Thea's Story
Glass breaking. People screaming. Doors slamming. Noise everywhere. I try to block it out, but I can’t. I just want to go to sleep. Thoughts racing. Pulling on the space camp sweatshirt. The air biting my cheeks. My feet pounding on the gravel. Dodging horns.
All of a sudden, I’m standing at her door with my hand pulled into a fist. The wind is blowing my hair around and I’m trying to decide whether or not to knock. Then, I look away again, because why would she ever want to see me? Of all people… And I’m pulled back to reality as my hand slides down the cool door and I sigh, defeated. Then, I hear a click behind me and I see those eyes again… sparkling back at me.
“Thea,” Gray smiles as she opens the door.
“Gray,” I mutter, looking down and staring at my shoes again. Blue and green mismatched flipflops. What I managed to pull on. Her face softens when I look up again.
“Are you okay?”
Those three words immediately cause my heart to speed up. Keep it in, Theodora. Don’t let anyone know. Your feelings don’t matter. My father’s always been right. And I’ve always been wrong.
“I’m fine,” I manage to gulp out, before turning to hide the tears.
“You show up at my house in the middle of the night and you’re obviously crying and you say you’re fine?!”
“I… umm… came to check on you…” I trail off with an awful excuse, but she just shakes her head and pulls me inside.
“Well, I had the WORST dream, and I just couldn’t sleep, so I was sitting on the couch and writing.”
She’s start writing more lately. Says it helps. Her poetry is beautiful… and she’s beautiful and… well… I wish I could pretend this all away, because it would make life a whole lot simpler. It would be a whole lot simpler to let go again. That’s why I let go the first time. Because I was afraid. I still have her stuff, hidden in my desk drawers. Ryker, her knight in shining armor, gave it to me, afraid that she’d use it again. But her scars are fading on the outside, and they seem to be fading on the inside too. Me, however… I’m not sure.
“Sit.” She jumps onto the couch and pats the spot next to her. My palms get sweaty as I slowly move across the room to get next to her. My arms start burning and I want to take off my sweatshirt, but I can’t. The bruises would show.
“So,” I choke out, taking a deep breath. Calm down, Theodora. Calm down. Get a grip. She grins at me and I blush, hard. Butterflies dancing in my stomach, regret spilling out of my eyes. And that’s it. I bite my lip as hard as I can and slam my eyes shut, until I taste sour and salty blood on my tongue. All I can see is the darkness. I’m all alone again.
Glass breaking. Screaming. Door slamming. Laughter. Whispers in the hall. Staring at the stars. Gray’s standing there and brushes my hair out my face. Blushing until my face is pink. She leans in and… happily ever after, just like all the stories.
But, I don’t deserve a story. I don’t get a happy ending. That’s reserved for the princesses and fairies, not the girls like me… the ones who fall in love with the princess who’s already found her knight in shining armor.
“You’re nervous, Thea. You always bite your lip when you’re nervous. What’s wrong?” Her voice startles me out of my head. I shake my head, still trying to stare at the ground until there’s a hole in it. My problems don’t matter. She does. She’s the only thing that does.
“Nothing,” I whisper, trying to continue where I left off, “So… tell me about your bad dream.”
“So…” Her eyes light up, and I’m lost in them again.
Stories and dreams she tells me, that I want to come true. For the sake of the light behind her eyes. Laughter. Blushing, of course. The exhaustion and the weight of the day hitting me. Collapsing back onto the couch. Her, drifting off in my arms. Dreaming again, peaceful and quiet. And not alone.
And I’m back on the porch, sitting while my mother’s braiding my hair, staring off into the street. 12 years old, but I knew about the ugliness of the world. But my mother was singing and whispering to me.
“Oh, Thea. My beautiful, beautiful girl.”
And I’m back in that yellow hospital room, covered with her favorite movie posters, with Gray looking at me like I’m the most beautiful thing in the world. Like I’m her happy ending. Not true. Not true. Failure. Ugly. Awful. Don’t deserve this. But, with Gray’s hands intertwined with mine and her hair falling onto my chest… well, I’m tempted to say what’s on my mind.
