Chapter 1
Never in a million years would I have thought I would be the other woman. But, loneliness makes people do crazy things. Are well introverts here; at Starbucks? Sitting in our bubbles - a smile, a nod, a shiver of sexual tension and curiosity between strangers. We probably have more in common with each other than our own flesh and blood. We each sit; the hot graying dad of two, the old men playing checkers speaking some language that flings spit from their chin with every vowel, the girl with the embarrassing parents who know me as the “nursing student”. We pass nervous glances and furrowed eyebrows, like a secret society sending out a code, whenever a strange person comes in and gives our baristas a hard time. Who are we…are we all introverts here?
Allen is enjoying his weekend with the girl he is unhappy with but afraid to let go. Dreaming of a white fence and a girl busting her ass in a garden or something just as charming and American. Grayson, he is on some other planet, chasing me so much I want to hide in the stars and enjoy his worship like a goddess. And Liam, illusive and seductive, a mystery with hollow cheeks, heavy eyes and a persistent manly cough…and not for not the reason you may think. Not all bikers smoke. Yet Liam managed to pick the one hobby with a crowd that can do the most harm possible to his already rotting lungs. Jackson, my brother and the oldest of us three who made it out. Riley and Luke, forever in love. My mother that cunt and her boyfriend of the month. The uncle of mine who I can’t tell is using me for drugs, actually wants to see me, is just as lonely as I am. These are the people of concern in my life. Right now.
I bribe Grayson with a flirty text to get about a dozen Norco from him. Maybes he’s fucked that girl, maybe not, but he’ll do it for me. Allen likes me a mess, a damsel begging to be saved. It turns him on, but - HOLY FUCK. The DILF just came up and talked to me. Totally scored my number, seriously only because he mentioned buying me sushi, and his beach house in La Jolla, oh and he’s an investor so, maybe a shopping spree is in my future.
Meanwhile all I can think about is kissing Liam and doing lines off his rock hard stomach and waving goodbye to him 5 years from now when I head to the hospital to work my 12 hour shift. These are my aspirations. Right now.
Did I mention the DILF has a master’s in chemistry? He has to be loaded, and have a wife or recently divorced. My heart races for second thinking about what I’d do if he did take me to sushi and tried to force himself into me, or said something scary, or if I was drunk enough and I followed him to his car where he rolled up the windows then locked the door. It’s both flattering, and terrifying, when someone offers to flay you alive and wear your skin.
Grayson has this way of numbing me like a tap on the forehead, over and over again. That's illegal in some countries. But, I wait for his reply while wiping the lipstick off my coffee cup, keeping my nose down so as not to strike up conversation with the hot dad again.
Whenever I hear from Liam, I freeze. I can feel my pupils stretch my eyeball in the dry spots and for a second my heart races then it stops until he responds to me with the same, disappointing, tired, and annoyed text. I like to think it’s his way of making me hurt and that is a sign that he still wants me. I mean how else do you know someone really loves you if they don’t want to hurt you?
Only 6 Norco left. It’s been days.
Starbucks is the clean, sophisticated place I can come and pretend I am someone else. Like I have my shit together. The nursing student. Like I don’t go home and sleep in a shipping container every night that’s rotting from the inside out. Like I don’t eat refried beans for dinner on a plastic plate and take showers in the sink. Like I have always had straight A’s and everything I am taught comes easily to me. Like my dad has a job, not seven kids and two autistic ones, and he certainly doesn't beat his wife when he’s upset the gets embarrassed by it. Some people hate it here, the hipsters or army vets, I'm not sure why. I come here to pretend I don’t have to wash my shoes and feet twice before leaving the ranch because I stepped in shit or a maggot filled rat. To pretend like the container doesn’t have ants dropping on me when I sleep or that wet smell because the rain is melting its walls. I come here, then I buy another candle at the dollar store to cover it up. I come here and act like I haven’t had these same shoes for 2 years now, and like the dogs didn't look hungry when I left.
Its April now. I’m yawning, but jittery. My eyes and nose are leaking like a sink. My bones feel heavy and my joints are like someone took a sledge hammer to them - my muscles too. No barfing yet. I downed the biggest chocolate drink I could afford. I need another.
