The Lost Luna

Run... Run! RUN! That’s the only thought ticking through my struggling, crumbling and fragile mind. I need to run hard and run fast. Run far away from the pain, all of the hurt, the loss. Those are the only thoughts that are flying through my mind as I leave everything I know and love behind me. I feel the pain and the suffering that is enclosing around my life and my heart. But more than that, I can feel the swipes of claws at my back. I have to run faster than I ever have before in my life. I need to get out.

I need to get out.

I need to leave this place.

Blood, I can smell the coppery metallic tang of it, I can taste it in my mouth and feel it in my lungs. I feel it sliding down my body, leaking out of the pads of my paws. But I can’t let this slow me down, I can’t let it stop me. Not until I am far from this nightmare.

That’s when I feel it, I feel the claws digging into my heart, tearing at it, tearing me apart as it is ripped out of my body.

And that’s when I begin to scream…

My scream is deafening, it is so loud just like that of a banshee, a scream that can burst the eardrums of those around me. I pant, trying to catch my breath as I sit up in my sweat-covered quilt. I feel terrible I know that this scream would have woken the neighbours in the nearby units. Although by now they should be used to it, these nightmares are normal for me.

For each and every night I wake up a mess, screaming panting and struggling to breath covered entirely in my own sweat and tears. I am that sweaty when I wake up that my hair is damp and sticking to me, causing me to itch.

Every night when I wake I need to try to clam myself down telling myself ‘it’s just a dream, it is only a dream.’ I repeat it like a mantra in my head. Even though that’s not the truth, it is not a dream. This happened. Over the years my mind as made it worse, exaggerating things. Those wolves did chase me, they however didn’t rip my heart out. I did that to myself, but the pain feels the same as if someone did rip it out of my chest and stomped on it.

I ran away from my issue, I lost everything and I will never be able to get any of it back.

I kicked the quilt off of myself in an effort to cool down as I sunk into the firm hard pillows and closed my eyes, trying to bring some peace to my tortured mind. At this point I knew that sleep was a lost cause for me. Begrudgingly I slunk out of my double bed looking back at the black quilt and sheets that were tossed around in a complete mess, an accurate representation of what my life is like now.

I carefully walked around the small one bedroom shoebox of a unit that I rent to the bathroom that is just beside my bedroom, my eyesight is not what it used to be. I stub my toe on the foot of the bed and have to feel my way around just to reach the light switch. I squinted my eyes slightly as I flicked the light on taking my senses a moment to adjust to the new surrounding.

I sighed as I opened the door to my tiny bathroom and flicked the light in her on as well, I took a quick look in the mirror above the sink. I hated what I saw reflected, I always hate the girl in the mirror. Which is why I try to go for as long as possible without looking into the mirror.

I don’t even recognise the girl in the mirror anymore, the girl that stares back at me looks like the shell of the person I used to be. There was once so much light, happiness and life in my eyes and smile, which, has now all faded away to nothing my misery and frown lines. My eyes look dead and dull, and I can’t even remember what it feels like to smile anymore it has been so very long.

I am broken. Broken and battered completely shattered and lost to myself. My skin, it was once kissed by the suns rays is now just pasty, pale almost ghost like. My eyes were once a beautiful dark chocolate brown captivating and beautiful, full of life and purpose. Now they just hold nothing but sadness of a life lost. They are dull, hollow with deep purple and blue bags beneath them.

My skin was barely hanging on to my body, like it could flake off with a single touch. I was nothing but skin and bone, no weight to my body, none of the curves that I once held and loved. My hair, a rich chestnut brown which was once so luscious and filled with volume and bounce was now just dead and brittle, just a complete mess around my face with strand after stand falling out.

I barely look like a living person anymore, that is how lost to myself I have become.

I turn away from the mirror and the monster I have become and walked over to the small tub/shower with incredibly ugly slalom pink tiles and turned on the water that squeaked and rattled through the water pipes before it came out of the showerhead.

I threw my pyjamas into the hamper that I keep between the shower and the toilet and stepped over the height of the tub to stand under the running water. As much as this was classed as a tub/shower it was that small that I could just barely sit on the ground and fit in it.

