Attention: Lost Marbles

Reward if you find my marbles. I seem to have lost them. There are 24 of them total, and they’re glass (I think) and teal in colour. Actually, there are probably about 16 of them. Maybe less. Closer to seven. Yes, seven marbles, possibly made of glass, and teal. But a few are red. And there’s a green one too. No, wait. I lost that one. Well, I lost all of them, but I lost that one first, so it won’t be with the rest of them.

I lost my marbles a long time ago, I think, but didn’t get a chance to put out an ad until today, because I just figured out they were missing. In fact, the sales clerk at Pier One Imports told me. I don’t know why or how she knew, but as I was checking out, she murmured it and I immediately knew she was right. That’s why I shop at Pier One. The employees are so accommodating. They also sell vanilla-apple candles. That’s my favourite candle small. The flame is always a little bit brighter when I burn a vanilla-apple candle. Maybe it likes the smell too, but I don’t know. I don’t normally talk to inanimate objects, but my friend Ashley does. There was this one time in Germany when she dropped her fork and yelled “No, stupid! Stay on the plate!” Germany was fun, but I don’t think that’s where my marbles are. As a matter of fact, I don’t know where I left them. I guess that’s why they’re lost. I know I took them to Florida with me last month. I went to Disney World, which happens to be my favourite place in the entire world. I mean, where else can you find a castle complete with Princess and her Prince Charming? Besides all of the other Disney locations throughout the world. I went to Disney Land once, but I don’t remember it. I do remember bringing my marbles home from Florida, though. Well, all but one. I lost one on the spinning tea cups. That’s why I only have four left.

After Florida, I stayed home a lot. I don’t like people much, They talk funny and look weird. I like cats better. They’re cute and cuddly and very easy to talk to. My cat Fluffypaws understands me better than anyone. I didn’t always have Fluffypaws. I used to have a kitten named Ripper. Ripper was a good companion, but he liked to eat strange objects. I remember once he ate my great-great-great-great-granndmother’s pearl earrings, but I got them back after he was partially cremated. Ripper also ate my marbles once, but I got those back too. Don’t ask how, you don’t want to know. The last person who wanted to know was my mailman. He hasn’t touched my mailbox since then. That’s okay though. I abhor getting mail. Whenever I open it, I get paper cuts, and if there’s anything I hate more than getting mail, it’s paper cuts. And people. And teenagers. Teenagers aren’t people. They’re far too stupid, always listening to their “iPods” and talking on their “cell phones”, all while “talking” to “other” “teenagers” saying, “Yo, wad up dog?” I don’t like dogs much, but I love my Fluffypaws. He had to go to the vet last Sunday. I thought I may have left my marbles there, but when called to ask, they said no. However, they did give a number to call. They said it’s some guy named Crazy Percy. I don’t think I’ll call Percy, though. You see, my favourite book series it the Harry Potter series, and in the books, there is a character named Percy who is a wool-headed git. He reminds me of my cousin Alfred.

Alfred is 123 years old. He lives with me, but it completely useless. All he does is sit in my chair all day long. He smells bad too, kind of dead. I told him to take a shower once, but all he did was glare. Sometimes I think the lights are on, but no one’s home. Or maybe the lights are off, but someone’s home. Who knows? Not I, but if you do, please let me know. My number is 2156181505. Also call if you find my marbles. Or even if you just want to talk. Unless of course, you’re a person. Or a teenager. Or a dog. Thank you!