A quiet death

I lie down on my bed. There’s a bitter taste in my mouth. In my mind I’m wondering if she will ever come back to see me again. If she ever thinks about me when I’m not around. More importantly, if she even cares about me...

My name is Kitsune - /kit’soon(nay)/ - Sugiyama. I am suicidal.

I live in Tokyo, Japan. My mother abandoned me when I was 7. I was the only child. My mother was very kindhearted. She loved me very much...She had beautiful red straighten hair, with nice wonderful brown eyes.

She spoiled me with everything I wanted. She was the perfect kind of parent. But, after my father died.. even as a little boy I could tell she changed. She started acting weird towards me. Like if she would just take everything inside of her.. anger, sadness.. on me.

My father died of lung cancer when I was 6.. My father was a very hard working man. If he had the chance, he’d probably work himself to death anyway. But when my father died, The moment my mother heard the news from the doctors... She broke down crying and I could remember it like it was yesterday.

She started doing drugs, coming home late... Soon she became depressed. One day she never came home. I was forced to stay with foster parents.

I was told she committed suicide in a forest. It’s been 8 years since. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have 4 other “siblings” living with me. Their names are Eriya, Kathy, Riku, and Himari. My foster parent names are Core and Sakai.

Riku and Himari are the twins. (And also the youngest) They are both 11 years old. Huge pests by the way. Eriya Is 17 and Kathy is 16. I’m 15 years old.

You might be thinking that I’m too young to be thinking about suicidal thoughts. And that I haven’t “lived” life to the fullest. But, to be honest I couldn’t give 2 shits about life.

What is life even about? Why are we here?

If you’re wondering if I believe in god.. then here’s your answer. No, I don’t believe in any type of god. Nor will I ever.

I was bullied in grade school, and I still do in high school. By Some asshole named Tora.

I’ve gotten in 26 fights with this dude in the past 6 years. Crazy right? We got into one a few weeks ago.

As I yell “Get off my fucking book bag jerk.”

“No way you fucking queer, Where the hell is my payment for today?

“I don’t owe you shit.”

“Oh yes, you do. I said to bring about 2400 ¥ yesterday dipshit”.

“You don’t control me! I don’t have to bring anything for you.”

He finally gets a hold of my book bag and doesn’t see any money.

He punches me in the face and pushes me on the ground.

He kick’s my stomach and then my face over and over until my face is covered in blood. Finally, a teacher stops him.

When I get home my foster mom asks me what happened.

I ignore her and go straight to my room. This is the point in my life where I started cutting myself.

Later that night when everybody was asleep. I called a suicide hotline. I told them everything that happened that day with Tora. I was hoping.. just hoping it would make me feel less.. miserable.

The next day I wake up, I go to school and I see my best friend Kaito. Kaito was my only friend. He supported me when my mother killed herself. He's the only person that I feel like I still have in my life.

"Hey, your bruises are healed I see." He says.

"Yep, and I see he's still suspended. Considering I don't see that ugly motorcycle of his"

"Yeah, I hope he and that trash doesn't come back." He laughs.

Kaito was always happy. Which made me confused at sometimes. His father died in a car accident and his sister killed herself last summer. Was he hiding his feelings inside? I didn't know. Maybe at home, he was completely different.

Few weeks past by and still no Tora. I didn't think he got expelled over some dumb kid like me no one knew about anyway.

Few more weeks past by and its summer vacation. I haven't seen or heard from Kaito for some time now. And he hasn't responded to my text I recently sent about 4 days ago. I hope he's alright.

My chest feels...Heavy. It feels like I have a mountain on it. A few more days go by. Still no answer from Kaito. I start to feel extremely worried.