I don’t know just how long I stood under the falling water, but I knew it was long enough for me to notice that the water had gone from boiling like in a volcano to as freezing as artic waters. But I wasn’t able to bring myself to move, because even though the water was freezing me and was probably going to make me sick. I was feeling something, and this was better then feeling nothing at all. And in this moment I let myself feel some of the pain I have been holding inside of myself.

My mind had switched off as I slid down the wall of the shower and fell into a crumbled heap on the ground, I started to sob, which turned into a full blown break down which had me struggling to breathe as my body was wracked with sobs that were shaking me. I was letting my body become just as numb as my mind was.

I used up all of my energy crying everything out I attempted to reach pick myself up off the floor of the shower, it was a struggle, I fell over myself a few times as my legs were shaking unable to stand my body weight.

By some miracle I was able to pull myself off the ground, turn the shower off and wrap the towel around myself. Feeling dizzy from using energy I sat down on the toilet seat lid and stared off into nothingness, the nothingness that has become my life.

I have secluded myself, made myself completely alone and that is not natural for my kind. It feels wrong, completely wrong. I am meant to be with my kind, I am at least meant to be with one person.

I had lost myself to the madness of my mind when I started to realise the annoying, incessant beeps of the alarm on my phone.

I don’t know why I even both to set an alarm anymore I am always awake. I can never get more then a few hours of sleep at a time, my nightmares haunt me too much. And I cannot bring myself to relieve that pain, I barely function as it is locking all of those memories away in a cage in the back of my mind never to be opened again.

If I let myself sleep and relive the past in my dreams I know that I will break down, and I don’t think I will make it back from that. I know that I will shut down both mentally and physically.

Sometimes I tell myself that I still set my alarms so that I can play pretend, that I can pretend that I am just a human. A normal human, with a normal life with nothing haunting and chasing me down in my dreams. Or maybe I do it to ensure that I never forget what I ran from, so that I never forget the pain that I caused and that I feel every single day of my life ever since.

As sick and twisted as that may be.

I walked back to my room slowly, groaning when I flicked the light on and it wouldn’t turn on. Flicking it on and off a few more times just to be sure that the light had indeed blown. I was now forced to get dressed in the dark, not like I care anyway. I don’t care what I look like anymore, its not like I have anyone to impress these days.

I tried to tie my hair back into either a ponytail or a bun but I struggled to lift my arms for long. The end result was something like a mix between a bun and a ponytail but really was just most of my hair just pushed back and messed up.

Making me look like a complete mess, although no one would notice, it’s not like anyone pays attention to me. They are used to me looking like this by now. Look no different to any of the other drifting days of my life here.

I made my bed quickly before I walked out of the door, fixing it up from the mess I left it in from my nightmare. I grabbed my phone off of the bedside table before I walked out of the door. I didn’t bother to lock the door behind me, if someone wanted something they could take it, not that I had anything of value, I didn’t even own a TV. The only thing of value I owned was something no one would ever take.

I walked as fast as my body would take me, which in all honesty wasn’t very quick. I walked very slowly some would compare it to snails pace to the café bakery at which I got myself a part time job to pay the rent and bills. It was still dark out, and the stars were glistening in the night sky with the full moon out shinning her beauty and love down upon everything in this world.

Everything but me,

I don’t deserve her love anymore and I know that I will never receive her love again. I used to love looking up into the night sky now it just reminds me of my past.

Ever since that day I know that the moon turned her back on me living me to live a life where I will never experience love again.

I tried to shake away those dark thoughts and feelings that are morbid but true and pushed myself to get to work quicker. Pushing myself to get to the only place that gives my mind some form of distraction from the darkness that consumes it. If anyone were to ever get into my mind they would think I am even madder then the hatter.

Swiftly I made my way through the heavy door, pushing my weight on it in order to open it. I gave the others who were waiting around here a few lifeless hellos while I made my way into the back room with the change rooms so that I could chuck my phone into my designated locker and grabbed out my flour dusted apron throwing it on and dusting it off slightly so I didn’t look like a complete mess.

I took a deep breath as I began to prepare myself for the meaningless and tiring day ahead of us.