Utselet'

Il ne faut ja mais jeter le manche apres la cognee.

One should never throw the handle after felling the axe. Or just simply never say die. One of your favorite sayings. You would quote it every night. But now, I’d rather it not be the last things on your lips. Please don’t make it the last thing on your breath. In this sea of blood and rain of bullets. Until I find you, hold on.

Where did it go wrong? Yesterday? The day before that? Even a month ago? A few months ago we were just recruits meeting for the first time. If only we could go back to that time.

Two years ago

I stood amongst strangers. No one I recognized from my previous regiment. Everyone had stood rigid and hard as the sergeant addressed us. As i looked through the line I had almost got sidetracked.

“What’s your name soldier?!” the sergeant yelled in my face. I remember standing at attention.

“Miron Scott!” I boomed remembering the salute out of respect.

The commanding officer looked me over. Assessing my size rather than attentiveness.

“At ease.” I had let out a sigh as me moved down the line.

It was in that single moment you decided to stand out more than me.

“What’s your name soldier?!” the sergeant almost yelled. Im sure even my ancestors could hear him.

Inclining my head just a bit over the others I noticed one person who stood out as much as I did.

“Jay Evans.” I heard. And that was the first time i met you.

Blond hair and piercing green eyes. Unlike all the others you weren’t as rigid and looked the officer dead in the eye with a smile. It was admirable at the time and from then on we had often been paired up together. Maybe it was fate, maybe just dumb luck. But that look on your face changed everything.

Back to present

Everywhere I look I could see a familiar face. One direction I could see Percy. His face seemingly frozen in time. Another direction all the others. The stench of blood was as thick as the rain clouds overhead.

Jay, I see them. I won’t be able not to. Blood mixed with sand, gunpowder and bullet shells. I have to find you. Make sure you’re alright. You were always there. Your smile, your laugh, your encouragement.

All around me I hear people’s groans and screaming. They can’t get help in time. I already know they’re gone.

Please tell me you made it. I’ll find you I promise.

1 month ago

“Come on big guy, one more set.” I heard as I pulled up on the bar for one more set. Already my arms had started to scream. Nine sets was the limit, I was already on ten.

“You’re almost there. Two more,” I remember you had urged me on.

As soon as I finished I let go and landed easily right beside you.

Despite towering over just about everyone, even you, you didn’t let it get to you. Patting my shoulder you smiled. It was that one smile of yours that always gets me.

“Come on big guy. To the showers.”

I just knew. That I had to be there. Even as we were sent on different platoons. We’re best friends. We look out for each other. Even 30 miles away from each other.

Back to present

I walked through the rain. My boots splashed with dirt and blood. Every so often I would dodge a raindrop or take one to the shoulder. It didn’t hurt. All the pain’s dull now. Really I can only concentrate on putting one boot in front of the other. My mind is hazy and the world seems to be swimming around me.

Jay, where are you? I have to make sure. Make sure you’re okay. Make sure you’re still alive.

3 hours ago

There was a slap on my back making me jump.

“Just me,” I remember your grin.

Your gear almost seems to hang off of you and drag you down. But it didn’t seem like you minded one bit. I still remember that huge grin on your face, it was so confident. Unlike mine.

“Ready big guy?” that question still hung on your lips, “we’re both coming out of this alive. Promise me?”

He held up a fist and waited. A small smile crossed my face as he returned the gesture with a nod.

“Il ne faut ja mais jeter le manche apres la cognee,” your usual prayer.

Always said with a grin on your face. Your favorite saying, your prayer before the actual prayer. The last words I would hear you say before we went to separate squads for this fight.

Before I could utter a word we were ushered to our different squads. Your confident smile was the last thing I saw before you disappeared.

Back to present

I couldn’t find you. I’ve looked everywhere but Jay I cant find you. I was going to give up, even if I really didn’t want to. Then I heard something. So small I almost missed it. Like a small kitten’s whisper.

“Big guy,” those words made me stop in my track, “I’m sorry. We won’t be meeting up.”

Those words were soft but I could recognize them anywhere. I felt my body move before my mind did. I followed the voice. Your voice to the source. Finally, finally I found you. After all the rain and blood I found you.

But soon I stopped. Almost as if I didn’t want you to see me. Or I just didn’t want to see the state you were in. Your usual confident smile was gone. Replaced with a tear stained face. Your helmet, that was always too big for your face, was gone. Your sandy blond hair plastered to your face with sweat among other things.

Jay...you looked scared. It made my heart sink in my chest. I didn’t want to look at what happened to you. I could only look at your face. Everything else made bile form in my throat.

“Jay,” I could only manage a whisper.

It didn’t seem like you heard me. Not even my boots on the sand or splashing in the puddles. As I got closer my legs gave out and I couldn’t help but sink down by your side. I crashed enough to cause the sand to stir around both of us. But it didn’t seem to affect you. Why?

“Miron,” I heard the whisper through your bloodstained lips, “We had good times didn’t we? I wanted to see you again.”

You looked right through me Jay. I’m right here. Right next to you. Why couldnt you see me? Looking down at myself realization slowly sank in. I could only look at my hand as I reached out to stroke your face. Transparent. Was I...already dead? You really couldnt see me Jay?

I wanted to back up but I was frozen as memories flooded my mind. A firefight. Sand spraying everywhere. That last moment. I had taken a wrong step. Underfoot was a grenade, the pin in the hand of it’s owner a few meters in front of me. Then there was the flash.

I placed a hand over my heart. How long? How long had it been since I broke the promise? Since I breathed my last? Jay...I never…

“Jay,” those words caught in my throat as a single tear dripped onto your face, “I’m right here.”

I could see the far off look in your eye Jay. You couldnt see me. But I didn’t think it would be long until you finally could.

The ground under you was dyed a beautiful crimson, as red as the sun on the horizon. Holes oozed and gushed and I could only kneel here and watch you bleed. I wanted you to see me. I wanted to hold you and comfort you. To at least assure you that I was right here next to you.

“Miron,” I heard you whisper again.

This time, not even as loud as the whistling wind around us. Then the wind to your last breath from you.

There was silence. Everything was suddenly silent around me. You were gone. I couldnt save you. What was I to do now? Really I could only sob over what was left of you.

But then there was a hand on my shoulder. Looking up I saw your smile. The same one from the first day we met. It made my heart soar again and again every time.

“Come on big guy.”

You offered a hand.

“We may not have survived this battle but we’re together at least right?”

I could only stare at you before engulfing your smaller form in a hug tight enough to almost crush you.

“Da,” I whispered into his hair.

“Why are you crying big guy? I’m right here.”

I heard your laugh as you patted my back. This was it. I found you. I couldnt save you but I at least found you. Finally. That was all that mattered to me.

No words could escape me other than your name over and over again. I couldnt save you Jay, but you ended up right here by my side anyway.

“I’m sorry,” that was all that I could manage.

“Don’t be. Remember what I always say. Not all promises can be kept. Come on. We better get going. The others are waiting I’m sure.

You grabbed my hand and started to lead me away but I hesitated on what remained of the battlefield. Guilt strummed at my heart.

“Jay?” my voice trembled.

“Yeah big guy?” you turned to look at me. Your eyes so full of light unlike what they were a couple of minutes ago.

“I...I,” hesitation had taken me over, “I never...I never got to...how much I…”

You interrupted me with a quick peck to the cheek.

“I know Miron. I love you too. Now let’s go.”

With that bright smile on your face you took my hand and we both went to join the clouds above.