Johnny Boy

He didn’t remember too many things about his mother. He remembered feeling loved and protected, but he was starting to forget what she looked like.

John looked out the window. It was going to be another hot one. He was glad for the air conditioning. This summer had been especially dry and hot, which left him feeling listless and depressed. The thought of moving struck him again, but then again, what was the point?

John was not a motivated man. He had been at one time, but life had kicked the crap out of him too many times for him to remember. Sometimes it all did not even seem worth it. His mother had been a wonderful woman. She was loving and always encouraged him.

“You can be whatever you want to be, Johnny” she would say. “Life isn’t easy, but as long as you have people who love you and that brain of yours, you will go far.”

John had believed her. He thought he could go far and he did, for a while. He excelled in school and in sports. He had friends and was popular. Then, when he was 16, she passed away. Suddenly, she was gone. His whole world, gone. He did not think anything could hurt as much as that did. His whole world turned upside down. It had seemed that while his mother was alive, the world was a kind place. She brought beauty and love. She would encourage him and give him constant support. His mother was an angel, dropped here by heaven, and then ripped from his arms.

Life became a series of constant disappointments and unhappy endings.

John tried to find someone who loved him like his mother. Often people told him that to find love, he had to first love himself. John searched himself and found nothing. All he found was an empty vessel, that somehow his mother had kept full while she was here.

Now, she was gone, and he wished many times he was gone too. He did not want to commit suicide as that just seemed so wrong. If there was a God, he did not want to go to hell for committing suicide. He just wished the Lord would take him. He wanted to be with his mother again. He could remember the love, the security she gave him. Whenever he felt down, she would lift him up. He knew life was not an easy thing. He read on the internet all the sayings people posted about how hard life was. Until he was 16, he had not had to worry about that. She took care of him, she protected him, and he did not have to learn life’s lessons repeatedly.

When his mother was taken from him, he was thrust out into the cold world. A world where people did not care who he was or what he had been through.

Sure, there had been the original sympathy when she passed, but as time went on, that became less and less. Friends, or those he thought were his friends, would tell him it was time to move on, get on with his life. They would let him know that life was not a free ride.

When John graduated at 18, he decided it was better to go to work than to go to college. College was a wait to get paid, a long time and more school. A job seemed like the best option. It turned out that was not an easy road either. He had a home, she had left him that, but that was about it. There was no money, so to survive, he had to work.

John found a job at the local lumber mill. He managed to work his way quickly up to manager, as work was all he had, and he put his heart and soul into getting ahead.

Then, there was nowhere to go. No way to move up, nothing more. Work and getting ahead had been his focal point, now it was just the same thing, day after day. It became drudgery, it became a reflection of his life, his heart. He then began to dwell on his mother’s death and his meaningless life.