“I…” Get a grip, Theodora. The screaming and the glass breaking and the door slamming. All my fault. All my fault. Can never do anything right. Failure. What would happen when they found out? The sound of the slap. The glass breaking again. Everything loud. No escape. Ever. Never mind, never mind. I wish I could take it back. Maybe she didn’t hear me.
But, I said it too loudly. She sits up, sleepily and reaches for my face.
“Mmmm… what? It’s only… 4.”
“Never mind. I think I’m going home now.”
Gray sits up straight, “That’s what it is, isn’t it? You don’t want to go home… is everything OK?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I mutter, staring at the ground. Cody told me that when I lie, my eyes get smaller, so I look away, just in case she can tell.
“Are you sure you’re OK? I can wake up Alicia and she can drive you…”
“Too late. I’m awake already. What do you need, Thea?” Alicia walks down the stairs.
You don’t need anything. Nobody can help you. Hopeless. Helpless. Weak. Can’t defend yourself. Don’t deserve it.
“I need to go home.”
7 minutes later, walking down my driveway, staring at my shoes. Leaves crackling under my feet. Gripping the doorknob. The fear staring in my hands and shaking its way all over my body until I can’t breathe.
I close my eyes and imagine her. Bright, amber eyes that crinkle when she smiles. The peal of laughter she lets out whenever she’s tickled. Her “fatal” weakness. The way my knees turn to jelly and my cheeks burn like a fireplace whenever she looks at me. And I’m calm again. I can breathe again. Everything’s OK. As I walk through the room, shaking as my foot sinks into the carpet, my father walks out of his room, towering in the hall. I back up as he walks closer to me.
“Who do you think you are, staying out so late?”
Glass breaking. Screaming. Door slamming. The feeling I get when I’m in the same room as him. Fear. The word leaves a metallic taste in my mouth, causing me to gag.
“I was… at Gray’s house.”
“Gray? Gracelyn McLean?!” He yells at me, and I shrink back into the darkness again, nodding. Failure. Failure. All your fault. My father continues yelling, but I can’t hear, repeating the words he’s always saying.
“James. You’ll wake the neighbors!” I see my mother staggering out of the darkness too, glaring at me and leaning against a door, my father towering over her. She doesn’t care about me. She doesn’t care about the fear I’m feeling, or the metallic taste, or how the darkness and the words keep closing in on me. But who should? I don’t deserve it. I know.
“I don’t care if I’ll wake them!” His arm swings through the air and I flinch, closing my eyes when it makes contact with her face.
“So, sneaking out in the middle of the night to visit your ‘friends’?” He uses the word friends sarcastically and sneers at me. As if I’d ever have friends. I don’t deserve them. Even though he doesn’t say it, I know what he means.
“She was… she needed me.” I whisper, trying not to say that I needed her too. Maybe the words are written on my face. I’ve always been stellar about hiding my emotions, but around my father… I fall apart with fear.
“Needed you, did she? What type of friend “needs” another one in the middle of the night?”
A girl who is falling apart. A girl whose life is full of screaming and glass breaking and door slamming. A girl who’s always afraid. Me. I’m just a girl. And, maybe… just maybe, I don’t deserve this.
“I did.” I say, filling the quiet space, full of glares and darkness.
“So what are you now? A failure, an idiot, an ugly mess… and now, a hom…”
“Yes, Dad,” my voice is shaking, but it’s loud and everything’s floating. I hate that word, and I won’t let him finish it. He’s speechless, so I continue.
“I’m in love with her, OK? She’s… she’s my happy ending. I may be a failure, I may be an ugly mess, but Gray makes me feel beautiful.”
“No daughter of mine should be… you know…” He’s trying to find the words as my mom walks out again, maybe planning to lecture me about my outburst.
“It’s called being in love, James.” I glare at him.
“You don’t speak to your father that way!” My mother yells as he lunges across the room towards me, grabbing for me. I know what’s going to happen and I can feel the slap, closing my eyes tight, so all I can see is the darkness again. I start breathing fast and the world is spinning. My head hurts and I can’t speak as I wait for the cold, sharp pain.
