense of glee, wondering when or if he'll get caught. Great idea! Critically speaking, a little more subtlety. would be nice. I wanted to slowly suspect that he might be the murderer, not have it handed to me so clearly. I agree with JLM that the story could be rounded out a little, but for different reasons. He's being investigated, so it feels like he didn't get away with it (even the sister is screaming at him at the funeral), but those moments actually make him feel triumphant instead of threatened, so i need a little more to understand why that's the case. I look forward to seeing where you go with this!"
Nice pun
"This is my opinion so please, please, please take it with a grain of salt but I personally thought this piece could have used a little more rounding out. I didn't really get a feel for the main character so I didn't end up caring about anything that happened. Maybe if you lengthened out the first conversation and got the reader to like the MC and know him better, it would be more effective. Why did he hate Dan? Was it just for the money? I would have liked to see more motive But otherwise, a nice read :) I liked the pun at the end. It was very humourous and a nice punch to end on Good luck in the contest!!"
