Pain

Paralyzed. That’s what my body undergone in a few seconds every twenty-four hours. It made me crazy like a schizophrenic, but had symptoms like addicts who did not get narcotics. Red eyes, restless gaze, unnatural sweats, screaming or crazed in pain, hurting my self, and anything else that would be so disgusting if I remember back after sane.

All the momentary madness would be very embarrassing if others see. I was always considered insane and had to get out of a world that was full of insanity beyond me. A fact that made me have to experience all these injuries. A fact that I was different, for some reason, because in fact I was still the same creature as them-named human.

“Stop!” I jerked the hand of a man dressed in white, with white frame glasses and a stethoscope that hung from the neck with the base in the pocket of his white coat.

“Why?”

“Let me go! Please. “

“Never. You’ll be safer here. With me. I will always do everything to protect you. Please ... stay.”

I saw there was compassion and I did not know, as there was another feeling that I never understood from the man too well. Surprisingly, the way he looked always made me feel as if I wanted to hug him and then go away, so I would never saw it back. As if, by deciding to leaved, I would be safe from that of the eyes that look softly.

“I have to go.”

“And why you have to?”

I turned around and looked at him intently, ignoring any discomfort and worry in him. I was afraid, if the light in his eyes could cripple my resolve that had never really been strong in the first place. But I had to.

“You.”

Apparently he’s confused with what I just said. Of course, of course, but I certainly did not. Because the bluish-eyed man typical of the European Continent was too much to sacrifice valuable things. He once sold out, mortgaged, and even burned all his dreams for me. A girl who was not beautiful with all things ungeneric in myself.

The ungeneric were not really making me great. Maybe, yes, if in the statement of greatness about troublesome others. I admitted if I was really great at it.

“Me?” He said. I nodded firmly. “Did I ever hurt you?”

Oh! It was always the case, he thought that I had to always be right and holy. I did not know, what made him willing to do anything for me. I never understood. I remembered everything he did for me, the girl he said was sweet. When everyone just wanted something behind that kindness. He just wants to protect me. Only that.

“You’ve made too much sacrifice since you found me.”

“Then?”

“And I just want to live—“ I bowed my face because I was beginning to be incapable to look at him eyes any longer, “—with myself. Somewhere far from you and from those who hunt me. I want to enjoy my life and fight for myself.”

“You do not bother me at all, if that’s what you’re worried about. I like to do it.” He protested.

“Why?” I confused.

“You.”

He did the same with me. What did that mean with ‘me’? While I was busy thinking, I suddenly awakened with his hand rubbed on my shoulder. Until I looked back at the warmer bead embracing me. He leaned his face and made his back bent, due to the tall body that would actually feel very high for my minimalist body.

“Because that’s you. I’m willing to do anything. To keep you safe and happy.”

I smiled. He still remembers that sentence. My favorite sentences were certainly out and spoken from his sexy lips. I felt very special when it is.

“So let me go. Because of that I’m happy.”

But I had to keep going. I could not allow myself to be stuck behind of his shadow, which always made me feel protected from many things. Even the dust that would touch my skin once. I felt that he should not always be in front of me to guide me, behind me to motivate me, and beside me to treat me.

The Germanic Man had the right to be happy without being troubled. I also have to rely on myself to face the world. Because there would be some moment, I had to walk on my own, and I did not want to die because I never tried to do not too depend on him.

“Are not you happy for with me?” He asked softly.

“I think so.” I shrugged. Then his hand began to slip from my shoulders at the same time as his body now falling right in front of me. His head bowed, in front of my stomach. A moment later, his stout hand grabbed me by still holding in his position. He was like a child begging her mother not to leave him.

My hands were wet. I was surprised and tried to loosen his embrace. He cried. Because of me?

“Your world will be better when you’re not with me.”

What kind of a word was that? And the severity of the sentence came out of my mouth that belied the fall of my heart’s determination to leave. I wanted to hug him and said I would stay. But not.

“And you’re my world.”

“That’s why your world is gradually getting worse now. I have to go.”

I cupped my palms of hand on him wet cheeks. I smooched at him forehead. I saw from my perspective that his eyes were slightly bulging. Then his cheeks flushed. It was very obvious with his reddish white skin. Maybe he felt hot.

“I have to leave before your world is completely destroyed, Wil. Please, i beg to you.”

After that, I felt that his body was completely unsteady and that was my chance to run. Went away from him and his world, running to face a new world alone, without his protection. This felt like deathly way. I ran out of his big house and into a forest not far from the main gate.

I kept running until I did not care about anything. Until I was at a small port that would let me travel to a land that contains more horror, or more grief, or even more happiness. But I was not convinced of the latter, because a while ago, I felt that I had left my happiness behind. Him. Wilhelm Ray Dallimore.