Chapter 1
НETLOVE.2.0
Keeping up with current trends, I made myself an online dating profile. Hardly any of the info on it is true, however, I have given my exact age – 50. During an evening surfing session, I came across something intriguing. Someone with the user name Danielle Steel messaged me. Hilarious. As mine was Stephen King, I had no choice but to play on.
Steel: ‘Size? Do you 69?’
King: ‘Good evening, kind lady.’
Steel: ‘Don’t beat around the bush.’
King: ‘Excuse me? Is not my age, as truthfully stated here as it is, a sufficient hint of my old school affiliations? Also, I do not share my intimate measures or experience with strangers on the web.’
Steel: ’Wacky grandpa, not even the hungriest fish will take your bait here. Get lost.’
King: ‘This kind of wording does not really suit someone calling herself Danielle Steel.’
Steel: ’Neither does playing the virgin poet card suit someone calling himself Stephen King. I either get a pic of your erection and a full-body one in the next 3 minutes, or you’re getting blocked. I don’t do losers and I am not kidding.’
As you might have guessed already, I was the one to block her. Filled with a sense of disgust, I erased the memory of the 10-ish minutes I’d wasted on that conversation.
A couple of days later, on the same website, a Little Red Riding Hood messaged me.
Riding Hood: ‘Hi, Stevie.’
Me: ‘Hello and good evening, thank you for showing interest.’
Riding Hood: ‘Actually, it’s me – Danielle Steel – this is my new user name. I didn’t think I would ever find a man online to spurn me. They all just keep threatening to do it, but don’t stop flooding me with pics. You’ve raised my interest so I am messaging you again.’
Me: ‘I don’t waste time on pitiful vulgar bitches like you, I am sorry.’
Riding Hood: ’What is it that you waste your time on, then? What are you doing on a dating website?’
Me: ‘Okay, I will have to use this way to get rid of you. I seek communication, a little chat and a real date for intimacy and sex.’
Riding Hood: ’Let’s go on a date then. ‘No strings attached’, as they say, haha.’
Me: ‘OK.’
I will spare you the particularities of our arrangement. Although, I have long gained the power of knowing nothing is what is seems on the web, and that owls are not what they are, I bought in. I made a reservation for two at a nice restaurant and 2 days later, around 7 PM, I was standing in front of it, holding a bouquet of white roses. It was a matter of taste and style. Having waited for 20 minutes already, I handed the roses to the valet instructing him to give them to the lady, in case she appeared and asked for our reservation. I went inside and sat down waiting. A beer, a glass of white wine and 2 vodkas later, no one had turned up. It was high time I went home to go to bed. First thing I did was go to my computer and block Little Red Riding Hood, too.
Same website, several days later.
User vulgar slut messaging me.
Slut: ’Hi Stephen. I would like you to know that I find you to be an attractive and comely man with refined aesthetics and a great car. I am the riding hood. I did come to our date, took my time to eye you up, incognito and from afar. I did this because I wasn’t sure what to expect and whether or how I wanted to continue it or not. I owe you one for not introducing myself and I have a proposition for you. Tomorrow, at 11.00 AM, I will be at the Atomic Centre bus stop on Tsarigradsko Shosse Bul, on Metro’s side. I imagine you picking me up in your car, driving up to the ring road and finding an appropriate place for me to give you a blowjob. This will be my paying off and calling it a tie. If you decide to take up on this offer, be punctual. I will not wait longer than 15 seconds after 11.00.’
I didn’t even reply. I blocked the slut right away. I hate being played, that’s why.
Yet, the little bitch had calculated it well. She gave me 24 hours to toy with the idea. I went over it multiple times. It played out like this: ‘It couldn’t be a trap. Worst case she isn’t there. I go, driving up I see the red hood and if she looks in her late 20s, I stop and pick her up. If she’s younger, I don’t. A person of my age shouldn’t pass down so easily on an adventure-blowjob like this one. Even if they are feeling a little bit of fear and disgust at the same time. Besides, the old BMW seemed to still be doing well.’