But, it doesn’t come, and I open one eye and see Cody standing in front of me, blocking me from his hands. My father knows more than to hit a boy. Especially a boy like Cody who fights back. Cody. The one who makes me laugh, the one who’s always protecting me. When did he get here? How did he know? Then, I feel arms sliding around my shoulders and pulling me in.
“Why are you here?” I say into her shoulder.
“I was worried, so I called them over… you didn’t tell me things were this bad,” Gray whispers into my ear when I look up at her.
Worried. She’s worried about me. For some reason, that word makes my heart beat faster and the blushing start again. Because someone- she- cares. Even though she shouldn’t.
Leaning over her in the hospital bed. Crying my eyes out into her chest. Begging her to forgive me. She’s always there. She’s always been there. And now, she’s here. I wouldn’t believe my eyes, if it wasn’t for the way she’s holding me, and I’m squeezing her back like there’s no tomorrow.
But, then I see Ryker behind her, and I feel his hand on my arm. His big eyes are blinking down at me. Of course he is. He’s… he’s perfect. Gray doesn’t deserve anything less. And I will never be perfect, like him. I’m too weak, too ugly, too much of a failure, too afraid, too… broken for that.
“Fine. Take her away.” My father stalks back to his room, muttering curses. Like a shadow, my mother drifts off behind him.
“Dang,” Ryker mutters under his breath, slinging an arm around my shoulder while Gray takes my other hand.
“If there’s one thing I hate more than moldy cheese, it’s homophobic jerks who beat up their family,” Cody says as I get dragged out of the apartment, still feeling weightless and confused. Not happening. Not real. Not real. I’m going to wake up and everything will be loud. Screaming. Glass breaking. Door slamming.
I’m breathing fast again and my legs start shaking. I try to stay still but I can’t. Gray squeezes me tighter and I lean into her, the tears dripping from my eyes, bouncing off my nose and cheeks onto her shirt.
“C’mon, Thea. You’re OK. I’m here. It will be OK. Let’s go home.”
All I want is to go home… all I want is to be with her. So, I breathe again. I brace myself, I stop shaking and I just lean into her.
Laughter. Smiling. Blushing. Cars zooming. Hands intertwined. Collapsing on the couch and crying my eyes out. Being afraid they’re going to leave. But feeling finally at peace when they stay. I’m finally home. And I’m waking up on the couch. Leaning into Gray’s shoulder with Cody’s arm slung around my shoulder. Ryker’s leg on my lap.
Alicia and Ms. Nielsen walk down the stairs, laughing at each other and whispering.
“Well, it’s time to drive you to school,” Ms. Nielsen says, smiling down at me.
Talking. Singing. Music playing. Gray’s hands in my hair. Laughter. Doors opening for me. Then, standing in the hall, with the light bouncing off of Gray’s eyes.
“It’s really hot in here,” she mutters, and starts to pull off her jacket. I see the eyes attracted to her, like magnets. Staring at the scars zig zagging down her arms.
Fear bubbling up in my throat. Metallic taste in my mouth. Anticipating the laughter and the jeers. Wanting to save her. Maybe I can be her knight just this once.
I stare down at my gray sweatshirt and mess with the zipper. Should I? Should I? Then I see her, standing alone and afraid, and my heart melts. She doesn’t deserve to be alone and afraid. And, maybe I don’t either. So, I let my hands slowly unzip my sweatshirt. I let my feet move me towards her and take her hand. I feel the eyes moving towards me, staring at the bruises.
But I don’t care. Because she staring at me, and I don’t regret any of this. For once, I feel beautiful. I’m in love. Gray’s blinking up at me, like she remembers something like this.
“Hey, Gray?” I ask, and she nods, so I continue, my voice shaking.
“Gray? I think… I mean, I’m…”
Ryker and Cody walk out of the crowd towards us, and her eyes are brimming with tears. Without saying anything, she throws her arms around me.
“I know, Thea. You don’t have to say anything.” She’s whispering in my ear.
Blushing. Grinning. Cody’s arms wrapping around my left shoulder. Ryker’s hand brushing my neck. Tears full of fear, happiness, misery. Tears full of everything. Safe. No more glass breaking or screaming or door slamming.
I feel beautiful and I deserve this.
And they all lived
happily
ever
after.