The next day, I did a casual estimation of traffic. I ‘happened’ to pass by our meting spot at 10.58. The red beret caught the eye from afar. Beneath it, a voluptuous body in black gothic outfit emerged. She looked in her 20s. Thank goodness, she didn’t have any piercings or visible tattoos. I would have been repulsed.
I stop and swing the door to the shotgun seat open.
‘Danielle Steel?’
‘It’s me, Stephen.’
The lady gets on, I start the car and no later than a couple of seconds she is already showing off a naughty left hand. What I mean is she puts it on my hip and slides it up.
‘My intent is to bring you pleasure without expecting anything in return from you.’
‘So you are saying you’ve decided to have sex like a man?’
‘I’ll get as modernist as not even showing you my boobs.’
‘What if instead of the ring road I took you home, locked you up and fucked you for days? Until I got tired of it. What would you say to that?’
‘Mwahahahaha,’ the riding hood snickers in my face. ‘If you were the violent type, Stevie, you wouldn’t have been wearing a light summer suit, a white shirt and a purple tie on, and you wouldn’t have this air of French elegance about you. That’s what you wore when waiting for me in front of the restaurant, wasn’t it? A man who plans to order me around and have selfish sex, who uses and abuses, prefers dark colours. I am certain about my safety and my freedom of will around you.’
I’ve always claimed that the most satisfying sex comes from the brain. Seconds ago, I only saw my companion was a playmate to relief all tension with, but she promoted herself to the rank of a woman suitable for intellectual communication as well. This drove me crazy and I stiffened up.
The little slut sensed this and went to the next level. What I mean is, she unzipped my pants and started playing with my tool while I was driving. Damn it. I love this kind of play. I didn’t even think of pulling off, parking, shattering all risk and pleasure. I only slowed down, kept driving straight ahead instead of taking a turn to Kambanite and gave myself completely up to her fingers. Until and if I managed to get a relief. Danielle sensed this, too. We were playing an accident, a bitten cock and a total body relief in an ultimate stress situation.
She made an acrobat and a circus clown out of me but I poured out all over the place in the end. On my pants, on the seat, on the upholstery, in her mouth. I liked it when she gulped down the liquid that got inside of her. Once I’d come, I pulled up by the sidewalk. I looked into her eyes. Devilish flames were flashing in them, saying: ‘I did rock your world, you old bastard, didn’t I?’ I must have had as devilish a look myself, as she smiled and giggled at me. I didn’t see the reason why.
‘What now?’
’Now? Nothing. We go back to where we started, you go back to your wife, to your job, to your next night out drunk with your friends and to whatever else you feel like doing.’
‘Right now I feel like buying you a glass of wine or whatever you choose and your heart desires.’
‘I wouldn’t be too thrilled if your wife called in the middle of our coffee asking where you were.’
’No risk there, she is an ex. She doesn’t have a say in where I am or what I am doing. At any time.’
‘I suddenly feel like having coffee. Take me somewhere we can sit down and chat.’
‘What about the restaurant with the white roses?’
‘Deal.’
We are riding again. I am focused on driving smoothly. The lady next to me does not light a cigarette, does not play any music on the radio and is not having fun. At some point, she decides to speak out.
‘How come a man of your looks and abilities is left without current supervision and difficult family?’
I answer with a rhyme, although it’s not mine, but Shandor Petefi’s:
“Liberty and love
These two I must have.
For my love I’ll sacrifice
My life.
For liberty I’ll sacrifice
My love.”
’It’s a matter of circumstance and shocks in society’ I go on. ‘One day, I would have money, the next I wouldn’t, and that’s not something that does your relationship much good.’
‘I feel like we are going to stay in each other’s lives for a while,’ she replies and fixes me with a stare. Oddly enough, I felt the same.
